Feeling gutted. WH just rang from Oz to talk to DS6. What I really find upsetting, he was ringing from his parents house. Skanyhola spoke to DS6, no doubt putting on a show for WH parents, this is the first time she has spoken direct to DS6 on phone. Even grandma spoke to DS6.

I understand they love their son and are not going do anything to risk their relationship, living so far away they will welcome any visit, but its really upsetting that OW is playing happy families with my family. I feel a little betrayed by my in laws if that makes sense.

It makes perfect sense to me Happy. Been there, done that and am still doing it. If anything, I am finding the IL's betrayal harder to deal with than WH's. He is in the fog and acting like a selfish pri(k, they have no such excuse.

I appreciate with children this IL betrayal would be even more difficult.

Understand they are not MB familiar, and they are not necessarily thinking about morals. My IL's are Catholic, way more so than WH. They have still turned a blind eye to his adultery. They have wanted to be gaslit. They are only too willing to fall in line with WH's demands that they accept OW as family, and they are too willing to turn a blind eye to the loyal and faithful wife of 12 years to keep this relationship. He isn't in the country or proximity to show them who he has become, or who the OW is on a permanent basis. Yet I know that they feel doubt that they refuse to acknowledge or express. There actions and comments show it.

People like familiarity. They do not like change or the unknown. Human nature. Don't doubt Happy that they have reservations. They do.

I am trying to accept my brother's girlfriend at the moment. She is nice. She is by all appearances loyal. But she is new (on the scene for 18 months). He has been hurt before (BH). She has a lot to prove. Your WH's family will be comparing, will be thinking. OW, a skank by nature, will never live up to the comparison.

Happy, I just thought I would share my experience in case you have not read my thread. Cross-country adultery really does make recovery a much more difficult goal IMO given exposure does not have the same impact. IMO my exposure has shown the reality of the affair until WH returns to Oz. And by then exposure may not have the same effect. Regardless, I am so glad I did it. For me.

My WH returned to Oz to end our marriage, having told me up until the point of getting off the plane that he had "concerns" that we needed to discuss and work on.

He stayed with his family during his three-week stay in Oz. As he had not seen them for five years, they were thrilled to have him back. That is what they kept mentioning to me when I called in distress at his decision, that it was so good to see him despite the circumstances, and that he seemed so happy.

Of course he was. He had the addiction and anticipation of OW. I reflect and see how HIGH he was, how he strutted around me during his time in Oz.

I felt betrayed by my IL's at the time, that none of them arranged an intervention or anything. Funnily enough, one of my SIL's has arranged interventions for other family at the drop of a hat, but over her only surviving brother's actions... nothing. It wasn't only me that was shocked at the lack of action... my parents, and a SIL kept say surely this (the eldest) SIL will do something. But she was too happy and worried about losing her only brother's love to do anything. I also think we were all too shocked and gaslit. Surely not my WH, not their brother, wss capable of this. Funnily enough, the SIL in the same state and town as me, sat him down and asked him... "Are you or Caracal having an affair? Is this the reason for the separation?" WH denied, saying if only this was the case as it "would be so much easier". Yeah. Right.

Fast forward to several months after my initial exposure, and this SIL rang me to announce OW's pregnancy in very suggestive ways (I had to read a lot into it). BUT, I could hear her disappointment, her anger, her distrust in OW. And she was still being gaslit at this time by WH, that he started his affair after our separation. She actually asked me this. "How on earth do I ever show respect for this girl when he brings her here, but I have to given he is my brother". Enough said. She also mentioned that when WH rang to announce the "blessing" she said "If you expect congratulations, you are not going to get them. This should be the happiest moment of your life, I should be happy for you. I'm not".

My second re-exposure has changed things. This particular SIL intially challenged my mother about calling WH a liar to her. She was clearly gaslit. Now... silence. I have made clear to the immediate family that there was an affair prior to separation. The youngest SIL (an enabler) has even started to show hesitation and doubt about OW. Not in words, but through her continued contact with me despite my exposure about OW.

The thing is that right now, I am coming to terms with the IL's responses. I recognise that with OW in the picture they will likely choose sides, particularly given I do not have a child by WH but OW will. That decision reflects on them. They will have to live with the consequences. I am grieving the loss of them in my life. I will move forward. They will still have to deal with OW. A part of me also doubts whether maybe they would have acted this way if I had a child or not. I am glad I do not know the answer.

