Thank you.

RAiny, I mean it. Don't shut down your facebook and don't do it from a fake fb page. Otherwise people think you are a crank and you can be easily dismissed by that ho. People won't believe you if you hide. You are not the one who needs to hide.

They have to be able to ask you questions. And you will likely get messages from OTHER women saying she is having an affair with their husband too. That is valuable intel you can pass to your husband.

I'm so glad rs you're exposing because that's why I was wondering about the PO and it doesn't seem it will make any kind of impact on the PO, correct?

Plan B letter - revised again. ????



My Dearest Husband,

I loved you the day I married you, and I love you still today. You are the love of my youth, the father of my children, the man I shared my life with, my husband of 22 years.

I would like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I neglected your needs and helped to create an environment that made it possible for this affair to develop.

I am willing to do whatever I can to put our marriage back together in a mutually satisfying way. I so want to put the past behind us and build a better and beautiful life for us and for our children.

Your affair during our marriage has caused the most emotionally traumatic time of my life. At times it seems to have even changed who you are. You must know how painful this affair has been for me. The last 4 months have been the worst. I can no longer be in contact with you, while you continue to be in contact with her. I must protect myself from this pain.

I will not see you, talk to you, or communicate with you directly in any way. Please respect my need to do this under these circumstances. I have arranged for an impartial intermediary. If you absolutely must contact me, please do it through IM at ( ).

I ask that you do not contact me until you are either enrolled in anger management classes or back on your medication, and until you have ended all contact for life with OW and are willing to commit to our marriage and family. With God�s help, our true healing can then begin.
I want to finish raising our children together, be grandparents together, grow old together. I know that our marriage can be better than it�s ever been, not just something we can survive, but the marriage we both dreamed of the day we got married.

I have done everything that I can do. I am leaving you in God�s hands.

All my love,
Your wife

Good girl! That is perfect!

Love it!!

Okay, ML and BH. I will send from my regular fb page.

I don't know, BH, if it will impact PO or not. I will not do it until I (hopefully) get the PO on Monday. It takes them a couple of days to serve him with notice, so I will wait until that is done. Once served with the PO, he will be arrested if he comes near me or on my property, so I feel safe exposing. (Given his current emotional state, I am expecting him to pretty much lose it completely when I expose - the PO will make me feel much safer).

It will be a temporary PO. I will then have to face him in court 2-3 weeks later and request a permanent one. He can defend himself or have an attorney. The permanent PO is harder to get than a temporary one - I have to convince a judge that he's a long-term threat to me and that he should not be allowed to see his own children.

I wanted to expose during the temporary PO, partly just to get it done - let him freak over everything at once, a tsunami as they said, and then calm down, and partly so my kids and I would be safe, in case I can't get the permanent PO. That gives him time to calm down, when he can't come near me.

But I don't know if exposing will make me look like I was using the PO to be manipulative, that I'm a sham, that I got it on purpose so I could expose, and therefore work against me in getting the permanent PO. Make sense?

Then again, I can tell the judge that given his recent over the edge behavior, and OW trying to get him to take away CS besides, I've just had it and decided it's time to stand up for myself and fight back.

Agree with this reasoning. And I expect him to freak out over exposure during the temp PO and that will help you get a permanent one.

My thoughts exactly!!

I got it right?! Wahoo!

Thanks so much:) What a relief.

Okay, and thanks for the thoughts on exposure and PO as well.

So bizarre that I can actually feel some relief in things hitting rock bottom. Nice to finally not feel like I'm free-falling, I guess. Bruised and battered, still alive, and no more of that horrible gut-wrenching, terrifying, when-am-i-gonna-hit feeling.

I'm very grateful to everyone who has helped me with this.

I have noticed that you are becoming less emotional in your thinking and more STRATEGIC. Have you noticed that??

That is because you now have a PLAN and are taking back control of your life. See how good you feel already!!??

You are doing so GOOD!!!!

yes, I see

Yes much stronger!!! Atta girl!!

I would be very careful about what you put in writing if you're faced with this kind of legal action. If anything, make sure you put it ALL on the table everytime you write something. So in your plan B letter, you only talk about the affair, not his dangerous threatening behavior. If he brings it to the judge for your permanent injunction hearing, you will look very petty, like you were just doing this to get back at him for his affair. Same goes with the FB messages, they will get back to him, he can bring them in and show the judge and spin it.

So, what I would suggest, is that in your plan B letter you also discuss his behavior, and that you also mention it in the FB messages. Something like, "In addition to the affair, H has been acting erratically and dangerously in recent weeks/months, and we would have a lot of work to do to recover our marriage. However, for the sake of my children and our future happiness, I am willing to try and would like your help in ending the affair as there can be no improvement on other areas of our lives until that is over." And in the Plan B letter, something along the lines of how his dangerous behavior is something that would need to change prior to recovery.

