HHH-

I realize I am punchy because I am upset with my spouse right now.

What intersecting social circles are you seeing? The choir concerts? The informational meetings for kid activities that are mandatory? The grocery store?

we go to no parties where they are invited. We go nowhere on purpose where we know they will be. We have made it clear to the few common friends ( there are three, but she moved in on one of the husbands a few weeks ago, so I suppose it's down to 2) that exist that we do not wish to be invited anywhere they are. We do not seek them out.


I am resentful that you think, somehow, I have placed my social circle above my marriage. That is insulting. I have turned my life inside out to recover my marriage. Really- you have no idea.

I agree. My FWS makes very sound suggestions, most of the time.

In this situation- do you see me as swallowing my pride and being nice to a woman who was one of my closest friends as a sound suggestion?

Seriously. If you think he's right- please explain why. I would be interested in hearing how him asking me to be nice to a woman who betrayed me in two ways is a good idea.

I agree that a fws may be able to make sound suggestions despite all evidence and history to the contrary. This isn't one of those situations though.

RidicSit, it seems to me that you and your daughter are already dealing with the situation pretty well and that it is the proposed change that you "be nice" to this sleazy woman that is causing the issue. Is the current situation really messing the kids up so badly? If so, what are other solutions? Brainstorm, brainstorm, brainstorm.

It would also seem as though at some point, this woman will have worked her way through all the husbands in the social circle and the wives will ostrcise her and her husband. In our case, exposure at work caused OW to be shunned. Lonely for her, but too bad. I feel comfortable that the current co-workers know her past and guard themselves against her. She will have a difficult time starting her third affair, at least at work. Maybe, she will join a gym next.

AM

Ridicsit, you are handling the situation properly so I wouldn't change a thing.

Have you told your children and others what this skank has done and why your family avoids her? I think getting the news out and about would be a good thing for everything. Your children would understand the situation and others would know to protect their marriages.

I do not feel that the current situation is messing the kids up- I see the potential for trouble down the line- but none materialized yet. I think what we need right now is a plan for what to do if x or y happens- so that we can calmly react. But I see no plan that begins with me reaching out to the female neighbor and being friendly.

And this perhaps evil- but I kept every bit of illicit correspondence she made to my spouse. If her spouse was retaliatory against my child- I am not unafraid to make the correspondence public. Or to remind the spouse that I have that option.

I think brainstorming is what we need to do. Hopefully Dr. Harley will agree.

Do you think you need to brainstorm a situation that has not yet occurred?

My mom was one of the great worriers in the world. In her later years, she acknowledged that most of what she worried about never happened.

AM

Yes. My children know what she did. We told them that she wasn't a friend to our family because she wanted to date Daddy, and people with husbands don't date other people's husbands ( obviously- explanation was age adjusted for each child, but that's the gist). My oldest and youngest picked up on how she was acting towards my husband before I did. So when we explained why our family would not have contact- they were relieved.

What we have told other people is that we are no longer friends with that family because Mrs.Neighbor has bad marital boundaries, and we do not wish to be around her. We have not disclosed specific details in general, but that seems to get the point across. .

The marriage she went after a few weeks ago? That wife? Was very angry at me last year for saying that answer. Defriended me on FB and made fun of me. Now? She's living it.

I think my spouse would feel better with a plan of action. I think, because we have witnessed what we are worried about occurring already, with other families, that the situation is not all that unlikely.

I have OCD. I am a professional grade worrier- and therapy has taught me to briefly honor the worst case scenario and make a plan, then be able to minimize it.

But I hear what you are saying about borrowing trouble.

Ridsic. I am a worrier too and I love plans. But what is it that you are worried about happening?

My spouse is worried about the husband being punitive towards our youngest son as a coach- he's on staff at the high school, and having a different coach isn't an option, if we stay in the district. And we are familiar with how he treats families he doesn't care for. He benches their children, and is unfair in practice ( injuries, and much more). Complaints have been filed against him previously. But he's tenured. So nothing has happened. And with the complaints filed- it gets worse and worse against the student. We know several families that have switched schools because of him.

And I understand that people might see it as a faraway problem- but sports are political. And my son is talented, very talented- and has attracted a lot of attention for his prowess. I think as good parents who support their son's dreams- we have to consider the what-ifs. Especially if what we are being told about his potential is true.

