Caracal, thanks for your support. I agree OW would enjoy the drama and knowing she "got to me" would increase her behaviour. Its hard to sit back though when I want to end the damage she is doing to my family.... exposure to her family and friends should help. It will be good to get the truth out there and shatter the picture they are portraying.

As much as I will miss contact with WH, part of me has been looking forward to getting of the roller coaster. I still love him but I am tired of the drama and mind games. I know I need the space to heal and I would prefer to focus my energy on my children rather than his alien behaviour.

I'm hoping exposure will have a "grand effect" on them. I really want the truth out there and I think its about time
they were held accountable for their actions. Hopefully it will put a real dent in their fantasy and start setting the wheels in motion.

I agree about the decisions we have to make because of the alien behaviour. Even though I know he is a waynerd I still find it hard to reconcile the alien with my husband, they are two extremes. On the other side of the coin it is acknowledging he is an alien, understanding the pyschology or waywards, that helps protect my love for him, if that makes any sense. It doesn't lessent the pain they inflict but it helps come to terms with why they do it.

It hasn't been an easy journey, since he left I feel like I've lost something of myself, like half of me is missing if that makes sense. The house seems so empty and quiet at times.
It just seems such an unnecessary sacrifice we have all had to make for a fantasy that will crumble in time.

Happy, I know that you believe that your WH won't try to break PB. Whether he tries to or not, you shouldn't know.

Are all of your holes plugged up? Did you change your phone numbers? Email addresses? Are visitations being taken care of in such a way that you won't have any contact? Does your IM understand their job and what NOT to pass onto you?

Scotty, All holes plugged. Only exception is WH has telephone contact with children, but we have caller ID and I do not answer the phone during the time frame he calls the children. I've also started to leave the room when he calls to avoid hearing the conversation.

My IM is Letty and apart from knowing the drill she has already warned me she won't pass anything on.

I understand I shouldn't know if he makes contact and I really don't know if he will ... just a feeling based on his anger and threat when I prevented him using our assets to finance their affair.

I know its best to be shielded from the exposure fallout but part of me will be curious as to whether it has a positive impact. This is possibly where he would break contact because he will be angry yet again.

Hf, it is ok for Letty to let you know if he contacts her and it isn't something that can be passed on. I am an IM for someone and I will just tell her that XX sent an email and it is full of fogbabble. Then she knows something came but knows it is just fogbabble.

Also, Letty, if you have any questions or concerns, please email the moderators and ask them for my email address. I would be glad to help.

HD, you have to go check out these videos, you will get such a kick out of them http://soulmateshmoopies.wordpress.com/

thank you ML! i will!

chin up happy! what are you doing for yourself today?

Thanks ML. I appreciate your offer to help Letty with her IM role ... I'm in good hands with both of you "in my corner" Its gestures like this and everyons encouraging/supportive comments that really help you get through this ... even though it brings a tear or two.

I liked the video clips ... its good to have laugh, your post came at just the right momement. Loved the "OW is good step mum,structure one" ... the script was written for OW, she has no kids but has 4 cats, so she must be an expert on raising children
LOL

Hanging in there Letty, even the sun is trying to shine and there is no blue sky.

I sent the morning in DD6 class room helping with a reading programme and playing literacy games. That was fun, I really enjoy working with this age group, I came away feeling good and with a smile on my face.

I have a Home & School meeting tonight for DD6 school to organise a family gala day. Really nice group of ladies so it should be fun.

it's wonderful that you're keeping busy. but what did you do for YOU today? sit down w/a hot cuppa and read for a bit? visit a friend? something that makes YOU feel good for YOU.

we've gotten our first taste of winter today. bloody freezing! i've come straight home, put on my woolly man's pajama bottoms & socks, added another layer of merino, and i'm baking cookies :O)

Happy, I know when I entered Plan B I LONGED for my WH to try to contact me. I KNEW he wouldn't and posted about it on my thread. WH and I were continents apart. When he received my emailed PBL he immediately replied with an email. I didn't take that as contact at the time. It was WH just venting, I didn't see it as cake eating.

Now, about eight months into Plan B, the only means of contact my WH has with me is email. Since that initial Plan B crack, he has emailed me another three times. Not a lot, but enough to show that even a WH continents apart will try to maintain control over the BW. I have only just changed my email. Don't repeat my mistakes. It really is better not to know when the WS contacts, and just know that they all follow the same script.

