OK here goes. I have been reading RocketQueens thread and really see a lot of similarities in our stories. I didn�t want to highjack her thread so I thought I would post this in my own and hopefully receive some guidance or a swift kick in the rear, whatever it is I need.

To summarize my story, I found out in September that my husband was having an EA with a girl he met playing the online game World of Warcraft. This would be the fourth time we have been through this in 14 years of marriage. I was at my wits end, not knowing what to do, etc as most BS are when they find out something like this. My WH was very upset with me, said a lot of mean, ugly, nasty things (from my perception) such as, he was not attracted to me anymore, he did not like the person I had become, I didn�t reply to his flirts, texts etc so he found someone who would. He was going to give the relationship one more chance so if it failed no one could say he didn�t give it his all.

A few weeks later while basically for the lack of a better term, obsessing over the other times this has happened I entered EA # 3 email address into facebook just to see what would come up, what I found was someone who worked for the same state agency as my husband, the same female he had told me was just a friend and he had on his payroll when he had his own business. I had for all these years thought EA # 3 was some anon chick on the internet which ended the minute I found out about it, I had even seen the email he sent stating it was over etc. She basically made up a fake email address to keep talking to him so I would not realize they were in fact the same person. This EA went on for four years. This is what I am having the most difficulty getting over, I feel tricked, used, betrayed and most of all stupid for not picking up the signs. Everything that happened during those four years for me now are tainted, I hate to even look at family pictures or listen to songs on the radio from that time period it brings back memories of being tricked into believing I had a husband who loved me when in fact my husband was just roommates with me.
I found marriage builders though a goggle search and have been reading the forums and articles here for months, along with the books His Needs, Her Needs and Fall in Love, Stay in Love. I have explained the basic concepts to my husband, we have completed the EN and LB questionnaires, and have begun to spend at least 15 UA time together a week. My husband tells me he is happier than he has ever been in the marriage, and for me to keep doing what I am doing. I have to admit that our relationship today is much better than our relationship this time last year.

The problem then? I feel so much resentment towards him, and for the wasted time that has been 14 years! It breaks my heart to now learn that when we married my husband was not �in love� with me, and from what he told me last night has never been � in love� with me, this is something he is just starting to feel now. When I ask him if he is �in love� with me he just replies, �I like you more and more everyday� . Then turns around and tells me that he feels he wants our marriage to work more than I do because, �you have had the feeling of being complete, I am just now starting to feel it�.

When we talk about love banks, he tells me that he knows that his account in my love bank is much lower than my account in his bank, and he can never catch up so he is not even going to try. There is no way to make up for what he has done so he is not even going to try. That the spark in my eyes when he first married me, he killed it, and he knows he can never bring it back, so he is not even going to try. He tells me that he was addicted to the chase during these affairs, that I was his �solid� and there was nothing to chase with me anymore. I feel like with a lot of effort in his part, our love banks could be equal, he could make amends and that �spark� I had for him would return with a greater intensity. That this could and should be his �chase� and challenge.

We work on meeting each other�s EN�s. His top three are Domestic Support, intimate Conversation, and Physical Attractiveness. Mine are Affection, Honesty and Conversation. He tells me I am doing a great job in meeting his needs, when I talk to him about what I need from him to feel as if my needs (especially for Affection) are being met, he tells me that he is meeting my needs, just not in the way I want him to meet them?!?!? He is not a touchy, feely person, I explained to him there are other ways to show affection besides touching someone, such as flowers, texts, phone calls etc, he tells me he knows that and he has ideas I am just not giving him the chance to implement them. He will kiss me before leaving for work, the days I am working from home he will come home for lunch, there are times when he will sit and watch a TV show with me during the week and then the 15 hours of UA time we spend together. These are all things he/we never did before during our marriage.

If we ever go off into a discussion about the resentment I feel (it appears he had no problem showing these other females affection in the form of texts, emails, phone calls) he pulls the �I thought we were so much further than were we seem to be now, I need to reevaluate where we are. I am so much further ahead than you are, I got move backwards now to I don�t pass you� Then he will pull the, �if you are not past this by December (our 15th wedding Anniversary) we are not renewing our vows, I am not starting off on a rocky foundation with you again�. When he says these things I feel scared. Scared he will go back and do the same things as before, scared that he will stop doing the positive things that he is doing now.
If I cry during the conversations, he just looks at me with this �oh no not this again� look on his face. He tells me his not going to beg and grovel to make amends to me, that he could go just like I could go. I understand FW�s don�t like to bring up the past, this causes them shame and guilt, etc. I just feel like I shouldn�t be feeling like he is doing me the favor by staying.

So I guess my question is, am I asking for too much? Should I just be grateful that I have a much better relationship than I did a year ago, and move on? Or am I right in feeling that he need s to make more effort in trying to �fix� the mess he created?

I am sorry for such a long post.

Welcome and sorry for your pain.

You have resentment because you've never healed from his multiple affairs.

I think his EA#3 was most likely physical.

Who are these OW? Were they married? Who were his affairs exposed to?

There's a road to recovery but the narrow path needs to be followed.

ikahead,

I agree. This affair was not only EA, but PA as well. Also, from his list of ENs, I would suspect that it has not ended or has ended recently. Your H sounds very foggy.

Do they work together?

If you haven't read it, please take a look at the book, "Surviving an Affair".

AM

I have a nagging feeling EA# 3 was PA as well. Of course he deny's it. During this time when he worked for himself he traveled very closed to where she lived ( 3 hours away), also I can't see how a single female could hold on to someone that long and not be get anything out of it but phone calls, texts, and emails.

