BR,

Did you see this? Just wanted to make sure.

Gotcha

And yes email addy was updated.

Great.

Any news from rs? Little worried.

WH should be aware that communication is to an IM/third party or else he will still be getting his 'fix' if under the impression you are reading his emails. Your requirements are outlined in the Plan B letter...he may be wayward but he can read. Take a deep breath rainy and give Plan B a chance.

Okay, everyone. Still alive and well:) I spent the entire day working on the PO (minus an hour spent in mandatory divorce ed class), talking to my lawyer, etc. For the first time in all of this WH stopped direct deposit of child support funds. Thankfully I was off work to deal with everything, and got it out of his bank (my name is on the account - I just leave it alone, also until now). Never thought he would pull that. That is the last thing, the one thing he has always done is at least provide for his children. Now he told me if I will not force them to go with him, he will no longer pay me. And "by the time the courts can make me, you'll lose your house." Sigh.

BR, thank you!!! I sent you an email.

So this is the plan: Take ANOTHER day off on Monday to try to get the PO. (I was able to get case #s and request copies of police reports from 2 incidents last year as well - attorney told me that should be enough to hopefully get the PO now). Once I have the PO, then I will do the Plan B letter. I think you are right, ML, that he will freak and try to get to me. I want the PO in place first.

I have also decided that enough is enough. I have left OW alone and let her destroy my family, and now she wants to take away my children's child support too. POSOW (sorry, don't usually talk that way - nothing bad enough to say tho) is going down. I plan to tell all her fb friends, if I can get a list of them. Have a friend working on it. (She blocked me). Plan exposure will commence as soon as PO is in place as well. Just gotta time it all right.

I will post most recent Plan B letter, but I haven't had time to go thru it - probably still needs revision.

And ML, he does not have a key to MY house, thankfully. Kids and I just moved here 4 months ago, after months in an apartment. House is only in my name. Broomstick in back sliding door, changed garage door code, have police officers driving by to check the house occasionally. He told me he camped out at my house, watching me and the kids, for 3 days before the "incident" the other night. Scary.

Good rs. You're doing the right thing.

You sound so much stronger. Good job, my friend.

I still have my big ol truck. Just want to make you laugh.

RS, you have come a long way in just a few short days. You sound so strong and convinced! Good luck to you and please be extra cautious during this Plan B process, your WH is making me nervous with his antics. That camping out outside your house is very scary stuff.

This is Plan B letter I am currently working on. I have different suggestions in there from some of you, and I'm trying to merge it all into one, so there is some repetition that won't be there - still work to do. Some of you gave me a total letter suggestion before, which you don't need to do again - too much work. But any general suggestions with the change in circumstances? Or don't let that affect what I'm doing?



My Dear Husband,

I love you, my sweet husband. You are the love of my youth, the father of my children, the man I shared my life with, my husband of 22 years.

I have so many memories - from our courtship, how much fun we had, how you were my best friend, how I could tell you anything, how much I loved you � up to just a few short months ago when we shared long talks, dinners, discussing our lives and our children, touching on the mistakes we had made, expressing love and caring for each other, and hope for our future. There are too many things in between to begin.

I would like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I neglected your needs and helped to create an environment that made it possible for this affair to develop.

I am willing to do whatever I can to put our marriage back together in a mutually satisfying way. I so want to put the past behind us and build a better and beautiful life for us and for our children.

Your affair has been the most painful event of my life. The past 4 months have been the worst. I have felt so much hurt and pain, disbelief, and despair. I never thought I could survive something like this. It is because of this that I must separate from you completely.

It is simply too difficult, too heart-wrenching, too anxiety-inducing, for me to see you or to be in contact with you. This is not in any way meant to punish you. I will not see you, talk to you, or communicate with you directly in any way. Please respect my need to do this under these circumstances. Any pertinent matters regarding the children or finances should be sent through IM. Legal matters should be communicated through our lawyers.

I ask that you do not contact me until you have ended all contact for life with OW and are committed to saving our marriage.

Your affair during our marriage has caused the most emotionally traumatic time of my life. You must know how painful this affair has been for me. The last 4 months have been the worst. I can no longer be in contact with you, while you continue to be in contact with her. I must protect myself from this pain.

In order for me to do this, I need to separate myself from you completely. It is simply too difficult, too heart-wrenching, too anxiety-inducing, for me to see you or be in contact with you.

I will not see you, talk to you, or communicate with you directly in any way. Please respect my need to do this under these circumstances. I have arranged for an impartial intermediary. If you absolutely have to contact me, please do it via through ( ).

I will only be ready to see you when you have made the commitment to separate entirely from this person. When you are ready to permanently end your affair, and commit to our family, only then can we begin to rebuild our marriage.

I want you to know that no matter how bad the past was, no matter how ugly and hurtful the things we have been through, we can get past it. With God�s help, our true healing can begin. Look inside yourself, and find the strength we need to do this. I know it�s there. I�ve seen it.

I have told you many times that I have been amazed at times at the depth of love I have felt for you, even in all of this, that I know God has blessed me to see you the way that He does, as a person of infinite worth. I am sorry for the times in our marriage, both in the past and recently, that I have done things to make you feel anything less than that.

I want to finish raising our children together, be grandparents together, grow old together. I want to love and support and care for each other through the rest of our lives. I love you with all of my heart.

I know that our marriage can be better than it�s ever been, not just something we can survive, but the marriage we both dreamed of the day we got married. I know we can build the beautiful, loving, happy, supportive, passionate marriage that will make us both happy.