I haven't had a chance to go back through your thread, but have you read what Dr. H says about uncontrolled anger/violence and how the person should live seperately and demonstrate a year of complete anger free life before reconciling? I think this is every bit the threat to your marriage and your children as the affair, and you seem to think so to, as you're taking good, protective action in seeking a PO. So don't downplay it in this communication with him and others...because even if the affair ended, you would have to address his violence and lack of control before you could move forward.

Hope that helps!

I've read something from Dr. Harley on anger issues, but not recently. I'll look for it.

Yes, it is a major issue. His medication makes a night and day difference, though. He told me flat out he is not taking it partly because he wants to completely feel the "highs" of the affair, and partly so he can "be in the emotional state he needs to be in in order to do this." Destroy me, he says, and quit caring about his children. This is the first time in at least 12 or 13 years that he has gone months, or even weeks, without taking his meds. I really wish OW had to deal with him ALL the time, and vice versa. It wouldn't be long before the anger was directed at her. Very convenient that he can tell me that's all my fault too - I make him crazy, he's not like this around anyone else. Well, if I'm not around to be the scapegoat, someone else will be sooner or later. Hopefully her.

I don't even know that therapy would do it - it's a chemical thing (not that he is not responsible for his behavior - he is). The affair has gotten to the out of control point, where his whole life is consumed and run by an addiction. The anger goes along with it. If the affair ended, I think he would be far more likely to get his head on straight and do something about the anger (and taking his meds) as well. He is a completely different person when he gets some space from her. This is the worst it's ever been. He cannot be a rational human being, and continue in the destructive behavior he engages in.

I see your point, but I still feel a little torn over it all. I've sent rotten messages to him lately too, honestly. This affair has changed all of us - our entire family. It destroys everyone. Dr. Harley even said that in SAA. I watch him hurt my kids, and I lose it at him. Or I get a message dictated by OW that is absolutely horrible and I let it get to me and send one back. Stupid of me. I did go for several months without a harsh word, just trying to love him. Did the same thing his last year at home. And he started to pull out both times, it made a difference. But then she sucked him back in. It gets worse any time he pulls out a little bit, and then dives back in. The last 4 months have been hell, and I have been reactive instead of proactive. Our entire family has just done a face plant. Even the kids are struggling more, not "getting used to it" like he thinks they will. He now has all that to use against me, unfortunately.

Part of my separating from him is to pull myself out of the craziness that I've allowed myself to get sucked into in all of this, to change my own behavior. My children and I all need to get away from him for as long as he is going to choose this path, in order to get ourselves into a more physically and emotionally healthy place. I don't want it to turn into a "he said/she said, he's crazy/she's crazy" battle. I am not physically threatening or violent to anyone, especially my children. Nor do I have the gift for manipulating things and appearing so "smooth" to others while being a raging psycho to my family. I do have police reports and the observations of others in those to back me up. But he can send out things I've said in emails and text messages to people on fb too. It isn't close to the same, but he is gifted at manipulation and dishonesty with this affair running his life.

I want the point to be trying to end the affair and restore my family to whatever point is possible, not mud-slinging, and people thinking we are just using this to get at each other. I wish I had maintained my sweet calmness, but I didn't. I am more calm again, but not sweet. I'm mad. WH and OW have finally ticked me off completely to the point where I just want to end this thing. Leaving it alone only allows it to spiral further and further downward, dragging me and my children with it. I don't care what it does to either of their lives anymore, as they seem to actually take pleasure in destroying not only my life, but even my children's lives. This is not the man I know, and the puppet on strings that she dances around has got to go. Watching while he does this to his own life, and everyone else's, is no form of love, as ML said above. If he was on drugs, I'd do everything I could to get him off of them, and to protect myself and my children from the horrible influence. No different. Worse, in fact, in my opinion.

Pay that gratitude forward to other BSs.

You should save a copy of this excellent metaphor and use it on BWs dragging out Plan A into Plan C.

I get tired of nagging gaslit, half-crazed BWs into Plan B and your post makes the point I so often try to make about when enough is enough so perfectly.



Have you been reading Art of War? Your understanding and grip of the situation is flawless.

Plan B will be a peaceful zen garden for you and hell for the affairees.

No, I need to read that. I will.

Thanks:)

Sorry for being one of those BW's you had to help drag into Plan B, but thanks!

Hahaha don't mention it! Its a pleasure to see you blossom.