Whip, no wayward enjoys Plan B, that's the point. If they want a family, team mate and helper, they have to put effort in to the relationship. they cant live rent free and chore free forever. You wont care about his silliness once in Plan B and you wont see his reaction anyway.

You may already have this but this will help with your PB letter. Plan B letter samples Also post it here for feedback from the board.

Don't worry about the wayward foggbabble he will say because they all say the same things, because they don't like Plan B. They are wayward and only think of themselves.

Just get your IM locked down and you will be fine. Here is an excellent thread Mel put together that you might want to have your IM read. IM training school

Started work on this last night, finished it up this morning. I'll rewrite it in my own handwriting. My PBL:

Dearest <WH>,

This is the most difficult letter I've ever written. It is with heavy heart that I sit here and put my thoughts and feelings to paper. It is nothing short of sad what has happened to our marriage and us. The path that I must take now is not one of choice but one of self-preservation. Please let me explain.

I must first acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I have made many mistakes in the past that can not be changed. I am aware of my shortcomings and selfishness as a wife that created a void in our marriage and left you vulnerable to having an affair, and I alone am responsible for changing how I act and react to meeting your most important emotional needs. I did not truly realize how much it meant to you for me to be there for you, by admiring you, respecting your leadership, asking for your help with things instead of always being so independent, and showing you the affection you needed, to name a few. I now clearly see many of those things I was lacking in. I just didn't understand how important it was to us. I would sincerely like the opportunity to be the only woman who is allowed to meet those needs for you so you would never again doubt the love I have for you. You will always come first.

Since January, I've been trying to give you hope for the marriage by learning how to be a better wife to you. To give you hope that you could return to a marriage that you wanted, and for us to build our family together, but the past few months have been the most difficult of my life. The pain and emptiness that I endure on a daily basis is almost too much to bear. My only saving grace is the memories of the wonderful life and love we once shared, of the all good times we have spent together, the extraordinary qualities that led me to accept your proposal to grow old with you and the thought of us being together again someday - happy. Unfortunately, I now find those pleasant thoughts and feelings are slowly eroding away. Before I lose any more of the thoughts and feelings of what was once us, I must take some drastic steps. With all of my heart, I would like to build a new marriage with you. One, in which we both feel safe, loved, respected and cherished. I simply cannot continue my efforts to rebuild our marriage while you are still involved with <OW>. It has become too painful. We can only rebuild our marriage � together � when you completely end your relationship with her.

Until that point, I feel I must break off all contact with you. I will avoid seeing you or talking to you or communicating with you in any way. This is not to punish you, it is to protect my feelings for you. This separation is a necessity to preserve my love for you and to avoid losing any more of the things we have shared together, and to give our marriage the best chance for recovery! I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you in this way. You must know the torturous pain and suffering I have endured because of your relationship with <OW>. I simply cannot be in contact with you any longer, knowing that you refuse to cut all contact with her.

I do not wish for your bond with the children to suffer any further and I will try to be as flexible as possible with visitation of the children, but I must ask that you not have contact with me during pick up and drop off times. I would also like any of the regular communications between us to be handled by a mediator, and our friends <names> have agreed to help. Any questions or issues regarding the children or finances need to go through them. Any attempts to contact me directly will be ignored.

I won't take the opportunity to reconcile lightly and hope you wouldn't either.

For reconciliation to happen I would need the following from you before making a commitment to reunite:

> Proof of your complete separation from <OW>, in the form of a No Contact letter written in your handwriting.
>Proof that you have publicly admitted your relationship with <OW> to everyone you denied or minimized it to.
> Transparency about the affair and in all the aspects of your life you have kept secret (phone, laptop, email passwords, etc.)
> A willingness to seek professional counseling
> An active role in creating and engaging in a detailed recovery plan for our marriage.

In my mind I will keep the vision of seeing you walk through the door and say "hello my world!" and of a happy and loving family where our needs are being met and a relationship that no others could come between. I know it can happen! What anyone other than you thinks about us is of no importance to me or my feelings for you. I have loved you as many different men; as a boyfriend, a husband, a father, a pastor, a confidant, a cheerleader, a friend, a mentor, and a lover to list a few. I still love you today, I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are still involved with <OW>.

