"MemoryLane: You are probably going to get mad at me for this, but although I did save the FB Friend information of the OM as both an HTML file and DOC file, I cannot bring myself to take this exposure step yet. I would like to save it for the next communication between the two of them...."

You really don't have the luxury to wait around until you have evidence of more communication. The affair is still ongoing and that is evidenced by the things she says. The longer you wait to kill the affair the harder it will be to kill it.

Can I ask why you would wait when it is in you and your wife's best interest to expose this affair? The only thing that benefits from your silence is the affair. And certainly you comprehend that is the greatest risk to your marriage?

Your wife's anger over catching here cheat is a sign of the fog so don't let it bother you. If you will take action to kill her affair the fog will leave. But as long as you aide and abet it, the fog will continue.

How are you coming along in your pursuit of the OMs wife?

Please listen to these radio segments. It is of a couple who followed the plan and have a recovered marriage. The BH did the exposure and the WW's mom put pressure on her to stop the affair.
Radio Clip of a couple who recovered from an affair segment 1
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4

MelodyLane: OK. You are getting me closer. I just can't do it yet. Still, I am ready. I talked to my parents about this idea, and they are just afraid that it will start WWIII.
She went ballistic when I told my mother and father because they actually used to think that she was a great person and extremely trustworthy. She had built up a lot of goodwill with them. She knows that she ruined her reputation with them.
She also wants me to promise to not tell anyone else. It's actually one of her conditions for reconciliation. I was not planning to do a grand FB announcement, but even private FB messages might have the same result.
Give me a few more hours, and I might change my mind. I appreciate your help, but she also sought him out, and so they are both to blame.
Still, one argument FOR why I should do it. She told me that he married last year (paper marriage for helping the wife's visa paperwork) and his official wedding is coming up in July. I would assume that most of the wedding guests would be on his Friend list.....

The search for the OM's wife has hit a dead end. I found the address where they live, but because it's likely that they have cell phones, I don't think that I will find her number. Still, I did message her by FB (no reply), and within a day of that, her profile was off FB. (I checked, and I was not blocked. She is no longer on FB.)

Update: I have played very soft (weak?), and the wife is talking about coming back. She wants this issue to be in the past, but she understands that I will have suspicions.

Of course she doesn't want you to tell anyone else, then she might actually have to face the music.

You MUST do it, and soon. Do NOT waste more time wondering! That poor woman that OM is with deserves to know what a cad she's hitched to. And the more you put it off the less you will want to do it.

Expose. Now. Give no warning. Be merciless. Your marriage can withstand her anger but NOT an affair!

WHEN you expose via FB, give 1 minute between messages to avoid being stopped from messaging.

Japandude, how many marriages have your parents saved? What are their credentials? You see, Dr Harley has saved thousands of marriages using these tactics, I suspect your parents have saved none. The only reason your wife would not want you to expose to the OMs wife is so she can continue her affair. And you seriously want to facilitate that?

You have a very short window of opportunity to save your marriage. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to save this. Your marriage can survive your wife's anger; it cannot survive an ongoing affair. Ad yes, her affair is stil active. I guarantee it.

JapanDude. Exposure did not ruin her reputation...her actions ruined her reputation.

Reaching out for support from people of influence in her life is your best chance at knocking her out of the fog.

Don't worry about your WW anger at exposure. She can redeem herself if she chooses to take the right steps in that direction. Right now you are allowing her to turn everything around on you and you will not recover that way.

Find OM wife's and tell her the truth about her life. She needs to protect herself just like you do. Only OM wife's doesn't know it. That is heartless.

You can do this. Breath deeply.

"She also wants me to promise to not tell anyone else. It's actually one of her conditions for reconciliation. I was not planning to do a grand FB announcement, but even private FB messages might have the same result."

Japandude, your wife does not get to set the conditions for reconciliation. The OMs wife has to know what your wife and and sleazy husband have done to her so she can protect herself. You have a moral obligation to inform this woman what is being done to her. Your wife is out of line asking you to hide her affair. You harm your wife, the OM, yourself and the OMW by helping the affairees hide the affair.

Affairs thrive on secrecy so keeping it a secret for them only serves to enable the affair. And you can't save a marriage when you are an enabler.

Go listen to the radio clips in the thread in my link of dr H telling other men that it is hard to save a marriage when you are an enabler. The ones who did expose their wife's affairs saved their marriages. The ones who didn't lost their marriages.

