Welcome to the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum
This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
You will BE the mama bear. Repeat that to yourself whenever you have any doubts about doing what you are doing. No one is messing with your babies!
If he thinks he can get by without paying CS...ha ha, don't make me laugh.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
She has been attacking my kids all along. But I could buffer them to some extent, keep them away from WH if they didn't want to see him, and at least I could provide for them. This is unbelievable, though. Why does the karma semi truck not run over her? Sheesh!
Maybe it's about to. With me driving:)
Married: 22 years Me: BW 41 Him: WH 43 Sons: 19, 17, 12 Daughter: 16 DD 8/09 EA started 8/08 PA started 7/09 Brief recovery of a few months in there. Separated 10/10 Legal Separation 8/11 Plan B 5/17/12 Plan D 5/31/12
You're right. I can be a mama bear if I have to be. And if he's not paying me anyway, I certainly have no reason not to inform his employer of how he spends his time and company resources.
Married: 22 years Me: BW 41 Him: WH 43 Sons: 19, 17, 12 Daughter: 16 DD 8/09 EA started 8/08 PA started 7/09 Brief recovery of a few months in there. Separated 10/10 Legal Separation 8/11 Plan B 5/17/12 Plan D 5/31/12
Your kids must think of you as a hero right now. They can't help but see you--levelheaded, calm--and going to war for them. Not making them talk to their demon of a father...etc.
Be Sun Tzu.
That reminds me, if anyone has the link to the "art of war" MB post...RS could use it.
Do you have all the documents you need?
Last edited by karmasrose; 05/12/1212:38 AM.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
Your kids must think of you as a hero right now. They can't help but see you--levelheaded, calm--and going to war for them. Not making them talk to their demon of a father...etc.
Be Sun Tzu.
That reminds me, if anyone has the link to the "art of war" MB post...RS could use it.
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
What is Sun Tzu? I have read bits and pieces of the Art of War.
Married: 22 years Me: BW 41 Him: WH 43 Sons: 19, 17, 12 Daughter: 16 DD 8/09 EA started 8/08 PA started 7/09 Brief recovery of a few months in there. Separated 10/10 Legal Separation 8/11 Plan B 5/17/12 Plan D 5/31/12
I think I have all docs now, except the actual police reports that can take a few days. But they told me they can move forward with just case #s and reports ordered, so hopefully.
Pray for me!
Married: 22 years Me: BW 41 Him: WH 43 Sons: 19, 17, 12 Daughter: 16 DD 8/09 EA started 8/08 PA started 7/09 Brief recovery of a few months in there. Separated 10/10 Legal Separation 8/11 Plan B 5/17/12 Plan D 5/31/12
Married: 22 years Me: BW 41 Him: WH 43 Sons: 19, 17, 12 Daughter: 16 DD 8/09 EA started 8/08 PA started 7/09 Brief recovery of a few months in there. Separated 10/10 Legal Separation 8/11 Plan B 5/17/12 Plan D 5/31/12
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
Not a vet but I'm wondering, if you still have access to that bank account, should you take half of those funds and put them in a new account? You are still married so I would think half of the funds are legally yours, and the $ would help you through until CS is ordered. Vets??
I only took exactly what he is supposed to pay me. There was like $500 more than that in there, and I did go back to get it when he was threatening that he wouldn't pay me again, but he had already withdrawn it.
Married: 22 years Me: BW 41 Him: WH 43 Sons: 19, 17, 12 Daughter: 16 DD 8/09 EA started 8/08 PA started 7/09 Brief recovery of a few months in there. Separated 10/10 Legal Separation 8/11 Plan B 5/17/12 Plan D 5/31/12
Married: 22 years Me: BW 41 Him: WH 43 Sons: 19, 17, 12 Daughter: 16 DD 8/09 EA started 8/08 PA started 7/09 Brief recovery of a few months in there. Separated 10/10 Legal Separation 8/11 Plan B 5/17/12 Plan D 5/31/12
Married: 22 years Me: BW 41 Him: WH 43 Sons: 19, 17, 12 Daughter: 16 DD 8/09 EA started 8/08 PA started 7/09 Brief recovery of a few months in there. Separated 10/10 Legal Separation 8/11 Plan B 5/17/12 Plan D 5/31/12
I miss who he was. I just want the psychopath he is now out of my life. Unbelievable what this has done to him, and to our lives.
Married: 22 years Me: BW 41 Him: WH 43 Sons: 19, 17, 12 Daughter: 16 DD 8/09 EA started 8/08 PA started 7/09 Brief recovery of a few months in there. Separated 10/10 Legal Separation 8/11 Plan B 5/17/12 Plan D 5/31/12
Rainy - when you didn't post for a day this last week I was worried that this was your situation (it was the morning after your WH was chasing your 16 yr old daughter, so you'll understand why I thought this might be you) Domestic Violence plus hostage situation
I think you need to talk with a police officer and get a referral to "Women and Children In Crisis" and talk with a counselor there - show them the reports, and everything you are filing to get a protective order.
Here are some other resources you should get acquainted with before you go to Plan B:
Save the texts and the emails threatening to financially starve you out of house and home. Take them to the shelter with you. These counselors can help you work with the system to expedite support.
