Your wife cannot remain friends with POSOM's sister. It's a trigger.

I had to end a 17 year friendship with my POSOM's sister and I was friends with her BEFORE I had my affair with her brother.

It's so sad but your wife has to let go. It shouldn't be hard since she doesn't have a history with his sister.

My wife and I met in September 2004 and were married in August 2007. We have no children and we have been separated since January 2011. We still live in the same city and communicate on a regular basis. We have positive interactions and negative interactions. We have been with other people sexually during our separation. There is a shared vision to reconcile though the necessary steps are not shared.

My wife has forged a close friendship with a male since we separated (though the friendship started before the separation). While she acknowledges that she has been physically intimate with two other men, she swears nothing has happened with this one particular friend. I'm having a hard time accepting this friendship. I don't know this guy and think my wife is asking me to get to know him so that she can maintain her friendship. My wife is moving to Paris for 6 months for her PhD research and has told me this particular male friend will be coming to visit her for 2 weeks. I am not comfortable with that and my wife is telling me that it's happening, though she may be open to him staying at her place while she stays at another friend's place.

I'm a Christian and I'm struggling with my thoughts on commitment and how much I should endure for the sake of the marriage (e.g., accept this opposite-sex friendship with the expectation that, once I begin to fill my wife's love bank, she will stop seeking deposits from others). However, I also believe that this opposite-sex friendship is a barrier to reconciliation. How do I make deposits? Do I accept the friendship for the sake of the marriage?

Also, Harley writes: "One of the biggest mistakes a betrayed spouse can make is to dwell on the affair. Don't ever bring up the subject after your wife's affair has ended, and you are both working together toward recovery. Every conversation about her affair will make massive Love Bank withdrawals, something you should avoid at all costs."

What is the difference between dwelling on the past mistakes versus asking questions in an open and honest manner to rebuild trust that such actions are not possible?

This is much more concerning to me than this "friendship" you are writing about. And the fact that you tacked it on to the end of your first paragraph, as if it was an after thought. SO, you have BOTH been having affairs, and you are wondering if it is okay to be concerned about this "friend"? Why are you more concerned about this "friend" than any other?

How old are the both of you? Is this the first marriage for both of you? Welcome to MB.

What IS your vision to reconcile?

You are taking Harley's quote out of context. He means you should not bring up the affair after it has ended and AFTER you have all the facts. It is pretty obvious that she is having an affair with her "friend" and that is why she left you.

The guy is married?

Harley also states that if your WW has not ended her affair and/or committed to the marriage after 2 years, that you should move on. I would suggest you are very close to that point now. I would suggest exposing the affair and going into Plan B.

Reconcile? Shoot, reading, I'm trying to figure out how you go about reconciling a marriage that was never truly committed in the first place.

And I just want to clear one little item up...

This is true, but you're quote mining and omitting one major part of the quote. Dr. Harley states this but ONLY after a betrayed spouse has absolutely ALL the details of the adultery necessary for the BS recovery. Once they have that info, then, and only then should it not be brought back up if the hope is to reconcile and recover.

Just want to make sure that someone new to the concepts doesn't take this one little excerpt of a statement as the entire context.

My wife was 23 and I was 25 when we were married. We are now 28 and 30. Neither of us have been married before. We have ended our sexual relationships. They are very concerning for me. I have ended all contact with the other woman I was with and offered to demonstrate it to my wife, including sending a final email for my wife to read. My wife has told me she has ended contact with the two men she was physical with but has not offered to demonstrate because she says it would be opening up contact unnecessarily. I'm not sure where I land on that issue (to reopen the contact or not). I'm currently concerned about the friendship mentioned in the original post because he is male and has been described by my wife as her "best friends". My goal is that she and I take actions to become each other's "best friend".

My vision of reconciliation is that we re-commit to being each others source of love. We have a happy, loving marriage that withstands the threats of others. How we realize that vision is different. I am currently asking for complete openness and transparency. She is showing me her text messages with her friend but is doing so begrudingly. I am offering the same transparency. In the process of rebuilding trust, I think there is a requirement to demonstrate that your actions and your words are aligned.

Thanks. I read the entire article and I understand the progression. Your clarification is helpful.

I cannot prove that she was unfaithful with this friend. She has admitted to being with two other men during our separation and denied that anything has happened with this friend. At this point, while I appreciate that there are signs that there may have been more with this friend, if the only thing she will give me is her word, then the only option I have is to move forward in the marriage is to trust her word. The other option is to accept that the marriage is over, which I struggle with. No, the guy is not married. He was married. He is currently dating and apparently my wife has been helping him with his online dating activities. She does show me her text messages with this friend, though she says she feels uncomfortable being "monitored".

I am still pursuing reconciliation and my wife is still insisting on maintaining a friendship with the other man's sister. In addition, her current best friend is a male. I am uncomfortable with both relationships. I have asked my wife to read the article by Harley titled "Are Friends a Threat to Your Marriage"? She read it to no noticeable avail. In your experience, was there anything that was helpful to you coming to the realization of having to end your friendship of 17 years? What boundaries/measures were taken to ensure adherence to the end of the friendship?

Sorry to be so blunt but by having sexual relationships with outside parties = an inadequate commitment to marriage. No kids, right? You are still young at 30? If your wife could forge a "friendship" with some other man (and I am not even addressing your choice to have sex with other women) then dude wake up. Run while you can. Could you imagine "reconciling" with her now only to discover later that she's cheating with someone else and have to deal with any children? it's not worth your time and effort.

