I agree with "reclaiming" these dates. That has helped me a lot throughout recovery - whether a place, event, or date - you have to bring it back to the new marriage if it is something unavoidable.

I would say no - you don't have to tell the wife about the antiversary dates - but you do have to be open about the fact that you may need more this coming month, IMO. There are ways to do that without LBing and bringing up the past. Your spouse is supposed to help you through recovery and they simply can't if they have to guess what you need.

Bobby Petrino's side babe cost him $3.5M a yr. Wonder if she was worth it. POS.

Some guys just cannot control themselves.

Why didnt he just divorce his wife when he first started doing this bimbo? Might have been able to save his job.

Meglomania is an interesting condition.

Your answer to solving the bimbo-problem is to LEAVE HIS FAMILY so that he could SAVE HIS JOB?

Tinge of sarcasm didnt come thru for you, Deke?

1000s of horny, weak-willed guys leave their wives and family for younger women all the time. The hurt, in my opinion, would be less if they did rather than putting a wife and kids through the pain of knowing dad is cheating. And, much worse if you are public figure.

I guess Im projecting because in my case I would much rather have had my wife ask for a divorce when her affair began than have the all the crap Im dealing with now. Our kids would have been younger and known less than they do now, I could have cried and fought for our marriage, but in the end if her happiness meant going with a deviant, go have him.

Id much rather she'd have found happiness long ago with him than string me along. This is all Im saying.

Where is the Celtic Voyager???

Hey!

Sorry. Life got REAL busy here. I am serving at 2 churches now and started a new job in addition to school at night. Hsn't left much time for UA time so I had to cut back on a lot. Just catching up on a million back posts!

CV

Good to hear from you. Those who keep me focused have had to pull double duty.

All is good.

Lol. I'm glad to hear it! One of the things I am doing is teaching a crisis counseling class for one of the churches I am working at.Grace and I have done a phenomenal amount of it in the last few years and they asked if I could teach their leadership. Getting the MB stuff in line here for the marriage part....

Im upset over the goings on in another thread as Im really pulling for him to get what he wants out of his marriage and it seems to be eluding him.

The advice seems to be for him to step up UA time while confronting his wife on her recent NC infraction.

I really believe he needs to show her what life is like without him. The rumbling nausea in his belly he has had to live with must be unbearable. How much fight does he left?

--------

My wife mentioned to me that she knows what milestone dates are ahead of us and she reminded me that they are insignificant in terms of where we are and where we are going. It was a rare time she made any mention of anything like that.

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As predicted, the newlywed-like SF we've (maybe just, I) enjoyed has certainly cooled. We did have a discussion about it the other day. We have an empty house everyday for a couple of hours after Jr. gets on the bus and before she needs to leave for work.

This had become OUR time post dday, if you will.

And, she knows that during her A, this alone time was just that...we spent it alone and separate. Except for the handful of times per year I begged, browbeat, and cajoled her into it.

It boils down to initiating SF. I dont want to have to go thru the machinations like I did for a lot years. I WONT go thru that every time.

But in last 2-3 months I have found myself again having to create the magic much like always did. It triggers bad feelings and I had to tell her.

I know some guys like to be the aggressor and like to open the gates as I do and will continue to do on most occasion. I guess maybe I need the illusion that she wants me. All of me in every way. And when Im always tapping her on the shoulder for this, I see visions of her Id rather not.

I kept the discussion about us. Never spoke of her past activity. It wasnt about the frequency, which Im OK with even its comparatively slowed down state. Not about installing a trapeze and mirrors on the ceiling. Im good there.

It was about passion.

I want passion from her. About us. About being together with me.

Because nothing feels as good as when you feel the passion is real.

Just riffing.

Mike, It's sounds like you guys are doing very well.

I think all of us men struggle with what you are going through with your FWW.

It's a little different than the BW with the FWH scenario since men are usually the aggressor when it come to lovemaking.