With Josh Powell and other controlling, abusive men in the news in Utah lately, your WH would do well to keep his nose clean. WVC police dept doesn't need anymore bad press on slow investigations. Other PDs in Utah are on notice as a result of the scrutiny WVC is going through that they don't want to be the next ones to have neglected a DV case to the detriment of the lives of the families reporting the abuse.
And believe me - what he is doing is DV!!
I have contacts with the local media if your attorney and the shelter counselors feel that using your case in an anonymous way to leverage financial support faster with the wheels of justice here in Utah, let me know through Justuss.
PS - Plan B in your situation would be much more successful with the Women and Children in Crisis resources. Tap into these for extra protection until he gets through an anger management recovery program AND gets rid of OW.
Thank you. I will look at these. Sorry for scaring anyone - I was trying to deal with this all day yesterday, and was never near a computer to post until late.
Married: 22 years Me: BW 41 Him: WH 43 Sons: 19, 17, 12 Daughter: 16 DD 8/09 EA started 8/08 PA started 7/09 Brief recovery of a few months in there. Separated 10/10 Legal Separation 8/11 Plan B 5/17/12 Plan D 5/31/12
This is Plan B letter I am currently working on. I have different suggestions in there from some of you, and I'm trying to merge it all into one, so there is some repetition that won't be there - still work to do. Some of you gave me a total letter suggestion before, which you don't need to do again - too much work. But any general suggestions with the change in circumstances? Or don't let that affect what I'm doing?
My Dear Husband,
I love you, my sweet husband. You are the love of my youth, the father of my children, the man I shared my life with, my husband of 22 years.
I have so many memories - from our courtship, how much fun we had, how you were my best friend, how I could tell you anything, how much I loved you � up to just a few short months ago when we shared long talks, dinners, discussing our lives and our children, touching on the mistakes we had made, expressing love and caring for each other, and hope for our future. There are too many things in between to begin.
I would like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I neglected your needs and helped to create an environment that made it possible for this affair to develop.
I am willing to do whatever I can to put our marriage back together in a mutually satisfying way. I so want to put the past behind us and build a better and beautiful life for us and for our children.
Your affair has been the most painful event of my life. The past 4 months have been the worst. I have felt so much hurt and pain, disbelief, and despair. I never thought I could survive something like this. It is because of this that I must separate from you completely.
It is simply too difficult, too heart-wrenching, too anxiety-inducing, for me to see you or to be in contact with you. This is not in any way meant to punish you. I will not see you, talk to you, or communicate with you directly in any way. Please respect my need to do this under these circumstances. Any pertinent matters regarding the children or finances should be sent through IM. Legal matters should be communicated through our lawyers.
I ask that you do not contact me until you have ended all contact for life with OW and are committed to saving our marriage.
Your affair during our marriage has caused the most emotionally traumatic time of my life. You must know how painful this affair has been for me. The last 4 months have been the worst. I can no longer be in contact with you, while you continue to be in contact with her. I must protect myself from this pain.
In order for me to do this, I need to separate myself from you completely. It is simply too difficult, too heart-wrenching, too anxiety-inducing, for me to see you or be in contact with you.
I will not see you, talk to you, or communicate with you directly in any way. Please respect my need to do this under these circumstances. I have arranged for an impartial intermediary. If you absolutely have to contact me, please do it via through ( ).
I will only be ready to see you when you have made the commitment to separate entirely from this person. When you are ready to permanently end your affair, and commit to our family, only then can we begin to rebuild our marriage.
I want you to know that no matter how bad the past was, no matter how ugly and hurtful the things we have been through, we can get past it. With God�s help, our true healing can begin. Look inside yourself, and find the strength we need to do this. I know it�s there. I�ve seen it.
I have told you many times that I have been amazed at times at the depth of love I have felt for you, even in all of this, that I know God has blessed me to see you the way that He does, as a person of infinite worth. I am sorry for the times in our marriage, both in the past and recently, that I have done things to make you feel anything less than that.
I want to finish raising our children together, be grandparents together, grow old together. I want to love and support and care for each other through the rest of our lives. I love you with all of my heart.
I know that our marriage can be better than it�s ever been, not just something we can survive, but the marriage we both dreamed of the day we got married. I know we can build the beautiful, loving, happy, supportive, passionate marriage that will make us both happy.
I have done everything that I can do. I am leaving you in God�s hands.
All my love, Your wife
Cut that down to about 4 paragraphs, rainy. That is way, way too long. You need to keep it short, sweet, and to the point. It takes 2 sentences to express your love for him, that's all. The more you say, the less he is going to hear. He is fogged out so it needs to be very clear and concise.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
EXPOSURE LETTER: I've read the samples, so do I just keep it short and simple? Do I need to explain (simply) why I've waited so long to expose? That she is to trying to talk him into withholding child support? Or just the basics?
Married: 22 years Me: BW 41 Him: WH 43 Sons: 19, 17, 12 Daughter: 16 DD 8/09 EA started 8/08 PA started 7/09 Brief recovery of a few months in there. Separated 10/10 Legal Separation 8/11 Plan B 5/17/12 Plan D 5/31/12
EXPOSURE LETTER: I've read the samples, so do I just keep it short and simple? Do I need to explain (simply) why I've waited so long to expose? That she is to trying to talk him into withholding child support? Or just the basics?
Short, sweet and do add that she is trying to persuade him to withhold CS. Be as factual as possible and ask them to use their influence to persuade her to leave your husband alone. You might want to post it here first so we can give you feedback.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
