Hi, I'm going to try and tell everything that has happens so I can get the best advice. My world is crashing down around me. I'm 24 years old, male. Iv been married for 4years this august. Me and my wife have been together 7 years. We had a wonderful relationship that started off on hot passionate sex. Any time we could get free together we had sex. Up to 4 times a day sometimes.That went on for a year or so. Until my wife started having a reoccurring thrush problem that was very painful for her. So sex had to stop for a while. We would leave it a month or so after the thrush cleared up and try again but it kept coming back. The doctors were useless. They didn't know what was wrong with her so they gave her all types of medications. Creams tablets pessaries. She had a bad reaction to one and everything down there swelled up. After that the thrush calmed down and kinda disappeared, along with her sex drive, which is understanding because of the problems she had.

During this period of time a old friend who is female txt me just as a catch up. Even though they were just friendly txts after a couple of days I felt bad for texting her because I hadn't told my wife I had txt her. So I stopped texting her. My wife found the txts and because they had 'hey babe' or 'hi hun' in them she went a bit mad at me. Again understandable as she did know I had txt my friend. Then she made me promise not to speak to this girl ever again. As she wasn't a friend I kept in touch with and because I love my wife I agreed that this was fine.slightly controlling but fine. Things got better, we started to have sex more. Thrush never came back for a while then it did again when sex became more frequent. So she gave up on sex really. She didn't want to talk about it. She wud just try and change the subject. So sex became less and less. Then about 2years ago we were having sex once a week for a few months, I thought that things were fixed and we were getting back on track. Then it just stopped. When I asked she accused me of pressurising her into having sex. Everytime I mentioned sex I was putting pressure on her. I would leave it a couple of months then mention it. She would say the same thing everytime. " well I was thinking maybe tonight we could have, but now you have mentioned it I don't want to". Wether I left it a week or a month before mentioning sex she would always say the same thing. Then it became everytime I cuddled up to her or gave her a kiss she would say "we sent having sex tonight" or stop pressuring me" I wasn't even after sex, just a cuddle, I just wanted to feel like she wanted me, I wanted to feel loved.

Through constant rejection and being pushed away all the time I started to ask to talk about us but she would assume it was about sex and immediately change the subject or say I'm pressuring her again. My sex drive was extremely high. I was extremely sexually frustrated and I also felt unloved and worthless. To try and distract my frustration and sexual needs I started to find hobbies, things to take my mind off sex. I have had rc cars, Xbox, scalextric etc general boys toys. At the beginning of Last year I played my Xbox a lot and spent a lot of time working on my car. After a while my wife started to get annoyed and wanted my attention. I gave it her and all she did was assume I just wanted sex so she kept pushing me away again. So I would play Xbox, my Xbox doesn't reject me. We got into a viscous circle if you like with this. As I felt the way I did, I needed to do things to cheer me up and distract myself. Things around the house that needed fixing got put at the bottom if my list. I was kinda selfish and just wanted to make my self happy. After everything that had happend at this point I started to feel like a failure. Like I wasn't a man anymore. I needed to do manly things like play with my car etc. Sex happened once every few months at this point too. I couldn't talk to my wife because evrrytime I tried I was putting pressure on her.

Mid last year I discovered a txt on her phone from a male friend who we had both met in Jan last year.the txt said "thinking about you x x" and was sent at 1am. I then read the other txts I was unaware how much time they were spending together. They were texting eachother over a 100 times a day. Everyday. And meeting up at dinner nearly everyday. She used to save messages I sent her that were nice ones. She had one saved from him telling her how beautiful she is etc etc. This tore me apart and has left me unable to trust her. I want to but I can't. You will understand why soon. She was defiantly having a emotional affair. She says they are just friends. But she said it would stop. 2 weeks on and they are still texting 100+ messages a day. I kinda flipped at this point and shouted at her for the first time. She still txt him but no where near as much after this. We had a big chat about us and what had happend she felt like I didn't care anymore etc. We understood eachother cShe said she was craving attention that's why she txt him but she never thought of it as anything other than friends. I know that if I hadn't of seen that message she would of had a full on affair. Just from the context of the texts. So we decided to try and fix things. I started to give her the attention she wanted and that I had desparatly wanted to give her for years. And she rejected me again.saying it was all about sex. She was still texting this lad but no where near as much. She said she wouldn't let me decide who she can.and can't talk to, which is fair enough she is a free person. But if she wanted to fix things I would of thought she would have cut him off completely but she didn't. So within months we were back to how we have been.
So her other male friend. Her best friend as she says. He started to become more frequent. Now he is also my mate. Originally he is her friend I have known him since iv been with her. He gets a little obsessed with girls he likes iv noticed over the years. Anyway we saw him once a week or maybe twice a week. Then he went uni so it was once a month we got to see him up until last year when he dropped out. At the time she had eased off texting the other lad. Her best friend was now on the over 100 messages a day. Before this she would txt him once a week to see when he was coming round. So she went from one friend to her best friend. He became more frequent around my house. Until it was everyday he would come round.

