OK WH just called my mom, asked for me, and when she wouldn't put me on the phone he asked how I was.

Maybe she shouldn't answer the phone when he calls because I live with my parents and will most likely hear the conversation and then know that he called her.

Have your parents ignore and/ or to tell him he knows what to do from your Plan B letter.

I am about to go to bed. This concludes the exhausting and (mostly) horrifying end of Plan B day 1. I survived.

Plan B Day 1 NC with WS. Identified holes in PB, and ways to correct them. That, my friend, is a GREAT PB day 1. Good job.

I agree, well done!

Plan B Day 2

I woke up this morning with a new emotion: ANGER.

I think this is a break through for me. I don't like feeling angry, but it's part of the recovery and healing process.

I am so angry with him. I can't believe he lied and lied, making me feel like an IDIOT, a bad wife, cruel, and guilt ridden for insisting on a polygraph for the past two months only to find out (as my gut told me) that there was another infidelity, of course! The guilt and doubts were killing me and he KNOWINGLY made me feel that way. My suspicions tell me there is so much more and this is just the tip of the iceberg. I no longer feel guilty. I no longer feel sad for him. I no longer want to protect him.

He is so utterly dishonest, he humiliated me and then lied and covered his [censored] over and over again. After finding out from his friend yesterday, I now know he was making moves on other (married) women while we were trying to conceive, while I was at home with a broken leg, while I was going through soul destroying infertility treatments. All the while leading me to believe he was a kind, loving husband, worthy of being the father of my children.

I am grateful to this friend of ours, he truly a good person. He told me that the incident I found out about yesterday was the reason he stopped spending time with WH. Sadly, he also said that he'd had complaints from other friends about inappropriate suggestions and behavior from my WH that I never knew about. He didn't know the detail, but I think that's really all I need to know. I'm so glad all of these women (that I know about) are honest and rejected his advances. However, this makes me wonder about the ones I don't know that perhaps accepted. He is a very attractive, charismatic man.

Oh look at you go. I'm loving this progress with you.

When I got into Plan B, I looked into the five stages of grieving:

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance...

I found that I more or less went through these stages, in order (although apparently they dont necessarily happen in order) but then also sometimes i would see a repeat of some of the stages. Like occasionally I will still have an angry day or moment. And though I dont have depressed moments any more there are days which just feel a bit duller and I dont sleep as well which I would say is the depression returning, but thinned out.

You're doing great and you seem to be taking a pride in your plan and your decision to stand up for, and demand the truth.

The only advice I will give is to not get used to any particular feeling. There are sharp changes, so expect that.

One day you will feel empowered and angry, the next you will be curled up weeping feeling like you are being kicked in the stomach.

Its tough work, but temporary, and you can do it.

There is an entire army of MBers cheering for you, H11, to rock this Plan B.

I personally have hope your WH could turn himself around.
He can't won't do that unless he is highly motivated.
Plan B is either going to motivate him to change for the better, or not.
It's out of your hands.
Plan B stops you from being dragged behind his insanity bus.

Friend who told me about the new infidelity yesterday called me up to see how I am doing. He also told me he talked to WH and WH is planning on coming to Minnesota at the end of the month. I repeated to him that I cannot hear any messages about WH or even know when they speak to each other.

But the damage is done and I now know that WH is planning to make a grand gesture of visiting at the end of the month. That will be very hard for me and I can feel some guilt feelings coming on. I will let him see the dog but will make myself scarce so I don't need to confront him. I will give my parents instructions on what to do if he shows up at the door. This is my counter defense but now I'm nervous about this possible encounter. It also makes me sad because I would really like to see him and give him a big hug but I know that I can't.

Aw heck, truth is, after all he's done, I'd still like to spend the weekend with him if he's here to visit. It makes me sad that I can no longer do this and I will miss my last opportunity to do so.

Help! I wish I wasn't having these desires but this is how I feel! I hope he decides not to come so I don't have to feel this way.

Plan to go someplace with the dog the end of the month.
Screw WH's visit.

1) Never take the word of a wayward. WH is used to words of what he is PLANNING to do having so much effect on you that he never bothers to actually follow through with actions. (Remember when he said he'd POJA? As long as he got everything he wanted and you didnt?)

Basically he's hoping you're still listening to gossip and simply the idea of his plans to travel and sweep you off your feet will sweep you off you feet without his feet ever needing to leave Texas.

If he was really planning a 'grand gesture' to manipulate you out of Plan B, he would have been on a plane last night and wouldn't have told your friend (he was hoping this friend would tell you) - he would have made it a surprise.

2) He will make the actual the visit if the news pf the visit doesnt work on you. This is as predictable as the sun rising and why I asked you what you would do if you prepared for it.

He will do it, because he had a nice, cushy accountability free life with you and it is worth getting on a plane to get that back. To get back what HE wants, at the expense of YOUR hapiness.

When he weighs up whether it is worth getting on a plane for you, he will come to the following conclusions.

