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Ok. This is really awkward. I really hoped my first post after a long hiatus from the site would be something like, thanks for all the help, life is great now! But we can do re-introductions later�

I�m in a sticky situation w/my coworker and you all are the best people to ask. But please don�t read if emotional affairs are a trigger for you.

My coworker�s husband is deployed. Since he�s been gone, I noticed she�s spending a lot of time with a guy who works nearby. I think she�s having an emotional affair. I�m pretty sure it�s emotional (they talk all the time/google chat all day, he goes to her kid�s games, he comes by the office every other day if not daily, they do lunch couple times a week (and he brings her stuff on the days they don�t go). The other day, he came in and gave her an extra long hug that lasted until I rustled my papers to remind them that I�m still in my cubby (even though they couldn�t see me). I didn�t hear any �kissing,� just a lot of back rubbing, so I know it�s not �technically� an affair. But it really bothers me. Her husband and I are both military, and I have a lot of respect for him. I wouldn�t dare tell him about this while he�s deployed, because they�re still under fire over there and I don�t want him distracted. But I don�t know how I can look him in the eye when he gets back.

My ex had an emotional affair and sent me a dear-john letter when I was in the middle of MY 6 month military trip, so even though I know it�s none of my business I am just having a hard time letting it go.

Does this kind of thing bother you? How can I let it go? What would you do?


"If you will stop feeding your feelings, then they will stop controlling you" -Joyce Meyer
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I would tell my coworker that her "friend" has all the smellings of an affair and you would appreciate it if she would keep her nastiness out of your work space. Lol. No, really, I would probably say something like, "Whoring it up while the old man is away, eh?" and smile and rib her and then punch her in the mouth.

Okay, seriously...does she know about your history? Are you two friends? Is this a military job? Can you go to command?

More seriously, can you ask about her husband when this dude comes in? And you know you need to tell her husband.


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Track down the husband and let him know. He is out defending her freedom and does not deserve this.

Also, if the guy she is involved with is married, let his wife know. And his kids if he has any. Or his girlfriend.

Finally, tell your boss how much this is bothering you. It is creating a hostile work environment that you should not have to deal with. That may lead to changes for your personal comfort as well as new policies that will cause trouble in the affair and possibly help them break it off. They may already be violating company policies.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
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If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Being as this one deals with an affair, I'd definitely suggest the mods move it over, even though, thank God, it's not an affair involving your family. smile You'll get more responses.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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As an employer I would want this situation reported to me. I would get legal counsel and talk with this employee. I would approach this as to how it is affecting the work environment and seriously take into account how its affecting co-workers witnessing the misconduct. I assume you are very offended and distracted from fully doing your job and this woman involved in the affair is obviously distracted and behaving offensively in front of her co-workers. This needs to be documented.

Last edited by graceful2b; 05/09/12 04:00 PM.

BW 58
WH 61
married 35 years
2 adult children
2 grandchildren

"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" c.s. lewis
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Originally Posted by graceful2b
As an employer I would want this situation reported to me. I would get legal counsel and talk with this employee. I would approach this as to how it is affecting the work environment and seriously take into account how its affecting co-workers witnessing the misconduct. I assume you are very offended and distracted from fully doing your job and this woman involved in the affair is obviously distracted and behaving offensively in front of her co-workers. This needs to be documented.

I can�t (won�t) do all that. This place is affair-rampant. I am already on bad terms with the office for telling another coworker not to go out with someone when she is only separated and hasn�t filed for divorce yet. I wouldn�t have butt in, because people don�t appreciate that, but I thought she and I shared the same faith and plus it could impact her financial standing if her STBX used it as evidence of an affair (even though he, himself, was having an affair). Everyone reacted so strongly, and my shunning still impacts my ability to do my job.

The only person in the work environment it is affecting is me. Others are quite happy for her.

What I�m looking for is help dealing with the moral aspect of it. How do I set this aside? Or, if I should contact him, how can I possibly do this without hurting myself in the long run? I hate to be so selfish, but I�m only now finally getting back on my feet after the divorce and I just can�t afford to have my world crashing down again because I can�t work with people (which is why I �lost� my last job).


"If you will stop feeding your feelings, then they will stop controlling you" -Joyce Meyer
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Ok, now it gets weirder. Maybe she realizes I was upset after the hug. Because she just told me how this guy asked her out to dinner and made her feel uncomfortable. She says now she�s gonna have to stop hanging out with him.

I got all happy and start talking about how I�m happy to hear this because it�s such a tough line to walk and more people should stay away from �that line.�

It�s only after I leave the office to work out and start thinking about it that I realize she said a lot of things that didn�t add up to reality. And it hits me that she probably only said that to keep me from thinking there was something inappropriate going on. I don�t want to commit a DJ here, but there�s defiantly something inappropriate about the whole thing. His visits and hugs have been longer and longer. What man goes to watch her elementary school kids ball games if he�s not �interested� when he has a wife and kids back home in another state?

Now I�m mad at the situation and even MORE mad that she got me talking with her about boundaries as if I thought she was good about boundaries. I feel stupid, and I even more so want to send some kind of anonymous card to both her husband and this guys family saying, you might wanna check into this.

Someone help me to stop feeling so spiteful when I don�t even have any proof. Sigh.


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Anonymous is not the way to go. Can you covertly snap some photos, record some convos? I would ask the spouses to not mention you when/if they confront their rutting pigs, and tell them a little about your own experience and how you would have liked to have been told, and your own job concerns, but you are going to need proof. Camera shot of a hug should do it. It would work for me.

