The thing is, they pay you money on time every month and then they go after him to reimburse them, it's not between you and him, it's between them and him. And they don't care if it takes years, they will get it as soon as he does have something. In my state they'll take away his driver's license until he's current, they can even jail someone but that's seldom used because it drains the system.

Thanks to all of you for the legal & financial advice. My brain is about to explode. Ugh.

Still haven't contacted lawyer offices. And emergency family services probably wouldn't be the best route for me just yet. I'm taken care of since I'm living with my parents and Frollo & I's joint checking account has a large balance, allowing bills to continue to be paid. My concern was that he was receiving paychecks he was trying to hide from me.

I say "was" because I have found out today that he HAS received at least one paycheck and opened his own personal checking account. I found this out by accident when I called our auto insurance company to get new Proof of Insurance cards on my vehicle and ended up finding out the bill was being automatically paid out of a new account, and insurance information was being mailed to Frollo's parent's address. Sheesh! Needless to say our IM has been a busy lady today. (Thanks princessM).

I have found out (via IM) that he has his own checking account, and is leaving all that's in our current joint account for me & the children to use. He wants to continue paying our bills from his personal account (Health Ins., credit cards, kids' college funds, auto ins., cell phone, etc.) and is asking for consent to do this. (I have always handled paying our bills, in a timely manner might I add.)
Should I let him? I'm very confused as to what to do because I don't want this to fulfill an EN of his (or mine either I suppose), but then again I don't want to separate all the bills and look like I'm pursuing a divorce (because I am NOT). I am a SAHM and have been for 5+ years so I do not have any income. The money he is allowing me to use in our joint checking would cover bills for about 3-4 months if I were to split our joint bills (cell phone, health insurance, auto, etc) and only ask him to be responsible for the children's needs.

I can hardly do anything but pray today, and I've asked others to pray for me, as I want to make the wisest the decision and try not to let my emotions get the best of me. Very hard to do today. I've been so strong but that roller coaster is headed back down again!
Someone please be available to give me some insight here. Thanks!

Speaking as the only non-attorney in a huge, huge family of more attorneys than you can shake a stick at.

You really need to contact an attorney, and fast. This sounds like he is already acting on an attorney�s advice. He is setting things up to place himself in a better light if this does go to divorce/custody court. You need good legal advice to make sure you are not compromising your future position, regardless what he does or does not do or how this turns out.

Would it be unwise for me to ask him (via IM) if he is seeking a divorce?

My first thought in regard to him paying bills is to suggest that if he would like to continue paying our family's bills, he deposit his checks into our family account.
If he would rather have a personal account, he can pay his personal bills and his children's.
Thoughts?

And yes, Aphelion, I understand and agree. I have a list of lawyers in the area to contact. Being home with two little ones it's difficult finding time to contact lawyers with the questions I have and not get interrupted or side-tracked by "Mom. Mom. Mommy. Momma. MOM!!!" I had quite the time speaking with insurance agents & secretary's this morning.

Don't ask him (even via IM) if he is seeking D.

Even if he is.....guess what....that ought not to be a factor in your next steps.

You get your steps in line and follow them. Whatever comes from him, you still follow your steps.

left, right, left, right, left, right.

Bumping for Whip. She really needs our help!

I read your post about the changing of where your bills would be paid from, and I thought, "He should have to deposit X amount into the joint/family account, and WHiP will continue to pay the bills through there." Then, I saw your post where you wanted just that.

Also, I agree with Reading that you shouldn't ask your WH if he is seeking a D, but expect it, and plan for it. Do you know how much you are entitled to for SS, and CS? You can do some quick checks yourself, online. I did that while I was planning for Plan B.

Hope this helps.

We know that you don't want this angst and you don't want a divorce.

There is where, if you stay the course and on the higher level of transcending the angst with no extra communication to WH......God and the law will be on your side and you will, with legal help, be in the best position given the mess.

Do not engage in any extra communication other than with IM about $____funds needed for a certain thing and visitation times/places.

Lawyers handle the rest for you. They handle your assets being accounted for/disclosed and support for you and the kids.

Whether it's now, or a month or two in the future, at some point you need to pay the bills from your own account. It isn't remotely WH's business whether you spend $275 for groceries or $50 for offering, $7.95 for nice nail polish, or anything else.

Also, whether it galls you to take it or not, you are FULLY ENTITLED to his support on your own behalf. Take everything you're legally entitled to, every single penny, and don't back down.

