I am sorry, RS, to call you out on this but we must help you out of your own BS fog.

I don't think you do "get it".

Your children are on ADs and by your own admission, your WH has been horrible to them...and they have also had to endure watching your health deterioriate over the past three years. They probably have no idea what their future holds... What a nightmare!

You should be alarmed, RS. If my children were on ADs, I would be extremely alarmed! Yet...the focus is on OW, WH & the A when there is clearly nothing that you can do about this?

I went into Plan B shortly after dday 3 last year. I am not on ADs and neither are my children. They are doing as well as could be expected. We are very active and busy, and we try not to think or talk about STBX and his craziness. They know that we are going to be OK and that they are my top priority.

You need to be sending your children a different message, RS.

**hugs**

I've read Dr. Harley's books, and some things on this site. But where does he say specifically that women should only do Plan A for 3 weeks, and should not "pursue" their husbands? Those things? I would like to read more of that specific advice from him, but not sure where it is. Thanks.

It takes two to build a marriage. When only one is willing, and that one has tried to get the other to become willing, without success, for so long that her emotional state and/or health are deteriorating, Plan B is the best alternative possible. What alternatives do you think would work out better? Trying to make him cooperate? Continuing to try to win him over with techniques that have proven not to work? Bouncing back and forth between anger and irrational contentment in the face of an affair, getting worse and worse with each cycle until you explode, while your children suffer and you become increasingly unable to take care of them?

rainy, Dr. Harley has said this several times. He says it frequently on his radio show, and he's on the record saying it on this website multiple times. I'll see if I can dig up a link, but I'll bet MelodyLane will have one faster than I can get one.

MelodyLane has been on this site longer than (almost) any other active member, and has made tens of thousands of posts, been on Dr. Harley's radio show several times, and has listened to every broadcast hour of his show.

found here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8111_quit.html

And that's in a non-infidelity situation.

Look, if you want to stay in limbo, that's fine for you, but incredibly unfair to your children. Did you read SAA?

Dr. H says women need to not do plan A too long in order to protect their health.

That women are not able to do long plan As because it is not in their nature. (Men are competitive and able to handle it longer).

He also says that men are by nature the ones to pursue the woman. That it is not alluring to men to be pursued.

Plan A is to show your best self in the worse of circumstances and then you go to Plan B to heal and refocus on being out of the nightmare.

You can argue that you might be able to win him back to the marriage but......you have tried. Now, you must turn away from him and the mess and get on with your own life. If the affair ends once and for all, he will know how to find you (an intermediary will let him know).

Reading, do you have links or page #s for her? I don't have SAA, although in the link I posted there are page #s for in the SAA book referring to plan a/b.

Regarding my children and ADs: My WH has bipolar disorder - part of the problem; he's off his medication. 2 of my children show signs of that; part of the reason they are on ADs. I'm sure the situation has aggravated it, but they are also genetically predisposed to anxiety/mood disorders.

You are all correct. I haven't been on this site in awhile. Yes, I've read SAA - just went through it again, in fact.

I agree that my focus needs to move away from WH and more onto myself and my children.

I will work on my Plan B letter tonight, and work toward getting things in order to do a dark Plan B.

Thanks.

rainy, Dr Harley says this all the time on the radio show. I am posting one of his quotes about the length of Plan A and he tells women all the time how pursuing their WH is unattractive and ineffective. [it is, but you already know this] He told Caracal, a regular poster this on the radio. Her thread is right here on SAA.

Thanks. I haven't listened to many radio broadcasts. I thought SAA just said 6 months, not specific to men or women. When he lived with us, Plan A was working, and not affecting me more adversely than I thought leaving would, so I kept at it.

All in the past now, and time to move on. Thank you.

rainy, I wanted to clarify my answer about saving marriages. Marriage Builders saves the marriages of willing people.

It does not and cannot force someone to recover a marriage against his will. No program can do that.

Document everything from here on out and take him for all the child support you can get. He's a bum. And he's abusive.

There's life after divorce. You'll be SO relieved when you're not consumed with his nonsense anymore. You only live once.

Let the bum go.

