My husband has been involved in an affair for 3 1/2 years, on again off again, more on now than ever. She lives across the country, which makes it easy to keep up the fantasy escape romance. She is also married. Her husband pays the bills, lets her live at home with the kids, etc. No, he will not throw her out. Everything would change if he did, but I can't control that.

WH moved out a year and a half ago. Almost came home twice. OW talked him out of it. I have never wanted a divorce or believed it is the right thing to do. I see him be so different when he gets away from her. So sad. He is now trying to push a divorce through because she wants him to. He has never been so cold, dark, or cruel. He's even awful about the kids.

What do I do? Do I take control and do the divorce myself at this point? Do I stand back and make him be responsible for it if he wants it? Do I go into a Plan B and cut off all contact with him? And if I do Plan B at this stage of the game, pretty sure divorce is inevitable, do I still do a Plan B letter and say I love him and am willing to work on the marriage when the affair ends? Or is that just a joke at this point?

Also, exposure. Our families and friends know. I debate sending messages to OW 400 facebook friends. The affair started on facebook. I almost think it would backfire on me at this point, because I could totally see my husband saving her from it by coming up with some awful message about me - he's done that with our friends and family. His entire family has cut me off now, after loving me for 22 years. He's also threatened to post a couple of pictures that I would not want posted (things I trusted my husband with years ago), which he may or may not have in his possession, if I do anything to damage this affair. If it won't do any good and will only hurt me anyway, why bother?

Do affair partners seriously divorce spouses and marry each other often? If they do, do those marriages fall apart? Ugh. I hate this.

I'm so sorry rainysweet.

A couple of things. I would expose this affair because people need to know the truth about the real reason for the demise of your marriage. Please follow this because it gives you step by steps including facebook exposure. Exposure 101

Dr. Harley doesn't give affairages a good chance on lasting. We have had posters on here that their spouses married their affair partners. Listen to these radio clips Radio Clips on Affairages

I would start to prepare for Plan B but you need to do the best Plan A you can right before you go into Plan B. If you go to Plan B or Plan D I would never have contact again with your WH. You can see you are in such pain and this is because the affair has gone so long that I'm worried for your health. This is why Dr. Harley only recommends 3 weeks for BW of Plan A and you've been much longer.

Please see your doctor about AD's.
Please read these.
How To Plan B properly
Parallel Parenting
IM training school
Plan B letter samples

Thanks for the advice. How do I do Plan A at all right now if he doesn't live with me and doesn't see the kids? (I did Plan A without really knowing what it was, just instinctively, for several months when he was home. He ended the affair and was amazing for a few months. But she kept after him - it was before I discovered Dr. Harley or MB - finally got to him in a moment of weakness, he left, and it's been all downhill from there.

Should I try to make contact just to be kind or sweet for a few days while I get ready for Plan B? Our last contacts have been pretty ugly. I hate to leave it that way, but he is like a rock. It's like he refuses to let me get to him in any way, shape, or form.

Yes it's going to be tough but do the best you can to initiate contact and Plan A him while you're preparing for Plan B.

You want to leave the thoughts in your WH of the good things about you.
Carrot and Stick of Plan A

With him gone and you don't talk to him at all do you know how to get a hold of him? Know where he lives?

Since you have found MB have you been living seperately?

I would also see a lawyer to protect you. Does he pay CS to you?
Do your children know abuot his affair?
Please follow this.
Document. Document! Document!

The more I go back and read this I see that your WH has been in this affair for 3.5 years. I would get Plan B ready and see a lawyer.

Dr. Harley says the affairs usually die a natural death but he has had you and OW for 3.5 years and has been cake eating.

Have you talked to this OW's BH? What does he say?

Yes, he pays child support. We have a legal separation agreement. Yes, the kids have known for a long time. I have talked to OW's BH a few times, though not recently. He is part of the problem. She's a major cake eater. She lives at home, huge house, doesn't work, has her kids, her husband gives her a cushy life and takes care of the kids while my husband takes her on vacation. Total fantasyland. I've asked him to throw her out or do something, but he won't. He thinks he's doing what's best for his kids. The affair doesn't die because there's no reality. Especially now that my husband is not home. When he was, he could see the difference.

