Hoping.

Don't talk yourself into settling for crumbs.

Waywards are PROS at manipulation. He puts on his puppy-dog look -- and you instantly feel sorry for HIM.

Excuse me? What about YOUR pain? What has he DONE to ease YOUR PAIN?

MB has helped you set the bar high for recovery. Because what you truly want is a RECOVERED marriage -- not one in which you SETTLE.

So do not -- DO NOT -- lower that bar because he has a puppy-dog look, or a sad voice, tosses you a CRUMB.

You will only have a happily recovered marriage if both of you are willing to work the MB plans.

RECOVERY IS DAMN difficult EVEN WHEN BOTH SPOUSES ARE TRYING HARD !!!!

POJA is one of the most important tools for recovery.
There can be no POJA without honesty.

So, PORH must come first, before you can POJA solutions.

Since WH cannot get on board with RH, the train stops at that station until he can get on board with RH.

Remember POJA is successful only when both spouses are honest about what they want, and what they do not want.

The following is irrelevant !!!!


The burden of proof in on him, not on you !
A man with the right attitude says:

"I will do WHATEVER IT TAKES, for as long as it takes, to make things right."

This includes a poly if a poly makes you feel safe.

Right now, his resistance to the poly says to me (and everyone else) that his need to avoid the poly takes priority over "doing whatever it takes" to help you feel safe after his betrayals.

You know I'm right.

Round two ......

Here is a trick.

Whenever you catch yourself doing the "what if" thinking trap .... finish the sentence like this ....

"What if green monkeys fly outta my butt?"

And, the next time you fall into the "what if" trap .... change the color and the animal.

"What if orange crocodiles fly outta my nostrils.?"

You'll see how asking "what if" is wishful thinking, OR "what if" can be the opposite, self sabotage of your plans based on fear.

Ding, ding.Hoping copy this and read it daily.

Sometimes, it is useful to view things from the underside .....

I will share my husband with other women.
I am not strong enough to insist on a non-abusive marriage.
I am a wonderful wife/mother/friend and I will tolerate being mistreated.
I will share my life with a dishonest man.
I will not protect myself physically or emotionally.
I am not strong.
I will not learn the lessons I need to learn.
I will not live by my values and I will give in to weakness and sin.
I am not grateful for any blessings.
I am not perfect, and I will not make efforts to improve.
I am not in control of my attitude.

HOPING,

He won't agree to POLY because he is still hiding somthing.

Can you live with the doubt that is already in your mind and it is only Plan B Day 1?

You reposted a post from Pepperband that stated 'You are certain you will not live your life married to an dishonest man' (something along those lines) If your marriage means that much to him and he "just wants to be with you again", he will schedule the poly himself. He will dig deep in his soul and say, "I have allowed the minions of deceit to rule me for too long and I am ready to start anew".

If you are willing to endure more about his sordid affairs, and his wayward lifestyle, GET THE POLY DONE!...yesterday!

My DW put it this way....
"If you are in this for the long haul
you will take the poly. I need some
reassurance in order to make a decision
as to whether I move forward or not. I
have been told so many lies I don't know
what to believe. Award me the opportunity
to see you are willing to be open and honest
in our marriage and I can trust you and I
will make my decision about our future."

My DW stood her ground and "allowed" me to take the POLY instead of putting me out on my azz. Had she not, no telling where we would be today. There were some last minute confessions but my DW knows the truth on the issues important in the restoration of our marriage.

Our relationship is better than I have ever imagined it could be and for that, I owe it all to a persistent W who would not back down.
Hang in there. He needs to take the POLY for the both of you.

Excellent post !!!!

Pep,
Good timing.
Your posts are always so dag-gum good.
Good word!(Again)

Check in regularly Hoping - it will help!

Look at this one ....


.... and ask yourself:

"Self, what are the lessons I need to learn while working Plan B?"

Scotty could answer this for you .... but I think you're one smart cookie & can work this out yourownself!

Oooh I like this one better. It gives me chills.

Hoping, whenever you think of your H with his soft words and even softer inaction (oh honey I'm sorry I cant give you everything such as your unreasonable demand you be equal!!!) Just picture him sliding this evil pledge acrosss the desk for you to sign.

The deal he has on the table is: sign the evil pledge and I will coo affectionate words your way sometimes (in between IB and AOs and adultery)

Thank you for the overwhelming show of support.

My day has been hard but you have all helped me stick to my resolve and get through (half) of Plan B day 1.

I also like the underside of the affirmations, especially:
"I will share my life with a dishonest man." This sounds terrible to me and I will NOT share my life with a dishonest man.

Please do not abandon me, I will need you for many days to come I can now see.

My mind keeps going over and over our last conversation. He told me that if we split, he will go back to Cuba. This made me feel that maybe all my nagging doubts about his conflict of interest in marrying me (being from Cuba and being able to come to the US by marrying me) were unfounded. Maybe this was just more manipulation? Or maybe he will go back to Cuba, I may never know. I hope one day I won't care if I know.

Instead of going over our conversations, my next step is to try to repeat the mantras instead, or at least interrupt the conversations with them. Thanks for posting them again Pep.

I just scheduled a massage for 5pm. I even bought a package of 4, which I will most definitely be using in the next 2-4 weeks. This I could not have done before Plan B because I didn't want to break POJA. WH thinks massages are too pricey and only agreed to an occasional one during my fertility treatments. I think they are heaven and worth every penny.

One of the first perks of Plan B, discovered on Day 1.

Excellent Plan Bing!



Look at you grow!

That hope is entirely within your control, too.

I just encountered a crack in my plan B, already. I admit that I enabled it and need to stop that.

I texted my new cell# to friends and a mutual friend of myself and WH responded asking how we are doing. I told him what has happened and he said "OMG WH told me that he had already told you about that!" I responded "About what?" and mutual friend proceeded to tell me about an entirely separate incident where WH had made a pass at a married acquaintance of ours. She rejected him and called our mutual friend crying the next day. Mutual friend confronted WH and he swore later he had told me and we had "worked it out." So of course I never found out about it. The acquaintance's husband has forbid my WH from entering there home again.

Well after finding this out I cried and felt like an idiot for being so blind. What makes it worse is that the acquaintance and her hubby are patients of mine and both very kind. I know I shouldn't have encouraged the friend to tell me, but it has relieved some of guilt and doubtful thoughts. I now feel that Plan B was completely warranted and my WH is so wayward he wouldn't know his [censored] from a hole in the wall.

And of course, WH was still lying to me up to the day I started Plan B. I feel that I dodged a bullet by finding out about his infidelities. He has a pattern of predatory and dishonest behavior that would have eventually destroyed my life.

Yes indeed. Sorry you heard about more of his crap. But so glad you are handling it well.

Why didn't this couple TELL you???

Why are people so scared?

Ugh, it drives me nuts how many nice, moral people look the other way and enable waywards

That should only strengthen your resolve to stick to Plan B. Now you know one of the reasons he didn't want polygraph.

Yay on the massage, attagirl!

Indeed. 'Degrading' my eye!

They didn't tell me because he told everyone else that he told me all about it and I was "ok" with it. They believed him and didn't want to meddle. How embarrassing. This whole time these two thought I was "ok" with this. I'm going to text the woman and let her know that I'M NOT OK WITH IT and I'm currently not in communication with WH over similar behavior.

Massage was fantastic by the way and I have 3 more.