Betrayal of in laws is on many levels. Who knows where it will end up. But know that they are confused, they are angry and disappointed, and they are concerned. And know that the OW is having to act a role that they are clearly not fit for. It was Indie that mentioned that an affair is a pig dressed in a frock. No matter what, it is still a pig, not a lady. I think others, even IL's that have a vested interest in wanting to believe in the pig, see this and doubt the pig. ALL of my SIL's have challenged WH. I didn't know it at the time, and I don't know the full extent now. But I know they did. And I can't imagine a worse "romance" than announcing a child being born to the world to your own family and getting the response that your own family were not happy for you. I would want to be able to shout it from the rooftops.

I would want to be able to shout any romance from the rooftops. Affair partners try. And they can't. Not without the misgivings that exposure undoubtebly brings.

Rgardless of the IL response. Know that you have given it your all . Well done Happy.

I suppose MIL being a retired pyschologist I thought she would do the right thing. I get he is their son and they obviously struggle with facing what he has done. When they visited in January she said she hoped we would reconcile, affairs don't last and her history of short term relationships and patterns of the past would resurface.

I really understand they don't want to do anything that would alienate him but tolerating her is enabling and validating their relationship.

Like you, they live in another country so they don't see his behaviour. I've struggled with making the call to tell them of his appalling behaviour. I wanted to do this, I hoped they could help him or at least lay the groundwork for a future reality check. I know they will find it hard to accept. I wish I made the call before WH & OW visit. I just hope they see through the badmouthing (I'm expecting this) and remember
the person Iam. It really hurts to think they may be believe I am capable of the crap WH & OW will feed them. We've always had a really good relationship and I always thought I was blessed to have such good inlaws.

It is disheartening that children and inlaws are all tolerating her for WH. So no interference to their fantasy.

My MIL also tolerates WW 's A.In fact,WW was worried she didnt have a place to stay when she moves out but MIL offered her home.

Hows your exposure coming along?Didnt you do a massive exposure?

Thanks for sharing your story Caracal. I had read your thread but it was good to read this post. Its hard dealing with the fact that she has stepped into my shoes so to speak. I do not know what MIL & FIL think about her. I know it is beyond my control as to whether they believe the wayward crap. I just hope they remember the marriage and family life we had and they remember the person I am.

I understand what you mean, to have them think ill of me and possibly believe the crap really hurts, we've always had a really good relationship. Then again maybe I am not giving them enough credit, maybe they will have doubts.

Believing we are so eaily REPLACED is always difficult.

That is the nature of affairs. Particularly those that are emotional, not just physical.

I invested time, effort and LOVE into all of these relationships. For no return. Nothing. Just to be ignored largely. OUCH!!!

In a good Plan B, I really have no idea of the extent of the IL's belief in the wayward crap, other than that they have largely ignored me so I assume they are buying the wayward "crap".

As for whether they believe the "wayward crap" I think it depends on the individuals and the sitch in hand. My WH has had a great time, convincing the IL's that since we have not been in the country for some 10+ years he has been miserable for 5+, 6+, 8+, 10+ years depending on who he is spinning the story to.

Difficulty is, IN's have seen a travel blog of the two of us having the time of our lives. Dammit, when challenged, WH says we got married "too young" (depending on the age of the IN), "grew apart" (depending on who saw us together, happy, the most recent), or even that "Caracal never wanted kids and I do" (depending on who is stupid apparently).

I don't think my IL's believe any of this. It is just that given the circumstances, with my WH being the only surviving male member of the family (and now refusing to admit he is a poor substitute for the previous role-model father), this is who they have. My second exposure slapped some of the SIL's in the face with who WH is. They choose to ignore it.

Their choice. I am no longer involved. But it has taken 12+ months to get there.

I'm sorry you have had to go through this Caracal. Its not easy when people you love are concerned. Thats what really hit me tonight, I didn't expect IL to talk to me it may be awkward with WH & OW there, but it hurt that there was no consideration for my feelings.

Thats my weakness, throughout this I have cared about the people I love and given them the benefit of the doubt and tried to understand what they are going through, when really it would be nice if they could have shown me some consideration and support. I have been concerned about how his family would find it hard to face his behaviour. I've had to accept it, its about time they accepted it. If not to help him at least to support our children.

I don't know if this helps or if this is a T/J but some of my most surprising supporters were WH's Irish relatives.

