Great idea about the snapping. I will be hurting my wrist quite a bit.

Yeah, some best friend, huh?

Some years ago, when I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, my doctor recommended "The Power of Now." The first part of the book helped a lot. The part where the author discusses the torture of the racing thoughts that I was unable to stop resonated with me. That was my problem in a nutshell. I had to keep reminding myself that "at this current moment I am having no troubles," "there is nothing at all wrong with my life right now." I still do that when necessary.

I couldn't get through the rest of the book, because it seemed to be full of a great deal of "new-agey mumbo jumbo," which doesn't help me much, personally.

I'm not sure I would find it such a helpful book to read in your situation, because you DO have something pretty troubling going on. Maybe the first few chapters are enough to get you to focus on the things that ARE right with your life, such as having a job, having your health, etc.

My brain was so fritzed out after D-Day that I had a hard time concentrating on much of anything, so I read SAA to get an idea of the plan I needed to take, then stuck to lighter stuff for pure enjoyment, to get my mind off my sorrow.

Maybe you can check out some books on a new hobby or activity or some good fun fiction or some helpful non-fiction that will help you in your finances or health or cooking?

This all sounds like good progress to me!

You're not idealising him any more, you aren't thinking of him through the haze of your lovebank.

You're more thinking of what he could have had, could have given you and completely failed to do.

You're in the stage that I like to call 'viewing the horror show in the rear view mirror'

There is a stage, and its not a fun stage, where you emerge from the worst of the pain. At this stage you're clear headed and rational enough to look back at the car crash you just went through.

Do you picture yourself at the worst? Remember the sobbing? I did.

It isn't fun. But allow yourself to process these thoughts. Use the rubber band more for preventing romantic day dreams.

It doesn't last long as a stage. And as for thinking 'in the now' - well I agree with that but some pain is part of your 'now'. Process it first and then move on.

I felt it was a very important stage and one that gave me perspective.

Its like looking back down a mountain you've climbed past numerous brinks and thinking - wow that was treacherous. And I did it! It nearly scraped off half my skin but I'm still here.

Never thought of it that way. You are completely right though, I feel different, so I must have reached a different stage. I've settled into the grief with a clear head and now am feeling it acutely because I see the pure stupidity, selfishness, tragedy and waste that occured. I see the pain in it's extreme that I went through and the joy that we had previous to that and feel angry and depressed about it all.

I will try not to dwell on the sad, angry thoughts of WH but will snap myself if I do so too much or if I start to think of our romantic moments.

I have a confession to make. I made my mom go onto WH's email account to see if he had purchased any plane tickets to come up here. I have his email password and have a perfect record so far of not peaking after going into Plan B. However I had to know about the tickets so I instructed my mom to look thoroughly, tell me yes or no and nothing else. It looks like there are no plane tickets and this has eased my mind quite a bit for the upcoming holiday weekend. I realize that he could drive or have gotten tickets some other way but I doubt it. He knows nothing about getting tickets except for online and because I always made our travel arrangements. He could drive, but the last day I spoke with him he told me he was only able to get 4 days off and it is over 20 hours driving each way.

I still plan to go for a road trip with 2 girlfriends. One of them has volunteered her friend's cabin on Lake Superior and was sweet enough to let me bring my dog. We are only going for one day (they aren't available the other days) but I'm excited for this trip and some time away with my best girls and my pup.

The road trip sounds amazing.

Good for you for confessing in slipping up in your plan.

Vow not to sneak into his email again. Get someone who is willing to be tough on you to change it and not tell you.

Do you think it would be ok for my IM to ask him to change his email password because I know it? I don't want someone else to change it because then he won't know the password or they'd have to contact him with the new password.

If he planned to take the dogs home with him, he'd drive. So still take extraordinary precautions.

I wouldn't tell him about the password, as that sends a subliminal message to him that you really don't want to send in Plan B.

If it was me personally, I'd just get it changed.

You don't consider the waywards feelings in Plan B.

Hell think he's going mad and then hell be asked to redo the password using security qs.

The important thing is you won't know what it is.

Its too big a temptation to peek. I know I would peek with that sort of password in my possession. And I'm happier not being able to peek.

Despite working this weekend I had a lovely Saturday night.

I got home from work tired but a girlfriend talked me into go to a dance/fundraiser at my synagogue. I wore a little black strapless dress and felt girly. We danced a bit then went home, changed, and took my dog walking in the woods by our creek. It started raining and it was a bit magical getting soaked in the warm rain.