The BW KNOWS her FWH wants her when he initiates because that probably was the way it was BEFORE the A.

The BH and FWW situation needs a new way of doing things so that the BH KNOWS he is wanted...

A little hard to KNOW if someone wants to do something if you are the one always asking them to do it...

What I learned was that the PASSION could come back if I planted the seed to make it grow.

One of the most common things BH's hear that the OM did that made her feel passionate was "It was just the way he looked at me..."

Well...

It was more than that.

It was HOW he made her feel about herself.

We BH have a HUGE advantage over the POS OM.

Ours is actually truthful LOVE for her...

NOT the bullsh*t lies he fed her.

Sending your W flowers and cards are nice but won't bring the PASSION back.

You need to recreate in her mind the feelings that you CRAVE her and that she is special.

How?

For most women TEXTING her is what plants the seed.

Her wondering WHAT you are going to say next.

Don't give it all away with the first text.

Give her something like "I was just thinking about."

Next "your eyes were so green this morning that it's all I can think about and."

You get the idea.

Stay connected to her the whole day, not just when she's home.

Everywhere.

At work or running errands.

It doesn't matter where she is she's ALWAYS on your mind.

It works.

God bless.

Jim

Mike,

Just know that it is natural to have the slow down after awhile. We've experienced it too. Doesn't mean the passion should be gone, of course, but the hysterical bonding time period fades as you settle back in to every day life - unfortunately.

In a healthy marriage both parties should be initiating, at least to some degree. Heck, even if you're not the initiator you can still make sure your partner feels glad he or she initiated! In fact, that may be more important than who actually initiated.

For a woman, we need to feel the emotional intimacy sometimes in order to feel the physical passion. When we feel close to our spouses, unless there's something else going on (hormones or whatnot) we feel the passion much more readily. Just make sure you are having plenty of tender moments with your wife and the SF should take care of itself, I would think.

Thanks Jim.

I just got off the phone and closed out the conversation about SF and who gets things going before she had to run into work.

She doesnt always know when I want it (which is BS actually, Ive told pre dday only 100x I want it daily) but if she detects some anxiety she stays clear of me. I told her today that if Im anxious she is to come closer and that is the best way to remove it.

But, to your point, she wants me to be more proactive with the compliments and implied a sweet text or something nice out the door could do always do more to grease her wheel. Even suggested a good hold sometimes would be appreciated and returned. To think that a vision of her past life would put me in a crappy mood and thus reduce the chance of me extending a compliment or mood inducing touch and thus reduce my chance of SF is vicious cycle I need to end.

-----

She actually met 2 girlfriends for coffee before work and one of them is the girl she'd invite over to OM's house because he wouldnt be able to glom all over her for action if the friend was there. This sets off a bunch of bad images, like no matter how often the friend was there, it was nearly enough to avoid a ton of alone time with him. Anyway, I didnt bring it up.

I told she is doing great and Im proud of her. And I texted her blue eyes are all Im thinking about today!!

JF although more unusual this is not just a phenomena that occurs for BH's, I have SF as a top EN and can related. Not common, but I can relate to everything you are saying MSS.

I have only been working on recovery for a couple months after several yrs in la la land. Have gone back to pre DDay major initiation and although WH is still being receptive to it, he hasn't done much intiating on his side. I already after a couple months am back to feeling like 'the groper' and have sensed a slight effort on his part to start getting annoyed with my constant advances and pushing me away, which was a HUGE LB for many years. Worse for a girl? At least it is COMMON for a guy and many can relate. I can't tell you how many people shake their head in disbelief at this dynamic between us and say 'he must be cheating....um ya...or he must be gay!' Quite frustrating.

I get wanting the passion, or wanting to feel like you are desired by your spouse. H once told me his former gf's thought he was too sexually assertive, yet with me??? Makes me feel like he is not attracted to me or does not want me. Very rejected. Also feel like maybe it is a matter of the cat and mouse game, like does a man secretly like to have to work for it, which he never has to do. As in, if it is offered on a silver platter, does it take some of the fun away. I don't know. I'm not really good at playing cat and mouse.

