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I would say exposure is the most counter-intuitive instruction in the MB plan. It is also the most effective.
I believed that Dr. Harley advised exposure only in the case where the affair has not ended. Firstly, this is not his current recommendation. And secondly, you cannot be sure the affair has ended, even when all evidence points to that, just after D-Day.
My instinct was to have some small degree of trust in my WH after D-Day 1. So with his assurances, and with some (obviously too lightweight) snooping and verification, I did only a modest exposure. HAD I EXPOSED NUCLEARLY, I AM SURE THE AFFAIR WOULD HAVE ENDED THEN AND THERE, INSTEAD OF CARRYING ON UNDERGROUND FOR 6 MORE MONTHS. Plus, I would have had the benefit of much-needed support. And both I AND WH would have been spared the pain of a more-entrenched affair.
The fact that we are now in recovery is only by luck. (and the fact that OW is an instable whack-o). I seriously endangered my marriage's chances of recovery by not going nuclear with exposure. Yep, I was actually an enabler of the affair by NOT going big.
Do not make the mistake I did. Expose deeply and fully. And now.
Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
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I'm preparing for exposure, have all the contacts ready on both sides etc. but I'm not really sure if it's the best course of action in my situation. I read all of the posts, but in my case, the affair is definitively over. I've been able to prove this. Things are rough with my WW, but she seems genuinely interested in working on the relationship. Could it be that exposure would do more harm than good? But if exposure is the way to go, I'm ready for it.
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Yes, it is the best course of action. Exposure is not harmful.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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just found this site today.
i am glad that i listened to my heart and exposed the affair to my grown sons in front of their dad. also, to his family and mine.
unique situation that we are dealing with...
depression
midlife crisis
overwhelming work issues
taking steps for him to overcome all of this. he added the affair to the mix... that was his decision. he still has the other issues to deal with and we are slowly taking those steps to find his ultimate healing.
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Welcome topkat, would you be willing to start a new thread so we can learn your story and lend a hand?
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Welcome topkat, would you be willing to start a new thread so we can learn your story and lend a hand? Topkat .... I started a thread for you. Click this link now!!!!
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great exposure letter by SadButTrue2 - this is to a charitable organization:
Mr. xxxxxxx
President, xxxxxxxxxxxxx
address
Mr. xxxxxxx:
I am writing this letter to inform you that, from this point forward, neither myself nor YYYYY will be participating in any XXXXX events at the national level. The reason for this is that I have recently discovered that XXXXXXX, the XXXXXX regional manager, and YYYYYY have been engaged in an extramarital affair. This has been devastating to us both, and currently YYYYY and I are attempting to rebuild our marriage. Obviously, due to these circumstances, it will be impossible for either of us to re-enter the environment in which this affair began and was nurtured, or especially where there is even the slightest chance that my wife and Mr. XXXXXX could come in contact.
As Mr. XXXXX is also married, I leave it to you, as XXXXXX President, to form your own judgment on the suitability of his continued participation with the organization. Mr. XXXXXXX is of no concern to me; my only concern is the rebuilding of my marriage after this crippling blow.
I am distressed to bring you this information, but in the interests of honesty and our leaving the organization (at least at the national level), I felt you were owed an honest explanation of the circumstances. Both YYYYY and I remain deeply appreciative of all you have done for us and we wish your organization the greatest success in the future.
Any questions may be addressed to me at (xxx)xxx-xxxx.
Best regards,
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Mel: can you get this in the Notable Posts column? There is an index page on there, which helps quick reference stuff, and only a few exposure letters...
Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
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catwhit, it was over there for a while but it seemed to be missed so I asked the mods to move it back to SAA.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
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An excellent clip on exposure. Why do people not want to expose infidelity, the Harleys look at the reasons why you should or should not tell others of your spouses' affair.Radio Clip on Exposure
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Perhaps you are correct about yourself and nothing anyone can say on this subject will change your mind, H_H, but I'm still going to choose to talk to you about it, and I hope you will listen to what I have to say.
I am a FWW. My affair was! in 2005 -- 8 years ago -- My husband and I are happily recovered. In 2005 our daughter was only 5 -- the affair lasted 3 months and it was long distance at that. Mr. W and I assumed that our daughter didn't need to know at that time. We always said, as you have, that we would tell her later when she was older. That is not what happened. The truth comes out sooner or later -- really sooner IS better than later. As "later" goes though we were lucky in the fact that one of us got to tell her -- out of the blue one day when she was 12 she asked me this question: "Mom, have you ever cheated on Dad?" She is very inquisitive and enjoys asking hypothetical questions -- she does this a lot. It just about killed me, but I knew that I could not lie to her -- adultery itself is born of lies, and I want no part of that, so I was honest with her. I cannot tell you how angry she was about being kept in the dark -- how hard it was for her to go back and try t! o remember and piece together details from that time period. ! Although for us the affair had been a long time ago, for her it was as though it just happened. It was very traumatic. It took awhile, and a lot of apologies, but finally she is okay. We are okay. Children can survive the truth. Lies and cover-ups cause damage.
Spare your children that, H_H. Be honest with them NOW. Don't let them wonder why this is happening. Don't put the welfare and moral guidance of your children in the hands of others -- that is your job, Sir. Showing your children that you value truth and honesty is so very important. Leading by example is a very powerful message to children -- they watch what we do even more than they listen to what we say. Show them that you are honorable by honoring them with the truth, H_H.
Please think carefully about this very important issue.
Mrs. W
MBMod IrishGreen
MBIrishGreen@gmail.com
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