See, right now he's trying to finance his second evil life. He is using family resources that rightfully belong both to you and the children to do this. Every penny you get from him is money that he can no longer spend for evil.

It's just one more way you can show your love for him.

Thanks, Whip. You are amazing! 3 whole weeks! I'm at 5 days:) Exposing tonight - did you expose yet? I couldn't find it on your thread. You inspire me! Keep up the great work!

Aaagh sorry WHip, my post is inside the quote box

My situation is by no means resolved, Whip, but I do have my own checking account - WH's name is not on it. I have been transferring money from our joint account into that account the day it gets there, and then paying bills and expenses from my account. Easier to keep track of, budget, and I know the money will be there once I've deposited it - he can't take it. It's been very good for my independence and self esteem. One less thing for him to hold over my head. He can't pick apart every dime I spend. If you can swing it, I strongly advise it. Don't even tell him. Just do it. Your life is not his business right now.

I have a joint account with my WH, and that's where he transfers the money he is supposed to give me. The only bills that come out of that account are the mortgage and house insurance, since those are in both of our names, so he is equally responsible. Every other bill, etc, comes out of my personal account.

Thanks so much for the bump PrincessMeggy. And thanks to those of who have offered advice. I have no idea what I'm doing in legal matters. I've never talked to a lawyer for any reason so this is a new road.

I hope to respond to some of your questions/advice/posts sometime next week. Everything's so heavy on me right now. Three weeks of absolutely no contact with WH whatsoever and I'm drained. I just want to see him, and hug him and talk to him. He was always so calming to talk with. With God's strength I won't, but it will take just that - God's strength.

My DS5 is so hurt. In just the last couple days he's started talking more about how sad he is that we had to leave our home and all the friends he misses. He misses our family pictures that were all over our home and his toys (most of which are packed in boxes until we find a more permanent home) and he said he really, really misses our supper table where he used to eat with me AND daddy together. I am heartbroken.

I know that Frollo's actions is what has my son in this place, but I also can't help wondering if I can do something about it. To stop his sadness. I mean, I'm in Plan B. Short of true reconciliation & recovery (which let's face it - probably ain't happenin') the next step is either Plan C or Plan D. I don't want either. I don't deserve either of those two, nor do my children. But which is the lesser of two evils? That's something I want to focus on and pray over. Maybe God really would rather me stay married to an unrepentant adulter than accept a divorce (if that is the route Frollo chooses).

This limbo is about to kill me. I'm strong for days and I can feel it! Then *WHAM*. I'm drug back down. Reminded of what used to be, where I am now, and what is likely to become of me. Put all that in the light of Scripture and I don't want to be guilty of doing anything selfishly. Perhaps I've been selfish? Expecting Frollo to actually "forsake all others". I mean, every husband is flawed, correct? Mine isn't hateful, he isn't physically abusive, he's an involved and loving father - INCREDIBLY involved and loving, he has always, always, always provided financially for our family and made (mostly) wise decisions with those finances. There's so much good in him!!! Perhaps I shouldn't think it, but I do. I snap the rubberband, and those thoughts are still there. I snap it again and more come.

This forum has been my lifeline during the most excruitiating, unexpected time of my life. But lately, coming here and reading all the stories and comments and articles has been very difficult for me to take. It's an everyday reminder of where I am and where my marriage is. I just need a break.

Going to focus on God & His Word, my beautiful babies, myself, and my nails.

I'll write next week y'all! And I'll include my MB friends in my everyday prayers.

WHip, you deserve a faithful husband. I know exactly how you feel, however. Which is why I struggled in this limbo for 3 1/2 years. I cannot believe what it has been dragged down to. I understand the moral/spiritual dilemma of divorce, your children, forgiveness, being Christian, etc. But I wish I had bucked up and stood my ground 2 years ago. I had a far better chance of saving my marriage and family then, before my children were dragged through the hell they've been through.

I will also say WH had an EA 10 years ago. I thought it would be so awful for my little tiny kids to lose their dad. Now I know it would have been a million times easier then than it is now, with teenagers. Hindsight is always 20/20, but I hope someone else can learn from my mistakes.

Praying for you!

