I don't know what to add really, but my divorce will be final on May 20th. I told my W she could change her mind, but she said she's struggling with her self right now. She is going in so many directions. She feels bad for what she did and feels I deserve better. I disagreed, but she got quiet.

So sorry, my friend.

Just want you to know I'm thinking of you G. Don't know what else to try and offer as my opinions are well documented on your thread. You, your kids, and your WW are in my prayers tonight.

Hang tough pal.

GJM, I've been reading Hope1183's thread, just got caught up on it. I think you and I are doing ourselves and our marriages a disservice by not going into plan B. You see, reading Hope's thread, it's clear that her bar is raising. And your wife is right in a certain way, you DO deserve better than anything she has given you up to this point. You both deserve a better-than-ever marriage, but that's beside the point, because you can't control what she wants or gets out of life. You can control what GJM puts up with, though. Here is a good quote from that thread:

So, seeing that, what do you take from it? You have until May 20th...(and of course, beyond...but I think you are like me in that if she pushes you to that point, to being legally divorced, it will be a monstrous withdrawal from your lovebank and almost impossible to overcome.)

Could you commit to a plan B for the next 10 days? What would you really miss of the kids activities in that time? What's really holding you back from plan B?

What's holding me back? Nothing...my love is there. I have no negative thoughts. I'm curious what it is that you think I will achieve in Plan B for 10 days. Dr Harley gave me a mission and I intend to follow it through. I may even go longer. I haven't decided yet.

JV, you should do Plan B. Dr H recommends 3 weeks of Plan A for women. He gave me 6 months. As I've said before, I can handle this. The purpose of Plan B is to protect my LB. it's for me. It helps me remove myself from the pain. The thing is, I'm fine. And because I'm fine, Dr H said Plan A as long as possible.

GJM...I'm bringing out a 2x4. You've stated in the last few days that you would like to plan b, but the obstacles seem to high. That's why I suggested you give yourself a deadline, and see if you can weigh the sacrifices v. the benefits and make it work for those few days.

Also, you have gone back and forth over what you deserve in a relationship. Yes, she was your everything...I get that!! But she wasn't, it was your idea of her as a wife who met your needs that was your everything. She seems to see this more clearly and consistently than you do! (I'm saying this with kindness, please believe me, but I think you need a little shove here). Part of marriage builders that works so well is it gives guidelines for respectful boundaries rather than selfish demands. But right now, you've been letting your wife cake-eat. And since I've been watching your thread since the very beginning, it really seems like all of this meeting of her needs has taken a much greater toll on her balance in your LB than you've realized. Because you're still holding on to the idea of your wife rather than accepting the reality and giving her that path to being a better wife that actually does meet your needs and care and protect you. She sees that, but you don't (although it seems to sneak through some of your posts...) Plan B isn't just for you...it's also for your kids (because trust me, you will feel better! Be happier and less stressful! The energy you have been putting into being nice to her is energy you could have been putting into doing fun things with your kids.) It's also for her...the "Stick" of these plans. And...it's for your marriage. To know you've tried everything, that you've fully implemented the plans, and that you are free to move on.

So, I guess I'm asking, what do you have to lose by giving it a try for 9 days? Seeing whether its worth it? Also showing her that there is some accountability, that you really would expect her to be the wife she could be instead of the wife she has been? You've said just a couple of days ago that you'd like to plan b...so give it to yourself, a final measure of self care.

Re: my sitch...yup, I've been doing plan A much longer than I should have, and now I'm firmly in plan C until I can go into plan B. I'm not doing what I should, but I weighed it, and don't want to miss a few key things that are coming up in my son's life. But let me tell you, if I go 24 hours without any contact with my H, I feel worlds better, then have a brief contact, and I'm totally set back...so I know it's what I need to do, I just haven't gotten there yet. I will be entering plan b on May 20th, and I'm committing to at least a month of it.

J-Vo's excellent post triggered something within me, Gunny, and I'm going to ask you to think about it.

She pointed out that the woman you remember loving and starting a life together with is no longer around. Today's Mrs. GJM is a cynical betrayer of you and her children, concerned only with her own "issues". As sad as that would make you, you would have to see this by now.

It must also be manifest that nine more days of Plan A, after six months of an excellent adherence to its tenets, cannot be expected to "turn a light on" in her consideration of her situation.

Is it possible that the base reason behind your steadfast unwillingness to discontinue Plan A and at least TRY a Plan B is the suspicion that the woman that would have to be "coerced" back to your marriage, through deprivation of your support and affection, is not, in the final analysis, a woman you'd want back in your marriage? In other words, you'd want her walking back to you in love, not (figuratively) dragged back, compelled by needs she's possibly not too happy to acknowledge?

It's not a pleasant thought that our spouses might have to be "forced" to return to us. It would help to think of them, I have read, as an addict, who might have to be tied to a bed to detox, or a petulant 14 yo brat, who might have to be sent to her room and grounded.

Love, true love, the type of which is defined by suffering for the object of that love, would require that we suffer the addict's and the teenager's anger and resentment, secure in the belief that what we subject them to today, is done for their greater good tomorrow.

I keep promising to cease my suggestions, Gunny, but I guess I just cannot help myself. Whether or not I'm helping you, I don't know.

NG,

Your comments and points of view (including 2x4s) are always welcome. You've made some really good points. I don't have a lot of time to write, but I will think about what you and JV said while I'm at work and post back in a little bit.

Nicely done, NG

I agree. GREAT post NG.

I asked my command to send the no contact order to POSOMs new command. I stated that even though he was punished, I didn't want him to be in the lives of my children because he exhibits low morals, values and character. If that doesn't get pushed through, I'll be filing a restraining order next.

When did this POSOM come back into the picture? Have they been that far underground all this time?

I guess I was thinking that it was over ... update?

Oh no...I was just staying proactive just in case they are underground. Just a precautionary measure is all. I know she found his home address back in February so maybe they could be waiting out the divorce. Who knows?

That's what it sounds like to me...

Happy Mother's Day to all of you Mother's out there trying to keep your family together and all you father's being both mom and dad.

Although my divorce is final in two days, today is the last day to stop it. It's hard to imagine being labeled divorced as if I failed. That's what it feels like. I wasn't able to keep my marriage together and I will be looked at by people wondering why I'm a divorced man. I know I didn't cause it and I know I'm a good person, but now life will be so much different. Having to start over isn't a good feeling.

I try to look at the positives and convince myself that life will be good for me and that I have so many things to be thankful for. It just isn't the same. I am aware of all the negatives of not being a family. I wish my W would see those same things. There is no feeling of freedom. It actually feels opposite. I feel trapped. I'm stuck in limbo, trying to figure out what to do next. All I can think to do is try not to slip up as a father so that my children can't be taken away from me. That takes my time and it seems as I never have enough of it. I can feel myself aging faster than I'd like to because I don't sleep well at night.

I can't be too upset because I got everything I wanted, except for my W. I would have given everything up to keep my family together. I guess Life goes on whether I want it to or not.

We rarely know what we had until we lose it.

You knew you cherished your marriage and now you know on an even deeper level the magical wonder of how precious it is.

That is a gift, albeit a painful one, that you carry from this experience.

I will be thinking of you the next few days.

GJM, I know what you mean. I feel like that too. Thing is, you earned your way out. You did EVERYTHING you could. You went above and beyond. Your Plan A was kick azz.

So, will you be entering Plan B once the D is final?

(((GJM)))

At least you can hold your head high because you did everything in your power.

I'm sorry you didn't save your M but I think you're still a MB success story.
Yes?

Thanks reading