I second this - I think it's an excellent point. If you believe in heaven or an afterlife, then I'm certain you would believe the man himself would know of your love for him and that whether or not you attend his formal funeral is of little consequence to him or the caring you share. Send a card so other loved ones feel your love - tactful, allows you to express caring.

As an adult child of divorced parents, I'll say this;


When my mom and dad do the "play nice" crap, it gives me the willies.

My mother's waywardness wrecked their marriage, and somehow (maybe through 25 years and 4 kids - and two failed pregnancies) my dad never wanted to divorce and I'll catch him mumbling about still loving her 15+ years after they divorced.


My dad does it "for the kids."


Dad, I'm 33. Don't need ya to play nice anymore.






Here is what is "for the kids;"


Teaching them that you do not, for any reason, tolerate so much as the presence of someone who is disrespectful and abusive to you - even if it is their father/mother/uncle/aunt/grandma/grandpa.


/ rant



and... done.


Thanks for the key-up, Mels!

HHH - thanks for sharing from a child's perspective, I had only considered the negative impact (what they had lost/missing now)on my children given pre A we had a happy marriage and family and attended all children's events together.

The kids have lost, no doubt. But you didn't do it. My kids are to the point of just feeling relieved when they don't have to see pinoke, either. He just makes everyone miserable with his darkness. It's a reminder that their dad is not their dad anymore, worse than if he just didn't show.

Pinoke's mother had an A and left his dad (after 31 years of marriage) a year after we were married. Married the A partner (who also left his wife, incidentally - the 4 had been "friends.") I cannot tell you the tension when our children were little of trying to have both his parents at anything - birthdays, holidays - ugly and awful for everyone. Then his mother tried the "well you should go 3 places every holiday." We tried that too. Misery dragging little kids all over.

We, and most of my WH's siblings, finally just decided - she broke up the family, why should everyone else keep paying for it? She could spend her holidays with her blissful affairage to keep her happy.

So we alternated between my parents, and his dad, throwing his mother in occasionally. But it was SOOOO much less stressful for all of us when we quit worrying about her and did what was best for us and our children. I know MIL's kids were adults, but this goes into future generations if they don't shape up. It was still horrible on her kids. Point is, it's not your fault, it's WH. Sucks, but he did it. Throw him under the bus where he is happy to throw you and the kids, and realize that until he shapes up, the kids are better off without him too.

Sad that PInoke has managed to forget all this, isn't it? FOGFOGFOG . . .

He gets so mad that I've told the kids, but I tell them all the time, "Remember what this feels like, and vow never to do this to your own family."

I third this. You can be a bright spot in his dying days, which is far more benefit to him and his wife than attending a funeral after he's gone.

Write another note to the wife afterwards as well, reiterating how much her husband meant to you, and your continuing support for her.

WH is a non-topic. Completely irrelevant.

Here, it's the second question.
Radio Clip on Attending Graduation of a DS During Plan B