happy, i would take out "and making it better than ever." and "happy" in front of "family" in the next sentence.

i would add "WH left our marriage and family to pursue the affair with OW and is now living with her." (added and family).

i would change the last bit about any advice to something that includes support of the marriage...i would need to see another letter to get the wording right; maybe someone else can chime in there.

i am sorry to hear of your trouble with the IM. i would be happy to be yours via email if you think i would be suitable. notify the mods for an email exchange, ok? will be back later.

I did a little editing to illustrate more of the abuse of company resources to further this adultery. This is the picture that you want to paint for your corporate exposure targets. You see I omitted the part about advice and whatnot. Personally, I think it's unnecessary. You'll also notice I swapped affair for adultery. A love affair can be construed as romantic. There's not a whole lot of romance in adultery.

Wait for the vets to comment though. These are just my thoughts.

ETA: Edited to add Mel's addition (in case you want to copy and paste). I knew I was forgetting something but couldn't put my finger on it, and that was it. Thanks Mel.

Yep, I really like Wes' changes.. The only thing I would add is this:

"If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action."

Letty, Thanks so much for yor offer of IM - I'm sure you would be perfect you know the MB principals and the art of going dark and can relate to everything. I'll contact a moderator. Thanks again I really appreciate it.

Thanks TigerWes I appreciate you input, its always good to have someone's opinion who isn't emotionally invested and can see whats best. I appreciate your editing its always good to save the fingers typing. smiley (didn't have icon option)

Thanks again for yor valuable input. I will get onto preparing letters and sending this afternoon.

The letter definitely has oomph now! How are you feeling hf?

Hi Caracal, mixed feelings today. Its really sad the way things have progressed. I understand we're all wired to have an affair etc and I'm not in denial, but there are times where it is hard to believe it has happened and this is where we are.

The betrayal was painful but I understand how it happened and can forgive the affair. His appalling behaviour has caused the most pain. I know its the "wayward way" but its been so painful, how cruel and uncaring waywards can become.

I understand the pyschology and my love for him is still strong enough that I honestly bear no ill feelings for him .... its just really sad. Its also sad to see the man I love, admire and respect turn into an irrational, selfish alien and know I can't help him (except for exposure). I have mourned the man I know and loved and acknowledged the man he has become.

I know going dark is the best plan for both personal and marital recovery. Even though lately our contact has been limited to emails and seeing him fortnightly when he collects DD6 and brings him home, I know I am going to miss even the limited contact. I really miss my husband, I miss my marriage, I miss the happy family unit we had. It really breaks my heart that our children especially DD6 don't have a full time father.

I think in my case going dark is the only way as nothing to date has helped. Hopefully in time after the fallout from exposure dies down his anger will start to fade. WH has been projecting his guilt and anger onto me. IC indicated she thought OW was controlling & manipulative and WH was projecting that onto me as a way of dealing with it. He's also angry as I have stood my ground to protect our financial security. So much anger.

Injustice is something I have always struggled with. It hurts that he seems to believe his accusations and misconceptions of me ... I know its justification of behaviour.

A part of me is looking forward to going dark and no longer living the drama, but to be honest I know its not going to be easy as I really miss my husband, he has been the centre of my world for so long ... this really sucks. I know I will never have an affair I could never inflict so much pain.

Trying to remain positive, I suppose it will be easier now given the time frame and our limited contact the last month, than this would have been 3 weeks after DD.

Its good to have somewhere where you can express your feelings and know that fellow MBers have been through it and get where your coming from. Oh well maybe a bubble bath and glass of wine ... a treat would be nice!

Well letters done. Mailed letter to WH this afternoon (different hemisphere time difference waiting for email address for IM via Mods) Unfortunately missed the collection time, so won't go until Monday, should receive Tuesday. Sad moment sending it off, but I know I need to do this if I have any chance of reconciliation.

Thank you to everyone for your support, advice and suggestions for the letters. Particularly Melody Lane for your insight and valuable advice. I really appreciate your honesty. A big thank you to Letty for kindly offering to be my IM.

I think MB Land is an amazing place, in my case I've appreciate the support, this was something I was missing. I know I made it harder for myself by not confiding in friends earlier (too painful to let people know about the infidelity) and trying to protect WH & family.... yes I now know I enabled the affair, didn't know this before MB. All other professional resources indicated "be the best most beautiful version of yourself and wait for the wheels to fall off", nothing about the benefits of expsosure.

good morning happy. i wanted to get in a quick note before i go to work.

i know your letter is going to be weighing heavily on your mind, and you are going to wonder when he will try to break NC. please try not to think about this: today is the 4th day about YOU!

believe me, i know how hard it will be! but often those who try to break NC right away are cake-eaters. your WH isn't one of those. try not to be too disappointed when he doesn't ring you up and say he's found clarity. PB takes time to work. focus on YOU. what is your plan for today?