Anyway, if you figure out how to fix this problem, let me know.

Um yeah, it is an odd dynamic over there UW.

The WS getting all he needs at home and still needs side action.

I should be so lucky to have the need to push her away for too much action!! Wow.

Truth is for me and maybe other BH as well, its natural for me to want to "reclaim" her. This was a LTA and no doubt they spent a lot of time together. I have a need to have her a lot.

(By the way, at risk going into TMI territory, I went to a psychologist after dday to work "MY ISSUES" through. As sex with OM was front and center in my head, he suggested a certain type of sex that OM and my wife never did, nor have I with her, but this would be my exclusive part of her. I told her about the Dr.'s precription for me and she WAS NOT on board at all. No amount of alcohol would work. I ceased visiting this guy.)

I just wanted her to be mine in the tradition sense. No need to create a sexual spectacle.

I dont know what to suggest to you, UW. It doesnt take anyone special to want only one's wife. It does however take a lowlife to want another's. The same is true for woman.

Either he wants only you or he doesnt. He needs to choose and not just use you.

Thanks MSS hope I'm not hijacking your thread with my own issues! WS was not getting all his needs met at home but he WAS getting SF met, at all times in our marriage.

I don't know about the reclaiming thing. For me I just feel like he wanted these other women more. Found them more attractive more sexy. Of course during his one physical encounter (ONS) I think of it as very passionate and him being very aggressive with her which he does not do with me (I am 95% initiator, aggressor even after DDay, I initiated LESS but still had to have some needs met, know what I mean..). Maybe it was or wasnt like that I don't even know.

That story about the psychologist made me LOL.

Well he has chosen only me, at least he better have. If you have read any of my thread you know how resentful I am over a ONS that happened a decade ago (and several other EA's, situations along the way of course). There is no FR or fence walking for this BS nor should there be for him. And I'm not really sure about 'using me' either. Am I using him???

What say you about my cat and mouse comment? From a male's perspective. Could that be it? I just know how I lived for the first decade when he had his wayward mindset, do NOT want to go back to that way of life and I can see it around the corner. My seemingly desperate attempts to engage him in SF, him rejecting me. Also don't want to feel like SF for him is like a chore to check off to meet my EN's. Need the desire and passion! Like you said. Ok I'm done venting on your thread. Just thought you might have some insight from his perspective, but I guess my sitch is kindof an anomaly.

Not sure about cat and mouse stuff.

Some guys want to chase, some want to be chased, Im sure most want and have a happy combination of both.

If you initiating SF at a rate you are not happy with, it needs to be spoken about. You are talking to a guy who spent inordinate amount of time have to ask for it from my wife while she seemed to be giving to another (whether he had to beg for it or not.)

I have had girlfriends 20 years ago, maybe not uncommon for our ages then, who initiated it all the time. So, I know it does happen. I have friends today who have wives who initiate it per 'guy talk' I hear. So, i know it happens today.

For me, to have to ask for it or make the first move ALL THE TIME is too reminiscent of a long period of bad times in that arena.

Yes your situation maybe an anomaly. However, my wife OM was cheating on his wife with mine, and on my wife with yet another. For men its usually about sex and not getting enough of it. It gives me some hope that maybe he just wasnt getting as much from either his or my wife so he needed another. Ill go with that thought.

So if yours is getting it at home at desired (however inflated) levels what is he looking for?

Good question. Don't know the answer. Not getting his needs of DS and RC met, but then, a ONS with an unattractive bar ho didn't provide him with either of those either. I guess I would chalk the ONS up to too much liqour and poor boundaries. All the crap in between then and now though, guess that wasn't just about SF.

What are inflated levels? Didn't you say you requested it once a day based on your EN list? That's all I'm asking for. Actually I think I cut that down to 5 times/week to be fair. More I just want it to be a two way street, know what I mean?

