Oh, yeah, and WH understands his need for "closure" is just the addiction talking.

Thanks, again, for helping me understand.

One month post D-Day. Still on the emotional rollercoaster.

WH is still with me, saying he "picked me". Still occasional business contact with OW, but no non-business contact. (Verified) In holding pattern vis-a-vis withdrawal due to ongoing contact, but awaiting transfer across the continent.

WH and I are reading SAA, LB, HN/HN and the Five Steps together. WH says he mostly agrees with the plan. Home life is certainly improving, though there are times he says something so FOGGY that I get hooked into being deeply hurt.
---------------------------
WH:"You should really stop and think about what you did to cause me to start an A"
---------------------------
Me: "Why did you start down this path if you knew it was going to hurt me so much?" ...
WH: I didn't really think about how you'd feel. I thought you'd let me have the A and get it out of my system or see where it would lead."
--------------------------
HW:"I have never felt like this with anyone, except XXX" (NOT me though; his high school sweetheart.)
--------------------------
"From the very beginning, I told her, 'I love my wife and this is going no where.' "
(Repeated several times, as if this makes it all okay. Then he fell in love and it went somewhere)
--------------------------

Okay, that was cathartic... Now here's my question.

A few weeks before D-Day, WS initiated email contact with ANOTHER OW (AOW) to begin a "just sexual, nothing emotional A". I have a copy of that email thread. OW doesn't know about AOW. WH really, REALLY doesn't want her to know because it would "hurt her unnecessarily - maybe send her off the deep end." OW is being good about business only contact (always brings someone else to their meetings, etc.) and she has told WH that she will honour his request in NC letter. Of course, I can not trust her (and don't really care if I hurt her.)

Should I send her the email thread? Or would that likely cause OW and WS to get together to discuss the situation/commiserate/hold hands/ scuttle agreements? DEFINITELY will get WH angry me.

Advice, please.

So now there's an OW2? Are you going to expose this time?
Please read this. Exposure 101

Please go back and read your thread because you received some excellent advice.

This also is a fantastic thread to help you decipher "wayward talk". Craziest things to come out of wayward's Pieholes

Please read Pep's thread on Plan A Pep's Carrot and Stick of Plan A

catwhit, since he has not ended his affair, I would plan to separate from him and go into Plan B. Recovery of your marriage is impossible as long as they continue to see each other. That is cute and winsome that they call their contact "business contact" but it means nothing. It is like an alcoholic changing the names of his drinks to "business drinks" and claiming to sober.

Would you believe that nonsense for a minute?


Your husband is a playah and a philanderer who is not serious in the least about your marriage. I would expose him wide and far, especially to the workplace [sample letters in the thread linked in my signature] and then go right into Plan B.

I agree wholeheartedly with Mel.

Catwhit, should you doubt that your husband's affair is still active, look no further than the fact that he is still concerned with "hurting" OW . Note, he is not one bit concerned with hurting you.



Mrs. W

How is this going?

This seems to have been missed when hyour thread died before.

You realise that she was on this trip with him, don't you?

Nope, absolutely not possible for her to be on that trip. And I am not just deluding myself. Would not have let him go if she could have possibly accompanied or found a way to join him. (corp jet, going to the middle of the Sahara...) I did like the idea that they were unable to see each other even at work for that two weeks.

Like I said, I have been verifying and snooping, plus full diaries from WH, etc. So far all indications are that WH is not re-engaging (outside of work )

WH sent OW2 a NC letter immediately upon my suggestion. That had not progressed past a postponed date, and he agreed it was stupid. I do not know where she works, just have her email address and first name. Not really possible to expose. Except, of course, to OW, who knows who OW2 is, and I am not sure exposure is a good idea in that case. I want NO excuse for OW and WH to be united in a cause.

New job across the continent starts next two weeks.

Holding my breath ...