I realize that. And I know it takes 2 people to really make a marriage work. But I do believe that 1 person can make a difference and possibly encourage or inspire the other person to get on board. (That's Plan A, right?)

I wasn't trying to force him, just draw him back in. Also, I wanted to know I had done everything I could to show love to him, for me, my kids, and for him. So that he can't blame me for this. He did tell me in December that he didn't blame me for anything, he knew I loved him and had more than proved that. I wanted him to know in his heart that he willfully walked away from a loving wife who was willing to do her part to make this marriage the best it's ever been. He knows that.

But at this point, he's going to have to decide to turn his own life around. I've done all I can. You're all correct. Time to let go. It's just sad, because I remember who he was, and it breaks my heart.

I am sad. But I am at peace, I think - at least getting close - with myself and my efforts to save my marriage. You're right; it's time he felt the full impact of his choices. He's lost his family, and he needs to feel the full force of that. And my children and I have brighter things to look forward to.

Yes, and that can be done in a couple of weeks. It takes no longer than a couple of weeks to tell a WS that you would be willing to do your best to meet his needs in the future if he ended the affair.

I am relieved you are letting go and making a decision to move forward. You will feel so much better in about 3 to 4 weeks that you will be asking whyohwhy didn't I do this sooner??? By removing yourself from this situation you will gain a much clearer perspective and be able to exercise sound judgement. And most of all, you will have some peace of mind.

What you can expect when you go dark is for your H to test your boundaries to see if you are serious. He will say and do anything to get you to break your Plan B because he won't like losing control of you. He will say things like "how can we work on things if we don't speak??" Anything to avoid ending his affair and committing to making the marriage work. So I just want to caution you about this. Waywards HATE losing control of the BS so bad that we have had them threaten the BS in court. So just be prepared to block his attempts. You shouldn't have an issue if you choose a strong, neutral intermediary. [don't choose a family member!]

Okay. Thanks for the heads up.

Thanks, TE and ML. And BH, and everyone who has given me sound advice. I guess I needed some support in the right direction.

The OW is pushing so hard for divorce now, maybe I can get more out of him. You're right, TE, he is a bum. I deserve better. So do my children. And he deserves exactly what he's going to get. He's had every opportunity to turn his life around and come back to a family who loves him. Anyone stupid enough to throw that away for some spoiled rotten bimbo who wants to run his life deserves the hell he's setting himself up for.

Rainy, even if you were going by DrH's advice in SAA, with 6 months of PA, you are well past that point.

You need to go into Plan B because it will help save you from the emotional turmoil that you have been going through.

Rainy

I plan B'd. My spouse and I are happily together, and mostly recovered.
We do better every day.

But both spouses have to want it. And work for it. And Plan B was for me- not him.

rainysweet,

Please, for your own health and the health of your children(you have two already that have been dx with PTSD) do what's in the best interest for you and your children.

Their health and well being is left up to you. Plan B will protect both you and them. Especially if you listen to what Dr. H told you and do not make the kids go with him.

He doesn't try and see them or talk to them.

Actions speak louder than words my friend. You have been in this for 3.5 years now. PTSD is very serious.

RidicSit, thank you for telling me that. It makes me feel better, even though my situation doesn't look good. More like it is the right thing, I guess, if some marriages do pull through it.

Yes, everyone, I'm working on Plan B. I have a few details that have to be ironed out first - I don't want to start it until everything is in order. I work full time, am still recovering from surgery, and I'm obviously a single parent, so it may take a few days, but I'm on it. Just got home, late night, but going to at least get a start on Plan B letter.

He called 3 times in a row tonight - home from vacation with OW apparently. I have no idea what he wants - to be nice or horrible, business or personal, talk about divorce, whatever. But I turned off my phone. I hate the feeling I get, that gut-wrenching anxiety when I see it's him calling. It will be a relief to be done with that, I realize. I just didn't want to talk to him, had nothing to say, wasn't up for listening to him. Figured ignoring him was best. I feel just a little bit empowered:) Praying he doesn't show up at the house. So far, so good.

I feel good about disconnecting from him.