I understand being curious, you want to know if the grenade you launched at the affair has made a direct hit. However, in Plan B, you do not need to know. IMO, exposure is always successful. It is just the time it takes to kill the affair that varies.

Happy, all you need to know is if WH has met your PBL conditions. After all, whether he is angry or not is no longer your concern. It is for OW to deal with. Let them lovebust each other. Let them fester. Block any avenue he has to lovebust to you. Let him turn it on her.

Keep hanging in there!

Already a crack in Plan B. I have an new email created recently for privacy rather than using joint email a/c. I used this for correspondence with my lawyer, bank, real estate agent etc. Didn't give email address to WH but realised too late he would have learned of this address from agent's email sent to both of on our separate email a/cs.

I'll give myself a On autopilot I opened the email without thinking. I didn't expect contact and I wasn't sure how he'd react to letter. I don't know what to make of his response. Is it wayward babble or time to accept there is no hope of reconciliation.

BW

Thanks for your letter.

I need to provide you with some clarity to allow you closure and a chance to move on.

I do not love you and have not loved nor liked you for over 15 years. Out of duty, I stayed with you for the children's sake. That was a poor decision on my part. I love my children.

OW aside, I was going to leave you. What you need to understand is that I have met my life partner, the woman I love and want to be with. I understand that this may hurt you, but I have no intention of returning to you nor working on our marriage as I do not love you.

WH

I don't know if the 15yr reference is wayward babble, our history paints a different picture. If he really felt ths way for this length of time, the decisions we have made and what we have done in our lives during this time doesn't make sense. During the last 15 yrs the key events have been a holiday in NZ (best family holiday) and catalyst for relocating to NZ for family and lifestyle. WH started new job Dec 10 in another city and in Apr 11 we relocated to be a full time family. If he really no longer loved or even liked me, why would he relocate our family when he had the ideal arrangement ... living in an apartment Mon-Thurs and flying home each weekend. Why take on a huge loan (100% finance) to move me & the children. I read an article advising BS to trust their memories and don't doubt your marriage or history, but this email has left me uncertain.

This is the first time he has stated that he hasn't loved or liked me for over 15yrs. During this time his actions and words have indicated otherwise. He used to tell me he loved me. Surely I would have noticed if my husband didn't like me, even if I was blind I would have thought family would have picked up on this .... they were all shocked by our separation, thought we had a happy marriage. If I was correct suspecting affair without evidence and who OW was, surely I would have noticed he didn't love and/or like me for 15yrs.

This email is different to what he said in the first 2 weeks when I thought he was having a MLC and didn't know of the affair. He told me a high blood pressure test was the reason he reflected and came to the realisation that he'd rolled over for me during marriage (truth - made decisions together)
resulting in him losing his identity, became unfit and that we no longer had nothing in common and had grown apart. I believed this was wayward re writing of history.

If he stayed for 15 yrs out of duty for the children why didn't he consider this for our DS6. There was no indication he was considered leaving until the week before he moved in with OW.

His statement re meeting "his life partner, the woman he loves and wants to be with" sounds like wayward babble.

His email is so cold. I'm shattered. I don't know whether it is wayward babble, reaction to my letter, another attempt to hurt me or a reality check

I know I was foolish to read the email. I've given myself a 2 x 4. I would appreciate your opinions and comments about his response.

Yes it's all wayward babble and the rewriting of history is very common.

They try to rewrite history and so you'll make yourself crazy trying to figure them out.

You learned first hand why you need to stay dark in Plan B. Dr. Harley explains it like this, everytime you have contact it can take a day or longer to get better. It is for your own health.

Take care of yourself, because we don't want you getting sick.

Thanks BH, your right about learning from my mistake. I'm determined to continue standing for my marriage and family, but a small part of me wondered if this was realistic. I want to be honest about our chance of reconciliation, but I still have hope that it is possible. Regardless of the foggy babble, my memories tell me the marriage is worth fighting for. Regardless of the outcome I want to know I did my best and fought for what I believed in.

I suppose thats part of the roller coaster, not just the emotions but the times of doubt even when you know their behaviour is wayward.

Tomorrow is another day - exposure letters should be delivered (timed so delivery would be day after WH received his letter) and FB exposure PM will be posted. If today's Plan B letter to WH had an impact, tomorrows exposure should be grand! Timed everything so totally nuclear ... lets hope its devastating.

I'd really appreciate any further comments on my post 5.1.12 7am.

