Good lord, love show them what Americans are made of!

You speak the the truth and don't care what anyone thinks.

At least that's the Letty I know.

It sounds like in the place where you live you will have to develop a thick skin anyway, so you might as well develop it to save some poor woman from misery.

Tell her your sources too.

I know its scary! But scarier than having an entire town laugh at your H's affair as in this poor womans case? Help her. And show people you're not scared of that xenophobic anti american crap.

that's my biggest fear! major meltdown, then deep cover.


but i don't KNOW that, that's the thing. i have no proof, other than some malicious gossip, really. however, i DO believe that it is true in my heart, unfortunately, and so, something MUST be done. may do some sleuthing on my own, first. i can be quite the jenna bond when i put my mind to it! w/any kind of evidence, i would feel able to speak "the truth" and not just unhinge her marriage for naught (underground).

Dang this poor unsuspecting BW.

We have had members on here do the anonymous "let them know", but most of them didn't believe them because they didn't have any facts to back them up.

Here are a few posters that went through with this. Might be some good insight.
Should I reveal someone else's affair?

Yep - anonymous, without proof, is pretty hopeless to affect real change for that marriage. The only way it would possibly light a fire under the BS in question is if she already suspects something is up and it motivates her to check it out.

If she is told by someone she knows - still, without proof - it may not go much better but there is at least some credibility there.

As a sidenote, I can't imagine living in a place that is so hostile to you!

There were lots of rumours about my WH and OW - people saw all the signs but were afraid to tell me without hard proof.

I wish someone had just told me what everyone was saying. I am certain I would not have believed it at first, but I would have been alerted.

When people on here alerted me to the possibilty of an affair (and of course they had no proof) I didn't believe and I argued.

It was only a few days though before I saw the signs myself, because the seed of doubt had been sown.

Letty I'm sorry you've had that experience. I didn't think kiwis would act that way. I know in Dunedin it was different, maybe because it is a University town and there are quite a few American professors and international students etc. I knew a few Americans at my children's school and they fortunately never experienced that. They do say the further south you go the friendlier it is, maybe its not an urban myth.

BTW I missed the Dr Phil epsidoe you referred to earlier. I also missed Nigel Lattas episode with the reference to MLC etc.

This is a good point. While it's better to have proof, it doesn't mean someone shouldn't speak up if they can't have it. I would want someone to tell me too. Even if I wanted to go into denial, I would sure at least have my eyes opened, looking for signs.

Maybe it's all in the approach. If you go to someone telling them to check it out for themselves, rather than shoving it down their throats, it at least be on them to take it from there.

These words are spot on.

I was never told the truth about WH and OW. I imagine all of his colleagues, including some good friends, who were at my farewell BBQ before I returned to Aus, were gossiping.

Shortly after,WH indicated he wanted a separation. Very soon after, I found MB. MB'ers began telling me it was an A, and strangely enough, with the marriage we had, it was the only thing that made sense at the time. But I still believed WH because it was reflex.

Shortly after that, UK friends told me it was an A but refused to tell me anything further. The thing is, looking back, I KNEW. My alarm bells were ringing loud and clear, before the "friend" told me. What MB'ers told me made sense.

I know part of my grieving process has been in learning that not only can one person you trusted become untrustworthy, but so can a lot of others. That people can aid and abet the WS.

Tell her Letty. Regardless of the fallout to you, it is the right thing to do.

I wish someone had told me.

i haven't posted about me for several days, so want to give an update.

WH moved back home one week ago. for the last week i have felt disconnected. after giving it lots of thought, i realised that the ONE person who asked me "this is the LAST chance, right?" really coloured my perception. i felt broken, was having trouble integrating him back into our life, and was unable to enjoy SF.

WH has been doing great. he's actively working the EPs, and it's amazing how much that does to settle a BSs mind. his active attention to my needs has been terrific. we've been UAing every day, and i have just loved his attention to our home (as well as me).

we have been working on some of the MB things he struggled w/before, like the 10 steps to showing affection. he came to me and said that he was having some difficulty, as some things didn't "fit" our relationship (like having breakfast - neither of us eat brekkie, and we both leave for work very early). so we rewrote the 10 things to fit us, and he has been doing each of those 10 things daily.

i have all passwords and check everything. he rarely uses the computer, and when he does, he uses it with me. huge step there. (BTW, BSs, desktop shark is worth every penny).

