I agree! That was some awesome Plan A'ing!!!

WHIP, I would take a much, much more serious approach so he knows you are serious. If you don't bring up the affair and lay out your conditions for reconciliation, you just show him that his affair is no big deal and you don't care very much. I am very concerned that the affair was not addressed since it is an urgent issue. That can't be swept under the rug. It is up to you to lay out your conditions and if he doesn't commit, then you should proceed right to Plan B. Here is one of my past posts about what should happen next.

Great job with your date, not LBing, etc. However, talking about the A is not LBing, he needs to know your conditions for reconciling or staying married to you.

MelodyLane nailed it, WHip. You did a great job at not LBing him, and he's feeling pretty positive about things right now. He's thinking that you're not going to give him any more grief about his affair, and you're going to be a 'get along' girl. See, he's been worried about that. He's been afraid that you'll insist upon some major action that will require discomfort for him. Now he's thinking he's skirted all of that.

You need to keep up your great job of being the stable, loving wife who is willing to guide him back home. But it's got to be on YOUR terms. You need to make those terms very clear to him.

I got an opportunity last night to let WH know my conditions for reconciliation in our marriage. He came by my parents' house, unannounced, to drop of a favorite snack of mine. We had to discuss when he would see our 2 munchkins this week and I brought up how that I hoped this separation could end soon and our family could be back together. I let him know that for me, that would require NO CONTACT with OW, and I had to be SURE there WAS no contact. He told me he already cut off contact, there isn't any, none at all. I told him that was great! Then he wouldn't mind writing her a letter expressing his desire to restore his family and NEVER have any contact with her at all again. A letter I would read, approve and help him mail. He wasn't happy with that. And does not think it's neccessary because he's already cut all contact. Oh please.

We talked again this afternoon, very calmly I might add, when he came to p/u kids and his story's the same: No letter b/c HE cut off contact already. (He's said that before, and had contact TWICE since resigning that I KNOW of). He also says if I can have stipulations then HE has stipulatoins too and those are that I have to respect him & submit to him like the Bible commands. After all, that's the whole reason another woman got involved, b/c I wasn't being the wife I should be. What if he writes and send the letter and I still don't respect him & submit him? (His question, not mine). I got tired of talking to the "drunk" and went inside. My dad stayed out on the front lawn calmly talking to him another 15 minutes or so, and of course, got no where.

Basically, it's a stalemate of who's gonna make the first move - he writing a letter or me submitting to his every wish. He says I need to move first b/c he's only done "this one thing" whereas my disrespectful behavior has been a pattern repeatedly going on since day one of our marriage 8-and-a-half years ago. (Hogwash)

Intersetingly enough, he still fogbabbles between having an emotional affair and NOT having an emotional affair. Sometimes it was...other times it wasn't. And there are still many people that believe I'm blowing smoke about it all and have ruined his ministry b/c I have low self-esteem and jealousy problems.

I'm just starting to ask myself: What it is I'm trying to save again? And WHY do I want to stay married to this psycho?

WHIP, it is real important that you go into Plan B now because your husband is not serious. Your husband is not in any position to bargain and is not even remotely serious about the recovery of your marriage. Obviously the rapist does not get to set the conditions for recovery.

I would plan on a formal separation until he agrees to commit to all your conditions. Start off with a Plan B letter that gives him your conditions.

Do you have the book, Surviving an Affair? Plan B is outlined there.

There is nothing here to save as it is. Unless your husband makes radical changes in his life, he is not a safe person to be around.

Well at least he brought you a snack!

Honestly whip this is some fantastic Plan Aing, its clear his gaslighting is having no effect on you. I like your attitude.

I would give him your conditions written down, so he has them. You need to make things easy for drunks.

Write down some bible references re adultery (there's a great one about not trusting an adulteress) for him on a separate sheet of paper, too.

Thank him sweetly for reminding you of the importance of submission to the bible (even though that's not what he said) and ask for his help in creating a marriage where that happens. Then give him that sheet.

Don't stick around. Make your point and leave.


Nope its a stalemate of is he going to keep the best thing in his life or lose it.



You need to not let these people live in your head rent free. It must be perfectly obvious he's crazy. They have their own reasons for backing him and they are not good ones.



Well you don't I assume.

You are merely giving him fair notice of what will happen if a change does not take place.

I take it divorce would not sit well with you unless you had first tried all avenues of reconcilliation first. You are committed.

His attitude is not unusual. No addict will respond to tough love ultimatums if they think there's even the slightest chance they can bluff having their cake and eating it too. He will prob need to fall fast and hard on his own folly to see how wrong he is about what will make him happy.

How long have you been Plan Aing now?

You sound weary and ready for Plan B.

Women should not Plan A for more than two to three weeks.

Its important to prepare for Plan B properly so I doubt you have any time to waste.

You need to Plan A right up until you Plan B (stand tall and no lovebusting) which gets to be more and more of a strain.

Read the link in my sig and get it lined up!

You deserve the peace it offers.

I've been in an awkward Plan A for I don't know how long! WH admitted the A to me 3/3/12 and I've been asking for steps to recover since then. I've only known about the MB Plan A and the concepts of it for about 2 weeks. I've definitely been guilty of some LBs the past 6 weeks, but done really well the last week and a half.

I am ready to start preparing my Plan B - thanks for the link! I don't have the SAA book but I'm getting alot of info from the site and forums. We haven't owned a home (lived in parsonages) so changing locks and asking him to leave won't be necessary.