It started thundering and I went home and watched the lightning over Lake Superior from my bedroom windows in the dark. I love the smell of rain and opened the windows wide. My pup cuddled up close because he is afraid of thunder and we fell asleep listening to the rain. It was lovely. I was surprised to not feel a bit lonely. I felt content.

You know you've arrived where you need to be when you really enjoy your own company. (And the dog)

I know how you feel and how surprising it is. I expected to be lonely in Plan B and I never am.

EXACTLY!!! And when you have the thought about how special someone would need to be to share this moment, rather than wanting to fling yourself at anyone simply to avoid feeling alone.

I admit to strong desires to have a RA shortly upon entering Plan B, anything to stop the pain. Now I enjoy being "single" with the time it allows me for ME (although still married on paper and upholding my end). Well done on your progress, know that you are growing as a person...

I also have "The Power of Now" and didn't finish it for the same reason. It does help in that it helps you try to stay in the present so you enjoy this moment instead of being in the past or the future and depriving yourself of the full enjoyment of right now. So many people are so busy regretting the past or worrying about the future, they miss enjoying the now.

I agree, you need to make yourself as inaccessible to him as he should be to you.

AAAHHHH! I had an incredible urge to call WH last night because I was feeling terrible and it's all because I was silly and irresponsible.

Here's why:

I feel like a terrible neighbor and an immature, irresponsible dog owner. I'm ashamed to admit this on here, but I let my dog poop in my neighbor's yard and got a talking to yesterday (well deserved). My neighbor is very sweet but was angry and I felt sooo guilty and ashamed.

I am keeping a close eye on the dog AT ALL TIMES from now on so he can't sneak off into her yard when I turn my back.

Because of my guilt and shame over this I really felt the need to call WH last night so I could commiserate with him about how terrible I felt. I resisted and DID NOT call him, thank goodness, I would have felt worse. However, I did spent a while thinking about him and came to the realization that I am still very much in love with him and "addicted" to him. Why??? After all he's done to me, why do I still love him? I guess I just need to give it more time.

Maybe last night was the first road bump where I did something stupid and needed to bask in the warm reassuring and familiar glow of my marriage. It threw me back into the reality that no, that does not exist anymore and I will have to find other ways to deal with my mistakes.

Oh and I was thinking maybe an additional apology note and flowers for my sweet neighbor who found herself cleaning up dog poop in her flower garden yesterday because of MY NEGLIGENCE. ARRGHH!

Sometimes it may be difficult to tell the difference between feelings of attachment vs feelings of love. Attachment can be determined by needs or fears of loss.

Good point. I do have a need to have intimate discussions about everyday problems and when WH isn't there to do this I feel a loss. That may be what I am feeling right now, not necessarily that I'm still in love with the man.

You are used to turning to him, so it's understandable you're feeling this sense of loss. Maybe find a friend or relative you can talk over your day with instead? (female)

I'm glad you resisted the urge! You don't need to let him meet your ENs right now!

Confession time for Hoping -- my first major slip up in Plan B

I felt I was doing so well until I received a letter from WH in the mail when I arrived home from work last night. My heart was in my throat and I felt panicked. I knew I was supposed to throw it away but I read it. Twice.

I cried, a lot. Just opening the letter, I cried. I haven't cried for weeks. It did not feel good.

I was hoping this letter would tell me yes, he would meet all of my plan b conditions and we could start over. Of course, it was more of the same. He apologized for the pain he had caused me to go through and for writing the letter against my wishes. He said he wrote it anyway because he felt he needed to keep trying because he couldn't bear the thought of losing me. He said he never truly realized the extent to which he loved me and needed me until he lost me. He told me about his work, his daily activities, and his favorite baseball team. He said he hoped we could work things out and "see each other's point of view" so that we could be together again. He said he prayed to god to protect me from more suffering. He requested that I write him a letter so he would know how I was doing.

There was no mention of radical honesty or taking a polygraph. More of the same nice words, no actions.

You can imagine how I feel now. Sad. All of the memories came poring back and he is now in my head again. I miss him. I know that this letter did not convince me of anything but it brought me back into the mourning phase. The worst part? I don't know if I could throw away another letter from him. I really wanted to read this one and I didn't even consider throwing it out without reading it. Just getting the letter is a trigger and then wondering what is in it. However, reading it is worse. Now the words in the letter are racing through my head and it will take me days to stop them.

Why won't he just tell me everything and then take the polygraph? In my Plan B letter it clearly states that we can work on our marriage as soon as he tells me everything and then verifies it with a polygraph. The truth must be pretty bad if he wants me back so much but would rather lose me than tell the truth.

Hoping - I guess you know what to do. Back to plan B. There is no point in keeping his words in your mind. Get super busy. Treat yourself to something nice.