Short story to illustrate the point. Have a close buddy. Young, newly married 2-3 years, no kids. W goes off and has an A with divorced cop w/ 3 kids. eventually they reconcile but she discovers that he was having sex with another woman. His WW couldn't handle that he had done that. LOL. What's good for the goose is apparently not so good for the gander. Your sitch is kinda like that actually bc you've both had sex with other people. More than once, no? So they divorced. My buddy eventually met someone else, they married and now has 3 kids. With the lessons he learned from that 1st marriage his 2nd one is a whole LOT better. This is a sign. You were probably not meant for one another. Save yourself a whole bunch of heartache. I have 5 kids and have dealt with 2 (two!) OM. I'm eff'd. You dont have to be. Forget reconciliation. You can be happy again amigo. Just not with her.

And btw it's ok she "just" had sex with two other guys and you too with other women, but this "friendship" is uncool? Am I missing something? Wish her luck with this fellow and run in the opposite direction. If you are truly Christian, then you need to ponder on the sanctity and meaning of "marriage." Did you not forsake all others? Learn your lesson and move on. Please. You'll regret not doing so. And the more you cling to her the more she'll be "helping" this friend with his "online dating activities." Women hate rejection. Reject your W. She has a new project she's working on. Sorry about the harsh tone but it's all the unmitigated, unedited truth.

and don't know if youve noticed jry, but for the most part your thread has received only the barest number of responses. There's a reason for that. TW said it best: "I'm trying to figure how you go about reconciling a marriage that was never truly committed in the first place."

You should expose your own affair and your WW's affair.

Read this Are Friends a Threat to your Marriage

Do this Exposure 101

And thisHow To Plan B properly
Plan B letter Samples

Please listen to this radio clip of Dr. Harley telling a WW how dangerous opposite sex friendships are.
Radio clip on the dangers of opposite sex friendships

Could you please ask the MODS to merge your two threads? I know one is in Recovery and one thread is in SAA.

Yes. How do I do that? I'm still relatively new to this.

I appreciate your input and want to let you know that I�m not offended or off-put. That is why I joined the forum in the first place and why I am reading my way through the articles on the Marriage Builders website, to learn and gather other perspectives. Every affair is different and therefore it�s the principles that I�m looking for. The only part I want to check with you is that I was discouraged when you wrote that my thread has received only the barest number of responses. My interpretation of this is that my situation is not worth the time of others. Is that what you meant? If not, what did you mean for me to get from that comment?

I see how both my wife and I have demonstrated a lack of commitment to the marriage. Obviously, there are more details and we each had our reasons (irrational as they have proven to be) to engage in those relationships. To date, both my wife and I have apologized for our relationships with the other men/woman. Where we differ is I have told more people about my unfaithfulness than my wife has. I will not hide it from anyone and I subscribe to the idea that openness and transparency is necessary to ensure meaningful support and accountability. My wife said she wants to be more selective of those who hold her accountable. So my wife and I are not in agreement on that point.

I am reading through Exposure 101 to better understand what else I can/should be doing and may have further questions once I have read through it in its entirety.

I also struggle with the notion that my wife and I were �not meant for one another.� She was my best friend and we had so many great times together, and, because we still interact on a regular basis, we still do. I get there are other people who can meet my needs. However, my understanding of marriage, especially as I�ve gone through this process, is that it�s a choice. Our relationship developed like any other, based on the concept of the love bank. At some point, the deposits stopped and the withdrawals depleted the account balance. Understanding the concept of marriage builders, I am not ready to acquiesce to the idea that this can�t work, though I�m not disillusioned to the possibility that it won�t. I�m currently trying to figure out what I can do to encourage the necessary steps to fill our love banks for each other. After all, it�s plain and simple psychology: we like to be around people who make us feel good. The difficulty in marriage is that, when our spouse is not meeting our emotional needs, there is more of a tendency to be lazy and sell to the lowest bidder than to analyze the reality of what�s happening and take the steps to correct the erred course.

Now, if I�ve left the impression that the sexual partners are okay while the current friend is the real issue, that is not the case. As I�ve mentioned, both my wife and I have apologized for our other relationships and are willing to forgive each other for those actions. There is still much work to do there, and perhaps the Exposure 101 will help. However, at the same time, I am concerned about this friend as, regardless of whether a physical affair took place (which at the moment I have no way to truly know), there is an emotional affair that needs to end.

I realize that there is a lot of work to be done and I truly believe it�s possible. I just want to check in and see if there are steps that I should be taking to foster an environment where my wife will be able to take those steps. Part of my fault may be that I�ve been enabling her to think she is entitled to this friendship by not exposing and respecting her wish that certain people not be aware of her actions. The question, to which I am seeking an answer, is whether it�s too late to expose.

I look forward to more perspective on this. I�m fully aware that the end result may be divorce and as unfortunate as that may be, I want to know that I tried everything I could before that course of action.

I understand.

Just his notify at the bottom of each post and ask the MODS to merge your two threads. Just let them know if you want to keep it in recovery or SAA. I would recommend SAA.

Ok first of all yes you need to break up this friendship of your WW. I commend you on exposing your affair to others. Do your children know about your affairs? Your parents? Do the BH of your OW know about your affair?

Second your question abuot whether your "wife and you are meant for each other" or not is simple. Anyone that fills our Lovebanks can make us feel like they are meant for us. So it is you and your WW's responsibilty to protect your own Lovebanks from others.

How you do this is also simple. You have boundaries around the opposite sex and anyone that threatens your protection of your lovebank.

Dr. Harley's path is a proven program that works IF it is worked correctly.

Please read up and educate yourself and ask questions and we will be glad to help you.

Oh and it's never to late to expose. We have had posters that expose 17 years after the affair. Whom it is exposed to may be different than the initial exposure of affairs that are new. On old affairs the must exposure targets are the betrayed spouse and your children, because these people were affected first hand.