So you haven't had contact with your WH in how long?

I would get an IM so you do not have to deal with anything.

When's the last time the kids saw him? So no one is putting pressure on this affair? So sorry rs. They live in different countries so it's all by electronic and phone calls that they keep thier affair going?

I worry about your health. Have you been into see your doctor about AD's? Plan B is what you need to protect yourself and your health.

Do you have someone who can IM for you?

I read those links. I am really afraid of what he will do if I expose the affair on facebook - he can get very ugly when his drug supply is threatened. He has threatened to throw the kids out of their house, even take away their dog, unbelievable things. He's even been physically violent. Maybe it's worth the trade-off if it damages the affair, but I almost think it will just bond them together more against me. I think after this long most people who are close enough to do anything already know about it. Anyone who knows my husband does. He tells people himself at this point, like he's proud of it. She brags about it too. Her family and close friends all know.

Last I heard her children didn't know about it, although I don't know how they could not know with her taking off with him for days at a time all the time and everyone around them knowing. I could send the older 2 a facebook message, although that seems like kind of a low blow to innocent kids, even at their ages - 19 and 15 or 16, I think. Just makes me look bad.

Not if you write the exposure like it is written in the exposure 101 thread that Melodylane put together. It will let people know the truth.

Her kids must be told. If people want to be in denial like her BH this is something you can not control.

Has your WH been physical violent with you or the kids? You need to protect yourself. Dr. Harley recommends two reasons for immediate seperation physical abuse and infidelity that will not stop.

Can you put a protective order out on him?

Listen to this radio clip on Dr. Harley telling children even as young as four.
Radio clip on telling children as young as four
Read this article by Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers about the lessons children learn on infidelity.
Infidelity:The Lessons Children Learn

I've read Jennifer's article. I will listen to the clip, though I think I did once before. I totally agree with him, and I told my children. But these are not my children that I'm talking about telling.

My husband just isn't himself anymore. He can be very ugly. I looked into getting a protective order, but I didn't have enough proof. It would have just made him mad. He is simply hardened the last 4 months, since the last time he almost came home and then didn't. Like an out of control drug addict. Which, I suppose, he is. I guess maybe it's just time to be done, as sad as that makes me. Maybe he will go do real life with the OW, reality will crash down around him, and maybe he will be more like himself again. At least that would benefit my children.

I think you definitely need to protect you and your children from him.

Can you get an IM? You would write the Plan B letter and you can start to work on this.

Did you say your WH is also a drug addict? This is another senario where Dr. Harley says MB will not work is with an active addict such as alcohol.

Ok, I missed one message up there. Sorry. I have not completely cut off contact. He sent me unpleasant text messages this weekend while he was with her, demanding a divorce and saying he never loved me. I talked to him earlier this week briefly, tried to keep it light and pleasant. We live in one state - he does not live with the children and me, but about 5 miles away, and she lives 2000 miles away in another state, with her family.

They text, email, facebook, talk all day - he's like a chain smoker with his cell phone. Presently they fly back and forth about every other week and spend 3-4 days together typically - all vacation. No, there's no pressure on the affair. Her husband lives with it. My husband's family has even accepted the OW in and cut my children out. My children avoid talking to him at all if they possibly can.

He demanded the kids spend Easter with him. 2 of my sons finally went just to shut him up and keep peace, basically. It wasn't pleasant, but they endured it. That was his last contact with the kids. Before that, it was probably 2 or 3 months since he had spent any time at all with any of them. None of my children want to see him. They hate him, and he spends the whole time texting the OW when they are with him - it's miserable for them. He also has pictures of the 2 of them together plastered everywhere, which I think is emotionally damaging to the kids to have to see. I've asked him to protect them from it, but at this point he doesn't care about anything anymore except the OW and staying high on the affair. He pretty much doesn't care about even seeing the kids, except once in awhile when he seems to have some sudden freak out empty feeling and wants them to fill it for him. But he's never there when they need him, and they have all given up on him.

