I am even more concerned about the affects it will have on YOU. You will see that he called and be triggered. You can say that it doesn't affect you, but I am sure it does. You get a little "hit" knowing that he is still trying to contact you. I bet a small part of you is looking forward to seeing him call/text. Think about that for a moment. And think honestly to how you will feel when he stops. There's your answer.

Yup, you don't want to know that he started trying to bust through, and you sure don't want to know when he gives up. You will feel like giving up, too, even though it has no more predictive value toward your outcome than the tides on Mars.

WHiP, Scotty and Neak are so right about this.

I know I wanted to see if WH tried to contact me. I didn't want to know what he said after the initial fogbabble, but I wanted to know if he TRIED.

I only just changed my email addy as I kept wandering if he would ever try to contact. After the upset it caused me, just knowing he tried and how tied up in knots that made me, I realised it isn't worth it.

Waywards all try contact in some way, shape or form, some sooner and others, but eventually, in foggy entitled affairland, they all do try.

Its up to us to never know of the contact. And certainly not to wait for the contact.

In Plan B we get better things to do, like admire our toenails.

Scotty, Neak & Caracal thanks for the input. I know you've been at this longer than I and I trust you. I've never met you, but I know I trust you. I'll look in to what I'd need to do to change my #, so that I can jump right into it should it become necessary. But for now the blocking app works for me.


In all honesty, and I mean this, I do not look forward to seeing that he attempted a call or text. I really don't. I couldn't care less at this point. It annoys me. And in my opinion, it shows what a stupid and weak man he is. BIG TURNOFF for me. Blegck!!

He can "try" all he wants. Talk to friends, call my phone, email from another address, hire a skywriter - I don't care! Until he wants to take action on the conditions I spelled out for him in the PBL nothing moves me. It's all lies and fogbabble and I'm finally wise & strong enough to understand that. (Thanks to all you MB friends!)
I just turned 30 in February. Perhaps it's wrong, unforgiving and ungodly of me, but I'm too young to Plan B for years. Perhaps not even one year. I've only got this one life and I hate to see it go to waste waiting for him to come out of his fog and then spending years trying to sort back through all the lies he's told and regain trust. Oh, I want my marriage to recover! But I also want to win the lottery and see a bridge built to Hawaii (I'm scared to fly - LOL!). Both of those are more likely to happen right now.

Caracal your signature has been my mantra. "Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is." Pastor was a wonderful husband. I bragged on him and how he loved me all the time. We were that "perfect couple." But something dark got ahold of him. And the man Pastor is now, is a man I don't want to be near and really don't want me children to be around any more than they have to. Yes, he had an affair and that's terrible and hurtful. But I wouldn't be surprised if he's already ended that. The POSOW really is a POS. Not minister's wife material at all. And absolutely incapable of consistently meeting ENs of another person. What's worse, and harded to move past, is the blatant lying and deceiving he is STILL PRACTICING to justify or minimize his actions. I'm finding out so much more he's lied to people about. Not just having to do with our marriage - but his job resume', how he handled situations at the church he was pastoring, things he told people to get them to stop speaking to each other (b/c he was lying to manipulate situations) it's sickening. I could live with a recovered WS. I can't live the rest of my life with an unrepentant liar. He has some real personal problems that our marriage problems are secondary to. I have absolute faith in God that he CAN turn Pastor around, but my faith in Pastor to WANT to turn around - Zilch. His pride means too much to him. He can't and won't ever come clean on everything he's done. Not if it costs him his pride and how *he thinks* people see him. And for that reason it's best for me to move into Plan D sooner rather than later. We moved to a new state and have to be residents here for 90 days before even filing so I'm doing some homework until then.
This site and all of you on this forum have helped give me strength to do this. Thank you so much for all the insight & replies on this thread that have gotten me this far. I sincerely appreciate each one of you!

WHi,
I am a FWH, a Christian, and quickly approaching a mile stone in recovery with my DW.

Had I read something like your situation years ago, I would have severely slammed the man involved verbally and judged him from my self righteous high horse. I would have called him pond scum and said "how dare he!?"

Now having gone down my own highway of spiral degredation, I have realized that even I, a self proclaimed Christian, can fall. Like your WH, the fog I found myself in was like walking in a web of deceit. The stroll I was taking did not allow me to deal in truth. I failed to look at the big picture and consequences of my sin. When and if the truth buzzes your WH's head like a 100 M.P.H. 2X4 he will be broken and repentant.

It wasn't until I was "caught" messing up yet again, that I became broken. The reality of my waywardness hit home and God began to restore my heart, my mind, my soul, and my marriage.

I write to you to say "Stay in the fight!" I know from personal experience the grip of evil your WH finds himself in can only be loosened by the Almighty One. But I also know your WH needs to have the desire to repent.

I believe great awakenings can only occur when brokenness is experienced. Then and only then can one see the true miracle of Christ Crucified and we learn that we no longer live but He resides in us and awards us an opporntunity for redemption.

My DW and I are a true testimony to the fact that God is still in the business of restoring marriages even when all seems lost. As you continue in Plan B, may I encourage you to be strong and courageous. 'Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go'. And I pray one day you and your WH will have a testimony that will shake the foundations of hell and nothing will stop what God has in store for you.
God Bless
Nit2winher

You are describing negative effects; the purpose of Plan B is to prevent you from experiencing these negative effects. Plan B is to protect you from this.

And you think you feel that way now, but it can change. Protect yourself, change your number.

I felt just like you going into Plan B, angry and not caring if he called.

But even if your reaction to his calls is annoyance or anger - the goal of Plan B is utter darkness, with NO annoyance or anger. Just peace.

