I'm not sure how going to Plan B and having your attorney handle legal matters would be considered making things ugly for WH and OW.

Right now, aren't you planning on stepping back and out of their space in order to make sound decisions for and about yourself?

Rainy, what state are you in?

I hear much fear in your post, a lot of "what ifs" and genuine concerns...I get it. I do not agree with your attorney about not citing the adultery especially if you live in an at fault state. Your WH will likely not want to go to trial...and OW sure as heck doesn't want that. No one wants to go to trial...even the BS. There may be a lot of chest beating going on in lala land but I'd bet they don't want all the dirty laundry to be flying. They would look like dogs because that is how they acted and are still acting.

I have been away from MB for quite awhile dealing with my divorce and all the crappiness that goes along with it. My children were my #1 concern as yours are to you; my eldest is 12 and I am now a SAHM. I cited adultery (my attorney strongly recommended it and even said it was best to cite it in the original petition so it was). I did not go to trial, got more alimony and child support in a state with some of the cruddiest laws and calculators out there. ExWH could have fought me but he also knows what a trial would have looked liked for him in addition to the time, expense, not to mention the emotional/mental drain. He wanted to be done, I wanted to be done. Even though our marriage ended I don't think he'd want our children to go without either. In spite of everything, he does not want that for his kids but maybe your WH doesn't care...idk.

There is no guarantee what the outcome of your D will be but there are cases where there is a favorable settlement for the BS. I was willing to take that risk as there were some issues that were non-negotiable for me. I even have a moral clause in my decree that OW1 and OW2 are NEVER allowed contact with my children in any way, shape or form. I would have gone to trial over that alone.

Your WH can choose to get ugly anytime he wants...even after divorce. Any ex or stbx can get ugly...no spouse or stbx has control over that...regardless of what your WH says today. Think about it.

**hand raised**

You now owe me a coke!!!!

I'm in Utah. I've spoken with more than one attorney, as well as several friends/coworkers, etc. who have divorced recently. There seems to be a major tendency in UT right now for judges to award joint custody, weigh father's rights in heavily regardless of infidelity issues, in part maybe to make up for the long-standing UT reputation of favoring mothers. Of course I can fight all that. But why fight if I don't have to? That's what I'm saying.

I just don't see the need to even file for divorce right now when, as I said, he's paying me more than he would be constrained by the court to pay. I'm fine. I'm on his insurance still, he can't marry her while he's married to me, and it's a source of contention/control/insecurity between them. If he wants the D, he can give me a reason to sign it. (I told him that - "give me something worth signing and I'll have my lawyer take a look at it." I've seen nothing).

I did absolutely insist that the separation agreement specifically state that he was "permanently restrained" from exposing my children to her - her name is right there in black and white, so pretty much an admission to infidelity right there - in any way, shape or form, including granting her access to photos of my children, etc. I did tell him I would go to court over that 1 issue and fight him to my last breath.

He is still required to pay the minimum child support for our youngest son until he graduates from high school (state requirements here), even though the agreement is "front loaded." Absolute worst case scenario, all it takes is a signature from me at this point to convert that agreement to a divorce. And I would be okay with it. But I want him to give me more money than the minimum while our youngest son is at home, after the others are gone, so I'm holding out for that.

If he lets OW try to force him into a divorce, he will know that he let her do it - huge source of resentment later, I would think - and he also knows that he will have to up his deal to get me to sign, because I'm fine with what we have right now. It also puts the responsibility on him and a major theme of this whole affair and the re-writing of our marriage is that I have "made every decision, controlled him, run his life, blahblahblah." I want him to OWN this one, know HE pushed the divorce through and has only himself to blame. He would LOVE it if I took responsibility for that too, and he could even in his sick head blame that on me. I get the same payments for the next 2 years with just the separation agreement, so I've got time to sit back and watch him squirm while she barks at him.

I don't need to do anything else legally to go into Plan B. I CAN tell him to direct all legal matters to my attorney, cut off contact, and be fine. But everyone is saying I need to go after him, file for D, make a big deal. I don't feel like I need to do that at this point. Certainly not necessary for entering Plan B, as we already have an agreement in place.

And yes, stepping out of their space to let them crash and burn on their own, while I make healthy decisions for myself and take steps toward healing for myself and my children is EXACTLY what my plan is. So why are we all confused??? I don't want my focus on WH and OW anymore. Not on bringing him back, loving him, hating him, making him miserable - just nothing. It is important to me to do the Plan B letter right - convey strength and love at the same time, and then that's that. I want the focus OFF of him and back ON myself and my kids.

What part of Utah are you in? I'm also in Utah.

SLC area.

Me too.

Really? Funny. Maybe we're neighbors:) Small world, huh? I didn't realize some of the names had locations on them til now.

Very small world.

I got it, and I'm close by, but I don't know how to edit, so I'd rather not post it. I would not care if you knew, but I wonder if my husband lurks on here - I tried to get him on here earlier on. He would be upset about me posting, and I would not want everyone I know to find out - you know?

I totally understand. This is your support group. You know?

So did you solve your IM stitch?
How about a plan B date?

I asked a friend to do it, but told her to take time to think about it - she's had some things going on in her own life and I don't want to stress her out. I think I just want to do it ASAP - he keeps calling and I keep ignoring, but I feel increasing tension. I just want to be able to ask him to leave me alone and have him understand why, know I've explained so I can block him. I need to hear back from her first and make sure I have an IM, or see if I need to ask someone else.

Also had a glitch in CS payment last time - 1st time in a year and a half. Kinda want to wait until Friday to make sure it goes smoothly this time before I cut off contact, but maybe not. If she gets back to me, I may not even wait until Friday. The last text I sent back to him after all the garbage this past weekend while he was on vacation with OW, sending texts that he hasn't damaged the kids - I have by not moving on, demanding a divorce, etc - my last text said basically, "Give me something worth signing and I'll have my lawyer look at it, and leave us all alone." So he kinda got the message to some extent, I guess.

Send your friend the IM training link and it will help ease her mind. It tells her exactly what to do.

A glitch in CS like you didn't get as much? Or none at all?

He was with the OW and I'm sure she's pressuring him.

He's contacting you because he wants to cake eat because his OW went back to her BH (for now).

Good idea on link.

Glitch as in it usually gets wired to my bank from his paycheck, simplest way for both of us, but he changed amounts to different banks due to a pay raise he was trying to hide from me, accidentally deleted my account, so my payment went to his account too. I think I believe him? (I knew about the raise, dork). Just want to make sure it's all ironed out and I get what I'm supposed to.

I was kidding, of course. Well, mostly:)

Maybe you're right on cake eating. No idea. Maybe he wants to scream and yell. Or tell me to write up the divorce so he can sign it. Or demand to see the kids he suddenly cares about. Or find some reason to make himself feel better for what he just did again. Who knows? I don't want to know. I just want to go dark. The more I see how I feel when those calls come in, the more I realize I need this.

Ok gotcha on the CS. I would make sure also.

I would probably only bump him with my big ol truck.

I know you need Plan B. I can hear your pain. You're up late do you work nights?

No, I work days, run kids evenings, and sit up nights on MB and working on Plan B the last few nights:) Not a great balance. I should go to bed. You?

Yes you need your sleep. We can't make good decisions with no sleep. Yup I'm at work now. No I'm not using the company computer Mr. Bossman! Haha

Your attorney thinks your filing on the grounds of adultery makes you look bad?

What??!!

Is he/she wayward?

Have you consulted many other attorneys?

You need a pitbull. One who gets it.