I have done everything that I can do. I am leaving you in God�s hands.

All my love,
Your wife

I have seen a couple of posts that Dr. Harley encourages BH to contact OM. I've had some people suggest I contact OW. I did send her a letter in January. Actually, a copy of a letter to my husband, a love letter about sweet things in all of this mess, with a note to her that I wasn't going away. It just ignited her "I will win at all costs" fuse. The thought of contact with her makes my skin crawl. I don't think she's worth giving the time of day to, let alone confronting.

What does Dr. H. say about BW and OW?

1 more thing. I'm not in Plan B yet. I have talked to Wh today, mostly trying to negotiate reasonable D, but gave up. (He called me first).

I said above he did not pay CS today - first time. I took it out of his bank (my name on account too). He's sending nasty texts about how I had no right to touch his bank acct, he does not have to pay if I won't force kids to go with him, blahblahblah.

Do I just ignore all these? Or reply kindly, or non-emotionally? ????

He says the same thing for BW.

Here it is
Dr. Harley encourages BH to confront OM

Except in your situation with going right into Plan B and since you've already confronted her.

Is your lawyer getting the CS locked down?

Reply nicely. Until you officially go into Plan B you're in Plan A. I wouldn't elaborate. I would just be civil.

Why so many problems with the PO?

I had no idea a PO was so hard to get. Yesterday, I got started, but only took half a day off work and had to get back. They told me it takes 4-6 hours, so come back tomorrow.

Today, I attended D ed class first, then went back. They told me the lawyer for victim's advocates was only willing to help me with the PO if I filed a police report on another incident I told them about from a month ago, when WH got violent with only me (not kids). But I had (stupidly, obviously) gone to his house. Police told me they would have to interview my 80+year old FIL who lives there too. He is not well, mentally or physically, and it would have traumatized him. They also told me the report would pretty much be meaningless since I was on his property, and he could just say he was trying to get me to leave, and therefore had the right to be verbally and physically abusive.

So I went to my police dept where report was filed 2 nights ago. They sent me to police dept. where WH lives, who gave me the same advice as before, but I did talk to a female officer this time who was more helpful. She told me to go get a copy of the actual police report from 2 nights ago. Also looked up and found records of 2 instances last year I had reported - I didn't know they were on file, since they had not talked to him. I had just reported him being psycho.

Went to get records. Was told i had to have birth certificates for my children if I wanted their names to be in the reports, which was advisable if I wanted them listed on the PO. Went to get those, came back, paid for reports, was told they would be ready in a few DAYS, but they did give me case #s and advise me to go to a closer court (this is back and forth across the valley all day, lines everywhere, talk to this person, then fill this out and wait for that person . . . ) Waited at closer court, who told me since I had started at farther away court, I had to go back there. Called them. It was 4:45pm and they had closed for the day.

So, if you ever have to do a PO - get all that stuff BEFORE you go, take 2 days off work, and don't expect any one person anywhere to give you a nice easy list of "stuff to bring with you." Seems a little crazy that it's so complicated.

They also told me I will have to appear in court to get a permanent PO, and face WH there - not fun for me. I don't want to do it, but decided I will, so he knows I will stand up for myself and my kids. I am done being controlled by him, and being his scapegoat for hating himself and OW. I also will protect my kids from him. He cannot behave this way. So ridiculous. Let him take his rage out on OW.

Dang what a pain, but I'm so glad you're doing it.

You sound so much stronger.

So with all your proof there's no way a PO wouldn't be granted, correct?

My lawyer said the same thing WH's lawyer did - he can wreak havoc in the time it takes to force him to pay. Technically, he is required to pay it all on the first since nothing else is specified, but he has always had bi-weekly direct deposits go in from his paychecks, which makes life so much easier. And he has to be 2 months delinquent before we can go after him. And in the meantime, I can't pay the bills and buy groceries. Dumb, dumb jerk. My kids had to leave their house because of him. I finally got them into another one - much smaller, no yard, but nice and OUR house. Now he's gonna make them leave this one? The man is destroyed. I just want to move far, far away from him.

They won't guarantee me anything on the PO, BH, but they said I could PROBABLY get it. Depends on the judge. And it's temporary. Then we have to go to court in 2-3 weeks, and he can tell them all what a psycho I am and that he should see his kids, and I know it will be ugly and he will forever try not to pay me now. But he's doing that anyway, so what do I have to lose? Might as well protect my kids and myself, and take OW down, right?

Yes. He's going to see that you're a mama bear. You are not letting anything threaten your babies.

Glad I sound stronger. I am terrified, honestly. But in some ways there is some relief and strength, because he has nothing left to threaten or manipulate me with. As long as he was paying me and mostly leaving the kids alone, which all made their lives better, I had something to lose. And reason to not want to rock the boat. And I wanted to be a good and loving person.

But OW is going to talk him out of CS? Seriously? She hasn't done enough damage? She is addicted to causing destruction and pain to me and my kids as much as he is addicted to her. I have absolutely no reason at all now to not try to just wipe out this affair, or at least cause as much damage as possible. At least if I could end it, maybe he would eventually be himself again. Maybe not, but he couldn't get much worse.

Yes, karma rose. If he's going to take away the only thing he still did to make his children's lives at all good, then he is going to see the b*tch he keeps accusing me of being. SOOOO done! And OW - man, did she mess with the wrong woman! She just signed up for hell.

I didn't want to stoop to their level, let them turn me into some angry vindictive person. But war is war, and when someone starts attacking my kids for no reason, just to prove they can? Yeah, I'm over it. I'm mad enough to fight back.