Thanks, Melody. I had not considered that he had actually not separated. Foggy BS brain, I guess. I had thought we were in Plan A, or tiptoes over the edge of withdrawal, but not anywhere near start of recovery.

I will reconsider exposure and Plan B.

This will help you get prepared for Plan B.

How to Plan B properly

Plan B Sample letters
IM Training School

Do some investigation on OW#2. If she is married her BH is a must that needs to be informed. Read the exposure 101 thread and it tells you who the must exposure targets are.

Moving Day! "Total NC" starts today. No more "just business" encounters.

H & I are doing well. Exposed to the HR dept of his company, which expedited transfer. Exposed to his new boss as well. H says he is keen to be on the recovery path (though sceptical that we can have a greater love than ever before.)

I am practicing anger management skills.

Thanks to all the forum posters here...

You did great!!! Bravo to you, my dear lady!!

Now true recovery can begin. Do you have a PLAN for recovery? Can we help you with this? Not having a plan is a plan to fail.

So proud of you!

catwhit, please consider signing up for the online program -- working the MB program in it's entirety is what will ensure real recovery and a thriving new marriage. Please don't skip this critical step -- ending the affair[s] is not enough. The two of you must have a plan to recover.

Did you know that most marriages don't end due to infidelity, but that most don't recover? Usually they just limp along in crippled and unhappy marriages -- don't let that happen to you guys. Work the program. It really and truly works.

Mrs. W

Catwhit,

Maybe I missed something in your thread. In your very first post when you said your WH had an EA with this female coworker, and followed that he was struggling to find closure and wanted to know why she did not leave her bf for him and if she ever really loved him...all I could think is this is NO EA this HAS to be a PA. In my experience when an EA gets that advanced it has already formed into a PA, maybe that is just my experience though.

I am just concerned that you are on the road to a FR (false recovery) thinking you have all of the information, doing the work towards recovery, and then finding out that there are more betrayals you did not know about it. This can be more devastating than finding out about the affair initially.

Have you done anything to assure you have ALL the information? Many, many people on these threads have suggested and/or done polygraph testing to confirm that they have all the information necessary going into recovery. Seems extreme but I personally see some red flags in your story that you do not have all the info on this affair (or others). It is not possible to go through true recovery without having radical honesty about all affairs.

For now, we are reading the books together (taking turns reading aloud to each other.)

Finished SAA (lots of discussion there!) onto HN/HN, next is LB. and we have the workbook. Will consider online program once we get settled in. I am concerned there might be lots of focus on areas we don't need (no kids, domestic and financial responsibilities sorted out.) While H is willing to work the program (not reluctant), he says he is sceptical of potential outcome. I feel our plan has to be in accordance with POJA.
I could probably "sell" the online program to him, but would rather negotiate.

Catwhit,

Again, skepticism in the program could be from him knowing he has not come clean to you. It is hard to envision the kind of marriage MB principles are driving you to if you know your are still hiding betrayals. It is hard to discuss things like 'radical honesty' knowing in your heart you are not being honest.

Unwritten,

Thanks... I will consider polygraph.

The A was an EA, not a PA, only because OW would not have sex with WH. Though H went into the A for sex, not emotion. Kinda ironic. H says OW was "too concerned about BS" for sex. She was a big tease, though... When OW wouldn't have sex, WH started on OW2, though that never got passed the email stage. (He was attempting to cheat on OW with OW2... When I pointed this out to WH has was aghast.)

OW has returned to her b.f. in another country. If I knew how to contact him, I would have exposed to him as well.

I am continuing to snoop.

But, yeah, would not want to discover another A....that would be devastating.

Thanks for the alert.

Unwritten;

Of course, you may be right about his reason for skepticism. I will monitor.

I have been thinking that WH just doesn't believe it is possible (which, with any other plan other than MB, it isn't.) He thinks it is recoverable to a certain level, but not better-than-ever. I am not prepared to "settle" for anything less, though.