There can be so many conflicting and facilitating factors at play in a situation such as yours and hers, GJM, that it's highly risky to attempt to select which is the most obstructive to her returning to the marriage. It would take an idiot to try to diagnose what she's going through right now.

Well, I'm the idiot required.

Let me posit a construct about her confusion, GJM. I do not believe her "embarrassment" caused by your exposure matters much right now. She might say it does, but how does her not coming home work to alleviate that emotion? If anything, her continued removal from your home extends and emphasizes the fact that she was caught cheating. Coming home would work toward getting her co-workers to focus on something else.

I believe the active emotion keeping her away is PRIDE. As long as she stays away, the artificial line of argument that the affair was warranted can be kept alive in her mind. If she returns, she has no cover - she must admit to herself that you and her family is her best option now, was for years, and probably was during her infidelity, in spite of the line of crap she swallowed from OM. In summary, she'd have to admit to a HUGE mistake.

That was the KEY element in my FWW's quick recovery. The family friend of decades duration told her flat out two days after d-night that she (FWW) was a [censored] moron for doing what she did, and for thinking there was for her any possible better life (or spouse?) than that she was busy flushing away.

Your WW is not blessed with such a friend. Instead she will learn those truths through ugly experience.

I agree with all of the above and was saying the same things to myself. I'll add that maybe she feels she doesn't deserve me. Maybe she feels like she will have to pay for her mistakes for the rest of our lives together. Or that neither of our families will accept each other. She probably thinks a fresh start with someone else will help her move on. All of these reasons are not valid and won't help, but just things to consider. Pride is the biggest downfall of any person not willing to humble themselves. I wish I knew what the best recourse was, but I don't.

I don't think pride is keeping her from coming home.

She is just still in wayward fog thinking. Trying to justify her actions which bring her to where she is at...not with you at home.

Fog.

I don't think she's trying to justify the affair. I feel like she thinks too much damage was done because of it and the explosion that occurred from exposure. Her justification wouldn't be acceptable either way, but she doesn't have anyone, but me to bring her out of the fog. And because it's me, anything I say is to "get what I want".

GJM, I don't post much to others but I do follow along. I think you have done a great job. I can relate to what you are saying about your WW as I had the same thoughts. My WW was and still is lost. She doesn't want me then she does, she came home for 2 months and we tried to recover then ran away to yet another OM. I was told once by HBP that if I'm juggling 3 plates, one hand is on green and my right foot is on red, that no matter what I do/did it is and will always be her choice to return and recover the M. All you can do is be the best you and the rest is up to her. My WW could not grasp what work she needed to do to recover and it was easier for her to run and escape. HHH put it this was, some people can atone for their transgressions while others cannot. Only time will tell the rest of the story.

That last line of your signature says everything about my wife.

GJM,

I'm sorry you can't seem to find what will turn your ww around.
At this point she is the only one that can process the whole situation and make the choices for herself.
You have done a great job being her husband. I'm sure she can see it and feel you love and concern.
My husband was the wayward, almost 3 years out and still says it's hard and makes him very sad who he allowed himself to be.
She is running instead of facing that.
Doesn't mean that she can't get there still.
It's easier for her to blame the exposure, she is stuck on the grass is greener on the other side, she hasn't realized it's just grass without the love.
Just keep telling everything you do and say is for your marriage and your family, the only thing you want is your life with her.
That is the reason for everything you have done, she left you will no choice, some other man was stealing what was yours.
You fought for her because she is worth the fight, worth whatever you had to do.
Ii'm keeping my prayers going for you and your wife.
Keep the light on for her so she can find her way home
Jessi

Thanks Jessi,

The light will be on. I'll just keep living my life with the kids.

Well tomorrow is the big day and I don't know how things are going to go, but I believe all of the signs have been showing me what I need to do. I believe I have been guided into a direction that is best for me and the kids. I have been sitting still, listening and observing for all of the negative and positive signs of my marriage. I have been hopeful and keeping faith that things will work out the way they are supposed to. That may not be what I wanted, but it may be what is best for me. All of the little things my wife has displayed and the things I've been lucky enough to find, show me that at this very moment in time, it is not meant for my wife and I to be together. Thinking back to all of the negative things she's done, all the lies, putting her own happiness in front of everyone else's, the lack of remorse, has shown me that I deserve better.

