What's the harm in letting him know if he shapes up, there's a way home?

In any case you need to let him know you won't have contact until then, and a Plan B letter is the best way to do so.

RS, Listen to what is being posted you are getting really good advice. I know its hard, but as well as their experience they can look at the situation and see things clearly without the emotional investment you have. I know its hard reconciling the alien with your H, but until he comes out of the fog and is no longer wayward the man you know is gone.

Yes the OW is controlling, manipulating and fuelling his anger(same in my stich) but unfortunattely you cannot control this. Somehow you need to draw on your inner strength and let this go. Hopefully in time your WH will face reality and see her flaws. Until then focus your energies on yourself and your children. Protect you and your children, give yourself time to heal, help your children heal from the trauma, be happy and do something for yourself - maybe a bit of well deserved pampering.

I agree with karma. Yes send the Plan b letter. If he ever removed his head from his you know what you want to give him a path home. Hence the Plan B letter.

You need Plan B sooner than later. Even if. It goes all the way to D.

Okay. Thanks, everyone.

So, Black Raven, would you still IM for me? I couldn't see how that would work before, but after reading some other threads on here, I have a better idea. With WH's recent behavior, I'm reluctant to put my friend in the middle, although she is a tough lady and a mutual friend for years. Her husband is also a mutual friend and would help IM, I'm sure, although I didn't ask him. My WH always called her "the general" in a joking way (to her face, not behind her back, just like he thought it was funny). So he respects her, but still I hesitate to put her in the middle at this point.

If I had you do it, I'm not sure about even telling him it's an IM - he might go ballistic. What about the thought I've seen on here of setting up an email address just for him, telling him that's for our critical communication, and giving you the password? In fact, all the info so you can change the password and I can't even access it? Then you could screen his garbage, and only pass along what I really needed? (Wow, how fun would that be? Are you sure you're up for this?)

Or maybe it's better to be upfront and try the IM approach first and if he refuses, revert to Plan B of Plan B. I don't know though. The point is my peace of mind and sanity, not his. So whatever is the best route to that, which may be just not telling him about an IM.

Thoughts anyone? I'm just bouncing them around right now. Undecided on pretty much everything, except the certainty of Plan B (just undecided on best way to implement), and trying to get the PO.

And what about the kids? If he's doing the psycho demanding to see the kids thing, just ignore it? They don't want to see him and I'm not going to make them, even if I can't get a PO. Or do I have to deal with that with him?

I do not think any judge worth his salt would object to your withholding the kids at this point.

You definitely need an IM but I don't think you should have the password to the email account. An IM is a spam filter. A good one will filter for you.

RS I haven't read the threads referring to a separate email account, but I think it may refer to the IM seting up a separate email address for IM communication. The IM remains anonymous. My MB IM did this.

You have a MB IM? Okay, that makes me feel better. Yes, that sounds like a good idea. So much less emotion. Thank you.

Yes my IM is a MBer and she is a real asset. I personally believe MB IMs are best, they know the principles and understand what we are going through.

As I mentioned in an earlier post I think Blackraven would be ideal. She has experience, is on board with MB and has been vouched for by other posters.

Rainy, given your recent VERY upsetting events, I would definitely recommend sending the standard Plan B leter (with the standard offer of marital recovery providing WH meets your conditions).

ESPECIALLY given you are entering Plan B after such events. WH and YOU are likely to be on a roller coaster at the moment. This leaves YOUR door open.

You may close it. WH may never knock. Who cares? Right now, it means that you have done all you can, and left your options open to what YOU may want in future, should your WH ever show remorse and MEET YOUR BAR.

I agree with Caracal and the other posters. It leaves your options open for the future, rather than reacting to an unpleasant situation. Going dark will give you the opporunity to heal and focus on yourself. Later down the track when your in a better place and able to make decisions not based on traumatic experiences, then you can decide the path you would like to take. You will also find that you will be strong enough to follow that path. You can still file for D to protect yourself and children, going dark will give you the clarity and strength to D if thats the path you choose.

rainy, the others are right. You have even more reason than before to go into Plan B. The Plan B letter should be just as we suggested. And yes, you should file for divorce! Send the letter as we suggested so you can keep your options open. The plan does not change just because your husband has an outburst.

I would strongly advise you to change your locks TODAY. When you go into Plan B, I predict your husband will do everything to get you to break Plan B, including coming into the house. Think through every possible breech of contact and make a plan to circumvent it. Tell your kids about your plan and tell them they are not to let their dad in the house or hand you the phone.

And I would most definitely tell him to send all contact through your IM. He will resist it at first, but when he sees you are serious [and you will have to seriously reject his attempts to get through!] he will go through the IM.

Its not a hard job being an IM if you do it right. And I believe Blackraven would do it right. She has been around here for a long time and does not get intimidated easily.

I will

Rainy, can you post your latest Plan B letter again. In light the WH's meltdown, I would likely make some changes.

Even you can not get a Protective Order, at the very least you should still file a police report for documentation purposes. I do not think they can refuse having a police report made.

The police will not document 'domestic' issues as a report without investigation. This is a common mistake that I often correct (as a police dispatcher). Domestic disputes (whether verbal or physical) are just too dangerous. People like to try and report things to the police "in case anything happens in the future" but such a report is not acceptable, at least anymore since domestic violence has been 'accepted' as a legitimate threat in relationships.

The police will be willing to speak with our OP and make a report but they will want to investigate the issue as well, there is no "for report purposes" only.

The other side to this is that people who are not in danger (particularly in custody disputes) will make these reports up to try and get their partner 'in trouble' and that is another reason investigations are done.

Black_Raven,

Please check your MB profile & update your email address. The current address indicates it's no longer a valid address.

I did do it! I sent the most loving letter at a time when all I really wanted to do was hit him with a large stick.

I'm so glad I did it,

It keeps the doubts away that come on the long nights. In Plan B you wonder if he's changed and you get tempted to make contact. Knowing he has a way home reassures you. You'll know you did all you could. That makes divorce easier.

Plus he could still be in there underneath the newly arrived addict.

Remember that the addict wants you mad at him, so you give up and he gets to keep WHs body.

Rather than give up, just form firm boundaries and proceed with your plans to create a happy life for you and you alone - without any doubts should he choose not to repent.

Rainysweet,

I want to reiterate what I've alread said. Send the Plan B letter. It's part of Plan B and gives your WH a path home if he ever chooses.

How did it go with the cops today?

I got a police report. An officer was dispatched to my house. If talking to me and WH was considered an 'investigation', I guess that was enough.

That *does* qualify as an investigation some people are under the impression that they can make reports to police without the other party at least beieng spoken to (ie. I don't want him to know that a report has been made about him). Just wanted to clarify