Exposure is the very best way for you to take. Once your WW stops her ongoing A, she can make amends with anyone she cares about, including friends and family.

And yes, her affair is stil active.

The most damning evidence of the ongoing "life" of the affair within your WW is the resistance she is displaying regarding your exposure of POSOM to his contacts. If she was out of her affair, she would view that action with the same dispassion as if you were threatening to expose ME, or some other person she does not know.

She wants to "protect" scumbag because she still has feeling for scumbag. She cares more for his needs, right now, than she does for yours. That by itself would send me to "Exposure Central", my friend.

BTW: As you "tip-toe" toward taking the firm and resolute action, J-Dude, you are making your WW's choice of POSOM over you, to HER, all the more appropriate.

Easier, too.

"She also wants me to promise to not tell anyone else. It's actually one of her conditions for reconciliation. I was not planning to do a grand FB announcement, but even private FB messages might have the same result."


Thanks, needed a laugh today.

She giving you conditions while she still is doing the other guy is frankly one of the funniest things Ive heard on here in a while. Look for a thread called Funniest Things A Wayward Spouse has said (or something like that). You must post this line.

Do the grand FB exposure. Shout from the rooftops. The sooner this is done the sooner she stop being with the other guy. Roaches hate the light, they scramble for cover. Right now she is dirty like a roach.

And, what she says matters little until the affair is over.

That's foggy wayward-speak. Ignore that.

You sound like you're trying to quit smoking. Do you want to save your marriage? Do you understand that the people posting to you (me included) are in recovered marriages ONLY AFTER their waywards' affairs were exposed??

Go there. If you find that too much for your efforts, hire a PI to go to her for you. GET TO HIS WIFE. It will more than likely kill the affair.

Answer this: What are you afraid of? Your wife is planning her exit strategy. You don't want that. She's got one foot out the door. WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? WHY ARE YOU WAITING??

Sir, you are going to have to yank up your britches and dig deep for the resolve that you will need to save your marriage. I suspect that you are hedging on the side of your WW coming back around to a semblance of her pre-affair self. That's not going to happen, JD. You need to kill this affair swiftly and completely. I can't imagine why you are waffling on this.

You've already lost your M. It's gone.

The only chance you have to bring it back to life is to kill the A that killed your M.

JD, you best start listening to these fine folks. They know what they speak! Your window of opportunity is shrinking by the minute.

What do you, at this point, have to lose by full (and I mean FULL) nuclear exposure?

I'll answer it for you: NOTHING!

There are no guarantees. It may work, it may not. If it works, then you may be on the path to a possible recovery. If it doesn't work, then guess where you are? Right where you are RIGHT now. That last sentence is a guarantee, and the only one I'll make.

Okay, check that, I'm going to make one more guarantee. If you don't do everything possible to bust this up, you'll regret it for the rest of your life. Do want to live the rest of your life knowing you had the power to do more, but didn't out of fear?

I know I wouldn't.

FB exposure: OK, guys. I still cannot move on this although I have made the necessary preparation. I guess there is one other factor that is holding me back. In fact, I am an American living in Japan, my WW is Japanese, and the guy was an old American boyfriend who was in Tokyo for a brief 3-month work stint. He is back in California, but of course, he could reappear on a short visit at any time (unlikely over the short term, but a near certainty over the long term).
I reason (perhaps incorrectly) that my wife would look upon her exposure with more shame than a typical American. She has already said that she is too ashamed to set foot into my parents' house again, and she has already written my mother a long, apologetic letter.
I am holding back on the exposure because the effect of my first small exposure are still rippling, and I am trying to get her to return home. Doing another major exposure now would fling her back.

Update: Things are going downhill anyway. The WW still remains with her mother and my son (2) near Tokyo. She told me yesterday that she considers my use of the keylogger "underhanded" and "dishonest", but I told her it was to free her from her addiction. She got angry and hung up. She is threatening divorce.
Thanks to the advice here, I am staying calm and sticking to my guns. I hope that she understands what made me do it.

Have you read this by Dr. Harley?
Snooping: Is it wrong?Or, is it the right thing to do in marriage?

Did you see this also?
From here How to Survive an Affair

I found the thread here:
"Craziest things to come out of a wayward's piehole"
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2617841&page=1

I think I'll read through it to take my mind off this situation..... Maybe it'll give me more resolve....