I have definitely spoken about it. I have said nothing on these forums or elsewhere that I have not first said to him, and usually on multiple occasions. He definitely knows what I want, and when I'm frustrated about not getting it. And doesn't seem to care all that much, just says its a greater need for me than him.

UW-

I have to read your thread more closely than I have.

Your resentment seems to stem from a concern about the future and his ability to stay true to you.

Mine stems from a different place only pertaining to the past.

Therefore our angst needs to be address differently. I know my wife is regretful, thinks nothing about the A or her OM, and makes me about as happy as I can be. We speak of things that concern us when they arise and we adjust our actions accordingly.

You dont seem to feel safe in your marriage and youre calling it resentment for a decade old affair.

I will reread your thread more carefully in case Im missing your mark.

Mike

I can advise, suggest, motivate, and even beat up new BHs that come here as if I got it all figured out. Maybe its why I do it? So can I show off as much of the MB skills Ive both used and read so much about.

However, we are coming up to a period of time that is triggering some pretty bad memories. I know the excercises. I know the mental tricks. Ive had the model wife to help me through every minute of this thing last year. I had it all.

Why is April 29th turning me upside down? It is, afterall, part of the past. And, Ive done a lot to wash the past away. 4/29 is the anniversary of the acknowledged last rendezvous with OM. They way I heard from a combination of OMW and my wife was that OM and his wife were heading for a weekend away but OM couldnt leave without having my wife. It had been a long time since he had her and did some begging for it. He wished my wife was going with him on the weekend rather than his wife. (I got that from my wife and I had to tell OMW, who at the time was convinced my wife did ALL the persuing in this thing.)

Anyway he made the plans with my wife while she watched the kid that they'd go to dinner and hotel later that night. While I was on a little league field with both of my kids and Im not 100% sure where she said she was, but she went to dinner with him but declined the hotel for intercourse and offered a bj back at his office, the scene of many such things, which he accepted.

What is getting to me and has always got to me is this one event but a pimple on a buffalo's butt in terms of the grand scheme of their relationship. Just one of countless times. To be upset about this one thing almost makes no sense as there were a lot of times they were alone.

Im popping more anxiety pills in the last week than I have in the last 6. I have not told her what grinding at me. Im trying to avoid an explosion.

I know she knows about the anniversary of dday but not so sure if she knows Sunday will mark a bad anniversary for me. And since she has an ability to forget numbers, dates, and significant things pertaining to events, I bet she'll say she didnt even think of 4/29.

Doing my best but sometimes its to be too much for me to handle. Im not going back to dday and those crappy times. Im not looking to start fights. But, sometimes I want more from her.

I know a lot of other BS are acutely aware of significant dates and milestones mostly post dday and conversely WS have murky recollections of their doings.

My wife cant remember anything about the affair. How is this possible? OK, its was a LTA and maybe she can remember the first time this happened or that happened. Maybe she's protecting me from hurt? I dont want to be protected anymore. I want to know what she did still. I want more than Im sorries. Then again, as per my agreement, Im not to ask about any of it.

The upcoming milestones are triggering my need to know more stuff and that is what Im fighting.

mike

i can agree with you as my ddays' are ticking off my calendar.

"My wife cant remember anything about the affair. How is this possible? OK, its was a LTA and maybe she can remember the first time this happened or that happened. Maybe she's protecting me from hurt? I dont want to be protected anymore. I want to know what she did still. I want more than Im sorries. Then again, as per my agreement, Im not to ask about any of it. "

I also happen to be in a similar situation, cant remember yada yada. i am stubborn and cannot believe you cant remember those things. you can forget what you ate for dinner but come on how do you "forget" things like what they did. I just dont buy it.

Tho maybe they are repressing the memories, maybe its protection, or themselves and us--- i dont know, but this is where i have been for the past few days also.

its just the part of ride.