before WH moved back in, he had a response to his NC letter. it was a plain "no worries." i was blown away by his reaction: he texted immediately and asked if he could come back to the house (we had just had dinner together). he showed me the text, asked what he should do, then deleted text and contact number (i had deliberately left contact in, just in case of a reply so i would know who it was from). he was quite upset that she had sent a text reply (because he knew it would hurt me), but - get this - i was calm, rational, and thanked him for his honesty and his need to make sure he set things right with me. (no AO, which must have been a huge shock to him!)

right now we are working w/the books, and WH is actively working to find us a NZ in-person counsellor that will follow MB. he needs the face time. (so far, two potentials to interview.) the book LBs is a great resource as well!

so, the keyword here is "active." having a WS who is actively demonstrating the principles really does help reestablish your bond.

now ive got to race to work, even though Wed is our late start day! it's freezing here today, and we're getting a little rain. needless to say, little cat slept under the covers all night long!

Letty sounds GREAT.

Has WH considered changing his number so she can't text anymore? I think that would be a good step.

You seem to be heading in the right direction. And remember, it takes time. Recovery is a marathon, not a sprint.

I agree change all his contact info so OW can't contact him. A contact will reset your recovery clock. A false recovery can be more painful then a DDay.

Enjoy the steps of your new M..please read this.
False Recovery

thanks scottie and bh. bh, you're always so good about posting links to everyone. i have read the false recovery one before, as it was my biggest fear. do you think that's a possibility in my case?

ps: i am drafting a letter now about the other situation and will post it for your input.

Awesome Letty, I'm really happy all is going well. Try not to let others negativvely influence your recovery. Only you can make the right decision for you. I don't think anyone who hasn't walked in our shoes can really understand why we fight to save our marriage or what strength it takes. Nor can they decide if your marriage is worth saving. You've done so welL in Plans A & B, you deserve a shot at recovery. Just remember it takes time.

No, not at all. I just want you to be educated on False Recoveries so you'll be forewarned. Remember, knowledge is power.

Is your H going to change his contact numbers as one of his EP?
Like Scotty said "recovery is a marathon and not a sprint".

I'm so glad your going ahead on the exposure to that BW. Thank you from all unknown BW

I'm really pleased for you Letty , with how things are going. That WH is making efforts to be the H you deserve.

You sound very strong and committed to your marriage recovery.

Please list your WH changing his number as an EP.

You need to feel safe that OW has no way of contacting him. Another attempt at contact is a trigger for you that sets back your recovery. One that is easily avoided.

Here's even a better thread that Pepperband put together.
False Recovery: need voices of experience

Wait...so I can stop running?????

LOL

JK

Letty - SOOOO glad things are going well! Good job to you for not just throwing out the "10 things" but adapting it to fit your lifestyles! You guys are doing great!

Did H have dinner with daughter? How'd it go?

no, dinner is not for another week, when we visit the town she is living in. she is still not talking to him, but is receptive to dinner.

i will have a think about the phone. the computer is a much more important EP for me.

here is my first draft. i need help with this:

Dear BW,

I have some information I think it is important for you to know.

Firstly, you should NOT confront your husband with this info. You need, instead, to discover the facts about it, and only confront him when you have proof.

It is being said around town that when your WH goes out to �play cards� with his friends, they have prostitutes in to �entertain� themselves.

It is also my understanding that two of these �friends� are also married (and two are single). Should you confirm this, I would hope you would tell their wives as well, as they are being exposed to disease as well as being lied to by the person they should be able to count on, just as you may be.

I know this is devastating for you to hear. You may already have suspicions. I am so sorry to be the bearer of this news, but I could not ignore the possibility that your partner in life is committing a most horrendous crime against you and your family, and that you deserve to be told. At the very least, people are talking about such behaviour going on.

I am sorry I do not have any further information, and so cannot answer any questions you may have.

=======
i do not know if i should develop the following suggestions:

1. simply show up late in the evening at the card game.

2. better: hire a private investigator to follow WH on one of his game nights to confirm if you can.

3. follow the money. it is likely one of the singles pays to avoid detection. does your WH have access to cash? can you check the books or does he do perk (under the table) work? would he have disposable cash you wouldn�t know about?

4. possibly get together with the other wives and share knowledge/resources.

5. get your ducks in a row so he cannot lie his way out (�it�s only the single guys having sex!�)

recommendations please?

Letty, how about recommending MB to support her with snooping, exposure, etc?

Good idea. Maybe supply the web address.

I think the letter is written very well. You gave as much proof as you had and you wrote it with compassion.

Thank you.