Have you tried this?
Recreational Enjoyment Inventory

Have you done the recreation questionairre? http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4505_rei.html

I just looked it over, thanks for the link. I will consider asking him to fill it out, we have been together for so many years, that I think we both already know exactly how each of us would respond to all the offerings, but it still could be fun to go through it together and who knows? Maybe we could surprise each other with an answer or two.

Thanks again for the idea. If nothing else it gives us something to do together just filling it out and discussing!

How are you doing, TisMe? I'd love to hear how things are going.

By the way, you were so encouraging to me on my thread. Thank you!!

I am following you and cheering you on.

Hi Z! Thanks for asking. We are doing really well actually. We have been really committed to getting in our UA time. This last week we got in well over the 20+ hours, we went for a dinner date, went walking together, then over the weekend we went to an event, AND did some shopping!

I think he really did enjoy the shopping together, Melody was right about the mall idea, although he said he was willing to do that too, I could see he wasn't really excited (haha) so we stuck with some sporting goods stores and Walmart. He seemed to really enjoy our trip to WM. I am so used to shopping by myself or my children, I need to get used to doing this with him and didn't enjoy WM as much as he seemed to. I will not be throwing in the towel on that though, it is just an adjustment thing I am sure, years ago we used to even grocery shop together and I loved it.

It really seems to be having a positive impact on our relationship, and I have been very pleased with how much HE seems to be getting very used to and enjoying spending more time with me, much more so then I had expected.

Last week he had 2 days off, and he was originally planning to go out with friends both days, to enjoy a hobby that I have zero interest in. I was really upset, and although I didn't handle the discussion as well as I should have, we got it together and resolved the problem fairly quickly, and did POJA!

We are getting in lots of SF, needless to say he is thrilled about that, but actually it has made a huge difference for both of us! I think it has caused him to want to work even harder.

Last night I guess he was really looking forward to some unscheduled UA time, I told him I had some other things I needed to do, he was very disappointed so again we POJA'd!

I feel we are moving right along and am very happy with the improvements and progress! We still need to work on some things like no AO's, DJ's....remember to always POJA and to eliminate all LB's, but don't expect perfection yet, just progress!

Thanks for cheering me on Z, I am following your thread too and rooting for you guys also! I always look for your updates!

Wow, TisMeAgain, I am truly impressed, and so happy for you both!



Thanks for the update!

Hi guys. Things have been going pretty well, the UA time makes ALL the difference!

I am trying to introduce the other MB concepts to H slowly, (as I have mentioned, I brought H to MB years back, wanted to dive in and it was a complete disaster) but now we have a snag.

So currently we are working on POJA. I have read here on the forums and even heard Dr. H say that it is a bit more difficult to get husbands on board with POJA. My H has said things like why does it have to be enthusiastic, or that we will not be able to find something we can both be enthusiastic about, so one will have to compromise.

As I have mentioned here on the boards before, my H and I often have very different views when it comes to our children. The other night we were discussing a situation concerning our adult child, and H failed to give me all the information concerning the issue.

I waited til he got home the following evening to discuss, I told him upfront that I had went into his phone and read his txt conversation with this child, and was upset with him for leaving out key details. He was furious. It took quite some time for him to stop with AO's, and to have a calm discussion.

My H can be very difficult to converse with because he tends to throw in things that have nothing to do with the subject at hand, and he also spins things in different directions, as well as assign motives to my statements.

I kept telling him we needed to discuss all decisions and come to an enthusiastic agreement together. He then said I was trying to control him! I told him an enthusiastic decision was NOT control, he then said I was trying to control the adult child's behaviour.

After several hours, we did come to an agreement. I did feel I needed to compromise some because we have such conflicting views, so we agreed how we were going to help, and that we would POJA all future decisions about how to help this child.

He called me today to discuss some additional details about this situation that had come up, and more help he wanted to offer. I am really happy that he did call to make sure I was aware of all the details and that I did agree, but I felt a bit put on the spot.

I didn't tell him that I felt put on the spot, or that I didn't care for the way he had handled that, because I don't want to discourage him, and I guess I feel baby steps are better then no steps.

Any thoughts or suggestions?

How many UA hours are you getting? What do you spend those hours doing? Does your husband enjoy it?


How, exactly, did you tell him that you were upset with him?

These statements are DJs.

If, at any point, the discussion becomes heated, you need to drop negotiations and come back to it later. Never try to negotiate when one of you is angry or disrespectful.

Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiations

You were also trying to educate him, which is considered a disrespectful judgement. He will not listen when he feels disrespected.

Attempting to negotiate while he was angry and you were disrespectful lead to a compromise. An enthusiastic agreement WAS possible, but not while negotiating under those circumstances.

Hi Prisca, thank you for the reply!

We are getting in between 15 to 20 hours a week of UA time. My H has been very agreeable to all idea's for UA time, so I try to be very sensitive to his subtle cue's about hits or miss with that, and cross the activities off the list that he doesn't seem to prefer. He does enjoy going out to dinner, shopping (as long as not a mall type setting) long drives, provided the drive has a purpose, or going to auctions, occasional walks, going for ice cream, just more simple things, but I am very happy with that!

When he got home I asked what the plan was for the weekend, (we had not discussed exactly when our child would be coming by) he answered, then I told him I had looked at the txt conversation, and wondered why he had not mentioned some important details, (mentioning the details specifically,not referring to them as important details)then I told I would have rather discussed before a decision was made. To be fair, I also want to add that I did tell him that I was very upset that he had left these details out.

