The audacity is a complacent husband who doesn't say or do a damn thing while his wife shacks up with her OM. That is unbelievable. I honestly don't believe I seen a more uncaring and indifferent attitude in my 11 years on this forum. How do you explain your complacence?

I hope you're documenting everything and everytime she runs to shag her many OM.

I would also get a VAR to protect you from abuse allegations.
Document Document Document

I hear you loud and clear, MelodyLane.

Neither "sitting like a lump" nor "complacence" fits as a description from my perspective -- altho' I do welcome your external viewpoint. I have not been passive. We have had very many blazing rows over this. Before last week I couldn't lay an ultimatum as I had no evidence -- but now I have a) evidence and b) the benefit of some learning from MarriageBuilders. Nonetheless, this is very hard for me: I started out as a romantic idealist who would never contemplate divorce, ABSOLUTELY SURE of my wife's faith. Thanks again.

When will you be exposing?

A man who complacently sits by while his wife moves out to carry on an affair and can't even be bothered to confront her is worse than a lump. I am sure she sees that you are not very serious about your marriage and as such, treats you with the same level of seriousness. Saying you didn't know what she was doing makes it look even worse because it begs the question: WHY DIDN'T YOU KNOW? Your wife moves out and you don't know where or why? Are you serious? What spouse would ever tolerate that?

I would suggest that your perspective is lacking in objectivity and is shocking to the outside observer. I meant it when I said I don't believe I have seen a more complacent husband in my 11 years on this board.

CAn you be motivated to defend yourself and your children from your abusive wife?

The optimal time is to expose when you have solid evidence. You have the evidence. Why have you not exposed? You don't need to 'have an outburst'. You need to expose the affair and let the potential destruction take its course as you stand by, solid and calm. When your WW screams at you, remain calm. Let her know that you are doing whatever it takes to save your marriage.

Have you done nothing to save your marriage??

Uh, are you saying that you actually drive YOUR WIFE to the train station to meet with her lover?????

For God's sake tell me this was a typo or I'm reading it wrong.

"Doesn't say or do a damn thing": I repeat, I have said plenty, we have fought plenty, and many times in front of the 5/6/7yo girl and 11/12yo boy. I have done things too, but none that have worked, which is why I welcome MB. I am not complacent, uncaring or indifferent. I might be inexperienced, naive, incompetent even. But if you have learned anything from the decade-plus you have spent on these forums, surely you understand that these things take an emotional toll that can cloud judgement etc?

I disagree, sir. Blazing rows mean nothing. Do you want to waste valuable energy bitching your wife out while she continues to run with OM? You sound like a daddy who continues to pay his daughter's parking tickets while she keeps driving the car.

Man up.

You have not even confronted her or done anything to stop her from carrying on her affair. That is what I would call "not doing a damn thing." I take that back, you did do a damn thing: YOU DROVE HER TO THE TRAIN STATION SO SHE COULD GO SCREW HER BOYFRIEND.

Everyone who shows up here has clouded judgement but they are not complacent to this extreme. You were more than complacent, you actually enabled her affair by driving her to the train station.

I hope you understand that your complacence reflects an EXTREME lack of caring that is incomprehensible to me.

Are you prepared to take some action now? Someone who proposes action at - always a future time - is usually not serious.

I don't understand your reasons for putting off confronting your wife and exposing her affair. Taht sounds like more conflict avoidance to me.

Thanks all, again. Bearing in mind that I only acquired whatever evidence I have a week or so ago: in terms of actual, concrete action, what is the opposite of "complacent" (or "uncaring")?

Your wife stays out all night most nights. You had that evidence, right? When a spouse stays out all night most every night what action would a caring spouse take?

Were you aware she was not home?

This has been going on for 18 months and you have only JUST now bothered to find out what she is doing.

I'm pretty stunned by what I'm seeing here. Actually, I'm blown away..completely.

Partner, just what the hell do you think you are doing/thinking and how do you justify any of this in YOUR mind as a proper course of action?

Do you really believe this is the way MEN should think and act?

If so, no damned wonder your wife is seeking life elsewhere. Hell, I would if I were her!

Hasn't this been going on for quite a while? And you have solid evidence of the affair? The better question is: Why haven't you acted on this knowledge LONG AGO??

MelodyLane, I have stumbled upon MarriageBuilders as a resource, and am learning methods that seem to work. I'd SUSPECTED for 18 months, not KNOWN for 18 months. And in the 18 months I did do a number of things, INCLUDING: a) snooping on laptop & phone and confronting WS with inconclusive, impeachable evidence that did not win me the battle; b) stuff that got the police involved when things over-heated -- I ended up facing no charges, but still had to keep my head down as there is a racial/racist dimension; c) "exposing" WS to neighbours with whom WS had been friendly -- she has since broken up with them; d) spoken frequently and at length to old mutual friends who reassured me "she has a drink problem, not a [censored] problem"; etc. And there's more. But they didn't work.

Constructive criticism is very welcome, but I don't understand why you cannot see beyond your "complacence" argument. I understand that you only have the external camera's view, the dispassionate "what happened" view. But there can be any number of unseen reasons why certain seen things happen. Jumping to a conclusion is one thing; cleaving to it unyieldingly is another.

(In the middle of a fight about my accusations -- as they then were, without this new evidence -- WS would taunt: "I'm not doing anything or seeing anyone. Why are you so insecure? It's such a turn-off." So: one person's "insecure" is another's "complacent". But always my efforts are and have been genuine and to the best of my ability.)

In the same way that MB coaches that one stick with the facts -- eg when Documenting or Exposing -- and avoid argumentation and histrionics, the same could apply here.

maritalbliss - I found evidence about 10 days ago.

You're about ten days late in exposing. Why?