I pray God gives you the power to be strong & courageous enough to take the necessary steps in stepping up to restore our family. I miss you, and DS & DD miss you. I miss us.

Your loving & loyal wife,
~<BS>


Thoughts? Advice?

I will post a sample letter below, but I would get the book Surviving an Affair ASAP. In the meantime, here is a link that describes Plan B: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html


Find a person who will be agree to completely neutral and will act as a spam filter, passing on only pertinent information about child visitation and finances. Give them this link: Intermediary Training School


But you won't know what he says because you will be in Plan B!


This would work but only if you can manage to hand him the letter and get him to read it later. You don't even want to get into any discussion with him. Once you hand him the letter, the door should shut.

And you can expect him to try everything to break through to you because he will test your resolve. It is real important to not allow him to get through. Change your locks if need be, bounce his emails, change your cell #. If he tries to contact you, the IM should back you up by sending him a message saying "whip did not recieve your message, if you want to get a message to her it must come through us."

At first he will probably REFUSE to use the IM's but if you stand your ground, he will see you are serious. If he wants to get a message to you, he will have to use them, he won't have a choice!

Plan B letter from Dr Harley's book Surviving an Affair:

My Dear Sue,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with Greg possible. I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Greg once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially. Our friends Jane and Paul have agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever you would like. But I will not be here when you visit. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through Jane and Paul.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Greg, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with him. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Greg and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing Greg.

With my love,
Jon

Send a copy to the OW with a note on it: ["skankyhola" was my addition ]
Pg 81
Dear Skankyhola, I love WS with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make him happy. I will wait for him to give me that chance.

Thanks for the PBL input. I posted my letter draft to this thread. Let me know what you think.

Dang, that is a great letter that hits on EVERY point. You are very astute! A couple of small suggestions:

1. change the word mediator to intermediary

2. tighten up your visitation so that it is not flexible. You do not want flexible, because that invites needless contact. Keep it strict by setting up a rigid schedule. For example, give him every Wednesday night from 5 to 7:30 and Saturday afternoons from 2 to 6. Work out a rigid schedule. That will be best for you ALL because it provides a small measure of stability for your kids and eliminates the need for communication

3. Add a line about finances. Tell him you expect him to continue to support your family by depositing $____ in your account each week.

:)Thanks ML for the encouragement & the pointers. I"ve changed up one of the paragraphs and added a short one to include these suggestions:

I do not wish for your bond with the children to suffer any further and I believe they need to have time with you each week. For that reason you are welcome to pick them up at my parents� house on Wednesday evenings at 5:00 PM or later, and have them back to my parents� house by 8:30 PM. We can continue the every-other-weekend schedule as well. On the weekends they are with you, please pick them up on Friday at 5:00 PM or later and bring them back by 5:00 PM on Sunday. The weekends they are with me, you are welcome to pick them up on Sunday at 3:00 PM and have them back by 8:30 PM. I must ask that you not have contact with me during pick up and drop off times. I would also like any of the regular communications between us to be handled by an intermediary, and our friends <name> have agreed to be help. Any questions or issues regarding the children or finances need to go through them. Any attempts to contact me directly (via phone calls, texts, emails, etc.) or indirectly (friends or family members) will be ignored.

Financially speaking, I expect you to continue to support your family by depositing your paychecks into our checking account so that bills can still be paid and necessities purchased.


The financial request of "paycheck" instead of an amount is vague, but that is because he just started a new job last Monday and I am unsure of his pay schedule or paycheck amounts. He has old me he is salary and paid twice a month, but ya know, he IS a liar. So who really knows?

I would change the line
Any attempts to contact me directly (via phone calls, texts, emails, etc.) or indirectly (friends or family members) will be ignored.

to the factual:

Any attempts to contact me must be through the IM. I will not read or respond to any other route of commuication.

Excellent suggestion!

Also you don't want flexible anything, you want him to learn to respect boundaries. I would see an attorney and file legal separation to get financial requirements in place (child support, etc.) An attorney should also help you think of other things that may not come to your mind that may be important and will be a good go-between for legal matters.