They would cook dinner with eacother for eachother leaving me on my own so I played Xbox. They are just friends she kept saying. Then from him coming round everyday he started to stay over on the sofa the odd night. Then in august I worked 2 weeks night's and he stayed over every night. I was sick and tired of being runner up in her life. I felt unloved unwanted and insecure.I was starting to think maybe something is going on. She wouldn't talk though.

Because of the lack of sex I had been watching porn once a week on my day off work. Then I was on the sick.for 2 week I was browsing some porn and became curious. It was not normal porn it was bdsm. There was a element of it that aroused me and made me more curious. I saw a trailer for a bdsm porn. I wanted to see the full video I was curious. It wasn't a huge turn on or anything like that it was curiosity that got me intrigued.
Now this leads me to the final part. To see the video I had to pay. It was 40 pounds for a membership. I had never paid for porn before and always said I never would. But in the heat of the moment I paid for it. When I watched the video I was shocked at how extreme it was compared to the trailer, it immediately turned me off and I had that horrible feeling inside me. I shouldnt have done that. I knew at the time it was wrong. I can't believe I paid.40 pound for that! And people actually get off on that? This was going through my head. I instantly came off the website. after a week I thought, well iv paid for it so l see if there is anything less extreme on the website but there wasn't. So I never went on it again.

Anyways my wife's best friend was still practically living at mine, he even had food in the fridge! Just before Xmas my wife was snooping through my emails and found a link to the porn website. She then kicked me out of the house, called me a freak, no better than a peado. I disgust her, she was scared of me. All this and she.wouldn't let me explain. I stayed at my mother in laws for a few days to let her calm down and have time to think, on her own. Only she wasn't on her own she had her best friend with her constantly.I can understand why. But he is a psychologist and was putting things in her head. Like "a person that watches that will be a murderer" I was unhappy with her spending so.much time with her best friend as I believe he was trying to get me out of the picture. I told her and she flipped.

For the next few weeks she spent a lot of time with him, time we should have spent together fixing our marriage. But she was trying to.spend as much time and giving all her attention to her best friend. He was going out of his was and taking her work everyday, spending dinner with her. Texting all the time. I discovers she had confided everything that has ever happened in our marriage with him. He knows everything about us. She had been talking to him like this from the point she stopped talking to the other lad. I.asked her to ease up on texting him while we get our.marriage back on track. So she agreed and secretly got a messaging app and did it behind my back. We went to councilling and the councillor even said she shouldnt be spending this much time with another person. he said your best friend should be your husband or wife. But she didn't agree. She said she would never go councilling again because she isn't having someone she don't know tell her how to live her life. The best advice she gets is from her best friend.

So that takes me to beginning of february this year She hardly txts him as much. We hardly see him as much. We agreed we see to many of our friends instead of spending time with eachother. Things have been good since then up to now. We havnt argued about her friends or me Playing Xbox. I realised where I had gone wrong I made mistakes I know that. She still thinks she has done nothing wrong. And sees that there is nothing wrong with what she did. She has changed her email passwords so I can't access her emails. I presume this is so she has a way of contacting her best friend all day. I know she is checking my emails and my facebook everyother day. I don't know why, I havnt had any other people involved with our marriage. Maybe she is looking for something so she can leave me?we still havnt had sex now for 8 months. I need that passion and closeness that sex brings.

I want to feel loved again. I want to show her how much I love her. But I find myself working all day to come home and tidy up and wash the pots and make her tea all night. Yes she cuddles me now and occasionally I get a kiss but not a proper kiss where you feel the passion. I just don't know what to do now. I'm at a point of craving love. I want to see that look she used to give me. I want to have her love me. I just don't know what's going on in her head.

What goes through my head is, is she having a affair, is she with me because we have just bought a house. Does she love me? Does she want us anymore? I'm asking for advice on her because I can't talk to her because she won't listen. Any help is good! Thanks for reading this

Oh and please don't say my wife is all to blame. I know I'm in the wrong just as much if not more than her. I am prepared to admit this. She however is reluctant to admit she has done wrong and still thinks its all my fault. I'm here as a last resort for advice. I hope you can help and thanks for taking time to read my post.

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Please hit notify and ask the MODS to move your thread to Surviving An Affair forum.

Have you read Dr. Harley's Basic concepts?
Please read them here. A Summary Of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts
Read this it has a lot of information to help you. Thread fot Newly Betrayed Spouses

Was your affair exposed? Was the OW married?

I think your wife may be having an affair with her "best friend". Have you snooped on her to find out?

Hi thanks for your reply. m not having a affair and as far as I'm aware neither is my wife. Our marriage is slowly fixing but I'm.struggling to.deal with feeling unloved and unwanted. And need some advice on this. What other peoples takes on this are or anyone else's experiences.

Have you snooped on your wife? I think she is having an affair with her "best friend".

Was the OW from your affair married when you were involved with her? Are you still looking at porn?

I did snoop when the porn incident happens because even the.councillor didn't agree with all the time she was spending with her.best friend. That's when she changed her passwords to stop me snooping. What does OW mean? Please forgive me. No since the porn incident I havnt looked at porn. I thought maybe it was sub consciously making me act differently.