Hi Letty, It is weighing on my mind although its day 4 its like day 1 as my letter will be going today (missed Frday's collection) and he'll get it tomorrow.

I honestly don't think he will break NC, he was angry I stood my ground protecting our assets etc. I don't know whether this is a good thing not being a cake eater, I hope Plan B works in time. I've also sadly learned OW (instinct & intuition were right) has been fuelling his anger and has actively controlling and manipulating everything from our paenting views about our children to agreements re our assets.

Last post didn't quite express my thoughts ... I know its a good thing he is not a cake eater, I mean't I don't know if its a good I believe he won't break NC. I know in my stich because their A has continued without interference it will take a while, I'm just hoping in time he will have clarity and will want to return ... I'm still standing for our marriage and family.

happyfuture,

How can you be wrong when you're standing for your family and marrige? You're doing so good and showing great strength.

MB may not save all marriages but it does save all people(who actually follow it). I believe in MB and know that it can make you a better person. You're a MB warrior and standing up against the wrongs. I'm proud to have you as part of our MB family.

Putting this out to MB Land for comments, not really sure what to do; do I ignore or confront OW via letter. I don't want to give her the power that her actions are hurting me ... she is a narcist, but I want to put a stop to her behaviour.

OW has been controlling and manipulating everything. She is behind WH current position of defaulting on mortgage and turnaround on finalising our Separation Agreement (honouring our agreement). She has also been actively bad mouthing me to the children and behind WH current change of parenting views. Amazing he values her ideas given she has no children or experience with children and my experience as a mother of 3, partial completion of early childhood degree, 15yrs voluntary work in our children's schools and 7 yrs part time work within primary schools, coaching junior sport etc suddently counts for nothing.

It appears she is insecure and actively fueling WH anger and attacking me to prevent him returning. I believe the attacks on my parenting and bad mouthing me to children also supports her agenda.

I'd appreciate any suggestions.

Thought I'd add she noted on her FB "I should get step parent of the year award, went to pet shop and movie" with WH & DD6 yeah right .... bad mouthing me to my children etc isn't damaging?

aha! my first

gf, you are in PB! block her fb, his fb, and ANY hole that allows you to know this stuff. even your children shouldn't talk about them to you (you have explained this to them, right? be sure to use the word "adultery" and emphasize how wrong it is. kids get this.).

keep being the stellar person and mother that you are, and let them grovel in their own pig manure. the truth always wins out in these situations. taking a kid to the movies is not going to win parent of the year. wait until they have to deal w/winter illnesses, homework, and not being able to buy another house, because you are keeping the family home! they can stay shacked up in whatever hovel they are using to further their adultery.

this is kind of a "let go and let god" moment. i am not religious myself, but the expression works nonetheless.

have you rung your bank manager to discuss your mortgage situation?

BH, thanks I really appreciate the support and encouragement. Regardless of the outcome, which I'm remaining positive I feel blessed that I have found MB and know that my strongest chance of reconciliation liies her following the plans and accepting the advice.

Aha Letty, you'll have to take back your 2 x 4 I discovered this before going dark

Yeah I thought about this after the post and decided it was best to ignore her. I spoke with my kids about her lies and deception and we talked about their reply "I don't want to talk about this" "I don't want to know" "I don't want to get to take sides" As for WH he will have to come to his own realisation about her in his own time ... I know this but I wish I could shake him ... maybe he needs the 2 x 4

My Plan B was to go dark and then expose ... WH receive letter tomorrow, workplace & FB Wednesday.

I have been in contact with Bank Manager prior to WH threat to default and since he has taken that action. Currently working on strategy if all else fails legal avenue for spousal maintenance for my 1/2 share of mortgage. This is REAL ALIEN behaviour.

Forgot to add ... yes all kids are aware of affair and that its wrong. DD16 said she would like to see us back together but she didn't think WH deserved me because of what he has done and his aien behaviour. DD6 told me WH had broken his promise, and had made a bad choice.

You betcha! Don't acknowledge this skank. From the sounds of her, it would likely feed her drama and add fuel to her badmouthing.

I'm glad you are in Plan B for exposure. You have been suffering from this affair for long enough, a casualty of their war. Now toss the grenade from the safety of Plan B, let them deal with the fallout. Now is time for you to tend and heal your wounds, not suffer from new ones.

Well done on taking steps to protect yourself and the kids!!! It feels very strange initially, responding to a wayward's alien behaviour by acting independently and with self-preservation in mind. I still have difficulty with this, having been a wife made joint decisions for so long. But it is the right thing to do. Be proud of your efforts.