YEP!

If entered into quickly and correctly, as Dr. Harley recommends, it will also minimize the PTSD.

YEP!

That's the whole purpose of this forum..... "Surviving An Affair"..

I think you're making a wise choice.

Be Well!

I agree and no one would be more delighted than me to see it. But supporting the waywards is not the way to do it.


I am in a dark plan b where his name is banned but I would feel very lied to if I discovered my loved ones had secretly gone to the wedding of my WH. Just because I have asked them to not mention him, or any new marriage does not make it OK to support him secretly. Or support him at all. Going dark is not an excuse to be misled by your supporters.



Nonsense, her support for the waywards continues to this day. Mulan is hurt by it daily.

Supporting her brother should involve urging him to stand up to this wayward. Not helping him make bad choices.


Mulan has said she will be there for them no matter what. That's why it is safer to criticise her than it is to criticise a wayward who will dump you for speaking up.



I believe Mulan is asking for help with that. She has limited control over that because the PRESENT is filled with her loved ones supporting the waywards. The future, where he is cut out of her life, has not arrived yet.

This thread just breaks my heart.

I apologize Mulan.
You pain is so huge, I can't stand to read any further.
Prayers for Mulan's recovery.

May I suggest, you set a goal, and then work to make that goal happen.
Do not set an unattainable goal which relies on certain other people making the right decisions/actions, when experience has taught you that is unlikely.

But Indie, Cyndy is saying Mulan has NOT been there. So great is her grief, she has NOT been there. And according to Cyndy (who I imagine knows a lot more about what Mulan does day in and day out to take care of herself or NOT), Mulan suffers from anxiety attacks and depression that prevent her from being a strong presence in her children and grand children's lives.

And there will always be people who stay connected with the wayward. Mulan doesn't get to control that. No betrayed spouse can control that.

All of us, however, can control how we move forward though.

It's not just BS's raging.

I am not a BS or a WS, but I am a child (well, mom and wife, but child of the adulter) who recently went through the exact same thing.

My mom was the WS. My dad was the BS. I don't even like my dad or have contact with him. But I refuse to support my mother's marriage, be there for it, allow OM into my home. It has nothing to do with "taking sides" because honestly, I am close to my mother. But I will NOT permit or accept such behaviour in my home or around my children.

People's anger with Cyndy is not because she speaks to WS on the phone, it's because she stood by in support of the affairage.

Zibbles-

You sound like my spouse did when he was foggy.

All this talk of forward motion without healing- without considering that people aren't healing because other people are still ripping the scab off at every moment.

I never said move on without healing. For the love of God, focus on healing! But if you tell your kids to honor your plan b by NOT mentioning the wayward, then why are you mad that they didn't?

I'm not defending the fact that Cyndy went to the wedding or keeps in touch with the EX. I would be devastated if I were Mulan. Not trying to debate that. Just saying that we can't control others and sometimes we need to get moving with the healing...our healing.

Mulan says this new wife took her life.
MULAN! YOU STILL HAVE YOUR LIFE. Make it the best it can be, scars and call.

****EDIT****

***Complaints & criticisms go to the Moderators! DO NOT do it on the forums!!***
JustUss

I understand exactly what you are saying, Zibbles. I totally get it. That's why I said what I said.

Here are some radio clips where the WH's adult children will not talk to him because of his affair.
Radio clip
Segment #2
Segment #3

I have prayed for these two woman. Both of whom have been enormously hurt and are both struggling through the aftermath of an affair. It has saddened my heart to see a mother and daughters relationship strained because of the affair of the husband and father. i am not a vet and am unable to offer any suggestions for Mulan and Cyndy. I will continue to pray for you both.

It has taken me hours to read through all of this thread. I want to say, Mulan, I am sorry for the pain you and all of us have been through. It just goes to show what devastation is brought about through the selfishness of adultery.

Cindy, I acknowledge your pain too, this is a situation none of us wish our kids to be put through. Once you and your brother reach the point where you can tell your father what this has done to your entire family and can truly be sorry for what it's put your mom through, maybe then healing can begin. You and your brother have had years to process this, but your mother just found out about his affairage, so it's all very fresh to her. I hope you never have to experience what she's gone through.

Mulan, I'll pray for you, I know this is tough. I do hope you can find good in your future, hence my signature...