I can probably get my husband's brother and his wife to IM for me. They are the only family members who still love me and my kids, but have an okay relationship with him too. They could present as neutral I think, for the benefit of the kids especially. Yes, I'm on AD, and so are 2 of my children. The other 2 probably should be, but refuse. My health has gone steadily downhill. I just had to have unexpected surgery in fact, and I've always been healthy. So, you're right. This is getting to me.

In Nov/Dec we saw each other often, talked almost daily, texted, he asked me to dinner all the time, we had long talks about the kids, he told me the affair was going to end and talked about coming home. He was sweet, kind, tender, loving, worried about the kids, made effort with me and with them for the first time in months. He said he was sorry for everything, he knew the OW never loved him and that I always had, he said he loved me, that he didn't blame me for anything, that he saw how much damage he had done to his children. It was like he came out of the fog for awhile and was himself again.

I was a little wary, guarded, taking it slow. Then he left to go see the OW for Christmas, which was horrible for the kids - and me. A shocker after the changes in him. I finally sent her a letter and told her I wasn't going anywhere. A mistake, I guess, as that triggered this huge downward spiral with her threatening and controlling him, suddenly wanting to keep him since she wasn't going to "win" - that's her mentality, him going crazy to hold onto the affair suddenly, all of it exploding more out of control than ever, and now she runs him - he does everything she says, including sending me messages she dictates and trying to force me to sign divorce papers. His heart is a rock, he says he hates his own kids. Just sad and ugly. Deceives, hardens, destroys. We are at "DESTROYS." Heartbreaking.

I guess I just do Plan B and if he forces the divorce, so be it? Do I write a letter to him about it? What do I say?

Or do I just give up and do the divorce myself at this point, cut him out of my life and heart, and be done? I really should have virtually no reason to talk to him in that situation - we do still own a rental house together that I can't alter, so an occasional business issue or something maybe, which I could probably have my brother-in-law mediate. Hopefully he will just leave the kids alone, and Dr. Harley advised me not to make them go with him if they don't want to unless I am compelled by the court.

Would you try to do any Plan A? Leave him with anything pleasant? Or just enough is enough and he can have his soulmate?

No, he's not a literal drug addict. Sorry. He is a sex addict, and the affair is all part of that. I meant the OW is a "drug" to him.

rainysweet,

I think you need to get into Plan B ASAP. Your WH is doing more damage to you and your children.

Please get an IM together. You saw the link I provided?

Write a Plan B letter. Post it here for feedback. This will help. Plan B letter samples

Please listen to Dr. Harley and don't make your children see him and also this. Parallel Parenting

Just because you're in Plan B doesn't mean you have to sign the divorce papers, but if you think your WH will get ugly please get a lawyer to protect you.

I fear you may be suffering from PTSD.

Okay. Thank you for all your time and advice.

I think you're right. I think my children and I are all suffering from PTSD. I did have a counselor tell me that they likely were. I didn't think about the possibility that I was too, but it seems reasonable after all this.

Yes, I've read all the links you provided. Very helpful. Thank you.

I will work on the letter. I have read the samples. But if we are this close to divorce, would you still say that I am willing to work on the marriage when the affair ends? I am. In my heart, I would still work to save my marriage if he ended the affair and was willing to as well. He is a completely different person "out of the fog." And my children miss the man who was their father also. But I almost wonder if that's more promise of "cake" for him if I say it, if he knows he can keep his wife and family hanging on while he stays in this affair inevitably. Maybe it's better to just tell him that I can no longer be in contact with him and leave it at that?

I would put that you're willing to work on the marriage as long as the affair ends and he is willing to meet your conditions that you will state in your Plan B letter.

You will put your conditions in the letter. I would also add he needs to be in a successful anger management program. Ends all contact with OW for life.

Post your letter here so we can help you.

I'm worried about you my friend.

I think you will find these articles very enlightened.

When to Call it Quits #1
When to Call it Quits #2
When to Call it Quits #3

That is the path I would take, rainysweet. Dr Harley says if the affair doesn't end in 2 years, you should give up. You need to divorce him and move on. There is nothing to save here. Sorry.

Give up?

She has never exposed.

She should expose fully before she decides on plans A, B, or D.