Don't worry about what WH thinks, ILs think, church thinks, or anyone else, just focus on doing the right thing and trust that is what will work.

Get SAA asap, it's gives the written script about what it takes to make it and it doesn't take sides or judge, it's very matter of fact and uses godly principles.

Plan B is tabled for now. IMs fell through, said after discussing & praying about it, they don't want to get inbetween WH & I and think we need to talk this out ourselves instead of using buffers to keep from communicating.

Back to square one? Only other option for IM is my unmarried, 22yo sister.

This just isn't good. I'm gonna end up having to give in. There's no "hard evidence" like pics or videos to convince everyone, they all think I'm crazy. Going dark Plan B or filing for separation/divorce will make me "the bad guy" b/c he's the holy, almighty Pastor and WH's lip service is that "his want to is there now. He wants us to work this all out and he believes we can together!" But, WH isn't budging on the NCL. Soooo...stuck.

DO NOT GIVE IN.

Use your unmarried sister. Surely she will listen to reason and sense if no one else will.

DO NOT GIVE IN. You are worth more than this.

Be the bad guy--it is worth it. This is the chance to get him back. He either agrees to NC, and gets the letter done, or he gives up on recovery.

Thats ok! Just keep looking for IMs. You don't throw in the towel just because the person you approached declined.

p.s. you might even be able to find someone on the forum who will do it for you. It is really an easy job that takes very little effort.

WHIP -- the main issue that you must always remember when doing anything is your WH IS AN ADDICT. He is floating HIGH as a kite on the chemicals in his brain from this woman.

No Contact for life is the Quintessential part to making the program of recovery work. WITHOUT NO CONTACT he doesn't have the ability to detox from his HIGH.

As long as he remains in contact with her, then he faces the likelihood of getting more and more entrenched until it does become physical.

What society fails to understand (THE CHURCH FAILS TO TEACH) is adultery (Emotional/Physical) has the same brain altering chemicals as crack/cocaine/meth/alcohol. They believe this "Love" thing is strictly emotional and hence can be controlled by "Will Power".

They do not understand that when one gets emotional needs met by someone other than their spouse and there is enough chemical reaction in the brain, that can hook the person into lust. Lust triggers everything in the body, especially for men, it makes them want to have sex.

Your WH is on the edge of no return. He knows it is wrong, but doesn't want to come off his HIGH. It is that powerful and it creates that "FOG" everyone is talking about.

Since your WH has moved out ... he is needing, wanting, searching, trying to keep his HIGH going. He doesn't want you in his way, hence he moved out.

Your best option is Plan B ... and treat him like the ADDICT he is today. Do not let society tell you different. We on these forums have seen thousands upon thousands of almost identical situations.

It is chemicals ... that are binding him to sin right now. He and only he has the power to turn back. He has to want to do it and no one can force him to do it.

I agree with the above you hubby is totally hooked, line and sinker. ... had I not exposed for my wifes step dad .. "grandma" would have had her entire church convinced she was NOT having an affair (they did believe her at first until i got the goods).. (she was worship leader and her AP was the drummer).. She tried to use the church to further her agenda... get the pastor on her side .. etc .. it all failed and my wife and I "ruined her life" because we exposed her nasty adultery to her entire church and backed it up with a recording of her admitting to it.

DO NOT GIVE UP! ... somewhere .. somehow .. you will break through

MNG

It is wonderful that your potential IMs let you know they were not the right people.
Much better than getting them and then having a mess.

Your sister may or may not work. A lot depends on her temperment and style of relationship with your H. She would need to be above the emotional stuff and etc.

Keep thinking of IMs.

You can do this. WH does NOT get to win. Neither does WH's temporary master.

Jesus is on your side, because you are on His side - the side that upholds the sacredness of family and marriage. Ask Him to show you who your IM should be. Whoever it is, we can help them prepare for what they need to do.

Good for you! Make sure your Plan is solid and that you are committed to it. That's where a lot of betrayeds make their mistake. BE READY.

Don't be distracted by what he may or may not think. What he thinks is immaterial. The goal is to get him home and committed to rebuilding your marriage.
Prayers going up for you, sweetie. Hang in there and stay the course. You're doing the best thing you could do for your family.