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lfh, you have been a real trooper and I very much understand the nightmare you are living. And this may end up in divorce. I think you know that. But it may also go the other way. All you can do is keep your eye on the plan, keep your head down and do your best every day.
Some things you can do to alleviate the depression would be to take antidepressants and start exercising. Doing those things will make you feel much better.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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All you can do is keep your eye on the plan, keep your head down UP and do your best every day. Sorry ML .. had to fix that ... :P
Last edited by MrNiceGuy; 05/11/12 02:24 PM.
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All you can do is keep your eye on the plan, keep your head down UP and do your best every day. Sorry ML .. had to fix that ... :P  Great post, by the way!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Some things you can do to alleviate the depression would be to take antidepressants and start exercising. Doing those things will make you feel much better. I strongly recommend this also as well as Dr. Harley. You're doing well my friend. Since plan B (and plan A, for that matter), is extremely stressful for the betrayed spouse, I usually recommend that he or she ask a physician to prescribe anti-depressant medication to be taken throughout the crisis. This not only greatly reduces the suffering of the betrayed spouse, but it also helps keep a clear head at a time when patience and wise decisions are crucial. Anti-depressant medication does not numb the betrayed spouse to the crisis, it actually helps raise him or her above emotional reactions that would otherwise prevent clear-headed thinking. Why suffer and and make poor choices when anti-depressant medication can help ease your pain and improve your concentration in this time of unprecedented crisis?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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ALso .. with your postive attitude you want to cultivate .. use some cockyness ...
NOt sure what others think .. but I would say something like (if a moment arises where the moment feels like it needs some tension relief. .. "Well then hun .. if this doesnt work out between us, you will be missing out on all my awesome MUSCLES!" (as you flex your arm and kiss your own bicept showing off that you have been working out) and give her some bedroom eyes right after (dont hold the look too long) and then walk away without flinching going back to doing whatever it was you had planned for the day.
If I am being too positive for you .. I am sorry .. its friday and wanted to leave the forum for the weekend on a good note of POSITIVE VIBES!
KEEP YOUR CHIN UP! Its her loss if this doesnt work out how you want it.
MNG
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All you can do is keep your eye on the plan, keep your head down UP and do your best every day. Sorry ML .. had to fix that ... :P Great post, by the way! Great post?? which one?
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LFH ... put it this way. You have already lost your wife. Your letter outlines your boundires for her return if SHE wants to agree to them. If not .. thats HER loss because your a NEW man now and forever and you KNOW what went wrong and how to fix it now.
You need to show her that YOU are the great catch (like you did when you courted her before you married) .. YOU have the back bone .. and YOU have too much respect for your self to put up with her antics and games. Do not give her any of your energy when she comes down on you about the past negative things .. you just state "Yeah .. well .. I am not like that anymore".
Make it CLEAR that you realize what went wrong in your marriage own your part of its demise .. and how it happened and your own contribution and that you will NO LONGER be that guy anymore ... you are a NEW MAN .. you have NEW BOUNDRIES and NEW SELF RESPECT and your happiness does NOT depend on your wife being in your life.(women are meant to be a part of our lives and contribute to the amplification of happiness but not the end all be all of your happiness) If you place too much reliance of your happiness on your wife then she will not respect you and this will drive her away. LEAD BY EXAMPLE.
You dont have time to jump every time she asks you (be pleasant but firm in everything) .. nor do you have time to play her mind games. State your conditions (which you did in the letter) .. tell her you wish to spend the rest of your life with her and your kids as a family and grow together and recover your love you once had and make it even better now that you have a new understanding and some great tools (marriage builders) to make sure that your marriage is fulfilling in the future and that you will be sad that she chooses not to recover but you will get on with life if she chooses not to be a part of yours.
Kill your desperation ... if you project ANY of that at all .. you have to get rid of it. Its weakness and she will use it against you.
Do not let your wifes mood effect yours ... Moods are infectious so make your mood (a positive one) more powerful than hers. Example of infectious moods? Ever notice how when somebody says something, and everybody else laughs, even if you don't think its funny, you often laugh too? Happiness spreads. If you act like you are always having a good time, laughing at jokes, etc. it will instantly put all the people around you into a good mood.
Likewise, if you are always down and depressed (i know .. its hard sometimes to beat off the depression due to your situation), people will want to AVOID being around you (including your wife), because your mood drags theirs down too. This is why i suggested you do things for yourself to keep yourself more positive (working out .. doing things with your kids etc). your wife will sense this and possibly realize hat she is missing out on by not giving you another chance.