WHip my heart goes out to you my friend, I know exactly how you feel. I'm roughly the same time frame as you and it is a struggle, you have to keep drawing on that inner strength. There is no magical cure, it will take time, I know its not easy to stop thinking about your spouse, children and life. Take it one day at a time and try to focus on you and your beautiful children. I feel your pain about your children, its hard watching the impact on them. I don't want to t/j so I will post on my thread, maybe it will help to know you are not alone, what you feel others have/are going through.

I'm here for you my friend, my thoughts are with you.

WHiP, these are all normal feelings and thoughts to have while in the beginning of Plan B. I too have a WH that was a good man, and now, not so much. There is one thing that you need to understand. That good man isn't there anymore. If you were to attempt to just suck it up and stick it out, it would KILL you. You would be on the road that is 100% going to get you divorced, because YOU would be sick of it. And in time, you may even convince yourself that it would be okay for you to also become a wayward. I don't want any of that for you.

What you are feeling is the affects of withdrawal in Plan B. It is most important right now for you to NOT contact your WH. Once you get over this hump, you will feel much better.

There were many moments, early in my Plan B, that I had to concentrate on just getting through that next second without contacting my WH.

Have you been filling your day with other things? New things? Book club, cooking classes? What things would you like to do?

WHiP it was suggested that I should copy and paste this from my thread onto your thread to make sure you see it.

WHiP, this post is for you (I didn't want to t/j your thread), I hope by sharing this, you will know that you are not alone.

I try to keep positive but it is not always easy, some days are harder than others. Like you WHiP I feel the loss, the pain, the grief. I miss my husband, my best friend, my family, my life and the dreams/plans we had for the future.

Our family faced some traumatic experiences over the last 2 years, we grew personally and our family unit was strengthened. Throughout the trauma and stress my husband and I suported each other, it helped dealing with the situation having him by my side. Now I'm facing the most traumatic painful experience and I don't have his support, his wayward alien behaviour is the reason for my pain.

Mourning the man I knew and loved and accepting the alien he has become has been really difficult. Even though I understood waywards act out of character it didn't lessen the pain. Facing the wayward foggy babble and behaviour has been more painful than the betrayal of the affair. Having the person you love treat you with a lack of care has been tough.

Watching the change from a wonderful, caring loving husband and father who I admired, respected and was proud of become Isildur is painful. Accepting that he can't/won't recognise the children's pain is due to his actions is beyond words. My husband had always been anti affairs and had no tolerance or respect for unfaithful spouses, it has been hard to accept that he was unfaithful.

My children's pain has been my hardest struggle, they are wonderful loving, caring, intelligent people. They have grown up in a happy, healthy stable family and I resent that this has been taken from them. It has been hard for them because this has been a shock. We moved from Oz to NZ 7 years ago for family and lifestyle. Now our family has been torn apart for an addiction, sacrificed to maintain a "fantasy". Its tough knowing my children have been sacrificed for a woman with no integrity, morals or principles but a history of short term relationships and equity harvesting.

I hate that I no longer can prevent what they are exposed to particularly my DS6 and his loss of innocence (infidelity, lies and manipulation).

The last couple of weeks have seen me on an emotional roller coaster - withdrawal from not having contact, Isildur and PEGI holidaying in Oz and visiting family, facing a potential melanoma and surgery alone (without hubby), selling our former family home (not current home prior to relocating May 2011), Isildur defaulting on our mortgage to fund the A, the negative impact on our children (effecting their studies). Lots ot tears, particularly when the children are at school and I'm alone to let it all out. Moments of strength and positive thinking.

Its not an easy journey but I am determined to stand for my marriage and family. I am set on a course, I will maintain my intergrity, self respect and dignity. I will be a positive role model for my children. Regardless of what the future holds I will survive, my family will survive. There are moments though I wish I could fast forward and leave the pain behind.

MB really is a guiding light, MB friends and posters have helped me gain a better understanding, provided clarity when I needed it, deflected during Plan B (thanks Scotty), but most of all they have provided support and a real understanding, they have walked in my shoes. For this I am grateful and sincerely appreciate everyone's time. Having the opportunity to pay it forward, help and support others has been healing.

So for me WHip the love of my children, my husband, the hope that when his A ends, we will hopefully have the chance of reconciliation gives me strength. Yes Plan B is tough but I try to focus on the benefits - my personal recovery, being the best parent for my children, hoping by removing myself from the equation Sildur and PEGI will begin to LB each other, the hope Sildur will come out of the fog and at the least resume his role as the loving caring father who always put his children's interests first will return and be there again for our children.

I hope this help WHiP.

AMEN!