(Re point #1 above, when WS started messing about, staying out late/overnight, her mom i.e. MIL said to me: "throw her out -- lock her out and don't let her in!". Thing is, I couldn't enforce that, because I have to leave the house to take kids to school, and myself to work. If I'd changed locks, she could've got police involved -- and at that time I had no evidence like I do now, and the impossibility of proving adultery would've put me at a disadvantage, esp. vis-a-vis step-son etc... Does this sound like I'm making excuses for inertia? I am DESPERATE to act, but I am DESPERATE that the actions be the right ones to secure my daughter into my custody.)

Open question: on the Exposure 101 audience, could there be a "5. Biological father of step-son"? tagged to the end of the list? Anyone out there with experience untangling the step-child/biological-child custodial knot?! THANX!!!!

That would be a great exposure.


A wide spread exposure to the contacts of the AP will likely bring any girlfriends and parents out of the wood work. Just be sure and include your email and phone # in the exposure letter.


I wouldn't expose there unless she is a teacher or a pastor.



I would definitely set up a facebook account with your full name. Put a picture of yourself, your wife and your children as your FB picture so others can see. This exposure will likely be very powerful because OM usually have other girlfriends. You will flush any potential GF's out of the woodwork. And hopefully you can get to his parents and family members.

I would suggest that you copy and paste the OM's contacts into a WORD doc now for safekeeping.

Hi BrainHurts. Twice you mention contacts of AP: from where do I get those? Facebook doesn't openly list them, does it? Doesn't "AP" refer to the "OM" in this case? (Newbie questions...) I.e. from where do I "cut-and-paste OM's contacts into a Word document" etc?

Here are two excellent threads to help with those newbie questions.

Acronyms and Abbreviations

Thread to Help Newly Betrayed Posters

Facebook: a backdoor to see more information

Can you look at OM's facebook page? If so this is where you get his contact friend's list.

Did you try that backdoor facebook thread I posted for you?

Btw, what is "wa"?

"Wa" is a Japanese term approximately translatable to "heart", "spirit", or "fight". The undefeatable, the indefatigable, are said to posses much "wa".

Thanks, both. (Sounds like 'wa' is a more purposeful, driven form of 'chi'...)

Looks like I need two Fb accounts: mine (complete with family pictures etc), and my alter-ego's (for backdoor info-gathering). Correct?

Whatever way you can gather the Intel.

Hi BrainHurts,
Thanks. I've set up faux account, and am viewing OM's page, but either he's been very canny and somehow hidden all his friends, or I'm not looking in the right places -- but either way, I can't see any listing of any contacts and/or friends. Any ideas?

(I have seen that my dear wife "likes" nearly every posting he's put up.. :-)

Thanks & all the best in yours,
ii

Silly me - I think I've got it: the idea is to COMPILE a list, from people who've posted comments of "like"d his stuff etc. Got it, I think.

(I know, I know - I'm so 19th century...)

So when are you planning on exposing?

What's optimal timing for an exposure, Exposure 101-style? After challenging WS or finding truth from WS? Or is it through the exposure that WS is supposed to learn of BS's knowledge?

So, in direct answer to your question, I dunno for sure, BrainHurts. Analysis-paralysis has probably kicked in. Plus a new event:
today wife sent me a txt message asking if I could drop her by the hospital, after picking her up from the train station after work. I said OK, and "what's up re hospital"? She replied (in part): "have infected stomach bloated and now sore...usual girl stuff so need antibiotics".

B*llsh*t.

At least, that's what my now-suspicious mind tells me, betting that either a) she's missed her period, or b) picked up a present from her recent solo trip abroad (a "treat" for her self for having landed a new job, five months on).

So. It's taking ALL of my self-restraint to NOT challenge her right now, when I go pick her up from hospital. I know that she'll argue back and deny. She has once or twice in the past also thrown in an "I don't care what you do, so you shouldn't care what I do", just for good measure -- and I wouldn't be surprised if she deployed that tonight as well.

But worst thing is I haven't done the Facebook exposures to OM's contacts, nor the email exposures to WS's friends. Having an outburst now will probably ruin my "tsunami of truth", hence my forcing myself to restraint. How do I hold my tongue?

And, back to my opening question, what's the best timing for an exposure, Exposure 101-style? After challenging WS or finding truth from WS? Or is it through the exposure that WS is supposed to learn of BS's knowledge?

Thanks. My stomach is in knots, and my heart-rate is up. :-)

WS's participation has no part in exposure. You put together evidence of the affair until you are satisfied that it is adequate to provide "reasonable" assurance of what is going on. It does NOT have to be an iron-clad, judicially presentable, case. Then you hit the entire world with what you know, and ask for their help in restoring your marriage.

