Thanks Scotty I have heard you are the Plan B Queen

MelodyLane if you are in MB Land I'd appreciate your input

Be the best woman YOU can be. The woman you WANT to be. NOT the woman your WH would want.

What if your WH never came home? That is a real possibility. Then, you making yourself into the perfect mate for him would have been time wasted. You need to become a strong woman. You need to become a good potential mate to someone other than who your WH is right now. You don't want to attract someone like that anyways. A fully repentant FWH is who you want. And that isn't going to happen because of anything you do or don't do.

Agree. Plan B isn't to entice your husband to come back home. It's to protect YOU. You might decide to work out and lose weight - or not. You may be happy at your current weight. You might want to get a breast enhancement/reduction. You might want to run a marathon or write a novel; these things are done for YOU. When your wayward comes home, the two of you will discuss your needs and address them at that time.

Maritalbliss - thanks, the protection part of Plan B will be a huge benefit given recent events. Hopefully during this time WH anger he is projecting onto me may start to fade. Like everyone else in Plan B I miss my husband. Its such a tragedy waywards sarifice so much and cause such devastation for a fantasy

have sent you an email, happy!

replied to your email Letty.

I am not advising her to do things to entice him back. That isn't what I said, nor what I advocated.

I advised her to fix the problems in preaffair marriage. Nothing I said had anything to with enticing him back.

It was simply advice to clean up her side of the fence.

If she wants to save her marriage, then it is important to keep in mind the EN's of the wayward. Nothing more and nothing less.

If she wants her Plan B to be about herself, then let her. I can only give her advise on what I did for my Plan B.

Scotty I think that is unrealistic. You may have your Plan B all about yourself, that doesn't mean all Plan B's need to be solely about self. Dr. Harley has never said what Plan B looks like. He simply says cut the wayward out of your life completely. Even when I spoke to him and told him what I was doing in Plan B he said that was good. I told him how I corrected the mistakes of my marriage, and he said then he felt the only reason my WH wasn't returning home was because of the number of children we had. He felt all the changes I made, especially the weightloss, were the best things I could do to save my marriage. That was done in Plan B.

My advice to her is to make sure if she wants to save the marriage, then she is correcting mistakes made in the preaffair marriage. There is nothing wrong with making those changes albeit for the wayward or for self. It is unrealistic for the poster to never ever see her WH again. If there are school functions and they both attend, then he may get a peek at her. If there are graduations, weddings, births, etc. then there may be a peek.

Women can only Plan A for so long. I see nothing wrong with adding some Plan A to Plan B. When I talked to Dr. Harley he was supportive of the changes I made during Plan B, which were correcting my preaffair marriage mistakes. In all of Dr. Harley's books he states Physical attraction can be so powerful it can deposit enough love units to cause someone to be in love.

I know for a fact my WH has PA as a top need. Hence I have to see him in court in 2 months, and I am going to be the best looking wife he sees that day. That would never have been possible if I hadn't taken care of myself and lost the weight. Secondly I have to bring in my financials. Again he is seeing how much money I make, and that is another EN for him.

Hence ... I would like to save my marriage even though WH is deplorable. I am also a realist. Do I believe he will magically turn around by seeing me, "NO", but hey why not try and look sexy for him? It makes me feel better because I still love him, and I want to look like the wife of his youth. If He officially divorces me, then I know I will look pretty darn sexy for a new man in my life.

My advice to posters in Plan B is what I am living. I haven't spoken to WH in months, and feel better than ever today. I must be doing something right, because my spirits are healing ... my acceptance of his waywardness is finally coming.

I'm calling you on this happy

You didn't open that email on autopilot. I suspect you opened the email with hope. Maybe WH was remorseful, maybe he was saying he would meet each and every condition, maybe he just couldn't live without you in his life. I've been there and got the souvenier. I desperately wanted him to contact me as I saw that as some sign that he wasn't forgetting about me easily and moving on with his life and the OW. I now know that his contact just does not matter unless he is meeting my conditions. Any contact otherwise is just tormenting me. Showing WH's disrespect and selfishness.

