WH's friends and family already know. He has almost no friends on fb - closed his old account when he ended this 2 years go. Re-opened a new one, but anyone who didn't condone what he was doing is no longer on there.

OW's fb list, yes. She has almost 400 people. Her family all knows; most of them quit speaking to her long ago. It's her friends (especially church friends) who live out where she does who I want to get to first - if I can tell the difference. Also, mutual friends of hers and mine from high school - people who are not my closest friends who I haven't told yet, but still friends, who I'm pretty sure will all be horrified and back me up. I'll get to all her contacts if I can, but targeting those people first. She doesn't work, so no issues there.

Everyone my husband works with knows. I could try to cause a ruckus with his boss - higher ups, about him using company computer/phone to carry on an affair. But the head of the entire government agency that he works for has carried on a blatant affair for years that is well-known; always discussed at company events, etc. So no morals there. Don't know if that would do any good. Not sure I want to get him fired as that hits me with CS. Then again, it might get him to pack up and move. What do you think about that?

Thanks. Don't blame you for being frustrated. Appreciate the honesty, and the encouragement. I'm on it:)

fb message question: I have messaged a couple fb people who are not on my friend list. They later told me they never received my messages even though there was a button to message them. How does the message still get blocked?

Really? Yes, that's a good question. I'm not a fb pro. I avoid it whenever I can, honestly.

BR, and Rainy, it gets sent to a different folder marked "other". It is possible that some of these people will miss the exposure messages for a while, if not all together. Doesn't matter though. Send it anyways. Once a few people catch wind of it, they will tell others and then those people will look to see if they have any messages.

I would do all of the exposing that you have left, now. I would even re-expose to certain key people on your WH's side who may have some influence over his decisions. As well as OW. Ask them to use their influence to convince your WH or OW to end their affair.

I know how frightening it can be to expose. It's the right thing to do.

Have you changed your email addresses and phone numbers yet?

Unless you personally have told her family, I would put them at the top of your list and then work downwards in order of priority. I like that you are prioritizing. When you send the PMs, space them out 60 seconds apart so you don't get shut down for flooding. Be sure that every person can see your pictures [put up a bunch of pictures of you, hubby and children] and that they can PM you back to ask questions, make comments.

Did you make a copy of her contacts names and save the names in a WORD doc for safekeeping? Once she gets wind of your exposure, she will shut her page down so make a copy now!

Thanks Scotty. fb keeps changing stuff so I didn't know if it was a default setting and messages got lost/blocked.

All good advice on exposing, thanks. Yes, I have a copy of her contacts saved to word. I have my pictures blocked, but I can unblock them - didn't think about that, except for changing photo to a family photo.

Scotland - no, I haven't changed my email address and phone #. I set up a different email to give to people for fb responses. Would you change those? That's a huge pain with notifying everyone who needs to be able to contact me. Why would you change them? Just to avoid WH? I did think it might be wise to not block him from everything until after I get the permanent PO. I won't respond to anything from him, but that way anything threatening he might send I would have for evidence against him. I will just forward any emails to IM - unopened.

Put a bunch of pics of you, the kids and your husband so folks can look at your pictures.


Rainy, does your husband have a key to your place? I am sorry if I asked that before and you answered. I just want to make sure he can't get in.

No, he cannot get in. No key.

Has anyone heard of weebly.com? Someone suggested I could open a web page there, and send the link in my fb message? Tell people they can go there for proof if they want it?

RS, I posted this on the Exposure 101 thread after I exposed, hope this helps.

I've just exposed affair and wanted to add my words of encouragement. Yes it isn't easy to do, it is counter intuitive you want to protect your WS, family, even yourself. As Dr. Harley, the vets and those more experienced have stated it is the most powerful tool we have in killing the affair.

Yes there are fears that some may not respond the way we wish they would, or we may not think we have enough evidence. But if it makes the WS & OP uncomfortable or interferes with their fantasy you have been successful. It may even plant the seed of doubt in the minds of friends who re think the story they have been told.

