Check your email rainy

Also, in light of the meltdown the other day...I personally would lighten up on the "sweet husband" sort of talk especially since you are seeking a PO. To me, it would look odd to describe him as such. You can still communicate to him in a loving manner but I'd watch out how this may make you look should you need to hash it out in court.

I'd also stay away from this phrase that you used..."I want you to know that no matter how bad the past was, no matter how ugly and hurtful the things we have been through, we can get past it." Given his level of instability and ugliness and you saying you will protect the children from this, it makes me wonder WTH? Think of how his attorney can use such words against you.

KWIM?

Back later

Okay, good advice BR. I didn't even think about that - how much I should probably alter the letter.

Another good idea, ML. I will work on it tonight and post it here first.

I want to expose while there is a PO. Do you all think that is unwise for going to court to get a permanent one? A judge really can't blame me for doing that, right? Or would that be used against me and make me look bad?

Would you suggest waiting until I have a permanent one in place? (Which is an uncertainty. Temporary easier to get than permanent. They told me that would cover 2-3 weeks, and then we would go to court for permanent one).

Would it be better to send Plan B letter after permanent PO as well? Thoughts, anyone? I did not really consider this. I was just thinking hurry and do it all now, so it's done, and while there is a temporary PO in place, so he has time to cool off if permanent one is not granted. (Don't have temporary one yet either, but assuming I will on Monday).

Rainy, I would not put exposure off any longer. Once you get the temp RO, just go nuclear. When was the last time you spoke to the OW's husband? Is he aware the affair is going strong?

I haven't spoken to him in months - couldn't take anymore. I'm sure he is aware. She takes off on vacation with my WH every other week for 3-4 days at a time. He's taking care of the kids and funding her privileged life. He is opposed to telling the kids (no idea how they could not have figured it out by now - maybe they have) and anyone who is not a close friend/family member of theirs. I'm sure people know, but I want the rug ripped out from underneath her. Last time I talked to BH, he told me she was still putting up an amazing front in their church/community of being an upstanding Christian wife/mother. Which he was slightly horrified by, but also helping to maintain for the "benefit of the kids."

My WH tells me constantly that if I had just been as amazing as OW and lied to my kids about all of this, kept them in the dark, they wouldn't have all these issues and would all be just fine. Her untarnished image - if it does still remain anywhere - is going down.

But how do people respond to this? Does the exposing BS just look like a spurned spouse, like the one who's emotionally unstable? Or does it do the damage it's intended to do?

Does anyone know if I can legally post pics of her?

OW BH has also told me she is blatant about the affair in front of him, tries to get him to leave, but he will not for the benefit of the kids. Maybe this will put pressure on him to throw her out and fight for custody. That would shake things up, if she had a dent put in her cushy life.

If he's like most betrayed husbands who loves his children, he's simply putting off the time when he has to lose at least 50% of his time with his children. He also may recognize your WH's violent tendencies and want to put off WH having 50% time access to BH's children.

PO against your husband actually helps him with winning more than 50% custody or at least allows him to put a PO in place to protect his kids which also will put a damper on affair as OW losing in this regard will cause more lovebusting in "paradise). You need to talk with OWH, but I'd work closely with your attorney on how that happens to avoid weakening your own case.

I am horrified that you have known this so long and have not used this ammunition against her. This affair could have been killed a long time ago if you had exposed her. Please don't wait any longer. Do this next week and do it in a HUGE WAY. Do you have a copy of all of her facebook contacts?


You will get support and you will get criticisms. IHow you look to some is not your problem. The truth is that you are not unstable or "spurned" and that is what matters. You are not doing this to get the approval of others, but to stop this affair. If someone disapproves of you, that is not your issue. They are crapwits and you don't need the approval of crapwits.

He sounds like a coward who cares very little for his wife. This is why you need to take matters into your own hands. What does your exposure list look like? And do you know the name of her church? I would send her church pastor a letter too. Ask him to intervene.

My church leader contacted hers in the very beginning of this. There has been ongoing contact between them. I could find out who he is and send a letter, though.