I also said I wouldn't Plan B for years, just six months and its been a year. You'll see that six months is not very long. But its a perectly fine timeline if you want to start with that then reevaluate.

I like that you're tough on WH but the focus has to be entirely on you and getting you some peace

Indie, I've been reading your thread along with a few others - made it to about page 45. Something Scotland posted aroung page 40 or so got me thinking...

.

My answer was the same as yours. Today? I'd tell him to go suck an egg. Two days from now? I may run into his arms!

UGH! I just want this roller coaster to end. I want this betrayal to stop consuming my life and my thoughts. I'll keep reading (your thread and others) but those of you who have done or are doing Plan B - how do you keep it up? How does it make you better? Sorry to vent I'm just so tired of it all.

BTW,
Toenails = Bubblegum pink
Fingernails = Mellow Yellow

Reminds me of pink lemonade & summertime. Yum!

You're not even through withdrawal yet silly!

How do you do it? You crash, hard. Early on in your plan. Then everything is better after that.

Like crawling to a hill top. Everything after that point is like running down hill. Easy peasy.

Your love for him is like a drug and right now you're doing cold turkey. You're still in the hangover stage 'I'll never drink again' cause youre angry, but when you start to get the shakes, you'll want him.

But if you hang on, he's out of your system. Easy.

For me the worst part was about three weeks. But reports differ.

It involves doing nothing but suffering for a bit and taking great care of yourself.

You are going to be fine.

All you can do is keep taking your focus of your thoughts to things you CAN control.
Keep busy with activities, adventures, social growth as a person. Take your focus off of what your WH is doing, might do, has done.

If you ever have the circumstance of him being up to rebuild with you.......deal with the situation then. Have ideas about how to rebuild but don't let yourself stew about it at this juncture.

You don't need to be constantly ruminating about the nightmare.
Plan B is for learning to refocus on life. Your life. You.

Whew! Hard to do right now. The list goes on and on and on...
Two small children between us makes this even more difficult. I am trying. Must. Try. Harder!

Wonderful words! I keep telling myself "Plan B is about Me!" but he's been such a big part of ME! Being a pastor's wife, SAHM, traveling together - everything about me was linked to him. Even now, every penny I spend was earned by him b/c I'm a SAHM. That's been a alot to cut off. I suppose it is for anyone who's been betrayed. Even thinking about doing things for ME during Plan B I wonder "what if I become so independent that WH is turned off by it?" Which is quickly followed by "WHO CARES what WH thinks?! I don't want anything to do wtih him for the rest of my life!" I'm a basket-case aren't I? Somebody needs to shake me!

WARNING: I may have a completely new, strong and wise outlook on this tomorrow. Today' - notsomuch.

Have you read my thread at all? I recently posted about how I still find myself, 2.5 YEARS into Plan B, sometimes dividing things into 4 or getting 4 plates out of the cupboard. Mostly times when I am not actually thinking about it. It takes TIME.

Awesome on the nails.....sounds like fun!

Hi Whisp, I've been reading your thread. I too am in Plan B .. day 9. Its not easy to refocus, it takes time. We all go through moments thinking of our waywards. Hang in there and stay strong.

I suppose while in Plan B its out of the question to have my IM send Pastor an email expressing how much I hate him, huh?
I've been encouraged to vent here, so here I go...
DS5 left with WH and the whole screwed up family for FL on Friday. He wont be back until late Friday night. I've talked to DS *maybe* a total of 7 minutes since he left. My heart is breaking!!! I'm a SAHM to him & DD. We're together all the time! Everytime I've talked to him he acts like he wants off the phone, which isn't like him. Normally he'll chat & tell me what he's been up to. Tonight he talked for barely 2 minutes. TWO MINUTES!!! As if this roller coaster ride in my marriage wasn't enough! How do you moms deal with this stuff??? I hate it. I just want to crawl in a whole and sleep until DS gets home. :'(

Here is how you deal with it.

Say to yourself "I will be with my child soon. Meanwhile, I will have 'quality time alone with DD. How lovely." and if both kids are away you say "Quality time alone. How lovely."

After you say it out loud........ you can re-frame it.


BTW....you are a good Mom. Just be even more grateful when you are with them!

Try not to read into the situation that it is tough on your 5 year old. Let him, when he comes home, lead the conversation and be supportive of how he is handling things. Be there for him to share but don't anticipate issues.

Hello,

As a minister it is so discouraging to read your story. It just serves to remind us that even ministers are still imperfect creatures. please don't take my statement as condoning his actions because I'm not.

On another note, I am one who has gone through what you're dealing with. I am now on month 11 of my plan B. Early, it was tough. But the days are not as difficult anymore. One thing that I will admit is the fact that I still love my ww. While legally she is my ex, in my heart AND in the eyes of God, she is still my wife.


With that said, even though I still love her, plan B has helped me get to the point where I understand the old saying that you must "love someone enough to let them go". I don't wonder about any aspect of her life anymore. It's not that don't care, its that I understand I can't control her.

As you continue in Plan B, you will experience a myriad of emotions. For me, I think things stabilized at about 3 months. There were some rough days after that point but they became fewer and fewer.

Just keep moving forward. Sooner or later you will look back and recognize how far you've come.

God bless!

Whip, I wouldn't read too much into the length of your convos with DS. He's 5 and 5 yr olds are easily distracted. He has no clue how mommy is hurting right now. In his 5 yr old mind, it's all about him. Just be upbeat and happy when you do hear from hiim. He'll be back before you know it and full of stories for mommy. Plan a little welcome home party for him.

So what nice thing are you doing for you today?