If you want to save your marriage I strongly encourage you to read the book "Lovebusters". Often times when one is in a relationship with a renter, many many bad habits develop, i.e. lovebusters.

As time continues the lovebusters get worse because most renter relationships thrive on thoughtlessness and independent behavior. One can start to grasp at straws to make the relationship work.

If you are not ready for Plan B, then please do not enter. Your WH seems to have some master manipulation in him. He needs to see a serious side of you, and that will be "No Contact" with him. Don't let him see you waffle. He will seize upon this and it will be disastrous to your personal healing.

I have read Love busters and I've been able to eliminate them on my part but WH still has an issue.
I am planning on going into Plan B and I feel that I will be ready in the next few days. I need to protect myself. I can't take anymore of the begging, sweet words and empty promises.

I would see what Dr H makes of the email (I thought it was lousy), prepare for Plan B (separate finances and phone, change contact details and get legal advice) and prepare to mail your handwritten plan B letter.

If you'd like, alert the mods and tell them you wish to exchange email addresses with me.

Got a call from my uncle today, left a message on my VM.

I figure my WH must have spoken with him because they are close. My uncle is a former wayward and tried to leave my aunt but then "reconciled" with her, not sure exactly how they did this but I suspect it involved a lot of empty promises. She is very sweet and would have done anything to get him back. He's an alcoholic and has been pretty rotten to my aunt in the past.

I really don't want to talk to him because I feel good today and I don't want more pressure/guilt trip to "just let things go." I'm sure WH called him and told him the new developments -- cancelling my trip -- and now is enlisting others to convince me to forget the polygraph.

I think I'll ignore this call and talk to my uncle in a few days or weeks. I've never liked him much anyway -- he's very selfish and manipulative due to his drinking problem.

How do I alert the mods for the emails? Is it "Notify"?

Should I speak with a lawyer before going into Plan B or after? Perhaps I should speak with the lawyer about our joint bank account.

I've created a new email address and I think changing my phone number will be easy. I also need to go to the bank about the financial stuff.

As for the phone bill, I wonder if I should give him a timeline, ie "Your phone line will be disconnected by xx date" because the bill is already paid for this month and that will give him time to make other arrangements.

Plan B is great for personal recovery. It is a time to reflect on yourself and your side of the fence. It is the opportunity to transform into a healed version of self.

Often one can get caught up into a world of negative lovebusters because you have been doing them so long in a renter relationship. Plan B can eradicate those bad habits developed, and make the healed version of yourself happier, healthier, and better equipped for any kind of relationship.

Oh completely ignore your uncle. If you don't respect him or his opinions, how can it possibly help? If he reaches you, just tell him you find it too painful to discuss.



Yes just click notify.

I think its never too soon to get legal advice.

As for giving him time to make arrangements, only do that if it doesn't affect your plan.

For example, will you be able to see who he's calling etc from inside your Plan B?

It will also help you resist calling him if you don't know his number.

Don't worry too much about his arrangements. That's his problem.

If the account will be active when you go into Plan B, have someone trusted check the account and change the password so you can't snoop.

Ech, I am now feeling the fallout from canceling my visit to see WH. MIL emailed me asking how I could leave her son and what on earth is going on between us. She sounds a bit hysterical and says things like "My only son is suffereing...blablabla...He loves you please give me your side of the story." Says maybe I'm just looking for an excuse to end the marriage because I don't love him anymore.
This is the woman who is dead against a polygraph (same excuses as WH) so I doubt she will understand but I think I will email her back to say that I've given WH clear instructions on how to keep me in the marriage after his infidelity and he has refused to complete all of them after being given 2 months to do so. Then maybe she will see I'm serious about the poly and encourage him to do it.
Thoughts?
Plan B is sounding nicer and nicer. I should Plan B MIL too.

Yes you should plan B her.

I'd send her your list of conditions and ask her to urge her son to be more enthusiastic about creating a good marriage. Say you would be delighted to stay with him if he would agree to stop his poor behaviour. She then has a week or two to stop being a problem, if she continues to harrass you, just Plan B her.

Done... now waiting for more fallout.

Ok now my Aunt called me. I think I may talk to her (the sweet wife of the alcoholic) but not so excited about this because I think she'll encourage me to stay with him. Who knows maybe she'll support me? I don't want to push everyone away. I do like her but disagree with her choice to stay married to my uncle.
In her message she said that WH called her, was really upset and said we were having marital problems.

Question about Plan B letter: I am sending it across the country, which will take approximately 2-3 business days. This will be hard to coordinate with everything else, such as taking him off the bank account, shutting off his phone, changing my phone number and email. I want it all to happen at the same time so he's not bewildered as to what is going on. Maybe I could email him the Plan B letter just before deleting my old email and also send the a copy of handwritten letter at the approximate right time.

I'm thinking that I will wrap up all PB preps on Tuesday and Wednesday and then send the PB email Thursday. That would mean I'd need to have the letter ready to send out tomorrow because it will get there Wednesday or Thursday. How does this timeline sound?

That sounds good. As long as when he gets the news you are unreachable.

I'm a big fan of a handwritten Plan B letter, but an email as a forerunner is fine so long as the hard copy is in the mail.

That's my opinion, anyway.

On all these people that are calling you can talk to them and say. " I love WH very much and will do anything to save my M. We have both did things to hurt our each other and I want the hurting to stop. I have conditions that WH refuses to meet and help our M. If you want to support me you will put pressure on WH to meet my conditions of complete transparency, poly and POJA. I will not budge on these conditions. If you aren't a friend of my M I will no longer talk to you."

Also Hoping on the poly since you cheated on him also, why don't you both take polys?

Need to wait to hear from Dr. Harley on the email.

Thinking of more financial arrangements:
WH took our car to Texas. I am paying for the insurance through our joint account, which will soon be just mine. Do I separate this out as well? It is technically our car but I'm going to let him have the car because it's with him in Texas and he needs it more than I do.

Any suggestions about my last few days of Plan A? After the tearful exchange last night I haven't heard anything from WH except by text and email. I think he doesn't want to talk to me because it was so unpleasant to hear me say that I'm not coming to see him on Tuesday. Should I send him an "I love you" text? I really don't want to talk to him over the phone at all, I am afraid of what he will say and I know he'll be upset.

You do the best darn Plan A possible from where you are, considering the circumstances.

Plan A also involves standing up for yourself which you have been doing.

I like a good old 'remember when' email or flirty text.

You could make him a photo album of your life together and email it to him.

Just talked to WH and it went ok. I feel that I'm being loving even if I haven't given in to him.

He posted this on FB:
Dolor! Dolor! Eterna vida mia!
Ser de mi ser, sin cuyo aliento muero!

Translations: Pain! Pain! My eternal life! Being of my being, without your nourishment I die!

I hate to see him suffering like this. If he's in so much pain, why doesn't he take the damn polygraph? What an insufferably stubborn man.

It's one big guilt-trip. Drama queen. Waaaaahmbulance.

Pay it no mind.