Just remember - it's good to get all the truth once and for all but it will not be helpful towards recovery to keep rehashing it. No more A talk!

thanks sunny. i realised later last night that it was rather PTSD (having to face the appt). the old MC from 6 years ago really did a number on me.

so, after a long stressful day yesterday, i face the lovely long weekend...sick! grrrr! going to down some nyquil (which i bring here by the bucketload) and hit the sack early!

Remember once everything is out on the table Dr. Harley says to never bring up the affair again.

Think about if your counselor is doing more harm then good.

Hope you get to feeling better.

Isn't it crazy that something that's supposed to be good - counseling - can end up so bad?!!!

You just have to be careful. Some MC's are all about talking the past to death and it simply does no good: it only makes things worse. That's not to say that you don't need resolution on what happened. That's why Dr. H recommends you have the big talk to get all the truth out. After that though, you're supposed to drop it and that can be very hard for us BS's. It doesn't seem fair that we don't get to talk about it with our spouses. We want them to know the pain they caused and that we can't just get over it, etc...

BUT... it helps neither party - the BS or the WS to discuss it anymore. We (BS's) may WANT to, but it is not in our own best interest: it just drags up the awful feelings.

Of course, I think we all need to know that our FWS's understand the hurt and pain caused and to validate our feelings. That should occur as a result of the big talk. Then, however, it may come up again later in us (that need for validation) and we want reassurance that the FWS still "knows" and gets what they've done. That need for reassurance is what usually prompts us to want to bring it up again. BUT...it's not healthy. This is where we have to use our minds to act appropriately rather than our feelings that want momentary relief.

And....that's what we have the boards for - to talk these things out. It's not good to suffer in silence.

I sure hope you feel better!!! Can hubby make chicken soup?

i am off on the 7.30am bus this morning for the town my dd lives in. H is driving up this afternoon. i'm doped to the gills, plus using a naturopath (sp?) remedy...feel a little bit better, but so don't want to have a disappointing weekend because i don't feel well!

dd in beauty school - she's going to do my hair this afternoon after i've got my students ready to go. their competition isn't until tomorrow morning (there are lots of other staff this year to take care of them - the last time i went, it was only me and a new teacher! for 50 kids!) this is a big cultural comp between the top 8 boys schools in the north island. lots of fun.

H and i are staying until sunday, spending time with DD. looking forward to it if i survive the bus ride!

bus ride fine, but i am now incredibly blonde - dd used my head for foils as well! having lovely weekend - gorgeous apartment overlooking the beach. feeling a tad less sucky than yesterday, but full respitory infection. i'm prone to them :O(

i never got any info about the a other than what i found. original MC said from day 1 (which was only days later) that we could only look forward and not back. it was very humiliating. i hated it and her :O( new one, and i, think it's important to look at the behaviour that lead to it - that's an MB principle, yes? then, believe me, i will thrilled never to talk about it again. looking forward to not thinking about it either. that's why i joined MB. i wanted to "let go" (hence my name, letting go)of all that pain and anguish and move forward. i have been "stuck" for far too long.

ok, back to my lovely weekend! there's actually a mexican place here. i hope the food is remotely like real mexican food!

thanks, bh, i'll listen to that when i get home. i must have been mistaken. i thought all info should be out, *then* you stop talking about it. since i had never been filled in in the first place...but if it's no, it's no! what a pity our first MC screwed up so badly. she did me a great disservice; stupid cow. if only i'd known about MB then.

I thought too that you are supposed to have all the information and THEN stop talking about it.

Otherwise, the BS's head is filled with all kinds of thoughts trying to make sense of the puzzle.

To me it's always been a distinct difference: you talk about it to get the facts, get the truth out there so there are no secrets... then, you move forward focusing on the future. We talk on the forums about different BS's needing different amounts of information as to specifics, but I thought that the MB principle was that the BS should know whatever he or she needs to know. (And then has to shut up about it after that's all out.)

???

That is correct. Reveal everything about the affair. That is a condition of recover.

ok, that's good to know.

our (discussed) plan is to use 1 appt for a talk, then padlock it forever. then next appt for practicing POJA properly together, 1 for practicing avoiding LBs (particularly OAs), and 1-2 for developing openness and honest communication together.

am back home now from weekend. i am still sick w/respiratory infection. however, we had a lovely time. he outdid himself with accommodation, and surprised me this morning with lovely card & gift for mother's day, which i had totally forgotten about. card made me tear up a bit. it was lovely to sit in the private spa and steam away some of my congestion. also had opportunity for SF once i could actually breathe. today we dealt with DDs car problems (good for admiration meeting), then had a long, positive talk in the car on the drive home. just some o&h talk about our past lives/relationships and lessons learned from them. both of us had always been of the "what your life was before we met doesn't matter" types, so this is new and quite interesting, really. i could also see a clear pattern of behaviour on my own part when examining my past. this is another good thing dr harley recommends! he drove his new car, but not in a way that made me want to vomit, which was great and respectful of me. it was nice being able to share his pleasure of driving/cars.

oh, and my boys got some 2nd and 3rd places, which was nice. no firsts though :O( long week ahead, starting with scholarship class at 7am tomorrow. going to be an early night. thank you, nyquil!

Yes you talk about everything and then once you talk about it you don't talk about the affair anymore.

Listen to the clip I posted. She found out a month and half ago and Dr. H asks her "How many hours do you think you have talked about it?" She said 20-30 hours and he said that should be plenty.

There were things the WH couldn't remember but the affair happened 6 years ago.

So Letty I ask you? How many hours do you think you have talked about the affair with your WH?

I do think you should use one last appointment to talk about it if you think there are still questions that need answered.

we have never really talked about it at all, after the revelation.

so, basically, 2 hours, tops, on revelation night (where he did the talking), and about 20 minutes last weekend, when i finally, finally, asked how it happened.

to be absolutely specific, on DD, i got the "i'm in love with someone else and went all the way to canada to have sex with the skanyhola" revelation. he told me he loved her and wanted her to move here with her child and basically take over my life. oh, yes, he told me all about how wonderful she was, and he loved her even though she smoked, something he's always despised, and had a young child, something he'd never wanted more of. i was shell shocked. i did not ask questions. i left the house, cried, came back, told him to get out of our house, threw clothes at him, then, just like some sad sack on sally jesse raphael, i literally begged him to stay.

he did.

the very next day we went to doctor for STD testing, and made appt to see MC the day following. i did not discuss a, as i was terrified he would leave, since he wasn't "in love" with me. the "MC" we went to for 6 months following insisted we should not discuss it at all, so we didn't ("the past is the past"). instead, i cried alone every day in the shower, then tried to be the best wife i could despite the constant and dreadful state of fear and anxiety. after those 6 months, he finally got through withdrawal and committed to us. i certainly wasn't going to bring it up when we finally seemed to be getting back on track. but it has haunted me for 6 very long years, which is why i'm here. it's like a festering wound that will not heal.

Well you definitely do not have all your questions answered per that horrible MC.

So is your WH willing to answer all your questions? I would make a list and write all your questions down, because sometimes when we are under stressful situations we may forget.

Since his affairs happened so long ago, maybe give him the questions before hand so in the MC he has had some time to think about the answers.

yes, he is willing. that's a really good idea. i will do that.

I hope you finally start to find peace, my friend.

thank you so much. not many people "get" that. i am happy to work through MB for 2 years to get to that point. i am so happy to have finally found something that actually helps and doesn't leave the BS out in the cold!

Letty, after you find out everything that you want to know about the affair, you do stop discussing it. That doesn't mean that the triggers will disappear though. You will be reminded about the affair, and it is important to share those times with your WH.