And their daughter is mean- and has been penalized in elementary school- with a mother who reports to people that she is proud her daughter knows how to be " a b*tch, because she never was growing up, so no one will mess with her". My spouse is worried that with my daughter choosing not to be friends with her- that mean girl will focus on my daughter. When they used to be friends, it was not unusual to have that little girl in our house, yelling at my daughter ( and then I would send her home), which would lead to her standing in the driveway screaming, " I divorce you as a friend".

To say it's a toxic mess is an understatement. We have successfully negotiated all of this so far. And I understand that some people may disagree with the need to think about the future situations- but I think in this instance- knowing what we would do is a good idea, so that we do not act rashly.

I acknowledge that none of my spouse's fears may come true. I absolutely hope he is wrong. But if you know the history, and you've seen what happens- in my opinion, we have to at least consider the possibilities.

Also? I am embarrassed that I was ever friends with this family. I have no excuse for my poor judgment. None.

Ok. I see where your DH is coming from now with his idea to just be friendly to the skank. I'm NOT condoning it...but it makes more sense to me now.

Have you discussed transferring to another school like other families have done?

If your child is this talented, why don't you get him a decent coach? There is much more to coaching than game fundamentals.

AM

Doing a bit of brainstorming from out here, it would seem that your biggest exposure to negative actions by these neighbors would be through the husband-coach aspect. (I'm assuming that one or more of your children would be exposed to being on a team coached by this person.)

If so, prepare your child to receive no positive, or even appropriate, treatment by that person, and you being totally unable to correct the situation. Sorry, that's the way it is. So much of what a coach implements regarding player selection, placement, and playing time, is based on "opinion" (ie: prejudice) that there will be no way to demonstrate that his "outside" feelings are involved in his "coaching" decisions.

Sorry, RS, but that's the reality of your situation.

Other than that, in-school interaction between the kids is best approached by totally informing your children of what is likely to happen. I'll leave to you the advisability of informing school administration.

Is the sports situation "fair"? Probably doesn't matter, but your husband made the choice to stray (with the ancillary effect of being "available" to skank-neighbor's opportunistic offer), you've chosen on principle not to associate with the couple, and you together have made the decision NOT to relocate. So your child not getting a square athletic deal, and your impotence in correcting that issue, is an ongoing result of your choices.

It is possible that your husband sees the situation as I do, and is making one of those difficult assessments for your child's welfare in suggesting you mitigate your stance.

NOTICE TO MY USUAL TRAILING CRITIC - I DID NOT URGE RS TO RECONSIDER HER CHOICE. I JUST OFFERED AN OPINION AS TO STATUS!

Yes. That's on my list of possibilities, and the one I am leaning towards the most. To me- that is far more acceptable than me being nice to neighbor. To just sidestep it entirely, and have my youngest switch districts. Thankfully- he plays on inter-district teams, so the places we could place him, he would have friends, which would hopefully lessen it.

I think that's what my spouse and I need to sit down and discuss- who to move, if to move them, and when to move them. I think my youngest two children would probably be well served to switch districts at some point.

Thanks.

I believe my reality is different, and my options are much better than what you just stated, as I have previously explained.

But I truly appreciate your time and reply.

He is coached privately in both sports- in addition to being on teams.

He has a private coach in one sport- he was recruited by a coach whose clients end up playing Division 1 ball. This coach is amazing- and we feel lucky that our kid was chosen by him. It's a huge deal.

In the other sport- he has been coached well, and has a private coach for fundamentals. He is an excellent athlete- and so far, has been blessed by amazing people nurturing his talents.

He will not be influenced by neighbor husband at all- until high school. That's the issue. Even with a private coach(es) in high school, he will still need to be able to play on a high school team.

I apologize if I have been unclear about that. He has amazing coaches right now. But we cannot hire a private coach for his high school team.

The more I post about this, the clearer the answer is. Thank you all for helping me. I really appreciate it.

RidicSit. I was very apprehensive about moving my kids to a new school. I was so "worried" about causing even more upheaval in their lives. But when I casually suggested it to them, they were thrilled! They wanted no more of the tension either and they were looking to me to be the adult and take them out of that toxic environment. There was no drama at all.

Move them while they are young.