Do something for you every day.

What are your goals?

How do you see your life changing?

What is your bucket list?

You can't wait for your life to change.

You can't wait to feel differently.

You have to do it. When you don't feel like doing it.

Feelings follow actions.

I would not change much in my life now. It's been pretty good.
I am well at work, busy with kids, busy with my interests, taking care of myself.

I do feel I am working on a personal recovery and doing the things I should be doing now (with all the support and help from you all).

I even bought a turquoise gliter nail polish for the summer...

But I feel I am getting to the point where I want things to be clear. I am not looking to dating or any of that, but I do not like to be married and not have my husband next to me.

I thought he could come back after 2 weeks, I thought he would try to come back after a while. If he is not trying to come back, not even in his horizon, I feel I need to (at some point) let go...

I don't think my plan B will be a long one.

I think your main problem is you're triggered by your mail. You'll be surprised how much better you feel when you eliminate triggers. Do you have many others? Pictures, momentos, gifts from him etc? I don't even read my WHs horoscope because it triggered thoughts about him.

Do you have any methods for eliminating thoughts of him? Scotty put money in a jar each time. I snapped an elastic on my wrist. You dont let people live in your head rent free when they are doing nothing to earn their keep there.



Well of course you wouldn't date, that would be wayward. And the position you are in is unpleasant, that's a given - though having your husband next to you would be much worse, given that he's wayward.

However the goal of Plan B is to neutralize his love bank. This will lessen your pain and it will also make your bar for recovery go sky high. If he should come back, you'll insist on a gold standard, because you won't care enough to cave in, and those gold standard actions from him will unfreeze your lovebank. If not, a divorce won't hurt.



Well plan B was never for him it was always for you and you alone. Take advantage of the healing it offers. You aren't ready to file for a D while you still feel so in love with him. Take proper time to heal and really work on healing. Its not about him!

You haven't been Plan Bing very long. It will take time.

Out of interest, what do you mean when you say your Plan B won't be very long? I intend on making mine permanent - after the divorce and even after I remarry, I will keep full NC in place.

Do you mean that you will resume contact or just that you will file for a D?

Glad to hear your life is satisfying, it prob is just a question of triggers.

You are right, knowing so much about his plans triggered me in a big way and is affecting my thinking and peace of mind.

Hopefully it will be better by tomorrow.

I have other things around the house that remind me of him, but they are so part of the background that I do not pay attention any more (family pictures, paintings he bought). Mostly, any indirect contact/ trigger happens because of kids (when he calls, when he is outside waiting for them). I've been careful to be in another room, busy, during these situations and that helps also.

As for Plan B, I do not intend to stop it even if/after D. It is a great protection and I do not want to be entagled in his wayward drama.

I was just thinking about filing for D, but I understand what you say. Thanks for taking the time and energy, Indie. Much appreciated!

Estrela, sorry I was MIA. Internet acting up.

You got some excellent advice from Neak, MB, and Indie. I am super glad that you were able to have them help you through this.

I understand what you mean about the waiting, but they are right, you're not waiting.

I hear impatience in your posts. You need to understand that recovery is a MARATHON not a sprint(pretty certain MB used to remind me of that fact on MY thread from time to time). You want to get healed, either way, and you want to do it soon.

Most BW's enter PLan B in the hopes that their WH's will wake up and come home. It's not why PB exists, but it is completely NORMAL to do it, at first, and then, as time goes by, you start to look at your sitch and re-evaluate. That is where I think you are heading now. Trust me, one day, you will look back and see how far removed you are, how much your life has changed, and you will be amazed. That's what's been happening around here lately. The things I changed didn't seem like big things, because they weren't, but seeing them as a whole, they made a bigger picture.

Now, NO MORE BREAKING PLAN B. Also, get rid of his mailing things to your home. And, remove whatever triggers you, either good or bad. I removed all pictures of my WH from my walls, etc. Take your memories and pack them away. I did let the boys have the family portrait in their bedroom, where I can't see it, because WH is their father. There will be enough cracks in PB with young children, you don't need to add to it.

You'll get there. You are doing the right things. It takes TIME. Keep it up.

Hi Scotty,

It was great advice, taking the focus out of WH and back to myself and Plan B!

I have plenty of pictures of us together (when we met, wedding, trips) around the house. I thought they were not triggering me, but I will clean them up anyway...

What about the wedding band?
I used it on and off in the last 2 months.
Now, I am going to visit my family and not sure which message to send. Some of my uncles and aunts might not know what's going on, I am not sure what my mom told them.

One of my uncles died this weekend. I went to visit my aunt (his sister) that lives here in the US, and I was not wearing the band. I could see the visitors looking at my bare hand when I was introduced and my aunt was telling about my kids, etc. It was kind of awkward.

Today my negihbor came to pick up something and asked if WH was traveling. I told her what was going on, and she started crying. I got emotional also and I am still fighting it. Hopefully work will take my mind off things...

I personally think a Plan Bers wedding band is their most powerful trigger. It was placed on your hand at the most romantic moment of your life! Its an amulet designed to trigger love every day.

I think its so powerful that some Plan Bers genuinely need to take their time in taking it off. Kind of like getting rid of the clothes of someone whose died...a big step you have to prepare for.

