We don't have hardship leave. He can take regular leave. He won't have any problems doing that.

Courthouse will be my first stop after taking the boys fishing in the morning. My command is aware of whats been going on and have already discredited a call to the FRO saying I cut her off from funds (while she's still living in the house and eating the food I provide)

The court isn't open on Saturday. You'll have to wait til Monday. When did she call? Unfortunately you will have to provide for her financially because of Chapter 15 of the UCMJ. There is a set amount that the commander will make you pay and it's $200 per person if you live in base housing. It's 1/5 of BAH for each person if you live in town. I would read up on it and keep records and receipts of all your bills and spendings. Get a journal as well and take note of all significant dealings with your wife and children.

She called this morning. I'll definitely have to check up on Chap 15, although it seems insane that I'd have to pay her to essentially live in the house that I'm paying for. And just to clarify, she was complaining because I had her taken off our joint account, which requires her signing an agreement form. Granted, she signed it like 3 months ago...I just held on to it until I found out she was planning to pay off all of her debt while I was deployed. I also think she may be getting some "legal" advise from a sea lawyer. I suppose I should also verify what constitutes "separation"

But you are not separated, are you?

She filed for legal separation, I have been served with papers, but I've yet to sign them and she has not turned them back in. We are currently still living in the same house

Oh, that is not separated. Is she trying to get you forced from the home?

No, she has said that she wants to leave. I used a phrase that my co-worker had said. "When you wake up, and before you go to bed, look at our joint children and ask yourself are they worth trying one more day. And if the answer is yes, you try one more day "

Atta-boy Resilient!

Keep attacking the affair.

Do not ever ever ever take their "word" for it that it is over.
The words of a wayward are meaningless.

If the affair is truly over -- when she comes to you -- have a list of immediate precautions to take to prevent them from further contact:

Letter written by her to him demanding no contact for LIFE. (examples on this site) You are the one to mail it.
Immediate change of phone number (home and cell) Better yet, replace her cell phone with one that you have installed spyware on.
Access of all her passwords and on-line accounts (also put keylogger on computer)


Be absolutely sure that you expose this to his parents. Do not allow them the fantasy of presenting her as the "new girlfriend" or future daughter-in-law without them knowing the whole ugly truth of the affair.

Here to help with the no contact letter.
No contact letter samples

We are currently still living in the same house

Remember, short a miracle that we haven't seen here often, once she moves out...

Alright. Today went better than the last two...but there was a couple red flags. Starting with her deleting her FB account yesterday, creating a new one today using her nickname and maiden name, then deleting that one and reactivating the original one. She seemed kinda distant for most of the afternoon but didn't seem repulsed this evening when I offered to rub her back after she showered. She declined ,understandably, because we spent a long day with the kids and we were both pretty wiped.

Could be withdrawal. As she goes cold turkey from OM she'll be mad one moment ("I'm deleting facebook...I can't believe that [censored] (OM) is abandoning me with my horrible husband") to sad another moment ("I need to end this affair and figure things out with my husband") to despondent ("I can't believe it's over") to desperate (crap...I deleted facebook ...what if OM logs on looking for me...I better put it back up).

What to watch for...

1. happiness - if she's happy she's been in contact. She should be and remain very disagreeable and miserable for several weeks/months. Best you can do is try to distract her with your constant presence and getting her (and the family out doing activities). Her feelings will eventually follow those actions (behavioral therapy is the basis of MB). I found saying things like "let's just focus on having a great active summer rather than all this serious talking and serious marriage stuff all the time" worked for me/us. Of course...she was sullen so all the planning was kinda of left to me.

2. following through on separation - Whenever the OM ends it..the WW THINKS that if they get separated they can re-contact OM and OM will take them back. This feeling typically lasts a few days and then, absent any contact from OM with an assurance that "separating" will actually help reignite the affair they end up figuring out it IS actually over. At that point...they don't follow up on ANYTHING (they can't go to the bank and do laundry on the same day...it's too exhausting emotionally). This isn't always the case though as some waywards just have to try to resurrect the affair and their bull-headedness won't allow them to give up.


You are doing great so far. Keep monitoring. Closure contact is common. Closure contact is a huge mistake on her part but it happens. Never condone it or agree to it...(waywards love to try to get you to go along with just one last goodbye meeting)...but in our case it did put a nail in OM's decision to end it and "separation" was never a consideration again.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

O that sounds just wonderful. She has already displayed the majority of what you've posted Mr. W...except the happiness part, so that's encouraging. Today's big event was her asking :"What if those feelings never come back, because I kinda don't want them too. How long can you wait to have a physical relationship with me?" To which I replied,"Till you are ready". Which to me kind of sounds like a legitimate concern, but I'm still weary.

Have you read this?

Recovery After an Affair

Is your WW on AD's? Dr. Harley recommends AD's to help get through this.

What feeling does she not want to come back? The ones for you?

NG,
Ever since I saw you from time to time mention that once they are out the house,they rarely return.It dampens my hope becos WW is planning to leave the house in 3-6 months.Does anyone here know of any success stories where WS did return?It's hard to believe out of the many many stories here on MB,none has ever return.

XP,

There are very few here that have recovered after separation. Mortarman is one that was able to reconcile, but it took a very long time and a lot of work. Separation is the worst thing possible because "out of sight, out of mind". You don't have the ability to connect being separate. UA time is far less and it gives the other person a new life away from the BS to carry on their affair. Nothing good comes from separation unless there is physical abuse and one spouse is in danger. If you can prevent it, then prevent it by all means necessary. I'm in the 11th hour of my separation/divorce. It hasn't helped one bit.

XP your WW has not moved out yet and so you have 3-6 months of a leg up to save your M where others have not.

Yes mortarman. They went as far as fighting for custody and they are now in a recovered marriage.
Read here.
Mortarman's thread
Mortarman's custody
Mortarman's Been awhile thread

Yes. At this point, she is unsure if they will or not. She's still very hurt from the exposure and the loss of the majority of her friends.