I agree with Letty that the workplace exposure needs more oomph. Please read BH's link provided, this was written by a solicitor if I remember correctly (sorry Britbrat if I'm incorrect!).

You are hesitant with this workplace exposure. You doubt yourself. It shows.

Just because the employer may have turned a blind eye to the affair, do NOT underestimate you putting this in writing to them. Workplaces often turn a blind eye to what they can. Put it in writing, however, where someone is held accountable to dealing with it, and it can be a different story.

Maybe not, but MAY BE. And you want to cross your i's and dot your t's, because you want to do all you can to save your marriage.

Aim high with this. Don't send it to one person and wait for a response. Send it to HR, and anyone of seniority. Demand a response. Follow up with them what they intend to do. Don't allow them to rugsweep.

BH, I didn't think the standard letter was appropriate given they are living together. Although affair started in the workplace they are currently not breaching any policy and are not using company resources etc to maintain their relationship. CEO (WH direct report), senior management and staff would be aware of relationship given if one finishes early so does the other, they both go on leave together at the same time etc. It is no longer a case of potential workplace harassment etc. I thought it would be more effective if I was seen as loving wife wanting to save my marriage rather than a 'scorned wife' I'm sure WH & OW have told everyone our marriage ended and then they got together so I thought exposing the truth was more relevant.

What do you think?

What about sending it to HR and other board members?

HF, didn't the affair start in the workplace? So in company time?

It doesn't always matter if CEO etc are aware of the misconduct, it can matter more when someone actually complains about it. Turn a blind eye and all that.

Regardless of whether they are currently in breach, I believe investigations can take place into previous conduct?

Anyone else with more experience of this able to chime in?

Listen to these radio clips where Dr. H tells a BW to go and almost press charges against the fire dept for putting her WH with a divorce single woman together to train in the dept.
Radio Clip on Exposure in the workplace
Segment #2
Segment #3

Carcal, it's not so much doubting myself or effectiveness of exposure. I don't think workplace knew it was an affair, I strongly suspect WH will have advised that our marriage ended then they began their relationship. If you see my reply to BH, WH & OW are not breaching any policy and as they are living together they are not currently using company resources etc to sustain an affair.

CEO has been married 16yrs with 4 children and is very much a family man. I was hoping a letter that appeared to be based on love with intentions to restore marriage and family would be more effective. Other senior management I intend to send letters to are also married with children.

I'm not sure if I'm correct, but I feel the standard letter would have been more effective if I exposed in the beginning. Shame I wasn't aware of MB & exposure then.

I had planned to send to CEO, all senior management and HR.

I don't think CEO was aware of affair or misconduct. I believe WH would have told story they got together after our marriage ended. I'm not up wth NZ employment law or whether they would investigate previous conduct without evidence. Unfortunately my only evidence is the truth. I only became aware of affair on Sat, WH denied identity of OW Sun, moved out Mon ... no opportunity to check his work laptop or phone for evidence.

I would appreciate comments. Am I on right track taking 'loving wife trying to restore marriage approach'

Ok, HF, here is my take until the vets chime in. I don't know NZ (or for that matter UK or Aus employment law). I don't know if it matters. Whatever weapon at your disposal, use it. I didn't have such a weapon. If I had, I would have used it.

ALL waywards downplay when the affair started. It is what they do best. Evidence, especially in your sitch, casts doubt. I mean, who leaves a loving wife one day to move into an affair the next? Don't doubt yourself or your evidence. It is strong. I worried too much about this sort of stuff, and now the truth is coming out, I wish I'd had more faith in what I KNEW.

If I was in your shoes now, I would be using the word "were" a lot in Brits Brat letter. Past investigations into company conduct may be conducted.

I'm not sure, is either WH or OW still employed by the company? Refresh our memories.

Past misconduct investigations can still take place in some situations. The employer has rights to recall phone and email records. There would likely be plenty of evidence there. Any scrutiny on the affair puts pressure on it.

BH - I will listen to the radio links posted. Thanks

Note to everyone, I actually found the basic part of this workplace letter on another thread and added to it. I copied it in my notes. I can't remember the stich but the theory behind it was to appear loving.

Yes they are both still employed by the company. I didn't think of amending letter to "were". My only evidence is the truth and hopefully this will eventually come out. I suppose when your evidence is knowledge rather than concrete you don't have the same faith in others doing the right thing, particularly when WH & OW having been living together for some time. Actually I just thought of ML comment, my evidence is he left the marriage and is living with skanyhola ... I like that name

I did consider adding to the letter "In my desire to protect my husband and family by keeping quiet about the affair I have sadly learned that I have enabled the affair" I thought this may explain why I was exposing now given they have been living together for as long as they have and to reinforce the loving/trying to save my marriage approach.

I look forward to hearing the vets opinion.

Like that idea!

ok, here's my bit about more "meat." i think you need to add dates to the start of the A w/OW. yes, you are coming across as loving, not scorned, and i understand what you're worried about here. however, the fact that WH is living w/OW is less a point than the fact that they stated in the workplace. you really need to point out the A started xx, he moved in w/her xx. it shows WH as impulsive and not trustworthy. if he's not trustworthy in his personal life, how trustworthy is he at work? it plants the seed of doubt behind whatever HE has told them. the point of the letter is to clarify. it's your one opportunity to get the other side out.

ps: it WAS a tui!

Perfect advice! Employers hate to employ adulterers because they are unreliable and are the worst kind of loose cannons.

thanks ML - i am honored at your praise! off now to pass some of that great feeling off to my students.

repost your letter happy. i'll check back later too.

Thanks for confirmation.

Thanks, didn't think about including dates, would add weight to exposure. Problems with internet my reply didn't post

Amended letter to WH & OW work including suggestions.

To Whom It May Concern:

It grieves me to write this letter but I feel that it needs to be brought to your attention.

WH and OW commenced an extramarital affair in October last year that took place, primarily, in the workplace. I sadly discovered the affair on 26.11.11 and on 28.11.11 WH left our marriage to pursue the affair with OW and is now living with her.

In my desire to protect my husband and family by keeping quiet about the affair, I have sadly learned that I have enabled their affair.

I love WH and I am committed to doing whatever it takes to repair our 20yr marriage and making it better than ever. I want to restore our marriage and rebuild the happy family that existed prior to the affair.

I would appreciate any advice you might have.

Kind regards, HF

Note - I'm not certain A started in Oct. WH stated "they got together" after he left note (19.11.11)re moving out. WH told DD16 they had been together 2 mths ie Oct. ML advice PA would be reason for leaving etc. Thought I'd go with Oct as commencement date.

Problems with IM. Just received word IM not able to go ahead as they will find it too hard not to pass on info. Better to know now rather than have problems in Plan B.

Just wondering if there is anyone in MB Land that would be willing to act as IM.