The reason he got so angry was because he felt most of this help he was offering was his choice, he would be the one doing the work not me, and didn't need to be agreed to, and the money he was giving was out of his spending money. Maybe this was a valid point? I don't know, and did tell him that I did agree that this was a grey area, but would have still liked to have known about it.

I attempted to leave the room once he became angry and started shouting, I told him that we should discuss later, but he followed me outside of our bedroom, continuing to shout and cause a scene in front of our minor children. I am funny about that, and will do ANYTHING to make that stop, so I agreed to return to our room to finish the discussion.

I realize that is NOT the correct way to handle such situations, but I was desperate for him to stop shouting in front of our kids. In fact once we were back in our room I started to shut down, I just wanted the AO to stop, but to his credit, he did start to calm down as soon as he realized this, and wanted to resolve the situation.

I agree the statements I made are DJ'S and I should have chose my words better. We have communication issues, always have, I want to learn what I should do when a conversation goes off track. I should have just stated that.

I realize I was trying to educate him, I would like suggestions for other ideas on how to present the MB concepts to him. He is very turned off by Psychology, always has been (his own words) but over the years his opinions have become much stronger do to Dr. Phil, and other similar shows.

He wants a great marriage I know that, but does NOT want to read any books or speak to any "expert" so I am not sure what to do. Things are so much better now, he does not feel we need anything else.

Our POJA on that situation btw, was that I agreed to the decisions he had made already, but that we would discuss and agree on future decisions. I was happy with that, because I did decide that he did have some valid points, he said he was happy also.

Hi TisMe,

I am very concerned for your situation: His AOs are a HUGE problem. The "reason he got so angry" is because he CHOSE to get angry and blow up at you. No matter what you did or said, his anger is completely unjustified and it is his responsibliity.

I am concerned that you said you will do "ANYTHING" to make it stop. This means he has successfully convinced you that HIS angry outbursts are YOUR fault. This is a dangerous thought.

He must get his anger under control. You cannot have a successful marriage until he fixes this serious problem. You can be patient, kind, "perfect," and his abuse will escalate.

Please get help. Or call into Dr. Harley and see what he recommends.

Hi Z!

Thanks for the response, I am feeling a little guilty, like maybe I made his AO sound far more dramatic then it was. He was shouting almost immediately, I asked him why he was yelling...he continued, so I said we should discuss later when calm and walked out of our room, as I was leaving he asked me not to walk away, but he was still shouting so I left, he followed.

He views me walking away as control, and I view him shouting as him trying to take control. In the past he has admitted to using a scene in front of kids as a tool to get me to stop something he doesn't like. When I said I will do anything to make it stop, that's true, I HATE AO's or any type of marital issues in front of our kids, including him speaking loud enough for our kids to hear from our room.

In this incident he said later he was not trying to use the kids, that he felt I was being unfair, did not have all the information (true I didn't, I had missed some txt's) and was being unfair, walked away after he asked me not to, and he wanted to resolve so had to follow me to get me to come back.

In that incident he did later admit he got frustrated and started shouting right away, but we have had a couple other situations lately, where I felt he was shouting, asked him to please stop, and he insists he is not, and true he has not been yelling or overly upset but his voice is raised to the point that our kids can hear him.

The thing is I was in withdrawal for so many years that I just didn't bother with him, we had no AO's, discussed and resolved nothing. Part of this was because he was using AO's in front of kids. That is a HUGE thing to me.

I am NOT trying to say his AO's are not a problem, they are. I just wanted to be very clear I was not afraid for my safety, or anyones for that matter. I did not handle the situation perfectly by any means, I have a VERY LONG way to go before that will be the case.

I am very guilty of DJ's and I was trying to educate him on MB.
I am trying a new approach now, I read the suggestion on another thread to just tell him I am not enthusiastic about something and either leave it at that, or ask if he has any other suggestions.

I have also been asking him, how would you feel about this or that questions. The other day HE actually pointed out something I told our son without a POJA! YAY!

You know, I agree about writing to the Harley's, good suggestion, I will email tomorrow. I sent an email a while back, on another subject but didn't get a response, but I will try again.

Thanks Z, I hope my response doesn't read as dismissive, that is not my intention, I just felt I needed to be clear and fair to my H in that situation. I am so grateful for all the help! I need it! Glad to see you are back...I am going to read your update now!

Also notify the mods and let them know what email you're sending it from and they will also let the Harleys know.

I just wanted to mention one thing.

You need to fix your DJs and a good way to show your DH is by example.

"Educating" him on DJs can be a DJ in it's own.

Fix you. You know what I mean?

Thanks BrainHurts!

I will notify the mods. once I send out my new email...how do I do that?

I agree I need to fix me, stop the Dj's and trying to educate my H. To be honest I thought my approach was pretty good before Prisca pointed out to me that it was not.

I have a much bigger problem with DJ's then him. I hadn't even realized how big a problem I had til recently. I thought if they were true, then how could we address if I didn't point them out?

All wrong, I know. I need to clean up my side of the street.

At the bottom right corner of every post hit notify.

OH OK got it...so then I will post that I have emailed the Harley's on my thread, then hit the notify button. Thank you.

You've got it.

Plus tell the mods know you had emailed before and never heard back.

OK, I just sent out my email to the Harley's!

Keep us updated. Remember they are out of the country this week so it may be an extra week.

Did you notify the mods also?