Today she tells me that she has an appointment at 4pm to see her counselor. I still have a keylogger on the computer, but I haven't been checking it much. Today I happened to glance at my email and activity pops up that she was on there at 4:30. Her therapist is 20 minutes away. I think that put the nail in the coffin for me. It didn't anger me or hurt me. It just helped me come to a decision that she isn't ready for me. Logically it's a choice that I have to make in the final hour of our divorce.

I carried her to the finish line. I dragged her kicking and screaming and said I am here for you. I will love you and support you whether you ask me to or not. I will see this through til the end. Once that last day hits and we are no longer married, I know I will have done what I could to save my marriage. I will no longer text or call. I will only communicate through email unless it's an emergency or she wants to come back. No more hanging out. No more dinners. She will only get what money I'm required to pay. I told my wife these things, but I don't think it sunk in.

So when tomorrow comes, I'm sure it will be tough, but I think this is how it's supposed to be. There is a bigger plan for my life. I am going to find out what that is.

I'm sorry GJM.

So will you go to Plan B?

The communicating by email will keep the wound open.

An IM to protect you? Even John in SAA went into Plan B. What do you think?

I have weighed the pros and cons of plan B and as much as I would like to, it's not possible. My kids are very active. I am not willing to miss events because I don't want to see her. I can place myself in areas that are not near her, but I'm at the forefront of everything. I coach my son's football team and I know she will be at the games. My daughter has her promotion ceremony in June and we will both be there. The last thing I need is for her to throw that in my face because of PB. I will make as little contact as possible, but will have to share events with her. I don't see any other way around it.

GJM, I just emailed the radio program about similar questions with Plan B. In Surviving an Affair Dr. Bill says that there should be a time limit to it, but I know on the forums there seems to be different advice. I will definitely share any feedback I get. Maybe if you email them your concerns that would help.

As for me, at this point, I'm planning on a one month minimum plan B, starting at a date where I know I won't miss any school functions (it'll be right after our son's preschool graduation and church bridging ceremony). It means I'll have to stop going to church for a month (which is HUGELY difficult for me), but I figure I can commit to that for my mental health. It will also be right after our mediation but before the divorce is finalized, so to the extent it might make a "difference" there is still that chance. But at that point, I know I'll be able to make it airtight, so that's what I can do. And if one month doesn't seem like enough for some reason, I can always continue it. A limited commitment seems possible to me, whereas an infinite one seems too painful (and the cost/benefit analysis of missing functions with my kids v. avoiding contact with my WH does not weigh in favor of plan B, to me anyway).

Hope today goes well for you, GJM, I know this has been a long, hard road. Do you have an actual hearing? Do you have something planned for yourself today, to give yourself something to look forward to or do a little self-care?

Thanks JV. I didn't sleep well last night and I've been thinking about how things could have easily been avoided with communication. I reflect on all the good times we had and the stupid little things that made us distant. I was always one of those people that hated going to bed angry or upset. I would try to solve differences so that they didn't linger for too long because I loved being happy with my W. From the first day I fell in love with my W, I carried it to the present. I always held hands, gave hugs and kisses generously. I am very affectionate and attentive. I always felt connected and never wanted to be away from my W and kids. I guess I was the only one that felt that way.

I know I can't go back in time and change anything, but today has come faster than I thought possible. I don't look forward to this, but have to look at the positives in my life and be thankful for what I do have. I've got great kids, a successful career, two dogs, family close by, friends, the community in which I coach football and my possessions. She is merely one person in this whole world, but she was my whole world.

I will come back later and update what happened at the courthouse.

Gunny,

I also had all of these issues with my kids. And I still did Plan B. Baseball coach. School plays. Parent/teacher conferences.

If you look back at my story, I did these with no problem.

All BSs that have children have the same issues as you brought up. Dr. Harley didnt come up with Plan B just for childless marriages.

You can make it work. I did.

Good luck. And let us know how it goes.

GJM,
We all get that you don't want to shake up the life of your children. You want things to remain as normal for them as possible. You want to be able to have the same life post-divorce as pre-divorce. But is that a realistic expectation?

The reality of it all is their lives will be shaken up. Their lives will change, even more than it has already.

I know you have your doubts and I think everyone who enters plan b has them. But I think you should recognize that you are not responsible for these changes. You didn't have any choice in the matter.

You can try to hold on to the family that once was but it is no longer a family.

(hugs)
I hope all went as easy as it could have.
Give yourself some time, regroup and be grateful and hopeful for your future.
Just because your w will be around doesn't mean you can't keep your distance.
A new normal starts today.

Hope this helps GJM.
Mortarman update

I've read all his threads. Thanks

GJM, how did today go?