Something else you could do is find out what it is she likes about the POSOM and be better at doing those things than he is ...
Keep fighting the good fight! But do not drop your self respect to be a doormat.
MNG Dis one! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks! Much appreciated! I got plenty more where that came from. I have learned SO much on self respect and being the man my wife needs me to be instead of the emasculated version i used to be for most of my marriage. My wifes a TON happier now that I do not put up with her crap and allow her "down times" to drag me down too .. I keep my home in an upbeat mood now for the most part and make my mood the most powerful of all of us and it seems to be keeping everyone grounded and in a good mood too!
SO I am speaking from personal experience. I used to allow everyone elses mood to effect me...to determine how my day was going to be .. to determine my happiness ... NOT NO MORE! I control everyones mood now (for the most part haha).
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It's just that ANY thoughts that come along about my marriage actually ending in divorce hurl me into a place I don't want to go.
I have to remember that I didn't WANT to go where I'm at and that I can only do what I can control to NOT go where I don't want to go.
Does that make any sense whatsoever? It sounded much better when it was in my head. LFH, no one said that this was going to be easy, or a quick fix. The MB plans are your BEST chance. Use them. You are lucky to have found them, because people who haven`t found MB and try to recover have a much greater chance that they won`t recover. They limp along in a loveless marriage and are unhappy. So, when you think of the alternatives, MB is the best way to go. ML won`t steer you wrong. And MB is partly about you. It allows you to earn your way out, if it should come to that. You will KNOW that you have done EVERYTHING to save your marriage. But, you`re not there yet. So, you take the steps to get you into the best possible position.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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LFH ... put it this way. You have already lost your wife. Your letter outlines your boundires for her return if SHE wants to agree to them. If not .. thats HER loss because your a NEW man now and forever and you KNOW what went wrong and how to fix it now.
You need to show her that YOU are the great catch (like you did when you courted her before you married) .. YOU have the back bone .. and YOU have too much respect for your self to put up with her antics and games. Do not give her any of your energy when she comes down on you about the past negative things .. you just state "Yeah .. well .. I am not like that anymore".
Make it CLEAR that you realize what went wrong in your marriage own your part of its demise .. and how it happened and your own contribution and that you will NO LONGER be that guy anymore ... you are a NEW MAN .. you have NEW BOUNDRIES and NEW SELF RESPECT and your happiness does NOT depend on your wife being in your life.(women are meant to be a part of our lives and contribute to the amplification of happiness but not the end all be all of your happiness) If you place too much reliance of your happiness on your wife then she will not respect you and this will drive her away. LEAD BY EXAMPLE.
You dont have time to jump every time she asks you (be pleasant but firm in everything) .. nor do you have time to play her mind games. State your conditions (which you did in the letter) .. tell her you wish to spend the rest of your life with her and your kids as a family and grow together and recover your love you once had and make it even better now that you have a new understanding and some great tools (marriage builders) to make sure that your marriage is fulfilling in the future and that you will be sad that she chooses not to recover but you will get on with life if she chooses not to be a part of yours.
Kill your desperation ... if you project ANY of that at all .. you have to get rid of it. Its weakness and she will use it against you.
Do not let your wifes mood effect yours ... Moods are infectious so make your mood (a positive one) more powerful than hers. Example of infectious moods? Ever notice how when somebody says something, and everybody else laughs, even if you don't think its funny, you often laugh too? Happiness spreads. If you act like you are always having a good time, laughing at jokes, etc. it will instantly put all the people around you into a good mood.
Likewise, if you are always down and depressed (i know .. its hard sometimes to beat off the depression due to your situation), people will want to AVOID being around you (including your wife), because your mood drags theirs down too. This is why i suggested you do things for yourself to keep yourself more positive (working out .. doing things with your kids etc). your wife will sense this and possibly realize hat she is missing out on by not giving you another chance.
Something else you could do is find out what it is she likes about the POSOM and be better at doing those things than he is ...
Keep fighting the good fight! But do not drop your self respect to be a doormat.