Happy, I got an emailed response to my PBL from WH almost immediately as well. Your WH's words are cruel, just as his actions are. My WH blameshifted, the whole point of his email was to blame me for his affair, to justify his actions whilst avoiding mentioning them. Your WH is rewriting history as well, to justify what he has done. Oh, its okay to treat your BW and kids like crap because you "love" the skank. Yeah right.

Rather than trying to make sense out of nonsense, focus on you. And hugs. Reading that fogbabble still hurts.

PI, doesn't DrH say that in Plan B the BS meets NONE of the ENs of the WS? Does he not say that you REMOVE yourself from meeting ANY ENs?

School functions, celebrations, etc, my WH doesn't attend. I have seen or spoken to my WH in more than 2 YEARS.

It isn't just about MY Plan B. It is about ALL Plan B's. You are supposed to move FORWARD so that if your marriage ends, you will be ABLE to move on without your WH. Focusing on fitting the perfect idea of your WH isn't going to help you move forward. What Plan Bers need to do is focus on creating a life WITHOUT their WS in mind.

Plan Aing during Plan B, I don't even understand what that would entail. Could you clarify that for me?

All I know is when I lost the weight and got my job it was in Plan B. Those two meet my Wh PA & Finance ENs. Dr. Harley told me that was good I did that since I was trying to save my marriage. The key is they are not immediately meeting his needs because we do not see each other. If WH came home then I am in a position to immediately meet those needs, which I failed in preaffair marriage.

Plan A is meeting ENs for the wayward. I did not have time to lose all the weight so it had to happen in Plan B. That is why I said some Plan A in Plan B. Ultimately it is nice to have the weight gone and be thin for myself, but I will admit a motivator was to meet WH need.

A goal of Plan B is to maintain the love, because we have hope the wayward will come home. Happy's WH is clearly addicted and in due time his addiction will fade. There is hope her marriage could be saved if she holds out long enough in Plan B. Why not at least fix the preaffair mistakes?

ETA: Plan B is about moving on, so in order to move on one needs to make sure adultery never happens again. Dr. Harley advocates the betrayed needs tomake sure they stop the preaffair behavior. and better themselves. Plan B is the time to do that, so if divorce happens the betrayed is in a position to have a new and better relationship. I would harm myself if I did not make the necessary changes in Plan B because I would likely repeat the mistakes of my preaffair marriage.

It is ABSOLUTELY time to look at and evaluate YOUR side of things, Pre-A. It is good to have a realistic POV of who you were, and where you went wrong so you won't repeat those mistakes. But suggesting that the BS actively TRY to become an EN meeter for her WS while in PB is crazy-making.

The POINT of PB is to REMOVE the BS from the drama of the A so he/she may heal. In the process of removing oneself, they also keep their LB$ steady for the WS for a CHANCE to recovery. There are many times, however, where the BS decides that the WS isn't worth it.

WHen you are in PB, you are NOT supposed to think about your WS. You are not supposed to mold yourself into someone whom they would love. You are supposed to become YOUR best person. Think about it. It's probably who you were when your WS first met you anyways.

And what if PB only lasted 2 hours? How much would the BS have changed into this stepford wife in that time? How much weight would have been lost?

I have a HUMUNGOUS headcold, and I can't focus, so I will go for now.

PI you've got it totally wrong. That's Plan A. You don't consider the needs/thoughts/likes of the wayward at all in Plan B. You shouldn't even be thinking the waywards name in Plan B. Snap an elastic band on your wrist if you do.

Plan B is not about saving the marriage at all, either. The BS has no power to save the marriage. Plan B is only protection from the toxic behaviour of the wayward.

I'm glad you have changed things in your life that make YOU happier. Changing for your WH is pointless however. You will have done that, or expressed willingness to do that in Plan A. Now is your time.

You have to separate yourself entirely from the wayward in Plan B, even in thought, for Plan B to work.

