If you give in now....and go back to a man that you know in your heart to be a cheater....I PROMISE you there will come a day when you are asking yourself this question---

WHY did I think I had to have PROOF!

One time a long time ago I was told a story by a person who had no reason to lie to me. The story was that my then husband had had an affair with my young cousin. I confronted them both and they both lied. They both said it never happened and that the person who told me the story was a liar.

Turns out it was not a lie. 7 long years later I had absolute undeniable proof in my hands that they had indeed had an affair. I spent 7 years knowing in my heart that it was true, but I had no proof.

I wish I had just walked a way. I wish I had just told anyone who thought I needed 'proof' to mind their own business.

If you cannot get him to man up and admit what you KNOW to be the truth your marriage has zero chance of making it long term. Oh, you might hang on a few more years..but YOU will also suffer in those years because you will know you are living with a liar.

I will never again live with a liar.

I hope you won't either.

Don't falter now, and don't get hung up on what other people think. I know in the church setting it's easy to get wrapped up in that, but right now you need to be strong and do what you know to do, the right thing and leave the rest to God. You will be vindicated one day.

I'm praying for you...

A confession is hard evidence. Thats all you need! So dont worry a bit about that. You need to stop worrying about what people think of you and do the right thing. The approval of others will not do a damn thing to save your marriage. They are not the ones who have to live with the consequences of your decisions, so to heck what others think. Just do the right thing..

Whip, as a pastor's daughter, who grew up in a pastor's home, I'm here to tell you that you will live to regret living your life on the basis of what other's think. I understand the glass house and being under the watchful eye of others, I lived it. As you get older, you will resent this. This is your marriage, which should come first. You're not doing Plan B to destroy your marriage, you're doing it to save it. How can you be his loving wife if you grow resentment in your heart, which is what will happen if you don't make this stand.

If he is not willing to put his marriage first, then he is out of God's will. He has a double yoke as your pastor AND your husband. God put you in his life for a reason and it may just be for such a time as this. This is where the rubber meets the road. He either does whatever it takes, with a repentant and remorseful heart, or he loses his most valuable treasure -- his family. His ministry and calling is to you first. Don't let him slack on that.

If you still need an IM, I would be willing to do it. I've never offered this to anyone else because my plate is so full.

My husband was a wayward too but I didn't have MB at the time. We are recovered now, but it was way too much drama and we nearly didn't make it. You don't have to travel that same road.

Your marriage is under attack. Fight the enemy with your MB sword.

Exactly. WHiP, you are doing what many of us betrayed do... we want an immediate reaction to exposure, we want the affair to quickly crumble so we get our spouse back, not the foggy alien WS that is before us. Sometimes exposure achieves that, sometimes not.

Marital and personal recovery is a marathon, NOT a sprint. Exposure helps with both because you will know you did everything to fight for your marriage by sharing the truth. If you lose people along the way because they choose to enable WH, well, they have their own (selfish) reasons for that and you have learned a valuable lesson about them.

Exposure plants the seed. It is the beginning of the end for the affair. It also plants the seed of doubt in others minds. Some immediately offer the betrayed support. Others don't. They choose to believe the wayward's lies. But they keep watching the wayward, the doubt has been planted.

Personally, I think it all comes out in the wash in the end. If the wayward continues on the wayward path, others start to notice the selfishness and changes to who they once were. I exposed without any "hard" evidence. WH gave his spin on it... they were "just friends". I have noticed people who initially offered me no direct support after exposure are now popping up. Some of these even outright disagreed with exposure, and one of them even refused to return my phone call or email. Now they want lunch

Let others sort out the fact from fiction. If they have any morals and gumption, they'll figure it out.

You have told the truth in the face of adversity. Be proud of that.

WHiP - don't give up! I have been breathlessely following your thread, cheering you on and impressed every step of the way.

You can do it! Princessmeggy will be your IM - she'll do a great job because she knows what it's like.

I saw another thread where the IMs kept letting the WH get through. It's better your friends told you they wouldn't do this now, rather than after you'd been worn out by hundreds of mindless contacts with your WH. It's a blessing to be spared that pain and confusion.

Your H will thank you for the rest of his life if you do this - he needs the structure and firmness, he's a freaking mess right now and has no idea what he wants or needs, regardless of how 'together' he may seem (trust me on this one, I'm a fWW).

I know it's hard. You've been betrayed and abused in the worst way. But YOU CAN DO IT!

You'll be glad you did.

My spouse thanks me for exposing him, and he framed the PlanB letter- which he keeps in his office, although in a drawer (lol) because it was a sign of how much I was willing to do to fight for him. He calls it a love letter now . At the time he originally got it? notsomuch. But now? He knows. He understands, and he is grateful.

Same here. Lifelong friends who genuinely could not reconcile my version with the former man, the man they knew 'knew he would never do that' 'why did I shame him' 'there are two sides to every story'


Few months later: 'he is acting strangely' 'how are you doing?' 'telling everyone was so clever'

Few months after that everyone totally fed and disgusted with being totally lied to...

Hiya WHiP, how about an update?

Let us know how you are...

