Hope, he's not suffering at all, he's trying to manipulate you, pure and simple. He thinks these cries of alas will be plenty enough to break you. He won't (and may never) take the polygraph because he doesn't for one second think that you have the resolve to see this through.

Hoping,

I know you're in pain but you need to be careful to not let your emotions control you.

Did you write Dr. Harley to ask him what he thinks of your WH's email? This should be your first step. Dr. Harely told you that he needs to correspond with your WH to let you know what your next step is.

Write the email.

And, by the way, I think you're doing one helluva job and showing a tremendous strength.

Prayers with you

Thanks TigerWes, the encouragement has an amazing effect on me.

BH: I will email Dr. Harley tonight and let you know.

Good job Hoping. You're doing a great job and we know the pain you're in. We are here for you.

I would give Dr. Harley a short summary of your situation and so he remembers and even tell him when you were a caller on 4-10-12.

I'm pulling for you Hoping.

Now WH is ANGRY.
WH just went off on a rant for the past 10 minutes about how I don't love him, I'm immature, there's something wrong with me, he's sick all these demands I'm making on him. Why would I not want him to buy a sale boat? Why would I throw my marriage away over a lie detector test and a sale boat? I obviously don't love him or I'd forget what happened and be with him and we'd "work things out."
Sigh. I'm pretty numb to these outbursts now, I just see right through them. Maybe he actually believes it and if so, I don't want to be with someone like that. So entitled and it's never his fault, always someone else's.

Hoping,
You're doing great, don't let him ruffle you, stick to your resolve. Hear it as BLAH BLAH BLAH...the only thing you need to hear from him is that he will do as you've said to save your marriage.

Nothing more than a temper tantrum that your typical 4 year old would throw when he's not getting his way.

Ignore it.

Mr. Machismo is trying to be Mr. Manipulator. If he was serious about saving your M he would do what you have asked.
Actons speak louder than words.

You ARE being very loving and considerate to this false drama queen.

You've given him a map to happiness and he complains of pain?

He complains of pain when he can't even be bothered removing his knife from your back? Spoilt little boy.



I agree. He sees Hoping as nothing more than a pretty little wind up toy who will dance to his tune if he makes it sweet enough.



Waaaaaahmbulace! I hate you toy! No good to me without your dancing to my tune!

Your good attitude and resolve are holding up admirably but you need Plan B as soon as you can get into a solid one. These ups and downs of his will eventually take their toll on you.

Having a down day today. Woke up depressed and worried. Probably because Plan B is drawing near and it may mean the end for us. Getting yelled at last night was not nice. I need to cut off a conversation like that as soon as I see it has turned into an AO.

What bothers me the most is that he sees my conditions as me threatening to divorce him if he doesn't do XYZ. Says it's wrong to require something like this, instead it should be a thoughtful request with the option to decline. He doesn't believe there I should require him to take a poly or agree to POJA with the alternative being separation or divorce.

Then this morning we had a nice conversation as I was walking to work. If I just keep him off the subject of our marriage, we have a pleasant exchange. BTW -- my parents house was robbed last night (I am living with them) and we didn't hear a thing! My dog didn't even bark. (WH says the dog is fired). The person took my parents' laptop and went through our drawers. In 30 years they never locked their doors and this was the first time anything has happened.

What like his desire for a boat, or to have affairs or move to Texas was presented to YOU as a thoughtful request? Where you given the option to decline?

No, no, no.

I dont blame you for being annoyed. He has the right to be considered but you dont?

He does see you as being unreasonable and demanding, but not because he is stupid or unseeing, it's he just believes women shouldn�t ask for anything. He knows full well there is a double standard in your marriage, where you are to accept his husbandly decisions like a good little girl, 'forget' the pain of past affairs and the danger of future affairs, and follow him wherever he may lead you.

Dr H was right about his moving to Texas being a test for you. If you follow, you are a 'good' wife who follows whatever conditions he sets.

I don�t think you would be happy that way, would you?

And it may not be too late for him. If he hits rock bottom in Plan B, he may decide having his own way isn�t the dream he thinks it is. If he's deadset on this lifestyle though, you won't have lost anything but a miserable drudge of a life, where you will eventually get dumped once he gets bored.

And a break in on top of everything! You need a treat.

Thanks, you always put things in perspective when I have been manipulated into thinking "I can save this marriage if I just..."

Feels bad though, especially with the good conversation this morning and still missing him.

The withdrawal will be difficult but I'm trying to see it as a painful jolt out of this nightmare.

Appointment with an attorney on Wednesday. I will ask about our joint bank account and tell her about Plan B. Any other questions I should ask at the initial consult?

Ask her if you need to divorce to protect yourself finacially or if you can do it by separation agreement or some other means.

If she counsels filing for divorce, tell her you arent ready for a divorce to be finalised and if it is possible for you to spin it out over a long period of time.

I'm sorry to hear about the break in...is it possible it's someone you know, since the dog didn't bark? I had a break in once and my dog slept through the whole thing, but she was extra tired...the NEIGHBOR'S dog woke them up and they alerted us!

I agree, I think you need to get into plan B right away. Protect your finances...you need separate bank accounts. He can still deposit to your account, but shouldn't be able to view it or write checks on it.

I think the dog was asleep and didn't hear anything because he even barks at us when we first enter the house! I'm calling the bank tomorrow about the accounts and try to get him taken off as a jointer on my account.

It's both good and bad that I now have 9 days without working since cancelling my trip to see WH.

On the one hand, I can get my ducks in a row to prep for Plan B and have some free time during the first stage of withdrawal. Being at work would be hard during withdrawal.

On the other hand I like the distraction factor of having to go to work. I'm a busy body and 9 days off is quite a bit! I will need some things to do. I am thinking of taking a road trip but WH has our car in Texas. I may borrow my parents' car for this or recruit a friend.

I will most definitely be biking, running, doing zumba, hiking and walking my dog most of this time. Also am thinking about getting a massage, manicure/pedicure, reading and spending lots of time with friends.

Other ideas to distract myself? I tend to do worse when at loose ends and thinking about my marriage too much.

If you like Zumba, I recommend the Wii version. However I didnt excersize at all during withdrawal or for weeks afterward... it knocked me flat! Be proud simply to get through it without breaking NC.

I would line up easy laid back stuff for now. Lunches, etc, time with people you can be yourself with.

Ech, there is a $255 termination fee for taking WH's line off of our family plan. I wonder if I could transfer him to an individual plan so we wouldn't have the termination fee. Of course, I don't think they would let me do this without his consent.