This is excellent also where there are children involved.
Parallel Parenting

This will help with your Plan B letter samples. Plan B letter samples

Your H ticks me off with the submission garbage. He can't just pick and choose biblical verses and completely ignore the commands given to husbands in the equation.

You need to take the attitude that YOU call the shots and HE needs to be begging for your return.

Stay strong.

What WH will need to understand is that the NC letter is only the first of many steps he'll need to make to earn his way back into the family. It sounds like he has an attitude of, "Well, I don't really want to write such a stupid letter, but at least if I do it, I'll be all finished!"

Wrong-o.

I just want to encourage you, too, that Biblical submission is impossible with an abusive husband. You sound very grounded, so keep up the good work. Turning the other cheek doesn't mean to stay in a situation where your health will be harmed. It just means you don't pay him back for what he is doing to you.

Satan tried to twist Scripture when he went up against Jesus, and it sounds like WH is trying the same trick. I'm really proud of you for not letting yourself be dragged into that.

I'm so angry I could...I don't know what!

Got an email from MIL this morning begging & pleading with me to let our 2 kids go w/ WH and his family (gparents, aunt & uncle, etc) to Florida the week before Mother's Day. NOT A WORD about WH and his actions. Just begging me to let kids come "for Granddad". (this trip has been postponed twice b/c GD was fighting cancer. It's in remission now, but Dr's expect it to return).

What BLOWS MY MIND is THIS TRIP is what his family is most concerned about! I've contacted his mom by email twice, very politely and respectfully concerning WH and she will not respond. I tried to call her and she wouldn't answer, but called WH to tell him & ask him to find out what I wanted. His family members have made it clear that they just want to "stay out of it" and that we should handle our personal problems without getting the family involved. Appearantly they are more concerned with our children taking a 12 hour, first-ever trip to the beach without their mother than they are about the children having parents that are restored and committed to each other and their family.
I could vomit.

Sweet. Your inlaws are clearly related to mine. Selfish, selfish, selfish.


I am sorry- I know how much that hurts- and I would tell her that you ate dealing with a family crisis right now and regrettably, your children will not be available. But that if she would like to discuss the crisis, she knows how to contact you.
Then bless her heart. ( depending on where you're from, this means different things. . )

Great answer.

Jehovah, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God:

http://bible.cc/exodus/34-14.htm

I don't think you being like God is a problem, here!!!

I am still in Plan A, but have typed up this email to send to WH this afternoon. Please let me know what you think:

I hope you're having a good day! Sorry about the confusion on the life insurance policies. It honestly wasn't anything I was trying to "keep from you" or go behind your back to take care of. It's just one of the type of things I've always taken care of for our family. (personal issue now taken care of)

I had such a wonderful time on Friday night. It was great to have time just being with you and enjoying your company and humor. You have an incredible ability to always make me smile! I pray we have many more opportunitites for that. It was so refreshing!

That being said, I would like you to understand how very, very hurt I am by your unfaithfulness. It is the most painful experience I've had to endure. And I would like the opportunity to recover from it. Not just "stay married, forgive & forget", but take the proper course and actions to recover and heal without resentment. I have already talked some with you about what that would require, but I wanted you to have it in writing. There are many, many steps that I'm sure will take a long, long time to work through, but first and foremost I have to be assurred that all contact with [OW] is cut off for life. The best way I can think of for me to be assurred of that is for you to write her a letter in your own handwriting, allow me to approve it and us mail it together (or for us to talk to her face-to-face with others as witnesses) with you expressing your desire to reconcile your relationship with me and your children, and ask that she have no contact with you whatsoever for the rest of her life. This condition cannot be argued. I will not change my mind.

It would also be necessary for you to go to every person you have lied about me to (ie: I'm mentally unstable, I've accussed you of multiple affairs including homosexual ones, professionals have said I should be medicated, etc.) and tell the truth. The truth is NOT that I am innocent of all wrongdoing and a "perfect wife", but that you made up or embellished things to make me look atrociously awful in order to make yourself look better and to not have to face the social consequences of your & OW's affair. After that, we would both need to be transparent with our lives so there is no secrecy or possiblity of another "double life" which helped you keep this affair secret. Nothing would be off limits - phones, computers, email & facebook passwords, etc. This transparency is the only way real trust can be rebuilt.

Like I said, there are many other hurdles on a path to a restored marriage, for both of us! I am aware of my shortcomings as a wife that left you vulnerable to having an affair, and I alone am responsible for changing how I act and react to meeting your most important emotional needs. I would sincerely like the opportunity to be the only woman who is allowed to meet those needs for you so you would never again doubt the love I have for you.

I love you very much and I pray God gives you the power to be strong & courageous enough to take the necessary steps in stepping up to restore our family. I miss you, and DS & DD miss you. I miss us.

Your loyal wife,
~

WHIP, I would not send this letter because you have already given him your conditions. He understands what you want but is refusing to do it. The next step now is to send him a PLAN B letter with some TEETH in it so he will understand your conditions were non negotiable. There is no reason to tell him again. Otherwise he is not going to take you seriously.

I would send him a Plan B letter and shut off all contact. Are you prepared to go dark?

Here is a thread with Plan B instructions. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2482787#Post2482787

Hopefully someone can post a sample Plan B letter. Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?