I personally took my engagement and wedding rings off on Dday. I wasn't sure though. I just felt like my hand was on fire. I was both repulsed by, and ached to wear my rings. Like my feelings for WH I suppose.

I was sat with my mother and I said 'What do I do? Even if I put them in a drawer Ill feel them through the wood'. So she took them off me and hasn't told me where she keeps them. That was good, like she took away a grenade.

Scotty wears her own ring on that finger, bought as a treat. Her own ring of power. She is still a married woman, proud of the vows she made and entitled to that symbol. It also helps with her boundaries. I go barehanded, which is just a personal choice, other rings don't feel right and I feel fine explaining my separation to others. People care and I appreciate the support.

It took me about 6 months in Plan B before I took the ring off. I have both mine and my WH's wedding bands. I have them put away.

My best advice is to take it off when you feel ready to take it off. You don't want to yo-yo it.

As Indie said, I am still a married woman. I had a promise ring on that finger on my 17th birthday, then it was replaced with my engagement ring, which was then replaced by my wedding band. When I took off the wedding band, it felt weird to have nothing on it. That's why I bought myself a family ring. It is a ring I LOVE. 2 heart shapes with my boys' birth stones, and their names engraved on it. It is a good replacement.

It's a good step in Plan B when you start to look around to see where you can improve your triggers. That is some GREAT PB work. Good on ya.

Funny, I had the same urge to take the ring off on DDay, and the band off when I saw WH was still in active A (then I noticed he had taken off his band).

I do not like the idea that people think that I am available but a lot of married people do not wear bands and at my age, I do not think people pay too much attention...

I am having one of these days. Today I came earlier from work to pack. I finished the kids suitcase. It is so sad to be getting ready to go without WH. Passover is such a big family holiday, we always spend it together. I feel for the boys. Hopefully once we get there, the warmth of my family will overtook the lack of WH.

I dread thinking that people will look at me with pity. Not my close family, but cousins, friends of my SIL that will come for dinner. I will just look fabulous so no one will feel bad for me.

I feel like I am mourning WH again.

You are mourning your marriage. It does get easier.

It used to be gut wrenching for me to see couples. It tore a hole into my heart. Now, as I type this, I realized that it doesn't affect me the same way anymore. Weird.

I do still have the moments when I see couples walking with young children, or just dads and kids and I miss seeing that with my WH. But, it was HIS choice.

You'll do fine. Keep it up.

True! You're reaching the 'pay off' junction which follows the pain....



Yeah, you have to mourn them from every angle dont you...

People will think you're amazing for having the ability to stand upright and put your clothes on the right way! A lot (40 per cent) of people have told me it is their worst nightmare and they dont think they could survive that kind of pain. I tell them the pain is MUCH worse than they can even imagine, but that you do survive it! And then never fear anything again.

The other (60 per cent) have experienced it. It is VERY common and people sweep it under the rug. Once people saw I was ok with talking about it, it led to a flood of confidences from people I thought were blissfully happy. Alas, most were in crippled marriages not really recovering from the affair.

You are not the only one!

A very true and sad fact.

t/j, Indie, I'm off to bed, whatcha doing awake still huh?

end t/j

I was wondering whether to talk about this on my thread - so I think I will.....

Happy Easter! Happy Passover!
Hope everyone have a great holiday. I will be away for a while, so wanted to thank you all for the incredible support!!!

Indie - my advice is no coffee after 12pm and melatonin can help (if you do not feel groggy afterwards)

Thanks sugar! You do speak sense..

Coming back from vacation and trying to catch up with work and MB threads.

Vacation was great. It was a Plan B ++ with no pick-ups and drop-offs, no phone calls (he called twice to talk to the kids, but I was not at my mom's house when it happened).

It did me great good, and I felt stronger and loved by friends and family. Everyone said I looked so good and strong, and I kept praising MB for all it's done to me.

As I came back, there were 2 postcards for the kids from WH (he went to NZ with POSOW). They are in the trash now.

He was dropping the kids on Thursday and saw that my baby-sitter was his daughter (my stepdaughter). I think because of this he felt he could come inside the house to chat and help DS9 with homework. When I arrived, he heard the garage opening and left. Huge intrusion. Another hole to be closed.

Amen

I was wondering about you last night. Thank you for the update.

I'm really super glad that you had a great trip.

That hole in your PB needs to be blocked up real tight. I can't even imagine what I would do if I found out that my WH had come into my home. SHUDDER.

Yes, it was an unexpected intrusion and invasion of my privacy.

Today is so quiet. Kids are with WH until 4pm, then we will need to do homework and get ready for tomorrow...

I've been getting much more done, and seem to have much more time now. Was not expecting this. Hope I do not get used to it

Ok, here it goes...
Monday, WH wanted to talk.
I went to lawyers' office that morning, so thought it was ok to meet, and tell him about my plans to D.
WH said he wanted to come home. I said no.
He came to talk to me again on Wednesday. He said I was the love of his life and that he wants to work on the M. I said no. I called SH and he told me not to talk to WH again, until NC is confirmed. He also told me to have WH talk to him first.
So today WH came to talk again. I then did as SH told me. WH said he wants to do whatever it takes to recover.
I am so scared, of even the idea of being with him again.
At the same time, I feel an obligation to give him a chance, if he really is willing to do what it takes. But the fear is talking much louder than any obligation or hope I feel for my M.