This makes your feeling more neutral. This makes your loivebank freeze, saving you from pain, saving you from feeling abandoned, saving you from hatred.

If the wayward ever comes around they can easily thaw out that love. THEY are responsible for saving the marriage post-plan A. They can claim the promises of needs which were pledged in Plan A.

Healing of the BS is paramount in Plan B. The WS can look after themselves, or begin recovery whenever they want, so they are not to be considered.

Without the emphasis on self healing there can be no personal recovery, and of course there can be no marital recovery either.

No marital recovery because after two years of remodelling yourself, waiting, hoping and being disappointed - the eventual resentment would be insurmountable.

Your H is doing what every WS does, he is rewriting history. And a big for reading his fogbabble message!!

Please tell me you didn't respond?

PI, you take alot of things out of context and come up with odd conclusions that leaves me scratching my head. Plan B is not about meeting your spouses needs. Dr Harley does say what Plan B is supposed to look like: DIVORCE. It emulates divorce. It is not designed to get your spouse back. Its entire purpose to protect the mental health of the BS.

I can understand your reasons behind losing weight, but that should not be done thinking it will get your husband back. You may never get your husband back and I believe Dr Harley even told you that?

And if you are in Plan B, your spouse would have no way of knowing that you lost weight anyway.

In Plan B, happy should focus on her life instead of her husbands. That is what will bring her the greatest peace of mind the fastest.

Happy, you surely know better than to believe the word of a wayward?

You're supposed to believe that he didn't love you for 15 years and was merely too polite to tell you so?

Anyway, you've cut him off, so why is he trying so hard to convince you of anything?

That whole letter just reads me as "blah blah blah. I am an amazing dad who stayed with my nasty demonised spouse for the sake of the kids....I am so great. I am one helluva guy. I have two women. Even now I can not stop contacting and being hurtful to the wife. Why should I stop, just because she wants me too? I NEED ATTENTION. I need to rub her nose in the fact that I call the shots around here, not her"

Never read one of his toxic messages ever again, happy.

huh? Why are you telling this woman this? You know that it most certainly is realistic and people manage to stay dark every day on this forum. Harley has stated often on the radio that in order for Plan B to be effective, one has to stay completely dark.

Found a post over on the weekend forum where Harley addresses this:

Question: if I decide to do a full Plan B, what do I do when we attend the same children's activities? Soccer games, band concerts, plays, etc. are all part of our lives. Do I ignore him completely? Is it okay to smile and wave? Do we sit together or what? FYI, I have a mediator in mind, but I'm just not emotionally read to Plan B him yet. But I'm getting there.

Edited by stilllovemyman (01/27/08 03:18 PM)


Dr. Harley
Administrator


Reged: 11/16/00
Posts: 1916
Re: Plan B Advice Needed [Re: stilllovemyman]
#3389429 - 01/28/08 06:40 AM



stilllovemyman: Read my answer to "What Now!" by NZJ in the Questions about Infidelity section of the MBW Forum. It probably applies to your situation.

About 95% of affairs die a natural death within 2 years of discovery. And 70% of those 5% that survive to marriage end in divorce. Even the 30% of the 5% (1.5%) are not all happy marriages. So the odds of your husband finding happiness with his present lover is so unlikely that it's safe to say that his affair is the worst mistake of his life. But because you're married to him, it's the worst mistake of your life, too. And you didn't do anything to deserve it.

Your best plan of action right now is plan B. And you will have to make it air-tight to keep you sane. Otherwise, every casual contact, even at your children's events, is likely to take a terrible toll on your mental and physical health.

Some day, your husband may come out of the fog. And he may be ready to win you back to him again. But I would encourage you to avoid hoping for that outcome. In fact, try to avoid thinking of him at all. Start going down a new path that does not include him in any way. There's nothing more that you can do to encourage him to do the right thing. All you're left with now is to try to protect yourself from future suffering. And that means having absolutely nothing to do with your husband, possibly for the rest of your life.

Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Want to make sure this point is not missed: