This has nothing to do with MB's, but is a great divorce strategy:

Use the "I'm in love with Mrs. Wonderful" attitude of your husband and his desire to divorce quickly to get the best possible settlement. For instance, you could make a deal for more child support, alimony, free and clear title to the house, sole custody, etc. in exchange for your signature now. He is so "in love" and wanting to please his affair partner with a quick divorce that he will give you almost anything for a quick settlement.

Talk to your lawyer about what you could demand, then use it to your advantage

RS I am so happy you got the PO taken care of! I just have a couple things.

No expert on exposure letters, but I would personally think it a little wishy washy for someone to send a letter stating that their spouse is dangerous and she had gotten a PO, but also stating that she was willing to work on the marriage if he came around (which is generally something I have seen in exposure letters on here). I imagine these can both be added but the wording would have to be very delicate or people will not take it seriously. I would suggest putting the letter up here before you send so the vets can help you with the wording.

Regarding FB exposure, I think JapanDude said he did 5 at a time in 60 second intervals. He did a record 600 people.

Also, as far as sending the exposure letter shortly after getting a PO, how can that be used against you. Obviously given his behavior, you wanted to protect yourself before implementing exposure and PB which you knew would set him off. It was a smart move on your part to protect yourself at one of the most volatile moments of your marriage.

I would LOVE for him to say to the courts, look at how she got a PO and THEN did all these things to hurt my A knowing I did not have full access to her for retaliation! Anyone with a brain will look at him after that statement as the abuser he is, not the other way around.

And don't sign anything. He is continuing to try and manipulate you and have control of this situation. Who knows what exposing this A to the OW in her perfect life will do, maybe it could kill this A! Or maybe not, it is pretty entrenched. I would not sign divorce papers though knowing that you are going to level a huge blow to this A just minutes afterwards.

Yes, I first told him no, not ready. Now he says he will give me money to finish the yard for the kids (he was supposed to put it in for them, but OW freaked that he was at my house, so he stopped working on it).

He also said he would leave kids alone, which is best for them at this point. Current separation agreement already says the kids can decide if they want to see him, so if that's converted to a divorce, we should be fine anyway. And I have a PO that fixes that too. Temporarily, at least. He is going to think I planned all this and be sooo mad!

Maybe this is part of the "art of war." Strategic planning. Use his own behavior against him. Or maybe the karma bus is finally coming around:) Still feel sad, though. I wish I could forget who he used to be.

Even given everything I just posted, unwritten? This is a 3.5 year affair - I don't know that it is going to end. Maybe. I do think this is the best D deal I will get, if that is inevitable. I hate moral/emotional dilemmas . . . so not good at making huge monumental decisions like this.

Direct deposit won't stop him from screwing with you financially if he really wants to, RS. If he stops the DD, then it would be the same two month process, wouldn't it?

Just my 2 cents, but I would stick with your plan...exposure/Plan B before you finalize the D.

Maybe. But it's more specific, obvious right away if he doesn't comply, and every 2 weeks instead of monthly - more for him to be in trouble for disregarding.

Lots to think about, I guess. Thanks for the 2 cents:)

No, I really don't think so. Not paying CS or paying it late is the same thing whether he pays it in a check or has it directly deposited.

If direct deposit was some type of protection to making sure you are paid, then I would have heard of that by now, I would think...

The only advantage is that then he knows he has agreed to that, and he is in violation of the agreement if he does not comply. He told me I could "come beg for my money every month." If he does comply and have it direct deposited, I know it's there every 2 weeks, as it has been all this time up until the last 2 checks, and I don't have to communicate with him. Easier to budget, and don't have to talk to him. And slightly harder for OW to control, though she still can, obviously. But if he's legally obligated to do it that way, maybe less likely? I don't know. I want to know I can take care of my kids, and I want him to quit having crap to hold over my head and threaten me with.

Stop letting him use your ignorance as a way to manipulate you.

Get educated on the process and laws regarding Child Support.
He doesn't get to just "pick" when he gives you Child Support.
It is DUE on a CERTAIN day. If he does not comply - you can REQUIRE that it be garnished so it is paid to you on a timely basis.

Stop acting like he's doing you a favor. Child Support is REQUIRED of him. So unless he's paying you double or triple the required amount, he's not doing you any FAVORS by paying it ON TIME.

See? He can still screw with you.

It doesn't matter if he "agreed" to it or not. He has to pay CS one way or another.

My STBX has "agreed" to pay me a percentage of shared expenses and it's in the court order. Guess what? He hasn't paid it in months and owes me A LOT of money. My atty waited several months before filing contempt. It's going to be the same process either way...

When it comes time to signing the agreement, fight for the direct deposit if that's what you really want...but there's no reason to sign papers right now for it. It's not the gift you think it is.

To put it another way:

Waywards are not rational. They are selfish, erratic creatures, I have recently heard the word "insane" applied...which is true! Your WH's behavior has shown you that, right?

If he is threatening to and has ALREADY screwed with you financially regarding the CS, an "agreement" to directly deposit the funds isn't going to stop him, RS.

When are you going to expose?

rainy, when you say sign D papers...

The separation converts to a D and then you have the same waiting period as a D? 90 days? Do you still have to discuss property/debt division? As Susie said, you don't want to rush into signing. If WH is so hot to get division, he should be in a very agreeable state but it is vital that you dot those "i"s before you sign anything.

I would not put any stock into direct deposit. Given WH's behavior, you may want to do garnishment.

Sign nothing without your attorney looking it over and giving you advice.

My attorney drafted the separation order. We just convert it to a D - no changes, except the direct deposit. No division, nothing - it was all already outlined in the separation order. No waiting period, either. Attorney said it will be final in 2-3 weeks.

And he will give me a decent chunk of cash that should be enough to get the yard in for my kids, and a fence so we can finally bring our dogs home from Grandma and Grandpa's (we moved to a new house, he agreed to do yard, and bailed - he owns a landscape construction company).

Is it really likely to get better if I DON'T sign? I still have that to hold over him - that OW is demanding I sign, and I can refuse (until end of Sept - after that he can convert it to a D without my signature, and with no extra money for the yard).

The PO is going to make him go berserk, I'm pretty sure. No matter what I do, he can get ugly. So I guess it comes down to what is the best deal/situation for my kids and me?

Does anyone - vets? - really think this A could end after exposure, after 3.5 years, and it being so completely entrenched? It has consumed his entire life, and largely hers too - she leaves her own kids every other week to galavant around with my WH. Reality might change it, after awhile, if it ever hits them. But that could take months or years - and he can force this through in Sept without my consent, even if he doesn't try to contest it or change anything, like pay me less CS.

Am I better off not being D from him yet when I expose?

I have to wait at least until after my daughter's party tonight. My kids and I could be in a lot of danger if he has not been served with PO yet, so I'm not sure about staying up to expose all night tonight, or if I'm better off waiting til Friday night. I can keep my kids closer over the weekend, and he may get served with PO tomorrow. Also, I think he may be going to see OW this weekend, and I think exposure would be more effective if they are apart. So I wanted to try to find out about that first. Thoughts on that??

I sure hope you are documenting this type of stuff...

Yes, it's in the protective order.