Yes your correct they obviously don't want the conflict. I did feel betrayed by inlaws having POSOW staying in their home and tolerating her.

I have always had a good relaltionship with my inlaws and I am trying to keep an open mind about their conflict avoidance. I did believe they would actively support our family and marriage. I guess I am trying to not judge their actions, give them the benefit of doubt and protect my feelings, should our marriage recover in the future.

But anyone who supported the A has to go in recovery, so you wouldn't have a relationship with them anyway.

You would never feel safe in recovery, knowing WH has the option to go back to OW with their full blessing of enablers at any time.

Plus their enablement is hurting your Plan B. You are not getting any benefit from them, they are actively hurting you, so why appease them in the same way they appease their son?

Perhaps they don't understand. But its time they did.

Give them full warning of how THEY are damaging your future relationship. Them - not you.

Right now they are hedging their bets and think they will come up smelling of roses no matter who he chooses - with your blessing.

Remove yourself from the drama and don't have contact with them until they are supportive. They need to see consequences or they'll think its no big deal.

And playing nice with the inlaws won't impress anyone or bring him back. Being firm with them won't push him away. The end of the affair is dependent on him and him alone.

I didn't consider this point of view. Yes they have effected my Plan B. I was worried they would believe the wayward babble & OW lies.

You are right and at times I have thought ... they need to be made aware of his wayward behaviour, I've had to accept, it's time they faced reality and accepted. They need to understand the damage to our family and support their grandchildren.

I suppose they are in a fog themselves and if they continue to avoid conflict and be enablers, the only way forward is for them to be faced with consequences.

I would Plan B the inlaws also.

Wayturds suck when they are thinking from their bungholes!! Which is where they always are in waywardville!!!

Sadly I've come to the realisation this may well be the way to go.

If only waywards could see how may lives are effected by their actions.

Bahahahahaha!!! You are absolutely correct!

Its posts like these help keep us sane, BH & Pep have many a post that brings a smile or a good laugh.... just what we all need.

A teacher used to always tell me "If 'ifs' and 'buts' were candy and nuts we'd all have a Merry Christmas!" I'm pretty sure betrayed spouses would have the Merriest Christmases of all if that were true!

You're so strong HF66. I'm getting up to speed on your thread and - Wow! Stick with this, keep growing and you'll be one of the legends here on MB.

I can understand feeling betrayed by the ILs. I thought mine, too, would do everything they could to stand in support for my marriage but they've taken the cowardly "we don't want to get in the middle of this" aproach. Funny, they loved being front & center and in the middle of it all when they witnessed us taking our vows. Hmph.

Plan B them.

Pep is the Queen!

Here's a good one of Queen Pep that might give you a laugh.

We need to help Pep with that "mustache".
Pep is being used!

Its amazing what us BWs can do. Its been pouring here. Leak in living room had to climb onto roof to unblock drains, all the while hobbling and keeping surgery site dry. I must have looked a sight .... lucky every sane person is indoors and its dark out.

You go girl!!

Whisapastor, I like the candy and nuts comparison. The 3 hardest things for me to come to terms with: the appalling wayward behaviour; the damage to our children and the enabling conflict avoidance of family and friends. Sadly this seems more painful than the A itself, if that makes sense.

Its amazing the inner strength we all have, many posters on MB have shown this during their traumatic experiences. I feel we are blessed to have so many caring posters who offer advice, encouragement and support. I know it has helped me, just expressing thoughts and knowing people can relate to how we are feeling or posting comments that help clarify or provide another viewpoint help us on our journey towards recovery.

BH I did see this thread ... isn't it amazing after all these years they've used it. We have a star in MB Land, "Pep is world famous in MB land (NZ has a saying **** world famous in NZ,thought this was a good substitute)

After reading WHisapastor's thread I thought giving wayward a name was a good idea ... disassociating the man you love and know from the alien they have become.

I have decided to call my WH "Isildur" from Lord of the Rings. I thought this an appropriate comparison. Isildur's refusal to end the A destroy the Ring allowed OW's Sauron's spirit to endure and insured the A would remain a threat to their Marriage and Family's happiness that he would remain a threat to Middle-earth for years to come, but his bloodline survived and his faithfull wife called upon all her strength and defeated the evil power of OW and slay the Dragon of Infidelity ending the War of Adultery. in the D�nedain of the North and his heirs would help end Sauron's power in the War of the Ring.

Iam putting this out there for comments. I don't think its a healthy message for our children even for the 16 & 18yr olds It places the eldest children in an awkward position.

Isildur seems to be still living a "secret life" no explanation for wanting to increase our mortgage, no contact address for where he is living even though children visit. Everything seems to be a secret. Even when he asked for his passport (he'd left it at home), I commented on his intention to go overseas, he replied no, he was renewing it.

I requested a contact address prior to going into Plan B, I still haven't received one. I have tried again today through IM, if unsuccessful I will go via lawyer. I believe I have a right and it is not unreasonable to know where my children particularly DS6 are staying. I want contact details (address and number) in case of an emergency. I have no desire to visit or anything else.

Isildur & OW delayed their return from Oz visit. My DS18 was house sitting and rang last night asking if I could pick him up. I don't think he wanted to be there when they returned. He stated that dad didn't want him to give me the address. I said to DS18 I was sorry he was placed in this position it was not fair or acceptable.

Is this normal wayward behaviour? Why if they are living with OW do they need to be so secretive?

Isildur is perfect.

And they need to be secretive because "they just wouldn't understand!" "We would be judged for our lurrrve!"

Since you're using a LOTR name for your WH, I'll make a few references to it, I hope you don't mind.

Gollum kept the ring secret. He went from a normal hobbit to a thin, starving, balding, grasping little creature. The secret consumed him and gave him a second personality (in the movies, if not in the books--I need to reread them).

The secret they think will save them, only destroys them.

Makes sense to me. I struggle with those same things and they, too, have sometimes been more painful to deal with than the A itself. I've been disgusted at how many people have sunk their heads in the sand about all this. Then again, if I hadn't found MB, I would probably be right there with them. It's easy for friends & family of WH & I ("career christians") to use God's grace & mercy as excuses to "forgive & forget" (AKA avoiding confrontation) insted of appropriately dealing with rebellious, unrepentant sin within it's members.
I love this! What a creative lady you are!

My DS is 5, so I can relate to having young children. Do you allow DS6 to go to friends houses without knowing where they live? IMHO, I'm not about to send my babies with anyone if I don't know where they will be and how I can get in touch with them if there is an emergency. No one is excluded from that.
No one.
That being said, WHEN you get Isildur's new address you will need to keep it for emergency purposes only and fight back any urges to just "drive by" the place. Keep to your Plan B.

Karma, I thought Gollum was an excellent name for a WH. I don't mind the reference. I think he is portrayed the same in the books, from memory. Alot of WS could identify with Golloum, they sacrifice their integrity and identity for the affair.

Giving waywards a name is an excellent idea, better to separate the alien from the man we knew and loved. Hopefully if reconciliation is on the cards it will be better to remember Isildur as a separate person.

I see your point about waywards and secrecy, its mind blowing their logic or lack of. Does he think he is protecting his fantasy if I don't where they live? I suppose I'm expecting a sign of rational thinking ... contact address in case of emergency; security/peace of mind knowing where your children are ... too much to expect from a foggy mind.

You're in Plan B, right? Did you have contact with him when he wanted his passport? Did I miss something?