It isn't easy to mail that letter, push that button, but once you do and you get into the rhythm of PM on FB its suprising how empowered you feel. We are slowly taking back some control over our lives and hopefully a successful marriage in the future.

Good luck, listen to the vets the will guide, encourage and support you.

Thanks, Happy. I actually read your post on there, and yes it is very encouraging. I need all the support I can get in getting ready to do this, so thank you for sharing:) God bless.

Can you have your IM check your emails for you, and only forward you things you actually need from others?

When you go into PB, it is generally done that you would at minimum, block your WS. In this case, if you want to keep it open to allow him to hang himself on the PO, I wouldn't fault you for that, but you shouldn't be seeing what he is writing. He can get a lot through even in the subject line that can send you reeling. I would be much more comfortable if you allowed your IM to have complete access to your email account, and tell you what she deems important. I trust that she'll know what to send on.

You could do this with your cell phone too. Maybe have a close family friend hang onto it for you.

I worry about your personal safety, and I hope you have taken every precaution that you can. Be careful, and make sure you check in every little bit so we know you're well.

How's the exposing going? We're all pulling for you!!!!

You're doing the right thing.

Rainy, You can do this, you've shown strength getting the PO, I know that wasn't an easy step for you. Speaking from experience you will feel good standing up against the affair and getting the truth out there. You can do this for yourself and your children.

Remember we are all in your corner.

rainy, have you done it? how's it going?

remember, we've all been there. yes, it's excruciatingly hard, but you *will* feel so much better! it's the first step in taking back the control of your life.

hope your year-end party went well and that you and the kids are safe.

Scotland, BH, Happy, Letty, ML, and All -

You raise good points. I cannot turn my cell phone over to anyone - I don't have a home phone, and my kids need to be able to reach me. I do turn it off at night, once my children are all home and accounted for - anyone close who may need to reach me after that, including my oldest son, now knows to call my daughter's phone if they can't get me. If WH continues to contact/harass me after receiving Plan B letter and PO, I will change my # if I decide it's worth the inconvenience.

I think you're right about the emails. I may just leave him unblocked for the weekend - he tends to send a few scathing things whenever he is with OW (pretty sure they're actually from her more than him), and then block him after. I'm going to give it just a bit more thought. Although the last time I finally sent a reply saying, "Does she think I don't know your words from hers after 22 years? Don't send me anymore messages dictated by prostitutes." That shut her up for a bit.

I could have IM check all my emails, but that seems a bit much to ask of her - I get a lot in. Not sure it's necessary. I think I can handle forwarding things - if it gets to me, it's easy to block him.

As you expressed concern for my safety (very kind of you - thank you), I've decided I should probably post my plans for those who have been kind enough to offer advice and be concerned for me:


Pertinent info and THE PLAN:)

Plan B letter was mailed yesterday, with email contact for IM (thanks again, Black Raven:). WH is assumed to be out of town with OW until Sunday night (typical pattern). He should get Plan B letter when he arrives home. After all the hullabaloo with his "desperate to get D signed" offers yesterday, I emailed him, told him papers were at my lawyer's, that if he signed and met conditions he had proposed by 4pm, I would go sign afterward. Told him I was not willing to meet him, did not want to see him or speak with him. I quit responding to phone calls/texts/emails after that. Plan B began at that point for me, even though he had not received the official letter. I am through with contact with him - dark Plan B has been entered.

He did not meet conditions; I did not sign. OW is no longer running my life in any sense of the word, nor is WH - I am back in the driver's seat. WH tried all the usual - sweetness, begging, patheticness, anger, etc (text and voice messages - no response from me - although I guess I did read/listen, which I will not be doing from now on. Anything coming in will be deleted without opening). WH showed up at my house last night. I did not answer the door. Called police to serve him with PO, but he left before they got here (atypical for him to leave before banging on the door for half an hour, so he must realize something has changed).