I was very surprised when they backed me up and condemned the affair. One, becuase they were in a different country and two because when one of their own cheated on his wife of 12 years a few years earlier, they tried to build a relationship with OW. (they condemned the A at first, then tried to 'get along' with her when they got married)

I suppose they didnt know what else to do, but they discovered it was a mistake. The OW caused a great deal of trouble amongst the relatives and the WH changed beyond recognition under her influence.

This time around, when it was my WH they seemed more irate and up front promised to cause more trouble for the affairees. Its been made so clear by his family on all sides that she would not be welcome as his wife. I suppose this could change in time, but its telling that the Irish cousin wayward defied the disapproval from day one, while WH denied having an affair at all and then moved to Singapore, cutting many ties, to escape the disgrace.

Thanks Indiegirl it does help. Its hard with the distance and IL havent really indicated how they feel about OW since meeting her. They also don't like to get involved. I know SIL is struggling and is not looking forward to meeting her on Sunday. Thats the problem everyone is tolerating OW for WH's sake.

I'm hoping at the very least they can recognise the change in WH and see how unhealthy this relationship is. He has sacrificied so much of himself integrity, principles, honesty, family, financial security the list goes on.

The difference in my eyes Indie, is when a WH is out of the eyes of those he is exposed to. In your sitch, WH has fled the country to possibly escape exposure.

In my and Happy's sitch, WH's are out of the country of exposure, and only returning to the country where exposure has largely had an effect for VALIDATION. Sadly they largely get this due to having been away and "absence makes the heart grow fonder". Also, the WH's family fears alienating the wayward and losing him forever.

I'm really getting tired so Iam not sure if I made sense of your post. To clarify - WH lives in the country of exposure (we relocated 7yrs ago for family & lifestyle ... ironic now) he returned to our hometown shortly after exposure (OW birthday shopping trip) I agree though living in different countries impacts IL handling of stich, their concern is not alienating and loosing contact with son. In my stich I was the driving force in maintaining contact ... famiy was always important to me.

Caracal - One thing I noticed on the news tonight the weather her is 17 raining, cloudy in Oz its 25 beautiful and sunny ... aagh even the weather is on their side.

Yes I understand my sitch is different,

What I (did not explain very well) is that the Irish cousin's BW's position was the same as yours and happys. He and BW and OW lived in the states, his family were back home in Ireland.

His family tried to accept OW and visted her, she visited them in return.

My point is that they regretted this decision to enable a great deal. They lost their son anyway. They let a snake OW into their midst. I am your ILs will regret any enabling too. I shudder for them, in fact.

Indiegirl, I sincerely hope they can at least express disappointment. I think I need to make the call I've been putting off and update them about his behaviour. Hopefully they will at the least start a conversation with him. At the least II hope they can influence him about defaulting on our mortgage.

Still no response to exposure, other than WH & OW. Is this unusual? I am hoping it will still have an impact even if I don't receive any responses. I would really like someone to stand up and say this is wrong and hold him accountable for his actions. Is exposure enough without any reaction from family and friends? Hopefully there is some action behind the scenes I am not aware of.

You're in Plan B so you may not hear about the fallout.

WH isn't going to tell you that " such and such told me how wrong I am".

We have seen up to a couple weeks before some people may respond. Some may have blocked or defriended them.

Know that you did the right thing.

Strength and prayers to you for your up coming surgery. Stay strong my friend.

Thank you for your wishes, prayers and response.

Being dark I'm not checking their FB to see if anyone has defriended.

I just thought I would have some response, I particularly expected OW family to send a negative response.

I'm waiting and hoping someone will finally stand up to him, he's been able to sail along doing whatever he wants, no one not even conveyancing lawyer or bank have held him accountable for his actions. Its so frustrating I feel like I'm fighting the battle with no back up or support (except MB). I just wish someone would show some courage and speak up instead of tolerating the situation for his sake.

I think even without any responses,exposure would make them uncomfortable knowing that people around them are aware of their dirty deeds.
People would be more willing to speak up when they are asked to.When my WW got out of the fog for that couple of weeks before she broke NC,some of her friends came out to support her for leaving the OM but they had kept their mouth shut before.

XP - Thanks you helped me refocus. Exposure is successful if it makes them uncomofortable its not really about the response I receive. His horrible fogbabbled reply and her reply indicate exposure was a direct hit, I should be satisfied with this.

I suppose people don't want to get invloved. I was just hoping someone would finally hold him accountable for his actions and use their influence.

Amazing those friends kept quiet until she left OM, rather than stand by and not speak up. Maybe I view this differently and I'm expecting to much from others, because I'm in this situation