Don't expose out of spite. Do it because it is right.

Meanwhile, try to find better employment.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
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Thanks CWMI. How are you doing? I was trying to find "your thread" but there were so many posts to swim through I'm not sure which is it. I'm guessing you've changed the title..?


"If you will stop feeding your feelings, then they will stop controlling you" -Joyce Meyer
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Agree her BH needs to know and OM's SO.

What does she say if you ask her "so is your BH ok with your very friendly friendship with OM"?


FWW/BW (me)
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by DaisyTheCat2
Thanks CWMI. How are you doing? I was trying to find "your thread" but there were so many posts to swim through I'm not sure which is it. I'm guessing you've changed the title..?

All my threads are dead, and we are doing great! My last one was "Duped", but all those issues are worked out now, too. smile no complaints! How weird is THAT? Lol.

I'm glad to see you are doing okay, even if moral dillemas are still plaguing you. You know the right thing to do.


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Originally Posted by DaisyTheCat2
Someone help me to stop feeling so spiteful when I don�t even have any proof.

They are hugging each other and being intimate with each other in the office. That's proof!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

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Originally Posted by DaisyTheCat2
What I�m looking for is help dealing with the moral aspect of it. How do I set this aside? Or, if I should contact him, how can I possibly do this without hurting myself in the long run? I hate to be so selfish,

Quote
Someone help me to stop feeling so spiteful

I'm not going to brand you selfish or anything else; you'll have to make your own decision about what to do with this. But we often try to help wayward husbands and wives here understand that they need to think less about their own feelings and more about the feelings of their victims. In this case of course you haven't victimized anybody and don't have any blame here at all, but there is a victim, possibly two, and I think it would be good for you (to me Marriage Builders is very much about building character!) to try to replace thoughts of your own feelings with thoughts of the feelings of those people. Maybe with that in place at least you can feel different. And I'll confess I hope it spurs you to action as well, but at the very least it may be the path to what you are asking for: how to change your own feelings.

If you think you feel bad witnessing this, just think how that faithful military man is going to feel when he finds out.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by DaisyTheCat2
I am already on bad terms with the office for telling another coworker not to go out with someone when she is only separated and hasn�t filed for divorce yet.

Isn't it amazing how people absolutely don't want to listen to suggestions that really can help them? Most of us just simply run away from anything that makes us uncomfortable, or punish the messenger!

One of the most helpful things I've heard Dr. Harley suggest is that he doesn't offer people unsolicited advice. When they come asking for it, he gives it, but he doesn't go out and offer it as people usually don't want to hear it. (In my experience they usually don't want it when they come asking for it! My dad used to end discussions with me by saying "Look, if you didn't really want to hear my advice, why did you ask?" I guess I'm human like everybody else.)

I have no idea if confronting a dating married divorcing person is unsolicited advice or not. On this forum I feel that anyone posting is soliciting advice and feedback. smile In person I don't know ... I might tend to just go off and let their spouse and children know. smile


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by DaisyTheCat2
Thanks CWMI. How are you doing? I was trying to find "your thread" but there were so many posts to swim through I'm not sure which is it. I'm guessing you've changed the title..?

When you click on someone's name on one of their posts and access the "View posts" link, there is a link on their posts page to "topics created." (It's kind of in the upper left-hand corner.) It's usually helpful in finding someone's "official" thread, although thread moves and merges, and people starting dozens of threads, can make it difficult.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by CWMI
Meanwhile, try to find better employment.

Now, that is good advice!

Quote
Don't expose out of spite. Do it because it is right.

And that, too. Make it not about your feelings, but the feelings of the victims! Be a compassionate person!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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[quote=markosWhen you click on someone's name on one of their posts and access the "View posts" link, there is a link on their posts page to "topics created." (It's kind of in the upper left-hand corner.) It's usually helpful in finding someone's "official" thread, although thread moves and merges, and people starting dozens of threads, can make it difficult. [/quote]

Yes. It is. And if you click on CWMI's name, you get pages of pages of posts without any of them appearing to be her thread (like I mentioned above). I remembered it as "duped" and, as she said above, it was closed out awhile ago.

Last edited by DaisyTheCat2; 05/10/12 09:31 AM.

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So what have you decided to do about your wayward coworker?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by DaisyTheCat2
I am already on bad terms with the office for telling another coworker not to go out with someone when she is only separated and hasn�t filed for divorce yet.

Isn't it amazing how people absolutely don't want to listen to suggestions that really can help them? Most of us just simply run away from anything that makes us uncomfortable, or punish the messenger!

That�s really easy to say online.

The REASON I got moved into this new job is BECAUSE I told the other coworker to stop fooling around while she was still married and the whole unit ganged up on me, gave me a poor performance report and basically �fired me� by moving me to another unit on base. I�m in the military. It�s not like I can just pick up and move to a new company.

Now I�m in the same situation AGAIN. With someone who is friends with the other girl and KNOWS all of that history. I was hoping you guys could tell me how to do the right thing without bringing this kind of retribution on myself AGAIN.

It appears that the answer is �There�s no way to do that.� Which is unfortunate.

Last edited by DaisyTheCat2; 05/10/12 09:33 AM.

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How did you tell the coworker to stop fooling around?

How about email the Harleys on the radio show?

You don't want to put your job in jeopardy, but that BH needs to be told.

You could do it anonymous, but that's usually advised against.

Can you go to a chaplain or someone in command who would support you?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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