Thanks for all the excellent suggestions. I will take them all on board and work on my redraft today/tomorrow.

BrainHurts... yes, going to try and schedule more time. Am thinking about offering a family kyaking day next weekend when he's not working.

Hi BV. i'm a BH like your husband, and though i do not have much to offer at this point advice-wise you should know that there are a ton of us out here on MB who would give our arms for a remorseful wife such as yourself. i'm rooting for you in your effort to recover your marriage and your family. please ignore posters like Tom. take him with large amount of salt (not a grain). normally i know i too can be harsh at times, but in my sitch i have mostly moved beyond the anger which was permeating my life.

your H, very simply, is afraid of being hurt. it's that simple. he cannot bring himself to believe you. it is via your actions that you will show him that he CAN believe you. i have repeatedly looked for signs that my wife is even exhibiting a small amount of remorse only to find that she is anything but. i accept that now. it will probably never happen and i have to move on with my life. i will be following your sitch and if i happen to notice anything that can be of assistance to you i will post it. wishing you the best of luck.

Fantastic BV. Keep us updated.

Sounds like fun. Make all the plans and put lots of effort and Plan A work into it. I'm pulling for you to make a large deposit in his LB.

BV,

You remind me so much of myself a few short months ago. In addition my H was acting very similar to yours. He was pretty much done with me. I, like you did not want to give up on my marriage or myself. You are doing a wonderful job of truly taking in the advice that is being given go you.

I believe you are sincere. Just don't give up listening no matter what happens. I am praying for you to have strength. Take one day at a time. Your H had built a pretty big wall, it will take time and your effort to help tear it down.

Best advice I ever got.....baby steps!

BV, as a BH myself (twice I might add), I would like to echo the sentiments above by savemymarriage.

I know I posted a little bit harshly to you before but I was just wanting to see where your head really was in all this talk of righting your wrong. Really nothing more than that.

Agree completely with smm. Your husband doesn't trust you right now, and frankly he has no reason to. Would you trust him if he did to you what you did to him? It's now up to you to give him a reason if you're serious about this but, hon, it won't happen overnight. Strap yourself in and buckle down tight for the long haul if this is what you really want. Been said many times here, you're in a marathon, not a sprint. So sad that people don't understand this from the beginning. So much easier to fix what you have than to have to radically repair what you thought you didn't have, but really did!

Yep, you crushed your husband, and you have a buttload of work to make it right. But I'm getting the feeling that you are in the mindset that is what you really want and are sincere about it. Again though, it's going to be a long ride, so are you ready for it?

We're talking possibly years here. Are you really up for this? Because if not, then let him go. He doesn't deserve anymore trauma than you have already laid in his lap. He sounds like he's finally getting a grip on his life, so if you're not seriously committed to this, then don't even start. Please don't toy with his heart anymore.

You have no idea the pain of this level of betrayal. None. Make sure you're all in, or let him get on with his life.

Thanks so much for the encouragment SMM... and so sorry to hear about your situation. best of luck to you too.

Thanks Fifteenyears! really appreciate your support and prayers.

How are things with you now? I will have to see if i can find your story on here

Tigerwes..

Thanks. I am ALL IN, for the long haul. There is nothing I want more and will wait as long as it takes. I'd already been warned by his parents that he may need to date several girls to come back around to me. I'm willing to go through that. The prize at the end of the pain will be worth it.

I just found this list on another thread. It's great!

Group A- Serious threats
Includes- OW, OM, any and all past lovers, old girl/boyfriends even if no sex was involved in the relationship, any known strippers prostitues or similar occupations, people we know to be generally flirty or have bad boundaries

Response- NO CONTACT with OM and OW, for the others avoid contact if at all possible and if there must be contact keep it as brief as possible and tell your spouse about it immediately. If you find yourself thinking about dreaming about or fantasizing about someone like this discuss it with your spouse.

Group B-High Threats
Includes- Anyone that is "needy" or desiring help especially if they are having marital problems, anyone that you find physically attractive, anyone who seems to be flirting with you or desiring to be around you more than is necessary, childhood friends of the opposite sex, this also can include anyone in your spouses family that you find attractive, you must be honest both with your spouse and yourself as to who is a threat.