Exposure letter is ready, new email address set up for fb contacts if they choose to respond, changed profile pic to sweet family photo, OW's contacts are saved in word document, proof of affair is ready to send if requested. I was going to expose tonight. I would love to expose tonight. I am furious, full of anger and contempt for this ridiculous OW - I read back through fb messages she sent me a couple of years ago. Grrr! I want to get this over with. I also respect the advice of the vets on here, and appreciate it greatly.

However, I have given this a great deal of thought. "The general who wins a battle makes many calculations ere the battle is fought." I know I have been wishy-washy, indecisive, and a doormat to the point of frustration for many of you, and to myself. I am now coming from a place of strength, calm and confidence. I'm okay if some of you disagree with me. I have made the decision to expose - you have all convinced me:) It is not a matter of if, but WHEN. I will not chicken out.

WH and OW are not my concern. Myself and my children are. I have thought this through for our benefit. There is a rift between WH and OW - she obviously wanted the D signed before he went to meet her (she's a psycho controlling narcissist, and he was absolutely desperate to comply with her demands). I want to make the most of that. Let them divide themselves this weekend. That gives me a weaker target, a divided target. (I don't mean they are the enemy per se, but the affair has a crack in it). "The opportunity of defeating the enemy is provided by the enemy himself."

More importantly, I am genuinely concerned for the physical safety of myself and my children. I expect WH to be served with PO Monday or Tuesday (hopefully Monday). He will very likely come after me after exposure, with or without the PO. It is far more intelligent for me to wait until after he has been served. If he comes after me before, my only recourse is to call police - he may run before they arrive. Best case scenario for me - they get here while he is still here, serve him with PO, and slap his hand. If he comes here AFTER he has been served - even if he contacts me at that point, is aggressive, or threatens - he can be arrested. Much bigger deal. And a mug shot of him sent to OW BH would certainly help his custody case, which makes him more likely to be willing to dump her. Ugly stains on the frou-frou and glitter affair fantasy picture.

Even better, I will be able to go to the hearing for the permanent PO and document that he was so aggressive as to violate the PO during the temporary period, almost guaranteeing that the permanent one will be granted, regardless of any argument from him. And really, what will he say? I can't remember who posted it earlier (thank you!), but if he seriously goes to court to whine that I exposed his A after obtaining a PO so he couldn't physically assault me over it and how unfair it is, surely the judge would have to see him as the scumball he is in his wayward state - how could that possibly work against me?

And in the day or 2 before PO is served, if he happens to follow through on a better D deal out of desperation to appease OW, so much the better. Makes no difference to me, either way. You are all correct that I have a legal separation, a binding court document, and he will be made to pay CS one way or another. As soon as he has been served with PO, I will expose. I'm ready to go any day. That is far better for me and my children, and as a side benefit, it'll be when he's almost 2 whole weeks away from his next scheduled adulterous escapade with OW. Yes, she will still be all over it, but she doesn't have quite the power for control as she would if he's with her. He's on robot mode when she is - no one home and the controls are completely in her hands. So this at least puts a damper on that. Another side benefit is that she will be right in the middle of the storm as it's raging, without him there to "defend her honor." (Chuckle).

So know that I am okay. I am prepared and ready to go, I've done what I can for the moment. I am going to enjoy my children over the weekend, relax, finish reading "Art of War." I will post when I have confirmed that PO has been delivered, and let you all know when I will be exposing, so you can be sending happy thoughts and prayers my way.

Thank you all. Hope you all have a good weekend as well, with some happiness and love in there wherever you may find it. Hugs and prayers all around:)

Rainy

Rainy,

If he's out of town with OW now would be the best time to expose. When he gets back into town and comes to your house you immediately call the cops. Here in Utah with a DOV call they have to take someone to jail and if he shows up to your house they will have to take him.

I don't understand the reason for putting off exposure another day. It's Friday night what better?

You have the law on your side here and he's out of town with her and what a better way to make a huge wave in their getaway.