Thanks, Letty.
Indie - you do make sense...

What were your conditions for contact with WH that you gave to your IM before?

Do you want to raise them? I.e. insist he schedule a poly or give you a post nup before you are even asked by IM to come out of your plan again?

Another alternative (but I dont think you are quite here yet) is to Plan B him without ever giving him the chance of contact under any circumstances.

I have given my IM conditions under which I would agree to meet with WH. Only meet, though.

However I have aksed her to not pass on any messages post divorce. So no matter how repentant he is, once divorced, we're divorced. But until that point its important I give my marriage every chance. Just for my own sense of commitment.

You can Plan B even after Plan D. Many have done that here, including Melodylane.

It will help keep you at peace.

Indie - thanks for your thoughts.

I feel I gave my M every chance. Up to the point of my own well-being. Anything going further will be detrimental for my health. That's how I feel.

On the other hand, I do not hate WH and we have the kids together. I do not envision us being "friends", nor going to "outings together as a family", but although I thought before that I would plan B WH for life, I consider now having contact post-D if that does not affect me emotionally.

The conditions for contact were NC and willingness to work on M under my conditions. I never handed my conditions, but mentioned the poly and he said he would do it. He said he would do anything I wanted.

But as you could see, I can believe very little on what he says.

So why I am hesitating in going to Plan B again? I guess I am under the impression that I can handle contact with WH if we are not married.

I guess I want to test this theory having limited contact and see if I can handle it.

Does it sound silly? Am I making excuses? Appreciate input! Just please go easy if 2x4

I don't know why i am resisting Plan B so much.
Even reading my own post I see it sounds like an excuse.
I will re-think my "being in touch" strategy.

WH is wayward and nothing good can come out of contact with him.

Plan B. Need to be strong!

Thank you, BH.

I guess we posted at the same time and I missed it before.

Peace. That's what I need to focus on, not WH!

Plan B=Peace=estrela

You're so much stronger from when you first got here.

This is some major BS fog. What are you thinking here Estrela? Even if emotionally, you thought that you could handle contact with your WH, I wouldn't recommend it. At some point, you are probably going to want to date someone, and you shouldn't communicate with an ex. Which means, NC with your WH anyways. Also, communicating with your WH will lead him to believe that everything is okay, that what he did is accepted. You don't want that.

Get yourself into Plan B, and you can make any decisions you want after some much needed rest. No one will fault you for wanting to get a D, if that is your choice. We'll be here for you either way.

Why would you want to give him cake?

That's nuts. That's some nutty cake.

I'm doing pretty well and am healed, but even a little accidental contact gets me panicked - feels like a slash wound. Bad papercut at least.

I think you're bleeding so hard from the FR you're thinking: "I've survived this, I can handle a paper cut"

But you don't have to! You don't have to endure a million annoyances. The degradadation of him continuing to try without being fully serious. The degradation of his NOT continuing to try.

You don't - shouldn't - have to put up with any of that.

Put the dog out. Say no to a death of 1000 cuts.

Scotty, Indie,

Thanks for the advice and patience. Bear with me, I will get there.

I have to admit this is major BS fog. I am also thinking that I haven't had my needs met in a loooooooong while, and might be getting some from WH's attention. Twisted now that I think of it, but true.

Thanks for being here for me... appreciated.

In reviewing my journey so far through my posts, I put a list together of "thanks" for all people that have given me much much appreciated advice so far. Wouldn't be sane (relatively speaking of course :)) without you

Scotty, BH, Neak, Caracal,livensi and Indie
plus Melody (the bestest), Pepper, BR, TigerW, SW, kr, SugarCane, pokerface, maritalbliss, Letty and many others

THANK YOU!

Um yeah, we know. We have done this too?

Now let's get this toxic drug outta your system ASAP with some cold turkey and pedicures Plan B style.

I'm sorry, but I'm not going to 'bear with you' and you will not 'get there' if 'there' is a place where cold turkey won't feel painful at first. It will. Deal with it.

Actually I'm not sorry at all to say that!

There is not a single reason to wait one more minute for Plan B.

Allowing WH the privilege of being able to reach you after he has just spit in your face, is unacceptable.

x2

It's one thing when your WS puts you in a meatgrinder...it's another story when you put yourself there KNOWING he will keep grinding you up. Don't sign up for that...it will only lead to you being mad at YOURSELF. Please stop.

OK, I am onboard for Plan B - Part II - Mission Impossible.

Now, practical question.

How do I tell WH? Another letter? Final phone call (so dramatic)? E-mail? Just disappear without leaving a forwarding address?

sorry, i must have missed a step here. how did you end up conversing w/WH if he hadn't actually TAKEN the poly? just saying he'll do it isn't enough. he has to schedule it and do it. that's how he proves his words. words alone = nothing. just blahblahblah.

Agree, Letty.

I am not really conversing with WH. He reached me a couple of times with "I want to do whatever it takes" speech, and I kept pushing back, but feeling thorn inside.

Once I confirmed he is still lying, I cut off conversation, but by then he was comfortable enough to see say hi during drop offs and pick ups. He was also discussing changes in the schedule directly with me. And sometimes throwing some "seductive little messages" in the mix.

For example, on mother's day, he came pick up the kids and asked me if I wanted to go with them and spend the day in the park "as a family". (puking emoticon)

He does not know that I confirmed he is lying so he is still pretending he is in NC with OW. His argument is that SH (he had one consult with him) told him to do NC and NC plan together with me.

WH decided that if I am not "onboard", he does not have to do anything. He does not see the point of doing things by himself.

So ... I guess I am conversing enough with WH. Time to put a stop and go back dark.

So still, should I send him a note like:

"WH,
I am going back to Plan B. I find it better for my peace and emotional well-being.
I am waiting from "IM Name" to confirm that she can still be the IM. The drop offs and pick ups of the kids can continue as usual.
I need to heal, and this is the best way for me.
Estrela"

Does he know about Plan B?

Estrela, I would re-write a PBL. I would let him know, as you give him the letter, that you know that he hasn't ended contact with OW and that he must go NC for LIFE with OW before you would consider breaking PB this time.

Get dark.

I read your last post, and I was cringing. What are you doing to yourself? Come on Estrela, you can do this.

You know what? There have been moments during my long PB where I have thought, "I'm over him enough, I could handle talking to him directly." And then, I look at my motivation. You know what it is? I know that my WH WOULD meet some small ENs for me, and I wanted them met. I would also think that there was a chance that I could do or say something that would have a positive effect on my WH. Crazy huh? I am glad that I had this place to keep me accountable. This way, I haven't led myself down the wrong road.

Estrela, you know that you need to get into PB. It's not giving up on your marriage, it's about protecting yourself. You need that.

And ensure that the exchanges are done dark again.

Scotty et All,

Thanks for the support and for keeping me in the good road. You are all right, I do not need this contact with WH, and do not want to give him cake or get crumbs from him either.

I spent the weekend away with the kids and it was great. NC wih WH, just nature, sun and kids, cannot get better than this.

I know WH can try to reach me at anytime so I am getting ready for letting him know of Plan B. My IM is onboard again.

Scotty - I cannot give him another PB letter. I am not open at all to R or to work with him on anything.

I think I will just tell him I need to go back to Plan B as having contact with him (as a wayward/ in general?) is not healthy for me. He will of course deny being a W, but I won't engage in conversation. I could do this in person or by e-mail.

nevermind