MNG This is a great post. Listen, I understand your despair. I felt it as well at the same point you're in now. I look back now and am amazed at how much I castrated myself and permitted someone else walk all over me. Never again. The reality is that life goes on if you divorce. I'm not saying it is easy to recover. Far from it for a loss of that magnitude. But you do go on if you get the right help. I was crushed. I spent a week in a psych ward from being so overwhelmed by grief. It hurt for a good while and I later had to fight a grueling and brutal custody fight that literally damaged my heart. But things got much better after I got shared physical custody of the kids and the fighting settled down with the ex. Now? I'm happily remarried to a woman who is light years better for me than my WXW. I wouldn't switch back if my WXW was the last woman on earth. I look back now and am amazed that I could have actually been married to someone like my ex. What I have now is a marriage with a grown woman who is an equal in every single way. We do everything together. I'm no longer taking care of an overgrown child. I have a woman I literally thank God for every day. I say this to you because I want you to understand that it isn't the end of the world if you divorce. My WXW leaving me was the best thing she ever did for me. My kids now have a relationship with my family, I'm happily re-married, and I'm doing great in my professional life. I'm grateful I've been through what I've been through, even that bad parts. They've made me who I am today. So hold your head up. Take some pride in yourself and adopt that attitude that YOU deserve better. Get help if you need it. You can move ahead. Cry here when you need to. You'll always be welcomed with understanding. Just know that we won't tolerate seeing you do things which will damage your chances of either getting your WW back because you're following your own plan or you violate the plans you work so hard to implement. We'll try to knock you back on course when you stray. Just expect a 2x4 now and then.
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She came over to get the kids this morning and it was a very pleasant experience. We talked and actually laughed about some things. She stayed over an hour which is unusual. She usually stays only long enough to get the kids and their stuff.
I made a point to be smiley, upbeat and positive. I even made a comment about how pretty she looked today and I threw her a little curve before she left....I reached out and gave her a hug. This is much more important than it sounds because we havent shared a hug in about 2 months or so.
I left things at that. We told each other goodbye and parted ways. I felt like she wanted to say something the whole time she was here but I didnt even go there.
I am sending the letter today. I dont know what effect, if any, the hug might have in the grand scheme of things but I felt like I wanted to do it.
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I didn't think about tomorrow being Mother's Day when I decided to send my letter to her tonight. Will that be mean/cruel for her to read it on Mother's Day?
Remember that she told me she filed for divorce on our Anniversary and I don't want to be like that.
Let me know what y'all think if anyone is on today.
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lfh, the letter is a positive thing for your marriage and can't be compared to filing for divorce. This is really not a big deal. There is nothing mean about it. It is a very loving letter.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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This is a very routine thing that BH's tell their wives every day. The only reason I thought it would be good to send an email instead of saying it to her was because she is so argumentative.
I think you are making this into a much bigger deal than it really is.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ok. I understand. I just didn't want it to appear to her as though it was rebuttal for her telling me she filed on our anniversary.
I'm sending the letter today. I'm not gonna let myself talk myself out of it.
Insanity is defined as continuing to do the same thing and receiving the same results. I have to get away from my own insanity.
I miss my family so much.
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I probably am. I'm sorry.
Again, I'm having a very hard time with this whole situation. I know you know that and I know you and all others have been through the same pain. I just don't seem to be handling it as well as most others.
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I can tell you one thing....it's a good thing I'm not a drinker!
Last edited by looking_for_help; 05/12/12 02:40 PM.
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I'm sitting here thinking about how powerful the WW fog must be.
Her family gets together for just about every holiday, birthday and any other opportunity they can (which is great) to have a pot-luck style meal. Well they're having one tonight for Mother's Day.
I can't help but wonder if she's thinking or has thought about the fact that if she ends up leaving me for the POSOM, she will NEVER be able to bring him to ANY of those gatherings. Her family all hate him and have already told her that he would NEVER be allowed around them.
Maybe...just maybe...seeing how things are going to one of those gatherings without her husband there might trigger some kind of memory that will make her think about that.
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You are very lucky that your in-laws will not accept or support her in this. Maybe that will help to break the fog, like you say. I hope so.
Married: 22 years Me: BW 41 Him: WH 43 Sons: 19, 17, 12 Daughter: 16 DD 8/09 EA started 8/08 PA started 7/09 Brief recovery of a few months in there. Separated 10/10 Legal Separation 8/11 Plan B 5/17/12 Plan D 5/31/12 My Story
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I know it's Saturday night and everyone is probably out but I had to share some info that I just found out that threw me for a loop.
I found out why my WW divorced this scumbag POSOM that she cheated on me with.
HE CHEATED ON HER A MONTH AFTER THEY WERE MARRIED!!!!
Now I understand her even less than I did!
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