Yes, I should have done this in the very beginning, when my WH was still home and it could have been killed easily. I regret it.

And I don't care how I look to others, just how this looks. I just want to kill the affair (or at least mortally wound it, not add to their army who has me as the "common enemy" and feed the affair instead). True about the PO and her custody issues. Good point.

I'm working on getting a list of her fb friends. Do not currently have it. I blocked her long ago, and she blocked me in "retaliation."

Will fb close my account after this? I don't really care. I only stay on to monitor teenagers. Just wondered.

Actually, he worships his wife. No idea why. Sad. He is very afraid of losing his children, and of having them exposed to this influence with him gone. He also thinks they benefit if they have the illusion of a good mother, and if he can keep the family "together." Although I hear as much about his horribleness as I do about mine, and he told me himself, "She not only no longer treats me as her husband. She does not even treat me with the dignity of a human being."

So when narcissistic man-eater and abusive psycho reveal who they really are, that'll be fun:)

The way to expose on facebook is to get a list of her contacts and send them all PMs with your full name and email address and phone #. If she has you blocked all you have to do is make up a fake FB account and get a copy of her contacts. Copy her contact list into a word doc for safekeeping. When you expose, send the PMs out 60 seconds apart so they don't shut you down for flooding.

I would get that list of her contacts ASAP before it is removed entirely.

I am going by his actions versus what he says. True caring is demonstrated by actions, not by empty words. His actions reflect a man who does not care. He cares more about avoiding conflict than helping his wife and saving his marriage. A person who does nothing does not really care. It is like uncaring family members who ignore destructive behavior of their grown children by saying "I just want him to be happy." What they want is to avoid conflict; they don't really care at all.

He doesn't GET that the reason is because he doesn't ACT like a husband. What kind of a spouse just sits on the sidelines while his spouse self destructs and takes down her marriage? A spouse who doesn't care, that's who.

Okay, well I'm about to do something. I guess maybe that's true. I thought trying to love him and draw him back in from higher ground made more sense first. It almost worked, but didn't. I probably should have just caused nuclear fallout from the day I found out and put an end to it all. Too late now. Have to work with what I can.

*But going along with court and getting a PO, would you just put in the fb message that I love him? Or would you say something about filing for divorce, or that this has caused the complete destruction of our family? That he's not the same person anymore? I don't want the argument in court of, "Which is it? He's crazy and you're afraid of him, or he's your sweet husband and you want your family back together?" It's both, really. My H versus WH addicted alien. 2 different people. Love one, hate the other.

Funny, that's the line my in-laws keep giving me (or did; now I'm mostly cut off). "I just want him to be happy." And I can't figure out why they don't see that he needs help, even if they don't care about my kids and want to believe the monstrification of me.

And, this is my soapbox, but how is it okay for a middle-aged man to find "happiness" in the destruction of his own family? His children?

Okay, I read a link about exposing on fb, and got the 60 seconds thing. But how many messages can you send at once? Can you send to more than 1 person at a time? Or 1 at a time with 60 secs in between? She has like 400 people on her list, last time I checked. When is the best time to expose? Night? Or are there actually more people on then who might flag it and get me shut down? I'm sure some of her sick friends support her and will try to stop me when messages start coming in, but I don't know who's who, so I'll just be sending it out to everyone.

Would you close your own fb account after you send out all the messages with your email? I don't want people getting to my kids.

I would have a second FB account that doesn't have my own list of friends.
In the exposure message, do say the classic MB message.

MY H is having an affair with OW. I love him, our children love him and want to recover from this mess but can not as long as the affair continues. Thank you for any support you can give us. Sincerely, betrayed spouse

Then, whether you hear any responses.....positive or negaitive....it is out there in the universe to be known.

I would not mention the divorce or anything else.

Simple.

Basic fact.

Respectful to all parties (whether seen that way or not)

Thanks.

Oh no! Leave it open but make your friends list private. Change your fb picture to one of you, your husband and your children. People can't get to your kids.

You leave the page open so you get replies and reply to them.

Here is a message to send -change to fit your situation:

Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that OW is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with OW to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BW