Oh deary me...where do I begin?
Haven't given him the PBL yet. Still don't have an IM. We have a mutual friend who I've asked to do it and she's supposed to have an answer for me today. I've been avoiding him as much as I can though. Just couldn't take the lip service, lies and gaslighting anymore.

Saturday I sat down with WH's grandparents (the ones paying for the family FL trip) and tearfully let them know I'd allow our DS to go (he's 5). I know it's what I had to do, but I'm heartboken over it. I've been a SAHM for over 5 years and this is DS's FIRST trip to the beach & ocean. I won't be there. And neither he nor I will get those first memories back. I had to let him go for noone other than myself. I couldn't live with myself knowing I'd been so selfish to keep Grandad from enjoying the beach with his great-grandson. I hate WH for this. (On top of everything else!) I'm praying that God helps me overcome the biterness and the hate I feel, but it seems an impossible task right now. I don't want reconciliation. I want a divorce from this selfish coward. His words are that he loves me and wants us to work out. He wants us back together, but other than SAYING it, there's NOTHING to PROVE it. In fact, everything proves he feels otherwise! How the hell can he SAY he "wants us" and put me in a position to make the decision I did about DS going to FL?! If he "wants us" how can he excitedly go to FL without me and our toddler DD? I'd be miserable!!! I wouldn't even WANT to go without my spouse and BOTH children.

I just hate him. I'll give him the PBL once I've got an IM lined up (thanks for the offer Princes, I'll keep it in mind). But I'm confident he won't do a thing to reconcile. Confident. It's just the next step I have to take before filing for a divorce. He's too prideful to ever write a NCL and too weak to do anything else for recovery.

I'm staying close to God, and He's like skin to me right now. Got away to the country this weekend to regroup and it was rereshing.

Please remember Whip, that he is under the influence of an addiction. Hating him is not only exhausting and hard on you, but it is very pointless to hate an addict. When you get into Plan B you will feel more peace. Remember you are handing him the best tools possible to free himself from the addiction with Plan A then Plan B. If given time, he does not he will have no power over you, no power to make you hate him.

Hugs, Whip (((((((((Whip)))))))))))

Forgiveness may have a starting point, but it is also a process. Forgiveness is not cheap, it costs us, and sometimes it's hard...when we ask God to help us, it makes a difference. Don't worry about your emotions too much right now, it's all pretty fresh, just make sure you don't hold onto unforgiveness and let bitterness take root in you...that changes a person.

It's seeming high time for Plan B to protect what little is left of your love for him.

So sorry for your pain! So sorry he is being a jerk. You have permission to feel all that you are feeling. You don't need to even be talking or thinking about forgiveness today. Let the steam off. It's ok. Feel it....express it. It hurts and its crappy. Anger is ok now.

But stay with the plan. Stay the course. We are proud that you have stood strong....and you will make it through here. Stay with it!!

In this day and age, online IM's work just fine. Even if you keep looking for an IRL IM, I would encourage you to get going with the most excellent Princess M.

I would bite her hand off, Whip as she's a top notch MBer.

I have an experienced MB forum member for my IM and its reassuring to know the IM knows their stuff and how to handle waywards.

A RL IM is great, but I think there's an advantage to using someone who knows MB and what Plan B should look like.

I was worried WH wouldn't use the IM if it was someone he didn't know, but then again, like so many have posted, he's not going to like any of this. And he doesn't have to. That's the way it's gonna be!

Having an IM that understands MB and Plan B would definitely be helpful in not allowing emotional junk and stuff I don't need to know about to come through. WH would look at me like I had 3 heads if I told him "I'm in Plan B now." I haven't said a word about MB site or forum. And don't plan to.

Next question - how do I get in touch with princessmeggy?
Princessmeggy if you're reading please contact me. I'd love to take you up on the offer to help as IM.

Whip, I'm here. This must be a God-thing because I don't usually log on from work but something told me to log in just this minute and your post is the first one I read.

I will be happy to IM for you. Just send an email to Justuss2@aol.com (our administrator) and let her know. She will arrange it where we can exchange emails and pertinent information.

Are you prepared? Plan B letter ready? Don't worry about your WH and how he reacts, he doesn't have a choice if you stick to your guns.

Wonderful! Thank You Lord!! I will contact admin pronto.

I feel prepared. Got most things lined up and PB letter written, posted and even adjusted a few things.

I'm definitely ready for no contact. I'm staying with my parents & sister and they're very supportive of this and will do everything they can on their end to keep him from "ambushing" me.

I will setup filters on email addresses to anything I get will automatically be forwarded. I haven't changed my phone #. Our DS (5) likes to call WH when he's with me, and calls me when he's with WH. No need to speak with WH (and I usually don't wanyway) as DS knows how to use the phone himself and calls the same time each evening.

Your WH will most certainly say that he is not using the IM because he doesn't know or trust her. I most certainly assure you that it makes no difference. 99% of WS's kick up a HUGE fuss about having to use an IM, and every single one of them has an excuse whether they know the IM or not.

This will work as long as you stick to your guns. You sound very strong, and I know you can persistently stay dark.