Please listen to these radio clip of Dr. Harley talking about pornography.
Radio clip on Pornography
Radio clip #2 on Pornography

Good stay away from the porn.

OW =other woman
Here Acronyms and Abbreviations

She says I don't understand her friendship with her best friend because I don't have a best friend of the opposite sex that I can talk to about private things. The thing is, I don't want a friend like that. That's why I married her, she is my.best friend, the only person I want to share everything with.

If your wife is involved in affair it is the reason you will not be able to have a loving romantic marriage.

Your first step is to clean up your side of the street and verify if she's involved in an affair.

You need to put a keylogger on her computer. Have you checked phone records? When you find evidence do not confront her. Come here and tell us and do not tell your wife about this place.

There was no other woman. If you mean my friend that txt. That was about 6years ago and no she wasn't married and neither was I. I havnt had a affair. My wife had a emotional affair that lasted for 6months.

Yes you're correct friends of the opposite sex are a huge

Read this Are Friends A threat to your marriage

Read the links I'm posting to you. They will answer so many questions.
Was your wife's EA exposed to anyone? Was the OM married?
Exposure 101
Carrot and Stick of Plan A

I am reading them. No he isnt. She still speaks to him everyother day.and he comes round twice a week.but only when I'm there.yes it was, a small group of friends and family all know about it.

I don't want to go down the root of snooping because I have promised her I won't snoop on her and she did the same. But she is still checking my emails and facebook. I wonder if she is trying to find something so.she has a excuse to end it. But if she was doing that then the porn thing would of been a good excuse to end it. She promises me her n her best friend are just friends. They have been friends since before I knew her. He even threatened me when we started going out. He used to fancy her through school but never had the chance to be with her. I think she thinks they are friends whereas he thinks there might be something more. Since Aug last year iv never known her to be as close to him as she is. She told him things that she hadn't told me. My worry is him being a psychologist he knows how to manipulate her and has been. Even her mother has tried to tell her this. My mother in law told him to back off so we could sort our marriage out and he replied "she needs me" he has her well and truley wrapped around his finger. He had booked her n him tickets to a concert a few weeks ago she asked if she could go, she said it was fine if I didn't want her to. She respected my wishes and didn't go. But the fact he bought the tickets already kinda makes me think its more his doing by kinda forcing her into decisions etc. she says she will never stop seeing her best friend either because he has been there for her through everything.

edit

she was never this close to him, like i say she used to text him a few times a month. but when i found out about her EA with the OM that went on from jan till july and that eventually ended after me having to lose it a bit and shout at her. but she still text that OM every otherday until the porn incident. but after i lost it and shouted it seems she went from the OM to her best friend. so in a way she has had 2 EA's. after a while she kinda admitted that the first OM was a EA and she gave her reasons, ie me not giving her attention me playing xbox me playing with my car etc. which are true yes, and she did say she was unhappy a couple of times. but everytime i try and do what she wanted from me she pushed me away again by saying im only after one thing. hence the viscious circles we got into. she says its still all my fault.but she denies her best friend is a EA, strongly and was disgusted i could think that of her and him.
the porn incident has bought our whole marriage out so in a way its a good thing because we have talked about everything leading up to it. which we never did before, but since we went councilling once and she refues to go again because she disagrees with everything the councillor said. the councillor said i know where iv gone wrong and can see what iv done and im admitting its partly my fault we are where we are. the councillor said im ready to start building the relationship back up. he said that she needs to see where she has gone wrong and admit its partly her fault too, and he strongly recommended we dont see any friends because they are involved in our marriage. then she went off on one at the councillor saying he is just a friend blah blah. he kept putting scenarios to her like when OM would come round and get her to cook different foods with OM how it would make me feel. and how it would make me feel when OM was staying over every night when i was working nights. but she just kept coming back to the whole 'but he is just my best friend' after the first councilling session she said she doesnt want to go back. at the time this was in mid jan, i asked if she still wanted a marriage with me and she said she didnt know. i asked the same question last month and she said she does and we are working at it. but the whole changing her passwords so i dont know them, and using a chat app instead of texts to talk with OMBF, and im still waiting for that one kiss that lets me know she loves me, a kiss that lasts more than 3 seconds. a kiss that makes your stomach flutter and feel a rush of warmth run up your neck. but at the moment every cuddle and kiss i get i feel as if she is forcing herself to do it.

@BrainHurts i really appreciate you listening and helping me

So she's already had 2 affairs since you've been married and her male best friend(who's always had a thing for her) spends the night with her while you're at work. And you don't think she's having an affair??

You read the article on snooping by Dr. Harley I posted to you? Also the one on opposite sex friendships?

How are you going to know how to fix your marriage if you don't have all the information? I bet if you put a VAR and/or camera in your house and GPS on her car, you will know.

Please listen to these radio clips of Dr. Harley telling a wife to stop being in denial and snoop and expose her WH's affair.

Radio clip #1
Segment #2
Segment #3

I will read the article later I'm going to bed now. My only evidence that she isn't involved physically with anyone is the fact that when she isn't at work she is with me. I pick her up from work everyday. The only time she sees OM now is when I'm at home or when I'm with her.

Is this a joke?