The last EA I did expose to the OP boyfriend. EA #3 was not married and it ended so long ago I didn't really think to expose to anyone. The first two, one when we were first married, exposed to her parents (she was still living at home) and her parents were the one who helped stop contact. The second time, they were anon females on the internet he had met in chat rooms. I have no idea who they were or what their real names were.

Armymama,

They work for the same agency (State) different counties three hours apart. There is no contact whatsoever between them. I feel confident that the relationship has ended and been over for awhile (2007). I have snooped into all his emails, texts etc and found no evidence that they are still in contact.

EA # 4 after I exposed her to her boyfriend and bascially told her off she has dropped out of site, erased her entire presence from the internet.

If foggy means not really accepting responsibilty for what was done I feel he is Foggy as well.

What EP's has he put in place?

Is he transparent?

I'd have him take a poly. How much UA time are you getting?

15 hours UA time a week.

He will not write his EP's down, they are:

No playing On line multi player games

No personal relationships with members of opp sex (unless work related this is something we are trying to work out, I say period, he says he has to have work related personal relationships with females since he is in a female dominated field)

No calls, texts, emails of sexual nature to females

No flirting

No lunches outside work meeting with females

He is not transparent in giving me all passwords to accounts etc, he just leaves his accounts up on his computer and will leave his phone lying around. He would not do this in the past.

I also must confess, while he says he is doing these things now, he does not buy into the idea that this is a lifetime change. He believes this is something he needs to do until I trust him again.

No wonder you still have resentment. He hasn't given you JC. He needs to give you his passwords.

So does he think "he just has to appease you" until he can go back to his cheating ways?

Is he repentant?

Have you read this? How can trust be restored after an affair

As I said earlier, your H sounds very foggy. Are you certain these affairs are as old as you said above? You said it was over and that you had checked his emails. Then you said that your H would not share all his passwords with you.

I agree with the suggestion of a polygraph. Something is not right here.

Your H is leaving himself a huge amount of wiggle room to start a new affair. He wants to be independent enough to have a "secret second life" any time he wants.

You may also want to take a look at the articles, "When to call it quits". But, first read the book, "Surviving an Affair".

To me your H sounds like he had no remorse for what he has done to you and is manipulating you into thinking that you are in the wrong. Of course he is enjoying your marriage now because he allowing his taker to suck you dry on love units.

Are you guys working the program together? My BH hates to read but I read to him sometimes and always share information with him about MB. Your H still sounds like a cake eater to me.

I haven't ask for a polygraph, D-day was awhile ago and I thought by now I should be in the don't bring up the affairs mode.

When I went through the emails, it was the accounts he left open on his computer, I also put a trial edition of a key logger on his computer early on and didn't find any evidence of a secret account.

I will order the SAA book, and read the links mentioned. Thanks so very much for the words of advice and for the feeling that I am not so crazy after all.

Ika,

You are not crazy at all. You need to feel safe in your marriage and your H has not even begun to provide you with that. It sounds like he is using. trickle truth on you. Yes, Dr. H does say that once the affair is revealed that it should not keep coming up. However, it seems to me that your H has not revealed the entire truth to you.

I think it is great that you are spending time together and meeting his ENs, but one of your top ENs is honesty. I do not feel that he is being honest with you. I was a WW so I am on the same end of the affair as your husband. True remorse is honesty, accountability for what you did to your family by having the affair, making a list of EPs (FOR LIFE NOT JUST FOR AWHILE), and meeting ALL of your spouses ENs.

There are three articles in this series.
When To Call it Quits

Please read this. Please Explain Gaslighting

BH, you are awesome!!!

Awww thanks

Will your WH call the coaching center?

Please listen to these radio clips.
Radio clip on trying to recover from his many affairs
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4

To recover from infidelity:

1. No Contact for life with affair partner

2. Extraordinary precautions for life so that it is not possible to conduct another affair

3. Transparent and integrated lifestyle

4. Build a romantic passionate marriage, one that is better than pre-A (this is Just Compensation.)

Dr. Harley often talks about the Policies of Joint Agreement and Radical Honesty. Without these two very important policies instituted and followed FOR LIFE as the foundation of a marriage, the marriage will continue to be dangerous.

I would not have stayed had not my FWH agreed to every one of these concepts. It wouldn't have been worth it.

Here is the list of EPs we have built. We go over these periodically as a reminder.

1.) No contact ever again with Affair Partner
2.) Total Transparency:
a. Email passwords shared
b. Accounting for all time and money
c. Eliminate all social networking sites, except for shared FB account
3.) No communicating with a female in any other way than the necessary professional manner needed for work
4.) No intimate conversations with a female (no conversations about anything personal, such as likes, dislikes, marriage, music, etc)
5.) No flirting, no inappropriate conversations or jesting. No �boobs or butts� comments ever.
6.) No business mentoring with a woman.
7.) Women must be at least an arm's length away.
8.) No porn, no �adult� clubs or shops, no chat rooms
9.) No nights apart.
10.) No recreational activities with the opposite sex.
11.) No interactive online games.
12.) No terms of endearment of any kind, except for those in our immediate family

BH,

Just on the three entry on the Gaslighting thread and that describe's my husband to a T! He is always telling me I "spin things to the negative" when I question or challenge what he says to me.

Back to finish reading...Thanks so very much to all of you, you have been a God send :-)

fifteenyears,

My husband won't read the books but will listen to me when I share with him what I have read. The problem comes up when he disregards that with what he doesn't agree with. I know this is why I am still feeling so scared, I feel that if he is truly remorseful and understands the damage that has been done he would do whatever to try and repair it.