Don't do this. Don't give your wayward victimhood status. He's no victim, ma'm.

Will he take a polygraph?
Polygraph Testing

Apparently I left this thread up on the computer and WH read it. I'm not too concerned about that but he seemed upset that I went on here for support and felt everyone immediately attacked him without knowing the whole story.

Anyway after this we've had a rough weekend. He said he is willing to do whatever I want to make me feel safe but for some reason he always makes me feel bad about demanding things and then I just stuff my feelings again.

I don't know how I got so timid?

Anyway here is what I'm thinking about asking for for my EP's

-spyware on both phones
-All contacts on both phones must me mutually known and current friends. If not they must be deleted.
-GPS on both phones. (He already did this but just to keep it in place.)
-Passwords shared for all email accounts and no new ones created.
-Shared bank accounts and his account shut down (it is held in the town he was living in).
-Continue to keep the keylogger running with me as administrator on both computers.


What do you think. Anything you would add?

Not sure how I'm going to bring this to him but I don't think I can continue without these because I'm just waiting for the ground to fallout from under me again and that not healthy.

Also he said no polygraph because we can't afford it. I unfortunately have to agree because it would literally take food out of our kids mouths. He has already reduced work to make more time for UA so we are really having to struggle financially right now already.

UGH.......

feel like screaming today!! We read the first two chapters in SAA last night. This opened up some good dialog about his A's. Felt good going to bed last but decided maybe I needed to snoop just to be sure there isn't more going on and that he is trying his hardest to be honest with me.

Decided to go through his truck while he was sleeping. His truck has been a way to keep things from me. My vehicle is considered "ours" and his is considered his. This is because he smokes and I don't I guess but its stupid.

He quit smoking two weeks ago "to prove he keeps his promises". Well I thought he was doing good but did slip up day before yesterday while we were having a heated discussion. Well from going through his truck I found a can of chewing tobacco and the receipt for that purchase which was right when he quit.

I guess I could have found worse (ie. condom rappers, girls phone numbers, etc.) The point the just ticks me off is that he has said he is trying to be as honest, has nothing to hide. GRRRRR I even mentioned his lip looked swollen the other day.. Response, hmm maybe I cut it or something! WHAT THE CRAP!! Smoking or doing anything addictive was always an issue. He has felt the need to lie about these small issues and he assured me he was past this!


I also tried to install spyware on his phone last night but couldn't find any that worked with iphone ios 5.1. Was looking for a free trial until I can find money to pay for it under the radar. Frustrating!!



I feel like I'm back to the drawing board. Doesn't he understand how devastating a small lie is right now.....its annoying because what would have been the harm of telling me?!? NOTHING

Poly is out, I just don't know what else to do!!!!

Feel like all the progress we've had over the past few months is for nothing now, because he hasn't been RH!!!

HELP!!!

So what EP's is he going to put in place?

Lying about smoking. Do you "freak out" when he tells you something?

Do you have the book Lovebusters?

Until he comes clean about everything you're going to be living in this limbo.

Email the show.
Can you afford the coaching center?

You are going to need a poly somehow, whether he tosses some UA time to get OT $$ or borrow from family, because right now you're believing things that sound utterly ridiculous to others. You aren't getting the truth and you aren't going to move on until you do.

I'm not sure if you realize this, but you are still doing the same thing as you've always done- wanting to believe him. And that puts you right back at square 1.

I agree, I've been wracking my brain on how to make the poly happen but funds just aren't there, we have had severe financial issues since he lost his job in '10 which is what threw us both over the edge.

The reason for lying about smoking has been in the past because I did react and treat him harshly. I have completely eradicated this months ago so I just don't get it!!!

I feel like we're just going to slip back into the same crap and I refuse!! I would rather divorce. I do see him trying but then there is more lying, i'm just ready to give up and accept my fate.

As far as EP's we have very few in place. We are just starting to read saa. He read my other thread on here and that made him a little hesitant to follow the plan. If it comes from the book saa he will definitely go for it.

Like I said I tried to get spyware on his phone. I feel like I need to do further digging for my own piece of mind.

The problem with trickle truth is that you don't even know what EP's you need (there are always the same basics but some depend on the situation).

I missed it, did these OW husbands know? And I mean verified by you directly, not just what he said/she said.

Everything on this website follows Dr. Harley's concepts.

Did you try this?
Iphone help

No the first one I have tried to contact OW H but he isn't responding to any communication. The second one from the hotel was a one night stand deal and he doesn't know her name. I have investigated a far as I can there. The hotel cannot give me employee names but they go through housekeeping help very quickly. They were able to tell me that person in question had in fact moved in middle July last year but will not give me her personal info.

I would put all my efforts into getting a hold of OW1 BH. Can you drive over to where he lives?

Get spyware on that phone. Can you check online phone records?

Where I stand now (which may be naive) is that affairs are over. My fear is that things that have led to the affairs are still there meaning as soon as I am not as actively meeting his en another one will ensue. I am also concerned that my resentment will linger causing me to eventually not be so enthusiastically willing to meet his enjoy. Does that make sense? Am I even on the right track or is my thinking skewed?� I'm so confused as to how tio deal with this. I have tio get over my need tio be timid. I get that.



In regards to brain hurts: Spyware is my next priority. I have called him, send messages on fb and texted him. I am deathly afraid to go there for fear of seeing her. Like I said a month ago I sent her a nasty letter hoping it would make me feel better. It didn't. I'm sure she is not pleased about it and I just can't handle a confrontation with her.

I can't get phone records because he has prepaid, unless i'm missing something?!? His old phone records were how I busted him last time.

Read and listen to this about confronting the OM/OW.

I encourage BH to confront OM

You're feelings are normal when there hasn't been any repentance from a WS.

Have you read this? How Trust can be restored after an affair

Thanks for those links. You really know just where to send people!! Thanks so much for your help.

So when will you be going over to OW's BH's house and letting him know?

I'm not sure I can go there but I will keep trying to get in touch with him. I'm going to mail a letter today and continue to try to call the # I have for him.

I'm also going to purchase the spyware today because I feel like this will tell me how much he really has "changed."

He still hasn't confessed about the chewing tobacco, gave him plenty of opportunity so this is a growing annoyance!!

Home, you have the same wedding ann. as me!