Getting on a plane doesnt involve telling you the truth
Getting on a plane won't prevent his ability to have future affairs
Getting on a plane wont mean he has to start considering your feelings
Getting on a plane wont prevent him controlling you with AOs, guilt and lies

(Few airlines demand that people are honourable in the personal relationsips before they fly. Your IM however has stricter standards - the ones you set)

When he considers how much you can do for him, and that he wont have to give up doing any of the above, he will conclude that it is worth getting on a plane for you.



What on earth for?

Plan B means you dont consider his feeings at all. Youve also expressed concern that he would steal the dog. I also assume he wouldnt be allowed over the threshhold, so where would he see the dog?

Plus, he knew he was risking access to his dog (not to mention you) when he had his affairs, and he was perfectly happy to risk it.


This is just a Pavlovian reaction for you. Whenever he made the slightest effort or did anything for you in the past, he made out like it was such a sacrifice for him. He made you feel like you owed him something thrice the value back.

Is his enduring the inconvience of a flight really worth you giving up a life that could be lived happily and honestly? A chance for the marriage to be honest and happy?



Well, you're human and youre not through withdrawal yet. You still have a very physical response to the idea of being near your addiction. So what if the drug was bad for you? the addiction whispers.. it was a lot of fun!



He will do everything in his power to make you feel 'this way'. All waywards do. It is withdrawal that will save you, not WHs decision or actions.

Camping! Somewhere without phones or internet. Somewhere you can chill out entirely. By then you will have everyone used to Plan B and to not pass on any news.

When you come back you will have no idea if he tried to manipulate you or whether it was all talk, because no one will tell you

Staying dark is always achievable.

Camping! What a great idea. Thanks for the wake up, getting on a plane means he's just trying to manipulate me. He's still not being honest or willing to take a poly. Good grief, this withdrawal is hard. I can't believe the news of him coming from Texas is affecting me so much.

I think I will rent a car and go camping with a friend that weekend. It will be memorial day weekend (I assume he'd come May 25, so I'll be ready) so I better start making the plans now.

Went to the synagogue this morning and planning to go to cirque du soleil tonight with my parents. Am going running now with my sweet puppy.

So glad that the camping idea has stuck.

Get that hole plugged up. You shouldn't know anything anymore. People IRL really won't understand that.

I find it quite interesting that the "friend" immediately called WH after speaking to you, and then called to tell you about it. Sometimes, people don't understand, and they feed off of drama. Remove YOURSELF.

Good point. I was thinking that my boundaries should be higher with this friend, as I am very vulnerable to LB deposits at this point. Maybe I will have my parents correspond with him instead of me or I may need to just ignore his calls.

I think so too. An OS friend who is taking such a personal interest in a married womans thoughts and feelings re her husband is a boundaries issue.

I would choose excessively formal politeness to deal with it and avoid contacting him.

If he contacts you asking to hear how you are, just say OK. Or that you are 'talking it through with girlfriends'. Don't give him any fuel to get a conversation going. He needs to get the message it isn't appropriate for you to discuss this stuff with a man. Don't let the conversation go beyond 'fine' 'ok' or 'thanks for asking but I'm doing fine. Been talking it out with my girlfriends'

If he goes a step further and asks you to talk it out with him, then you'll know his motives are less than pure. If he goes there then don't worry about offending him and just stop responding to him.

Agree you need to protect that lovebank of yours (I heard Joyce say that on the radio show).

You're very vulnerable for a RA(revenge affair). We haven't seen too many recently on the boards but we had a few posters who fell into this.

So you're wiser now and need to protect yourself.

Plan B Day 3

Well yesterday evening didn't go as well as I thought it would. Weekends, and especially weekend evening are hard for me. I thought having plans to see Cirque du Soleil would help but it made me hyperaware of being lonely. Normally I would spend the weekend with WH doing just that type of activity and we'd have lots of fun. He would hold my hand, we would joke and laugh. Instead I was with my parents and strangely felt like a third wheel and a bit childish. It was almost embarrassing to be there with my parents and I love my parents! I missed WH last night and had my first urge to call him but I resisted.

I never realized that I also felt a certain status at being a married woman at an event with my dear hubby. I felt protected and special. Last night I felt I wanted to hide so I wouldn't see anyone I knew and admit I was there "alone." It didn't help that Cirque is always a bit creepy and dramatic with a few laughs interspersed in between the emotional parts. The laughs really helped! I learned from this experience that I will need to stick to only comedies, especially on weekends. And I should stick with going out with friends during the evenings, because then I won't feel childish.

This morning I feel ok, although I slept appallingly late this morning, till almost 11am! My dear dad is making me pancakes and I have plans to go to coffee with a friend and then out to dinner at a new Mexican restaurant with some trusted girlfriends. I don't go back to work for another week. I'm getting a little eager to return to work (I've been off since 5/1) but I do have one shift next week and that'll be a good transition to going back full time.

Sorry you are feeling the sadness.
Keep going out and being with people though.
It is better than not doing so.