ML I know you can see through wayward b/s and give straight up advise, so I'd really appreciate your opinion/advice

Total fogbabble. The issue here is when they are in the addiction of adultery they create an automatic contrast effect. This effect is what fuels the brain chemicals because the relationship is all positive and your relationship (history and all) is all negative.


He says he hasn't loved you for 15 years because that was the last time he felt those HIGH romantic feelings. The last 15 years have only been caring love, and not romantic. He has the romantic currently with OW. He compares the two and concludes, "Nope don't love BW anymore because she doesn't give me this kind of high." Remember on average romantic love HIGHs last 2 years.

The goal is to go into Plan B and let OW lovebust and their adultery crumble like cake. In the meantime if you want to save your marriage then you may want to plan to hunker down for 2 years. It is up to you, but at this point this relationship wtih OW has to die naturally and that can take up to 2 years.

PI - I am willing to do what it takes to save my marriage. I'd read A can last 2yrs .... I hope I don't have to Plan B that long

Thanks for your comments, I believe its foggy but I'm really wanting to face this honestly. I believe others can give an honest assessment, its harder when your emotionally invested, I value your opinions.

When he speaks just remember it has the same weight as a drunk in a bar telling stories ... it is utter nonsense.

The reality is yes he doesn't love you romantically because he is addicted HIGH on the whore. This romantic love has his brain chemicals all messed up.

Underneath there are the feelings he had for you. Unfortunately his lovebank run over with the whore, and until she depletes the bank ... he won't remember his love for you.

If you want to save this marriage then while in Plan B become the wife he fell in love. Work on you. Fix your lovebusters, get the body he wants, work on any and all his emotional needs.

It may be 2 years it may not ... no one knows what will happen.

The best that can be done is take care of you in Plan B. Understand how his addiction will work, and just prepare yourself.

If you want to save this marriage then while in Plan B become the wife he fell in love. Work on you. Fix your lovebusters, get the body he wants, work on any and all his emotional needs.

It may be 2 years it may not ... no one knows what will happen.

The best that can be done is take care of you in Plan B. Understand how his addiction will work, and just prepare yourself.

PI can yo please explain what you mean by "work on any and all his emotional needs" in Plan B ... maybe the lack of sleep last night.

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I disagree with what PI has stated about how to act in PB. You don't make yourself into the wife that your WH wants. That would be going against what PB is all about. What you should do is become the person YOU want to be. You can look over your marriage, and see where you made mistakes, and learn from them. You can choose to be a better spouse in the future, whether it be to your WH(after he repents of course) or some new H.

Your Plan B could last 5 minutes, or life. It depends on when the A ends. In my case, my PB will last as long as my WH remains wayward. It's been 2.5 years already. And I am OKAY. I have followed PB, and MB, and have not only SURVIVED my WH's affair, but I have THRIVED.

You are making the right decision to PB. Just remember that it has NOTHING to do with your WH.

Losing weight for him, dying your hair the colour he likes, or wearing clothes he would like means NOTHING if you are NEVER going to see him again. That's why it's important to re-invent yourself into someone whom YOU want to be, because right now, that's who is most important. Your WH means nothing to you, as long as he stays wayward.

If he needs you to be a domestic goddess, then work to accomplish that while he is away.

If he wants you to look a certain way, then work on that as well.

If he needs you to bring in money, then look at that.

These are just examples because I don't know his ENs.

In my experience this is what I am doing in my Plan B.

I lost weight and then some. I am working to get the body he wants and asked me to have for years. Yes the sad reality is it took his adultery to get me motivated.

He also liked my money, so I went back to work and I bring in the money he wants.

He also wanted me better at domestic support, so I hired a cleaning lady and work to keep my house clean.

That being said ... some of this is for me as well. If my WH doesn't come back, then I may tweak some of this because frankly then I won't give a rats booty.

For now I am the wife he would want ... I am a great wife today. I study Lovebusters daily and really am trying to be the best wife possible.

The thing about Plan B is you also want your WH to come back and meet your EN's. I am finding the longer I am in it the tighter my EP's become for him. I only want him back if and only if he is truly remorseful and is willing to do what it takes for as long as it takes to heal me and our kids.

Granted I have little hope for my WH today. He is a bad, bad, very very bad wayward, and I am not saying that lightly.

The only way for him to come home is if he hits rock bottom and God is on his heart. Hence my only hope will be a dramatic miracle from God.