The best exposures hit the WS like the 2004 tsunami that struck Banda Aceh - devastating, all-powerful, and without warning.

Talk about your Hobbs' Choice! A [censored] child or an STD - which would be worse for her to bring home?

Hobbs' Choice: I'm conscious there MAY be a third, innocent explanation. But I'm equally aware I have been fooled by her honeyed words and even her aggressively vehement defence of herself.

I'm provisionally setting E-Day as Mon 28 May. Our daughter was seven just two days ago (15 May), and she has a party this Sat 19 May. WS "has plans" ("why the @^�*@^ didn't we just have people come here on Tue, and not have to do any entertaining on the weekend?!"), and is set on leaving Fri, coming home briefly on Sat for daughter's party, then leaving again, to return Sun or Mon. I want the little girl to enjoy the focus of her birthday.

I also need more evidence, altho' I suspect I'll get no more, because her new work laptop means WS'll seldom again use the home laptop, on which I'd installed the inestimable Family Cyber Alert (FCA) for evidence-gathering duties.

My main evidence comes from a number of screenshots (and keylogger text files) that capture WS's argument with OM. He accuses her of now being free to move on to XYZ (another male) now that she has got him (OM) "out of the way"; and of behaving like a single woman (the cheek of it!). She counter-accuses him of inappropriate conversations with his ex-girlfriends, and in breath-takingly explicit and denigrating language, tells him to get lost. He responds by begging her: "I need you" -- then calling her on my home number in my house! Upon reading up to that point I all but threw up :-). I burst out laughing instead. I think my mirth was born out of relief -- relief that I wasn't insane, I hadn't been falsely accusing an innocent person, and relief that I had never lowered myself to begging, even in the dimmest days. I have evidence -- but is it solid evidence? Does it convince even you, gentle readers? Thanx as usual...

igiiroko, I would expose the affair after she leaves on Saturday. That would be the perfect time to expose it. You have no reason to delay any longer.

And I am very curious about how she manages to get out of the house alive to shag some guy. My own husband would never tolerate that and he is a very peaceful guy. How does she get out?

So MelodyLane, you mean exposing on Sat before challenging WS, and have it be that the exposure is the first she knows of my discovery?

I first confronted her head-on about this 18 months ago. On our drive home from a party at which OM was the DJ, WS sent txt msg and subsequently fell asleep: WS to OM: "I love you and only you baby." OM to WS: "I love only you too. Missing you already. Let me rescue you." I resisted the temptations to throw her bodily out of the car on the highway, and to drive back to London and dump her in front of his home -- to where I'd just given him a lift with all his rig etc. I challenged her the next day, and she swore blind it was just a drunken msg, and she even had him call me to say so. I told him "Maybe she was drunk. But you weren't, so what was your excuse?" No answer. I said to them: "I can't stand in the way of such exclusive love between two people. It hurts, but at least you've got each other. Just let's deal with this cleanly and honestly." She insisted nothing was amiss. This, btw, was on top of my discovering that her "innocently" asking me about Morocco was because he had a New Year's gig in Morocco, and she had the audacity to even contemplate taking the kids with her on the tryst!

Since then, I've bided my time. I've now got what I believe to be evidence, and I want to get the timing and method of both "confrontation" and "exposure" just right: get it wrong, and she'll leave with not just her son/my step-son, but also our daughter. I don't want custody of the boy -- ideally, he'd be returned to his father in Australia, and that would eliminate any need for me to ever see WS again -- and I absolutely want custody of my daughter. UK courts don't like to separate siblings, hence my extreme care/hesitation. My brain hurts!

Oh, how does she get out? Front door, and sometimes I drive her to the train station. She doesn't know I know -- she only knows I suspect. She's in blissful ignorance of the fact that I'm not in blissful ignorance.

And what can I do: hand-cuff her to the door, or bed etc? Beat her up? Hold her hostage? I'm normally peaceful and peaceable, but I've had my fill of the shouting and arguing, even/especially in front of the kids. But what can I do to stop a grown woman, especially one who says "I'm doing nothing wrong, but if you don't like what I'm doing, divorce me, see who gets the kids!!"?

Your complacence reflects an utter lack of caring. I cannot imagine a husband sitting there like a lump if I was running off having an affair. Do you think sitting there doing absolutely nothing reflects a caring attitude?

I am seriously astonished at your lack of action.

Tell her today you know about her affair. DEMAND that she end her affair. Then expose the affair.