Response- do not help anyone of the opposite sex with marital problems or allow them to help you with yours without your spouse present, do not have friendships with people of the opposite sex. limit contact with these people to nothing more than is needed to be polite, do not discuss life, hobbies, interests or anything else with these people

Group C- Threats
Includes- Anyone that is old enough or still young enough to be sexually active.

Response- do not be alone with them, do not flirt with them or allow them to flirt with you,
do not be overly friendly with them and remember that even an unattractive person can become attractive to you if you let them meet EN's. They should not be on your Facebook etc and they should not have your contact info (phone number, email address etc)

Group D- Low Threats
Includes- the elderly and people too young to be considered sexually mature

Response- Can be alone with them if they need assistance but try and have someone else present if possible to avoid accustations of abuse or molestation

Group E- No Threat
Includes- dead people and people that are known to be gay or blood relatives

Response- pretty much anything goes, they are safe

Velvet,

"I'd already been warned by his parents that he may need to date several girls to come back around to me. I'm willing to go through that. The prize at the end of the pain will be worth it."

Totally wrong! You are wiling to experience your H's adultery now in hope that you will win him back??? I realy question this. Yea I was harsh on you, but - you were harsh on your H. It does not mean that I do not hope and pray for the best for you in terms of saving your M. But, it also does not mean that you should allow your H to now to go outside of your marriage, no matter what he feels.

From your last few posts it seems that you have made some progress, and that is good, however, I thing you should at least attempt to consult with the Harley's.

I have seen a couple of people post 'take me with a grain of salt' etc. Velvet, my W and I have been married for 43 years. It's a difficult situation now with her having to be in a nursing home and us separated. There is no bitterness on my part as 'savemymarr' suggested, just sadness that we cannot be together any longer.

It's easy for many to judge on here because we are anonymous - we do not know the other person. However, this is simply a modern way of communicating, and it does not mean that we should not care about the person on the other end.

I hope that you do prove me wrong based on my original comment , and I have a feeling that you will, which would be great as a young married couple. It will take both you and him tho, with your efforts to do this.

Tom

BV,

Dr Harley says that we are ALL wired to have an affair. Once you realise this and keep your boundaries high, there is no need to act somewhat differently around different people. It has to be a general rule. And btw, siblings and direct blood relatives are also a threat, there have been people here who have witnessed this in real life and suffered tremendously. Please read this: Copying with Infidelity. Part 1. How do affairs begin?

BV, how is it going?

Hi there,

Haven't posted in a week or so now. Busy at work and been a pretty painful time emotionally last few days. I have not yet sent my apology letter but it's finally going in the post today. I'm terrifed of being rejected again which has kept me frozen and unable to move.

Tom - I have just read your post, thanks for your kind words. Yes, I have just realised that him 'dating' basically means him having affairs (if there is an emotional connection), and while i desperately don't want that to happen I figure i can't actually stop him.

As far as seeing the Harleys - pretty much impossible since i live in NZ. I did email them a week/10 days ago but have not had a reply. I can imagine they have alot of emails every day!

I am seeing an excellent counsellor once a fortnight. She has told me to concentrate on prayer atm... and getting everyone i know to pray for his heart to soften and turn back towards me. She reminded me that the decision is his to make because of free will, but prayer can ensure that things happen along the way that will influence his decision.

I'm just in the middle of reading the book "I do, again" by the Scruggs. Excellent read. Want to go finish it now instead of working!

Hope all you mothers had a lovely day yesterday - oh, maybe that's today for you in the US?

We've had a few posters having a real difficult time of getting their emails through.

Notify the MODS and let them know what email address you sent it from.

Please keep trying to get a hold of the Harleys.

Hang in there. You did the right thing for the apology letter and even if you aren't able to save your M you can hold your head higher because you are starting to live your life with some grace. Nothing is wrong with that, correct?

Thanks BrainHurts.

Letter about to go in the post!

Good job!! We will be here for you. Hang tough, my friend.

Did you notify the MODS of your email to the Harleys?

I will do.

How do I get more information on the weekend seminars? Can't seem to find anything on the website...? If they don't do seminars in australasia/pacific i'm gonna petition them to come over!

They don't do the weekend seminars anymore that is what the online program is now.

Thats a shame, seems like a weekend seminar would work better.

Am going to search and ask around to see if anywhere in my country do this. I think my BH would be more amenable to a weekend away - paid by me - than doing an online seminar!

I would try to do MB coaching.

Letty is n NZ and she coached with Steve Harley and she's on her way to recovery.